Zandar from the 90s board game Ask Zandar!
Zandar was Dumbledore’s fourth cousin who lacked the majestic skills of his relatives, so he had to settle for a gig as a janky, bottom tier future teller in a 1993 children’s board game. Zandar had the SLYIC skills of Miss Cleo’s dried dingle. You didn’t even get to ask him original questions. Each player picked two cards and on each card was a question. You chose which question to ask Zandar and then guessed if he would say yes or no. If your guess matched Zandar’s answer, then you got a “gemstone.” The first player with 5 of those busted gemstones won the game and got a special reading from Zandar.
The special reading from Zandar was also a damn joke. You’d wave a disc with a question on it in front of him and he’d say some canned crap like, “You’re going to get a call about this!” I bet the phone did ring each time and I bet it was a call from Dionne Warwick’s network of physics. Those two schemers were working together.
Ask Zandar taught you one thing: Never trust a wizard with a voice like a parrot doing a Groucho Marx impersonation.
Dumbass Zandar. He was totally the Long Island Medium’s mentor.
Brenda Vaccaro and her legendary inhales (75)
Noah Ringer (18)
Nathan Kress (22)
Jake Abel (27)
Georgia King (28)
Christian Siriano (29)
Damon Wayans, Jr. (32)
Chloe Sevigny (40)
Peta Wilson (44)
Mike Epps (44)
Megyn Kelly (44)
Duncan Sheik (45)
Daphne Rubin-Vega (45)
Owen Wilson (46)
Romany Malco (46)
Kirk Hammett (52)
Elizabeth Perkins (54)
Kim Wilde (54)
Oscar Nuñez (56)
Kevin Nealon (61)
Delroy Lindo (62)
Andrea Marcovicci (66)
Linda Evans (72)
Susan Sullivan (72)
Mickey Mouse (86)
The former Queen of MySpace and one time Nazi sympathizer Tila Tequila gave birth to the daughter she says she made with an alleged serial killer. Tila should’ve named her daughter Poor You since that’s what most people are going to say to her. But she named her Isabella Monroe Nguyen instead. I know, Tila Tequila actually gave her daughter a normal name. What world is this? – Too Fab
Alexander Skarsgard sticks a hose into his Porsche’s gas tank and yes, my b-hole is officially jealous of his Porsche’s gas tank – Lainey Gossip
Bai Ling’s top thing is a mystery. Is it the slutty baby of a tube top and a tie or the slutty baby of a tube top and a scarf? I don’t know, but I do know it’s a work of exquisite sophistication – Egotastic!
HASN’T INDIA BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH? – Reality Tea
No, June the Hutt, you probably don’t have cancer. It’s just your black soul feeding on your insides. Or the sketti sauce is starting to eat through your bones. Either one. – Celebitchy
Another one of Bill Cosby’s many accusers comes forward with a story that he will never “dignify with a comment” – The Superficial
When did Hilary Duff’s face morph into that of Kate Hudson? – Drunken Stepfather
Revisit the inspiration that is Baddie Winkle - The Berry
Kim Kartrashian’s ass is about as big as an island so why doesn’t she just build a theme park on it instead? – IDLYITW
The dude host of Today in Australia wore the same suit every day for a year and nobody said shit about it, but they criticized what his female co-host wore. The host learned that sexism still exists and he also probably learned that a suit develops a new kind of stank when worn every day for a year – WWTDD
How many Ewoks were murdered to make Megan Fox’s boots? – Hollywood Tuna
Michael Sam and his pristine hairline are on the cover of GQ’s Men of the Year issue – Towleroad
Your first day of high school outfit in 1994: Miley Cyrus is wearing it – Popoholic
Guess what? Whoopi Goldberg is still a 100% moron when it comes to rape – Jezebel
The Texas T-Rex got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and except for his little one, his entire family dressed like it was Easter Sunday – Popsugar
Billy Joel accepts Taylor Swift as the face of New York City, which tells me that he’s crashed into one too many trees – Pajiba
Vintage peen alert: Rocky from Rocky Horror Picture Show – (NSFW) OMG Blog
Nicki Minaj needs FreeCreditReport.com – ICYDK
Dear Channing Tatum, Joe ManJello dick or GTFO – Just Jared
Amanda Bynes’ lawyer (or whoever wrote that statement since she didn’t) is really sorry for saying that she wants to murder her parents – Gawker
Hot In Cleveland got canceled. The good news is that now Betty White can star in another Golden Girls spin-off where Rose goes back to St. Olaf to run that town – SOW
Alternate headline: The Hell Kind Of Weed Is The New York Times Smoking? Because The New York Times’ T Magazine (via Jezebel) interviewed 16-year-old Jaden Smith and his 14-year-old sister Willow Smith for some reason. They all got to talking about time, babies, Prana energy and I don’t really know what else because my brain turned inside out halfway into their interview. I felt like I needed an experienced and gentle peyote guide to get me through that interview.
And as always, Henry the dog’s look of piping hot fear says everything we want and need to say.
I was at The Grove in L.A. on Saturday, because I like to feel what’s left of my soul drip out of my asshole as I dodge a mob of slow walkers in a commercial hellscape that never ends. Anyway, I was at The Grove on Saturday and wondered why the air smelled like demure subtlety, which strangely enough smells like salted nuts and charbroiled chicken. Well, now I know why. The day before, international supermodel and the Patron Saint of Dlisted, Phoebe Price, was at The Grove putting the LADY in Holiday by massaging a nut out of The Nutcracker.
E.T.A. Hoffman (Yes, his full name is Estimated Time Of Arrival Hoffman), the original writer of The Nutcracker, is up in heaven cracking his own nuts, because it pains him knowing that he can’t rewrite the story he’s known for. If he could change it, The Nutcracker wouldn’t be about some girl’s nutcracker who comes to life, takes down the evil Mouse King and then takes her away to a magical doll kingdom. It would be about a shy and modest ginger superstar with chicken cutlets cheeks who brings a Nutcracker to life by cupping his nuts in the middle of an outdoor mall in L.A. Then they pose for the paps before running off to make a sex tape so they can take their “fame” to the next level.
That’s what The Nutrcacker should’ve been about. That’s Christmas!
Kendall Jenner Keeps Trying To Konvince Us That Being Related Kim Kardashian Hasn’t Helped Her Career
Because it wouldn’t be a day that ends in Y unless a Kardashian was burping out something delusional, Good Morning America teased a clip this morning of tonight’s episode of Nightline featuring Kendall Jenner discussing her new job as the face of Estee Lauder (seen above looking ~ so edgy~), and naturally, the first question asked is about who got her the job. Pimp Mama Kris’ kurrent favorite has defended herself in the past to all the naysayers who think she’s only booking work because she fell out of the same vagina as Kim Kardashian, and once again, she wants you to know that her new job as the face of one of the largest cosmetics brands in the world has nothing to do with PMK making her kash in on the fame of her famous drowsy hooker-looking sister.
“In reality, I worked pretty hard for this, like running around doing tests. It wasn’t like I just [snaps fingers] got it magically and it’s just happened.”
I’m sure there are people out there who are kicking out a chair and asking Kendall to take a seat, because most people’s definition of “working pretty hard” for something doesn’t usually include being related to a famous ho who is currently married to a guy who is BFFs with both the creative director for Givenchy AND the editor-in-chief of Vogue. But I believe Kendall! I think she did have to work her ass off to get where she is! Imagine living in the shadow of ageless beauty Bruce Jenner? I bet every modeling agent was like “You need to drop that last name, because if someone sees JENNER, they’re going to be very disappointed when they find out it’s not your shimmering Swarovski crystal of a father.”
At the premiere of Unbroken (which again, is not a RobstenIsUnbroken propaganda documentary about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) in Sydney tonight, Dame St. Angie Jolie showed up looking like a beef bone that my abuelita wrapped in a black lace napkin to take home to her dog Tosco. St. Angie wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress to that made up Hollywood Film Awards and tonight she wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress. I have a feeling that’s going to be her thing this awards season. Designers are just going to wrap a napkin around her body, push her out onto the carpet and call it a day. Although, I think I just described every single dress that St. Angie has worn to every single premiere and awards show for the past 10 years.
Because I grew up Catholic and went to a few funerals as a kid, St. Angie’s dress reminds me of a black lace veil that an abuelita would wear while throwing herself on a casket as it goes into the ground at a burial. As I went through these pictures, I kept waiting to come across a picture of an abuelita asking St. Angie Jolie if she can have her black lace face veil dress in exchange for a giant thermos full of menudo. She’d probably give St. Angie the thermos full of menudo anyway.
Here’s more of St. Angie Jolie looking like the severe mom of an Ever After High doll at the Unbroken premiere with Brad Pitt and Jack O’Connell.
I love how it looks like Demi Lovato is side-eyeing Wilmer Valderrama’s lips as if she’s thinking: “These better not leave me with a weird rash on my cheek like last time.”
It’s well known that former Disney ho Demi Lovato used to be into some bad stuff, like chugging Sprite bottles full of vodka at 9am and getting coked to the gills in airplane bathrooms, and for the most part she’s successfully battled all her demons. Except it appears she still hasn’t shaken the most shameful of her addictions: sleazy douche dick. Demi proved she’s still making bad decisions when it comes to banging by tweeting a picture of her boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama with the following cry for help:
“I never post personal pictures like this but fuck.. He is perfect. I miss my @WValderrama“
“He is perfect?” Insert all your “She don’t love herself” gifs here.
This is why I firmly believe that being addicted to douche dick should be taken more seriously by addiction specialists and mental health professionals. I’ve lost too many friends to douche dick! We all have! Hell, if my friends hadn’t rented out that room at the Hampton Inn 3 years ago to read me a bunch of hand-written letters about that “aspiring DJ” I was dating who always referred to me in public as his “cousin from out-of-town”, I might have been one of them! You know who could help Demi? That’s right – Candy Finnigan! If anyone can urge someone to accept the help being offered to them today, it’s Candy! At the very least, maybe she could convince Demi and Wilmer to stop taking vom-inducing pictures with each other.
Yesterday, I threw up pictures of the “Viva Las Vegas Coffy” look that I thought Solange worked during her wedding to her man Alan Ferguson. But that caped jumpsuit was just one of the many white and ivory looks Basement Baby wore during her hipster Wite-Out of a wedding in New Orleans. Last night, Vogue.com posted these ridiculous ~FASHUN~ pictures taken by photographer Rog Walker of Basement Baby wearing her wedding cape dress while surrounded by her bridal court which included Janelle Monae, Beyonce and Tina Knowles serving up rich gremlin bitch glamour.
That shit looks like the most pretentious Clorox ad of all-time. They also look like the cult from The Leftovers if the cult from The Leftovers had way too much disposable income and took themselves really, really seriously. I guarantee you there’s one chick in that picture who’s like, “Aunt Flo, please don’t fuck with my fierce and come heavy today, because I don’t need to be the one with period stains in Basement Baby’s wedding photos.” But I do love that Beyonce is at basement level for once! Beyonce finally listened to us all and SAT DOWN.
One second after Vogue posted these pictures, Pimp Mama Kris tried to get more attention by Instagramming a picture of her and her dumpster sludge hos in all white outfits too. I am far from being a member of the Beyhive, but PMK comparing herself to the Knowles chicks is like comparing a piece of filet mignon to a maggot infested pile of shit droppings that a rat pooped out after nibbling on a McDonald’s hamburger patty it found lying on a puddle of dog piss in the gutter.
And Basement Baby’s wedding wardrobe budget really was bigger than the budget of her greatest work, Bring It On: All Or Nothing. Here’s a video of Basement Baby wearing another outfit while busting out a mother and son choreographed dance routine to “No Flex Zone” with her kid Julez during her reception.
The cute was zapped out of that video as soon as I found myself looking for her basement bagina to make an appearance.
E! News also has pictures of Basement Baby’s face covered in hives after the wedding reception. Jay-Z’s revenge! Basement Baby should’ve known something was up when the special present from Jay-Z started buzzing like crazy. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, indeed.
Last Wednesday, Bono CHEATED DEATH!!! when the rear hatch door of the private plane he was riding it ripped off during a flight from Dublin to Berlin. The hatch door probably fell on a poor soul who seconds beforehand finally managed to delete U2′s new album from their iPad. Nobody on the planet was injured and Bono, of course, lived. Well, the Grim Reaper must be a Neil Young fan, because in NYC yesterday, he blew an air kiss at Bono. Page Six says that while cycling in Central Park, he got into some kind of crash and now he’s lying in a hospital bed. Bono needs surgery on his arm to fix it. U2 was supposed to play on The Tonight Show all week long, but they announced on their website that they’ve canceled all of their shows after death came for Bono for the second time in 5 days.
It looks like we will have to do our Tonight Show residency another time – we’re one man down. Bono has injured his arm in a cycling spill in Central Park and requires some surgery to repair it. We’re sure he’ll make a full recovery soon, so we’ll be back! Much thanks to Jimmy Fallon and everyone at the show for their understanding.
The makers of tinted and colored lenses are going to get together and build Bono a protective colored lens bubble for him to live in, because he might be in a Final Destination situation and nothing can happen to their #1 customer.
But really, who keeps trying to take Bono out (besides everyone who heard the last U2 album)? Let’s see… Bono is Apple’s main bitch and he was supposed to play The Tonight Show every night for a week. Hmm… hmmm… Someone should check the footage from a surveillance camera near the place where Bono had his bike locked. They’d probably see Bill Gates, Conan O’Brien and Chris Martin dropping the wrenches and cans of grease they had in their hands to high five each other while tip-toeing away from the scene.
And here’s Bono outside of the London studio where a star-studded (see: not star-studded at all) group of singers recorded Band Aid 30 Do They Know It’s Christmas? (aka the song that will kill Ebola once and for all).