Gird Your Loins And Neck: HBO Is Bringing “True Blood” Back

Gratuitous titties, ass and dicks are about to make a comeback in a big way. Variety reports that HBO is rebooting True Blood, the show that put the “erection” in resurrection. And it’s being developed by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, the man who put the “erection” in Archie Andrews’ pants when he created Riverdale. Alan Ball, the show’s original showrunner, will return as an executive producer.

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This Was Almost Your “True Blood” Vampire Beehl

I must admit, I was one of those suckers who watched True Blood to the bitter, fairy dusted, laughably accented end. It wasn’t perfect, ok, it wasn’t “good”, but it filled my eyes with many sexy butts plus Lafayette (RIP Nelsan), so I’ll never regret the time I spent in Bon Temps. Turns out, it could have been a lot worse! TB creator Alan Ball spoke about the show on the occasion of its 10th anniversary and revealed that Vampire Beehl was almost played by an alien. Sadly/thankfully, the world was robbed of its opportunity to see Benedict Cumberbatch’s cumberbiscuits when the role of Bill Compton went to Stephen Moyer instead.

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Anna Paquin Thought It Was Funny That The BBC Showed Her Boobs Off

If you were watching the BBC’s News at Ten on Tuesday, you were probably roused out of your usual late night stupor when a monitor in the newsroom behind anchor Sophie Raworth showed some chick doffing her top and letting her boobies bounce. Eagle-eyed viewers who somehow made it through one of True Blood’s later seasons (believe me, it wasn’t easy) recognized the video as a scene from a Season Six episode and the boobies as belonging to its Oscar-winning star, Anna “SOOOKEEH!!!” Paquin. Most of us suddenly shown off naked in front of 3.8 million viewers might be a trifle put out. But Anna, who was often topless on the show, though it was funny as hell. She said so on Twitter (as did her husband and True Blood co-star, Stephen “BEEEEEL!!!” Moyer).

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Who Works It Better?

On the left is Anna Paquin looking like Barney used her hair as a butt wipe and on the right is Mermista, the Princess of the Seas, from She-Ra. To answer my question, I cannot knee kick my childhood in the mouth by going with Anna Paquin, so my vote goes to Mermista, now and forever.

Anna Paquin has done what purple-haired vanguard Mrs. Slocombe, Kelly Osbourne, Ireland Baldwin, Katy Perry, Nicole Richie, Ke$hit and nearly every chick on EARTH under the age of 35 has done: she dipped her hair in grape Kool-Aid. Soooookeh tweeted a picture of her Madam Mim hair and said that she’s living out her teenage dream by getting mermaid hair. Sookeh looks at her purple hair and sees a mermaid and I see Taboo from the Black Eyed Peas after getting bitten by a zombie My Little Pony. That purple hair really brings out the “living corpse on meth” in her eyes. But Anna Paquin does have a really good reason for covering her hair in Manic Panic diarrhea. E! News says that while she was playing the most annoying fairy of all-time (“Um, doesn’t that title belong to you, bitch?” – you) on True Blood, she was contractually obligated to keep her hair blond. Now that True Blood is done shooting,  Anna can finally dye the Sookeh out of her hair.

Anna was itching to dye her hair for a while, and when asked on Twitter on July 6 if she planned on dyeing her hair after True Blood, she responded, “I’m changing my hair color as soon as I’m done.”

Anna Paquin’s just like us! She too hates Soookeh and can’t wait to forget that bitch. So I say, do what you gotta do, Anna, even if it makes you look like a crazy-eyed corpse demon that only exists in the Lisa Frank world.

And here’s Sookeh and her Mermista hair walking around with Beeeehl in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Twitter, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Joe ManJello In A Suit

Until I saw these pictures from the premiere party for the final season of True Blood, I completely forgot True Blood was coming back. Those bitches better not mess it up and by that I mean they better kill off pretty much everyone in the first 20 seconds of the first episode and the rest of the season should be nothing but Joe ManJello and ASkars dancing naked together in the snow. Okay they can keep Lafayette and Pam too.

Sadly, ASkars wasn’t at last night’s premiere thing, but Lafayette was there in a bow tie so big that it looked like it was eating his neck and Joe ManJello wore a suit that was once worn by a giant gorilla who played the banker in an old timey silent movie western. Joe ManJello in a suit always makes me laugh, because he never looks that comfortable and it looks like all that material is squeezing his giant muscles. It’s like trying to put one of Justin Bieber’s condoms on The Hammaconda. Joe ManJello’s suit is probably held together with Tyvek thread so it doesn’t come ripping off when he raises his arm. What I’m saying is that Tyvek should’ve never been invented and Joe ManJello should rip off that suit and free his muscles and nipples. It’s only natural.

Pics: Wenn.com

So (Yes, I Almost Typed “Sew”), About That “Sound Of Music Live” Show….

A good old-fashioned, family-friendly musical about a nun turned home wrecking gold digger should be one of my favorites, but The Sound of Music never totally did it for me. The Baroness aside, it lacks the glamour, rhinestones and exposed nipples I look for in a musical with Nazi shit in it (see: Cabaret). So I wasn’t one of those hos screaming, “BLASPHEMY! JULIE ANDREWS CANNOT BE REPLACED! I’M GOING TO BURN THIS CITY DOWN,” while going into last night’s 13-hour-long Sound of Music snoozetacular. Julie Andrews wasn’t the first Maria and there’s been a million Marias after her. It’s not like the role of Maria is as sacred as the role of Cristal Connors in Showgirls. It’s just Maria! But when Carrie Underwood started acting, I sort of became one of those crazed Julie Andrews groupies.

Carrie Underwood put the wood in Underwood. Her singing and yodeling were good, but her talking… Those community theater set pieces were more captivating and human than her. My iPhone is in the red and it has more life in it than Carrie did last night. Shit, even if it died it would have more life in it. For a second there I thought that maybe Carrie is a thespian genius and was making a controversial acting choice. Maybe she was playing Maria as though Maria was brainwashed by Hitler and was working as a spy for the Nazis. She had a glazed look in her eyes like her brain had been taken over by another force. If she was playing one of Tommy Girl’s beard wives, she would’ve nailed it!

Even her damn praying wasn’t believable! Carrie is practically the Christian golden child and she couldn’t even fake pray right. God was up there thinking to himself, “Err, put some stank on it, my child.” But Carrie did bring something new to the role. When Mother Abbess tells Maria through song to climb that man and get that dick, I saw something I’ve never seen in that scene before. When Mother Abbess sang “Cliiiiiiiiiimb every mountaaaaaaiiiin, search high and low, ” she really wanted to sing, “Cliiiiiimb out that windaaaaaah, get outta my face.” Mother Abbess didn’t care about Maria finding her true life. Mother Abbess just wanted Maria to get out of her life. I see you, Mother Abbess. I see you trying to pawn Maria off on Captain Von Trapp, because her lack of human emotions and animatronic mannerisms are creeping you out. Right after Maria left the abbey, Mother Abbess probably called Captain Von Trapp up and told him that if he doesn’t take Maria off her back she’ll tell everyone he’s a vampire.

And as for Vampire Beeeehl….. I’m going to assume that Vampire Beehl was suffering from a serious case of diarrhea and clenched his ass cheeks the entire time. If he put too much umpf into his singing, his chonies would’ve come alive with the sound of squirting.

On a positive note, Audra McDonald and Laura Benanti stole every scene they were in and saved the show. Captain Von Trapp should’ve been arrested when he chose the wooden Swiss Miss statue over the glamorous Baroness Elsa!

Despite the Carrie Underwood hate, the Sound of Music Live! was a hit and had huge ratings. So I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before NBC announces that next December they will do West Side Story Live! starring Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus as Maria and Tony respectively. Yeah, they’re doing the all-black version.

After the cut are most of the performances from last night.  Continue reading