Last spring, we got a sneak peek of Nicolas Cage in full-on Dracula drag for his role in Renfield. The horror comedy stars Nicholas Hoult as Renfield, Dracula’s brainwashed servant who eats bugs and does his dark lord’s bidding. Now the trailer has finally been released, and, dare I say, the movie actually looks pretty good? Full disclosure: I’m a Cage-head. Have been since I stumbled across Face/Off on the TBS Superstation as a child. So the bias here is stronger than Cage’s performance as twins Charlie and Donald Kaufman in Adaptation (2002).
In case you’re not caught up, we are on the brink of a Nicolas Cage Renaissance. He’s paid off all his debts to the IRS, he seems to believe Wife #5 Riko Shibata is the One, and his upcoming comedy, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, is getting an actual theatrical release and early rave reviews. Nic is currently filming another movie in New Orleans (awww, his future final resting place!), the horror-comedy Renfield. Renfield is a supporting character in Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel, Dracula. He’s the vampire’s bonkers, brainwashed lackey who loves to eat bugs. Nicholas Hoult will play Renfield and Nicolas Cage will play Dracula. People has the first on-set photos, and if the Renfield creative team is attempting to serve retro 1930s movie monster, a la Bela Lugosi, they have succeeded.
I must admit, I was one of those suckers who watched True Blood to the bitter, fairy dusted, laughably accented end. It wasn’t perfect, ok, it wasn’t “good”, but it filled my eyes with many sexy butts plus Lafayette (RIP Nelsan), so I’ll never regret the time I spent in Bon Temps. Turns out, it could have been a lot worse! TB creator Alan Ball spoke about the show on the occasion of its 10th anniversary and revealed that Vampire Beehl was almost played by an alien. Sadly/thankfully, the world was robbed of its opportunity to see Benedict Cumberbatch’s cumberbiscuits when the role of Bill Compton went to Stephen Moyer instead.
Jaden Smith is many things: actor, child of famous people, enlightened intergalactic space philosopher. But did you know he was also once a vampire? It’s true! Well, at least according to Jaden Smith. You know, I always pictured Jaden as more of a wise alien taking the form of a rich teenage earthling, but I was clearly wrong.
I know. I know. It’s Met Ball bukkake on Dlisted today, but this is hopefully my last post on this mess and I’m going out on a terrifying note by giving you things that do bumps in the night. While human hos at the ball sipped on calorie-free champagne, these vampires, zombies, charbroiled trolls and grandma witches sipped on calorie-free carbonated souls. If you put your ear to the screen, you can practically hear the screeches from a pristine young virgin running naked through the halls of the Met as these scary bitches chase after her. Where was Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery, Inc. gang when hos needed them most?
Grab your crucifix, put your garlic bulb anal chain around your neck and get close to the Royal Court of the Death Eaters. In order: Mary-Kate Olsen (looking like the Snow White witch after the dwarves dropped that boulder on her), Anna Wintour, Ronnie Wood (with his toddler-aged girlfriend), Sarah Jessica Parker with Tan Mom’s skin idol Valentino, Donatella Versace, Chupa Zoe and Lana Del Taco.
Madge’s newest album bungee jumped down the charts this week, but she still put on her dontgiveafuckface (No, seriously, she went into her face closet and put on the face labeled “Don’t Give A Fuck.”) to work the carpet at Macy’s in NYC. Madge was at Macy’s in Herald Square to whore out her fragrance Truth or Dare (smells like a mixture of decaying hydrangeas, Lady CaCa’s tuck sweat, the fear of a South American boy toy, Elton John’s burnt toupee and seasoned pussy dust).
I know I’ve said before that Madge’s current face looks like it was put together using newborn baby butt cheeks, piano wire and Fix-A-Flat, but I have to say that last night she looked vampire fresh. We can disagree on that, but we cannot and will not disagree over the fact that Madge has some seriously hung veins on her feet. Madge’s feet are ribbed for Quentin Tarantino’s pleasure. You’d probably get a quick tingle if you rubbed your b-hole against one of them. Baby Brahim is one lucky vein fucker.