Category: Adriana Lima
Betsey Johnson Brought Ten Tons Of “It” To The CFDA Awards
It was very nice of Betsey Johnson to remove her name from the nominees list, and therefore give people like Beyonce a fighting chance at taking home the CFDA’s Fashion Icon award. I’m assuming that’s what happened. Betsey Johnson has always been my favorite fashion weirdo. Even when I was very little and my knowledge of fashion was limited to skorts and whatever the look is called when you loop the bottom of a t-shirt through the neck hole, I knew that she was the definition of effortless, carefree WTF style. Effortless, because she always looks like she put in zero effort. Carefree, because I’m sure she’s free of cares when it comes to what anybody thinks about her. And WTF, because I still cannot figure out what the fuck is going on with those glue-in hair extension.
Betsey brought her carefree WTF style to the CFDA Awards last night. Betsey Johnson gave everyone “getting-her-groove-back grandma” mixed with Janice the Muppet and a side of boxed wine buzz. She’s on vacation from all her worries and troubles and the collection agency that won’t stop calling and demanding payment for that pesky overdue TJ Maxx credit card bill, and she doesn’t care who knows it! Betsey looks like she’s about to climb over the bar at her all-inclusive Mexican resort, grab a bottle of rum and a handful of limes, and smoker-bark over to her friends Buffy, Bambi, and Binky: “See you in the pool!” I want to be this version of Betsey Johnson when I grow up.
Of course, there always has to be a runner-up in the Pageant of Life, and I choose to give that honor to Selma Blair.
Leave It To Charli XCX To Give You Ten Tons Of Drunk 90s Bride At The amfAR Gala
Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.
And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”
Kendall Jenner Banned The KKKKs From The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show
Kendall Jenner walked in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show yesterday, because a dried alfalfa sprout wasn’t available and because the powers-that-be figure that at least a tenth of her 41 million Instagram followers aren’t bots and will watch when it airs next month. Kendall and fellow rich kid turned ~high fashun~ model Gigi Hadid both made their VS Fashion Show debuts and you’d think that the entire koven would be in the front row since lots and lots of cameras were present. But Kendall told the NYDN that only Caitlyn Jenner and Pimp Mama Kris (and Tyga, who was there for some reason) were allowed to come and her sisters were told to keep their rubber asses away.
“I told them all to stay away. It was too much pressure and I was like, ‘Mom and Dad are good enough.’ I just need the pressure off. There’s enough pressure as it is.”
You can laugh at Kendall saying “pressure” three times about walking and smiling while wearing lingerie, but “walking and smiling while wearing lingerie” is the most work any Kartrashian trick has ever done and that definitely makes her the most accomplished one. But I get what Kendull is saying. I mean, she already had to deal with PMK screaming, “YAAAASSS! Smile those twat lips real wide for the cameras, bitch,” from the front row and imagine if the other plastic wrecks were there too. Half of them would’ve tried to get all the attention by showing up in nothing but a dangly anus ring and rhinestone pasties. And as soon as Khloe Kartrashian spotted feathers on a model, her animal hunting instincts would’ve kicked in and she would’ve leaped onto the catwalk and bit that poor woman. Nobody wants to see some Planet Earth shit at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. So yeah, Kendall made a good kall.
And here’s a million pictures from the VS show, which was equal parts “costumes in a Woodstock porn parody” and “costumes in a Burning Man-themed floor show at the least popular casino in Reno.”
Victoria’s Secret Model Adriana Lima Hooked Up With Justin Bieber In Cannes
There’s a reason this picture is blurry: the photographer didn’t want to be around when Chris Hansen and the To Catch a Predator crew popped out from behind Justin Bieber and asked Adriana Lima to take a seat. I don’t blame them; I already feel like my name has been added to a list for just writing the words “Adriana Lima hooked up with Justin Bieber”.
Adriana Lima has been divorced from her tiny-faced ex-husband for all of 0.2 seconds and already she’s managed to hunt down and hook up with the most embarrassing rebound in the history of rebounds. According to Us Weekly, Adriana Lima and My Buddy’s shitty spoiled cousin from Canada attended the same 1 Oak party in Cannes. A source says that 20-year-old Justin spotted 32-year-old Adriana and “pursued her hard” (ew), talking non-stop at the party and eventually going home together around 5am. Adriana then carried a tuckered-out Lil’ Justin upstairs, changed him into a clean set of Spider-Man PJs and a fresh diaper, read Goodnight Moon till he fell asleep, then turned on his Ocean Wonders Aquarium and called a cab.
Or maybe they did have sex. In which case, Justin has now allegedly humped on two Victoria’s Secret Angels, the first being toddler-faced model Miranda Kerr. Not to mention it was rumoured he had also tried to rub his wispy little dirt-stache on VS model Barbara Palvin. So in theory, it’s technically three. It’s like Justin Bieber is becoming the Scrappy-Doo to Leonardo DiCaprio’s Scooby-Doo (you know, if Scooby-Doo was a bloated rich dude who spends his free time banging underwear models).
Pic: Instagram
Adriana Lima And Her Hot Possum-Eyed Husband Are Over
The only Victoria’s Secret Angel whom Leonardo DiCatchAHo can’t look at and say, “I hit that,” and her old-timey-looking ass, marbles-eyed husband have announced that they’re done with being married to each other. 32-year-old Adriana Lima and her 35-year-old pro basketball player husband and the father of her 2 daughters Marko Jaric are pressing pause on their marriage. The definition of marriage just crawled out of a window and is now standing on the ledge, because if a marriage between a bikini model and a pro athelete can’t work, what marriage can?!
Adriana and Marko spit out some canned shit about how they thought about it for a long time and they’re going to be in each other’s lives as co-parents and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. The only thing I want to to know is, which one of them cheated, did they make a sex tape and can I see it? Here’s Adriana and the Serbian Doug’s statement of words from UsWeekly:
“After long and careful consideration, we have decided to separate after five years of marriage. We are grateful to be the parents of two incredible young daughters that we will continue to co-parent. We would greatly appreciate your respect for our family’s privacy as we begin this delicate next chapter for all members of our family.”
Adriana Lima once said that she waited until marriage before she got her cherry popped, so I know the reason why their marriage died. It died due to irreconcilable differences. Adriana wants her coochie to go out into the world and taste all the flavors of peen out there since it’s only tasted one and ole’ wandering eyes has a problem with that for some reason.
And do supermodel divorces come in threes? First was Miranda Kerr and now Adriana Lima, so who’s next? I don’t think I can take seeing little Tom Brady making a sad frowny face while going down a slide after Gisele Bundchen dumps his ass.
Here’s Adriana and Marko during hotter times three years ago.
Pics: Splash