Ciara’s Goodies Almost Made A Break For It Last Night

Oh, don’t mind Russell Wilson; he’s just been trying so hard not to stare into Ciara’s front no no hole that he’s fallen into some kind of catatonic state. I’m sure he’s fine.

If there’s one night of the year when a famous type can throw out everything they know about class, taste, style, common sense, and Spanx, it’s the Grammys. I’m pretty sure if you look on your invitation, the dress code is simply a picture of Toni Braxton from the 43rd Grammy Awards. Unfortunately, only a handful of people observed the dress code and came barely-draped in their tacky finest. The most elegant of which was Ciara, who showed up in a table runner held together with a bunch of ribbons and damn near flashed everyone her panty goodies.

I’m not sure why Ciara and Russell Wilson were at the Grammys, since she hasn’t been nominated for one in six years and he doesn’t sing, but I’m really glad they did. Otherwise, we might have missed out on Ciara’s gorgeously trampy formal nightgown thing. Ciara looks like a slutty Miami dancer (I’ll let you decide what kind of dancer) named Porquoi? who works for diamonds and really really wants to fuck Scarface, and I’m into it.

With that being said, if this is how Ciara dresses now, I can’t wait to see what kind of high-end classiness $15 million lawsuit winner Ciara shows up in next year.

Of course, there were a few close seconds in terms of pure class and elegance, like Joy Villa and the always stunning Z LaLa (who came dressed like an IKEA As-Is section version of Cher). On the other end of the spectrum was Dancia, who said “Fuck it” to sexy and covered herself in whatever she could grab from Nicki Minaj’s storage locker from 2010 and glue to her pink onesie.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

PEARLS! ALL THE PEARLS!

A wise ho once told me “You can be classy, sassy, or assy” (truly wise words to live by), and since we’ve already covered sassy and assy, here’s Lupita Nyong’o working some classy. Lupita is the definition of class to begin with, but she could have shown up wearing a pearl-covered coochie shield and I still would have thrown her into the classy pile, because pearls are classy as hell. You could throw the trashiest, dirtiest skank in a pearl necklace (not THAT kind), and you’d be all “Excuse me, madame – may I offer you a glass of Champale and a cigarette that I didn’t roll myself just now in the bathroom?”

But really, what more is there to say about Lupita Nyong’o’s amazing pearl-encrusted Oscar dress than: PEARLS. So many pearls. Every pearl. Sorry, oysters, all your pearls are belong to us. And by us, I mean Lupita; she has all your pearls now. Your job here is done, oysters; all you have now is being delicious when shucked raw and topped with mignonette sauce. And to Lupita’s stylist (who I assume is Pearl Van Oyster from The Waterville Gang), good job on the diamond earrings; I think pearls would have been too on-the-nose.

Here’s more of Lupita looking like the Atlantis entry into the Miss Universe pageant, as well as just about every other fancy dressed type at the Oscars last night, including Julianne Moore, JLo looking like the textbook definition of JLo, and the ghost of my last duvet Marion Cotillard:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Anna Kendrick Would Like You To Know That Her Farts Smell Like Farts

Despite the fact that she looks like she was made in a lab using DNA from one of the lady mice from Cinderella and a teacup Yorkie, Anna Kendrick would like you to know she’s not as adorable as you might think. “Impossible!” just said the creepy dudes who keep sending her jewelery in the mail. During an interview with Net-A-Porter’s The Edit (via Uproxx), Anna was asked if one of the reasons she keeps it so real on Twitter is because she wants to come across as a real, normal person, she replied:

“I guess, maybe. It feels dishonest to me to let anybody in the world think that my farts smell like lavender, or something.”

Somewhere in a giant pizza-scented castle in Malibu, America’s fart-sniffing sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence just got very nervous that someone might be coming to snatch her crown. “Using farts to appear down-to-earth is MY THING, bitch!”

She also talked about how she’s looking forward to the kind of roles that would make Jenna Maroney dry heave before slapping her agent in the face:

“I know that things will be more complicated as an older actress, in ways that I can’t anticipate, but I would really enjoy getting to the point where the reason I’m getting roles or not isn’t based on if somebody thinks I’m hot enough. I feel like I’ve always been a character actress, and this is a blip in my career where I’m playing the ingénue. I’ll be a lot more comfortable and get excited when I’m playing women who aren’t supposed to be pretty.”

Well, I hope she’s good on her feet, because if she wants any of those old lady roles in the future, she’s going to have to fight Meryl Streep for them. Meryl Streep will live forever. Here’s more of Anna Kendrick in The Edit looking like a bored ballerina:

Jennifer Aniston Had A Pretty Good Time At The Golden Globes

If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.

First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:

As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.

Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com, Splash

And Now Anna Kendrick Has Been Dragged Into This Fappening Mess

All right, cloud hackers, this time you’ve gone TOO FAR! Anna Kendrick’s tiny field mouse titties are none of your business! If you want to see rodent nipples so badly, go ask Pharrell if he’ll show you his rat nips.

According to BuzzFeed and Page Six, The Fappening Pt. 3 happened this weekend and more stolen celebrity pics were leaked onto the internet once again like a recurring drug-resistant yeast infection. This time, the cloud hackers released more pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, as well as nipple pics of Cara Delevingne, Mena Suvari, Kelli Garner, Misty May Treanor, and 87 non-nude pictures of Anna Kendrick. That’s how desperate the basement-dwelling neck beards of the internet are for pictures of their imaginary girlfriend Anna Kendrick; they don’t even need nips to fap. Although you know a part of them was disappointed that out of 87 pictures, there wasn’t one of her playing the cups song on her chocha.

I haven’t seen any of Anna’s stolen pictures, but if she’s fully-clothed in all of them, why did they need to steal 87? Is the cloud hacker trying to cater to more specific online niche communities, like dudes who can only get off to pictures of women in a variety of pants or ladies who like to lady fap to women wearing clothes they may already own?

And is this what it has come down to? Each weekend a new batch of pictures is released until every pervert on the internet has fapped their dicks right off their bodies? How many more stolen nipple pics do you need, internet? There’s only so many celebrities! Eventually the cloud hackers will run out of people to steal pictures from, and then what? What will you do then? Fap to stolen nipple pictures of famous cartoons? I don’t want to live in a world where I one day have to type the headline: “She-Ra, Cheetara, and Heather from Denver The Last Dinosaur latest victims of online cloud hacker.“

Anna Kendrick Doesn’t Want Your Damn Diamonds, So Stop Sending Them To Her!

Anna Kendrick, the creature you’d get if Arthur and the lady squirrel from The Sword in the Stone had a baby, admitted on a recent episode of WTF with Marc Maron (via Uproxx) that some intrepid (read: fucking creepy) fans found her home address and sent her a bunch of shit for her birthday. Now, before you start assuming the worst, I can assure you she didn’t receive any of the following items for purchase at CelebStalkerDepot.com: hair clippings, nail clippings, graphite pencil portraits, homemade wedding albums, underwear, requests for her underwear, blood, poems, or blood poems (poems written in blood, which are always the worst).

She did, however, receive several teddy bears, but she threw them out, because the only thing creepier than receiving one $5 dead-eyed polyester-filled plush animal that says “I WUV WOO ANNA” when you squeeze its face is receiving 20. But Anna confessed that it’s not just teddy bears that go straight into the trash; she said she also received a pair of diamond earrings from a fan, and guess where they went? HINT: Not in her ears! Continue reading