Tonight is the Met Gala, when stars and dirt stars squeeze themselves into a $30,000 gown that doesn’t go with the theme to bow down to Anna Wintour as she sacrifices interns to fulfill her yearly contract with Satan (that’s what happens there, right?). But I don’t even know why Anna didn’t announce today that this year’s Met Gala is canceled, because the real fashion event of May went down in Westwood, CA yesterday at the premiere of the mess of a movie my mom wants me to take her to on Mother’s Day.
Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen all brought the glamour to the red carpet of Book Club. Jane Fonda showed up looking like a Mary Kay regional manager who just naturally smells like Shalimar perfume and could easily fuck your dad if she wanted to. Candice Bergen showed up with a look that was Snow White down below (see: her Gucci sweater) and Evil Queen up top (see: those snatched-in-the-name-of-evil brows). Diane Keaton showed up looking like Madam Mim going to a sock hop in the 90s. And Mary Steenburgen wore some boring shit but made up for it by accessorizing her dress with a tall drink of silver named Ted Danson.
And now if you’ll excuse me I need to ask Google, “Is my mom forcing me to take her to a Fifty Shades of Shit propaganda film grounds for a quickie emancipation?”
Wonder Woman is a huge success. It’s made almost $654 million, has received great reviews, is breaking box office records and getting a sequel. They’re even rumored to be re-shooting Justice League to include more of her. It seems like everyone loves Wonder Woman, but not everyone does. There are some people out there who are shrugging “More like Whatever Woman” over it, and one of those people is Alicia Silverstone.
All right, cloud hackers, this time you’ve gone TOO FAR! Anna Kendrick’s tiny field mouse titties are none of your business! If you want to see rodent nipples so badly, go ask Pharrell if he’ll show you his rat nips.
According to BuzzFeed and Page Six, The Fappening Pt. 3 happened this weekend and more stolen celebrity pics were leaked onto the internet once again like a recurring drug-resistant yeast infection. This time, the cloud hackers released more pictures of Jennifer Lawrence, as well as nipple pics of Cara Delevingne, Mena Suvari, Kelli Garner, Misty May Treanor, and 87 non-nude pictures of Anna Kendrick. That’s how desperate the basement-dwelling neck beards of the internet are for pictures of their imaginary girlfriend Anna Kendrick; they don’t even need nips to fap. Although you know a part of them was disappointed that out of 87 pictures, there wasn’t one of her playing the cups song on her chocha.
I haven’t seen any of Anna’s stolen pictures, but if she’s fully-clothed in all of them, why did they need to steal 87? Is the cloud hacker trying to cater to more specific online niche communities, like dudes who can only get off to pictures of women in a variety of pants or ladies who like to lady fap to women wearing clothes they may already own?
And is this what it has come down to? Each weekend a new batch of pictures is released until every pervert on the internet has fapped their dicks right off their bodies? How many more stolen nipple pics do you need, internet? There’s only so many celebrities! Eventually the cloud hackers will run out of people to steal pictures from, and then what? What will you do then? Fap to stolen nipple pictures of famous cartoons? I don’t want to live in a world where I one day have to type the headline: “She-Ra, Cheetara, and Heather from Denver The Last Dinosaur latest victims of online cloud hacker.“
What I mean by that is that somebody should’ve snatched that carpet sample off of his head, because it is dreadful. Anyway, for the first time since everybody learned about the terrifying adventures of John Travolta’s man finger-eating whirlpool anus, he put on a brave wig and came out (not like that) to honor Shirley MacLaine last night. No, John wasn’t presenting Shirley with the Sally’s Beauty Supply Lifetime Achievement Award in Lace Front-Wearing. Shirley was the recipient of the AFI Life Achievement Award and John was there to honor her. I really don’t know who’s wig game is worse: Shirley or John’s. Shirley’s looks like it’s slowly shifting off of her head and John’s wig is laid like a sod square.
The likes of Meryl Streep, Dakota Fanning, Mena Suvari, Melanie Griffith and Jennifer Aniston thought to themselves, “That is such a realistic wax figure of a Vulcan Dracula” as John Travolta spit out nice words about Shirley. I appreciate that John is showing us what Eddie Munster would look like if he grew into his widow’s peak, but damn. Bitch needs to pull out his payroll sheet and erase the name of the ho who keeps buying his wigs at Leonard Nimoy’s yard sale.
And if you were about to announce the countdown for the inevitable “Angie’s fame whoring leg vs. Aniston’s fame whoring leg” battle, save your bref.
Last night in Hollywood was the big premiere for Tara Reid’s grand return to the silver screen and she brought her “Celebrity” Big Brother housemates and fellow messes Jedward as her escorts. Yes, Tara looks like a malnourished, self-tanner-addicted 50-something soap actress who has just come off the set after playing a ghost in a dream sequence, but she’s free of barf stains, whiskey spots and a European husband who’s only using her for a green card, so I’d say she looks good! Or maybe I’m only saying that because I’m temporarily blinded by the bright shiny glitter rays shooting off of those twin Edward Cullen troll doll pencil toppers. (Note: That is the only time I will ever refer to Jedward as “tops.”)
Every time I see a picture of those twin spaz brooms, I want to smash Ritalin pills into my eyes, because they just can’t have a seat. They’re always jumping. They’re always screaming. They’re always freaking out like vibrators on meth. Hopefully, they calmed down after they came down with instant lead poisoning from kissing on the orange paint slathered on Tara’s face.
Here’s some more hos from last night’s American Reunion: WE’RE ALL OLD premiere. In order: Tara with Jedward, Jason Biggs with his wife, Jason with Eddie Kaye Thomas and John Cho, Jennifer Coolidge giving us BODY, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein (looking like a coked up insurance salesman), Natasha Lyonne, Sean William Scott, Thomas Ian Nicholas with date and Mena Suvari.
After 18 long months (that’s three eternities in Kardashian years) of wearing a wedding band, Mena Suvari has decided that her wedding band would look a lot better off of her finger and in the palm of a pawn shop clerk, because she has filed for divorce from her second husband Simone Sestito. A two-time divorcee by the age of 32! Mena is living the life I was supposed to live if gay marriage was legalized in the late 90s. DAMN HER! But all jokes aside, it really is a sad day when the couple name of SiMen SuTit is no more.
People says that Mena and Simone became wife and husband in a beautiful pre-divorce ceremony two Junes ago in a private church in Vatican City, Italy (or as I called it when I got into a shoving match with some Eastern European bitches in front of a nativity scene, “Faticunt City”). Mena says in divorce papers filed in L.A. that they officially stopped staring at each other’s faces on a daily basis on November 1, 2011. Mena doesn’t want to pay spousal support and says that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why their marriage drowned in a bath tub full of rose petals as Kevin Spacey tried to molest it.
I can already hear whores screaming about how these young Hollywood sluts don’t take the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. NEWS FLASH! Nobody takes the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore. That’s why the sanctity of marriage gave up, moved to Reno and now works the 1am-6am shift at strip club under the name Sanctitty Mirage. But really, I’m sure Mena and Simone tried to really make it work. You try sleeping next to a woman whose satellite head spits out the sound of static all night, because aliens from another universe are trying to send signals to it. Besides, how can Mena compete with JLo who is paying Simone (JLo knows him as “Casper“) $10,000 to be her kept bitch?