Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom Split

October 25, 2013 / Posted by:

Pretty, albeit boring, couple Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr officially separated after three years of marriage and six years together. The walking, talking Kewpie doll and Bloom (best known for being that hot bitch Legolas in The Lord of the Rings alongside supremo hot bitch Viggo Mortenson) married on the DL a few years ago and popped out a baby that defies the laws of Pretty Don’t Make Pretty (I’m looking at you, Rumer Willis). Orlando‘s rep confirmed to E! News (via US Weekly) in a statement pulled directly from the preface page of Publicist 101.

“In a joint statement, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have announced that they have been amicably separated for the past few months. After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation.

Despite this being the end of their marriage,” the statement continued, “they love, support, and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family.”

 BORING. Just once, can’t a celebrity couple release a no-hold-barred statement with some real animosity behind it? “I hate him so much I had to leave before I started Googling where to buy undetectable poisons” or “She suggested outsourcing my birthday blowjob to the pool boy and then got all pissed when I liked it“. Miranda did an interview for the November issue of Cosmo where she gave some super useful marital advice.

Be girlie if you want to be: “Don’t feel like you have to do and be everything. Let the man do some things for you, because if he cares for you, he will want to. When I get home, I’m not the boss like I am at work – I slip into a more feminine role. I take everything off and put on my Stella McCartney silk robe. I’ll put on a red lip or red nails, and it lifts my mood.”

I’m all for being a lazy bitch and clocking out from being HBIC once in a while. What you’re not going to find is me hanging out in a silk robe, red lip and sexy underwear to do it. Nobody in my house needs to see me fall asleep on the couch covered in Cheez-It crumbs with one tit hanging out of an open robe and my lipstick smeared on the throw pillow my cat likes to hump. You want to lift my mood? Put the seat down, cook dinner and don’t say a damn thing when you catch me in the kitchen rubbing frosting on my gums in the middle of the night because it’s the boring Midwest housewife version of the good shit.

(Photo via Splash)

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