Charles Manson Has Died

November 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Somebody go wake up Satan, he’s got another guest coming for Thanksgiving. TMZ reports that Charles Manson has finally stopped sucking air. TMZ says the late Sharon Tate’s sister Debra Tate received the call confirming that Charles finally kicked the bucket.

Debra Tate tells TMZ she received a call from the prison telling her Manson died 8:13pm Sunday. We’re told the prison is contacting all of the victims’ families. Manson died of natural causes, according to prison officials.

Charles Manson, the charismatic cult leader who was imprisoned for orchestrating the brutal murders of Sharon Tate, her unborn child and six others over a two night period in 1969, will be missed by no one. His original death sentence was ruled unconstitutional in 1971 and he was given 9 consecutive life sentences instead. That loser could barely manage one. Lame!

In life, Charles Manson was a terrorist who manipulated people’s weakness and insecurities into doing his bidding and who held the nation hostage using our own darkest fears against us. After his arrest, conviction, and incarceration, he became a punchline. In death he is, in his own words, “nobody. Well, nobody except for the odd time when someone gets curious and researches the origin of Marilyn Manson’s stage name.

The fog of rancor and divisiveness and the disrespect shown to our fellow citizens in #thesetryingtimes is enough to make a person lose track of some of the things that bind and unite us as a nation. In an age where there are people propping up pedophiles or defending alleged rapists, it’s nice to know there is one thing we can all agree on: Charles Manson was a evil mother fucker and we’re glad he’s gone.

Pic: California Department of Corrections

Not Everyone Enjoyed Christina Aguilera’s Karaoke Tribute To “The Bodyguard” At The American Music Awards

November 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Any doubt that the American Music Awards are the last-minute high school project version of the Grammys was removed last night when Christina Aguilera took to the stage for a tribute to the 25th anniversary of the soundtrack to The Bodyguard. We know it wasn’t a tribute to Whitney Houston, because at no point during Christina’s “most-confident bridesmaid at the bachelorette karaoke party” performance did anyone report seeing a disrespected ghost scream “Hell to the NO” while attempting to yank the mic plug from a power outlet backstage.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 20, 2017 / Posted by:

The dick-shaped catwalk from last night’s Dollar Tree Grammys called the American Music Awards!

Bless the American Music Awards set designer (Who knew that John Travolta had a side gig designing sets for awards shows?). The set designer knew our eyes were going to be hit with a lot of soft dick performances, so they gave us a beautiful lit-up dick that stole every shot it was in.

It was the week of dick shapes last week. First, my current American heroes decorated the skies with a big uncut dick. And then my other current American heroes decorated the AMAs stage with a big cut dick. And that peenwalk stayed hard all night. When a SAN FARDS Xtina (that was SANS FARDS for her) and her Predator hair summoned the slapping hand of Whitney Houston’s ghost with that mess of a tribute (more on that later), the peenwalk stayed hard. When the Nickelodeon Elvis wannabe named Shawn Mendes performed, it stayed hard. When the boner breaking duo of the Chainsmokers presented, the peenwalk stayed hard.

That dick-shaped catwalk was the MVP of last night’s show. Well, the dick-shaped catwalk and Diana Ross’ fanny pack (more on that later too, I’m sure) were the MVPs. I salute them both for getting us through the night! Sure, I nearly got electrocuted every time I stuck my tongue to the TV screen, but I still salute the dick-shaped catwalk!

Pic: @reyalfashion (And thanks to all my peen obsessors out there who slid this tip into my inbox!)

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Birthday Sluts

November 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Sean Young (58)
Michael Clifford of 5 Seconds of Summer (22)
Cody Linley (28)
Ashley Fink (31)
Jared Followill (31)
Dan Byrd (32)
Jeremy Jordan (32)
Future (34)
Andrea Riseborough (36)
Kimberley Walsh (36)
Nadine Velazquez (39)
Josh Turner (40)
Dominique Dawes (41)
Dierks Bentley (42)
Davey Havok of AFI (42)
Joel McHale (46)
Callie Thorne (48)
Ming-Na (49)
Mike D (52)
Bo Derek (61)
Mark Gastineau (61)
Joe Walsh (70)
Joe Biden (75)
Norman Greenbaum (75)
Dick Smothers (78)
Estelle Parsons (90)
Kaye Ballard (92)
Richard Dawson (1932-2012)

Pic: Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By This Dad’s Blazing Hot Michael Jackson Moves

November 19, 2017 / Posted by:

Here’s your dad revealing his deepest secret to the world. He was a backup dancer for a Michael Jackson tribute band called Bubbles the Chimp for a brief period in the 1980s. Mashable was kind enough to bring us this guy breaking it down for all of us while dancing to the MJ songs on the PA before a Janet Jackson show in Brooklyn on Wednesday night. Apparently, the routine’s from the “Remember The Time” video?

No one in that auditorium had better thrown any shade this dude’s way. People were probably tee-heeing thinking they were better than this guy cuz’ THEY weren’t making fools of themselves by emulating the King of Pop. Well, those h8ers were wrong! This guy has ALL the balls! This sort of gutsy performance is only made possible by intense courage, natural rhythm, and as few fucks as humanly possible.

This man was FEELING IT!!! #JanetJackson #MichaelJackson #StateOfTheWorldTour

A post shared by Nico Vargas-Germain (@ridiculous__nicholas) on

Pic: Instagram

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In Unnecessary News, Mackelmore Uses A Justin Bieber Painting To Delay Ejaculating

November 19, 2017 / Posted by:

After reading that post title, be my guest and mirror every single blank stare” GIF ever posted.

Liberal guilt junkie Mackelmore has put his normal wailings of “WHY ME? WHY AM I A WHITE RAPPER WHO HAS SO MUCH??? WHY DO THEY AWARD ME GRAMMYS WHILE BETTER RAPPERS GO HUNGRY?!?!” aside to promote his new record (sans Ryan Lewis) called Gemini. The album must be below par cuz’ he’s breaking out the weird stories to distract us. Weird stories like how he uses that painting of a nude Justin Bieber that he bought to delay his orgasms. Wouldn’t that mean he’s NEVER going to have an orgasm? Is this post actually about how Mackelmore is the chastest white rapper in the game?

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