Alicia Silverstone has a real boner for vegetables. And she’s passing those values on to her kid. While promoting her organic, herbal, vegan vitaminerals line, Alicia secured at least three additional years of therapy for her son Bear Blu by telling the world all about his burgeoning scat fetish. Alicia says that Blu knows that when he eats his vegetables, he “poops well” and that he’s very in tune with his turds.
The Blast is reporting that even though Alicia Silverstone’s show American Woman kicked the bucket, she has to fork up the cash in her divorce from musician Chris Jarecki. The two were together for 20 years before they broke up and Alicia eventually filed for divorce. As part of their settlement, Alicia must hand Chris a check for $12,000 each month. The spousal support will last until 2024. The papers which The Blast got their hands on don’t specify any child support payments, but the couple does still share joint custody of their 7-year-old immortal vegan child, Bear.
But! There are some stipulations in the payments. If Chris meets a new chick and the two share “housing costs for more than 5-months” Alicia will see a reduction in her payment amounts. What kind of arbitrary divorce nonsense?! If I was Chris I would simply not pay for anything to keep my checks intact! Or not date a trick! Like, who would trade an easy $144,000 a year just to move in with someone? Not I!
Also in their divorce settlement is an agreement that both parents restrain “from making disparaging remarks about the other parent in the presence of the minor child.” Well, if Alicia or Chris decide to break that rule and talk shit about one another in front of their child, their child might not be able to hear it over the sound of his measles-stricken little classmates sneezing and crying.
Welp, can’t wait to see how the parenting rules change post-divorce. Stay tuned for Chris to have a serious talk with Bear: “Son, at my house you have to chew your own food. When you’re with your mom, she can bird feed you all she wants, but my house, my rules!”
Alicia Silverstone is letting all you mothers out there know that unlike your disgusting little rugrats, her son has never been sick. Okay, she isn’t really being that judgey about it, but still…
42-year-old Alicia spoke with Page Six about how her 7-year-old son, Bear has never accidentally overdosed on Triaminic because it tastes like orange soda (happened to me when I was 5). Bear’s white blood cells are on fleek, bitch. He doesn’t need medicine because he has the most powerful meds there are: Veggies. Continue reading
If you had lunch in the last half hour and aren’t a sister wife, you might want to scroll on past this to whatever the latest tea is on the Spice Girls. But if your stomach is doing just fine, and you want to test your gag reflex, come one, come all! Alicia Silverstone somehow agreed to star in that show Kyle Richards decided to write about her family but, moronically, based on her mother and not just a day in the life of Kim Richards. I can’t tell you anything about Alicia on Kyle’s show, but I can tell you she decided to use an appearance on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert to say how watching Clueless made her son try and play tonsil hockey with her in a graveyard. But in his defense, maybe he spotted some popcorn in her mouth and wanted some. Continue reading
Regurgitating mama bird Alicia Silverstone, 41, finalized her split from her husband of 13 years (whom she’s been with for 20), Christopher Jarecki, 41, by filing for divorce yesterday, according to The Blast. There’s no word on how they’re going to handle custody of their one child, son Bear Blu, 6. Has anyone asked Bear what HE wants? He’s probably willing to go and live with Crazy Aunt Dionne to escape having his mom feeding him from her mouth again. How long does that go on for anyway? Has he graduated to vegan Uncrustables yet? If not, can he?
Tonight is the Met Gala, when stars and dirt stars squeeze themselves into a $30,000 gown that doesn’t go with the theme to bow down to Anna Wintour as she sacrifices interns to fulfill her yearly contract with Satan (that’s what happens there, right?). But I don’t even know why Anna didn’t announce today that this year’s Met Gala is canceled, because the real fashion event of May went down in Westwood, CA yesterday at the premiere of the mess of a movie my mom wants me to take her to on Mother’s Day.
Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen all brought the glamour to the red carpet of Book Club. Jane Fonda showed up looking like a Mary Kay regional manager who just naturally smells like Shalimar perfume and could easily fuck your dad if she wanted to. Candice Bergen showed up with a look that was Snow White down below (see: her Gucci sweater) and Evil Queen up top (see: those snatched-in-the-name-of-evil brows). Diane Keaton showed up looking like Madam Mim going to a sock hop in the 90s. And Mary Steenburgen wore some boring shit but made up for it by accessorizing her dress with a tall drink of silver named Ted Danson.
And now if you’ll excuse me I need to ask Google, “Is my mom forcing me to take her to a Fifty Shades of Shit propaganda film grounds for a quickie emancipation?”