The first time I was made aware of James Maslow’s exquisite Stepford Pool Boy face in all its Maybelline glory, I thought “This kid and his beautiful rosy cheek implants are going places”. I didn’t know what place that would be (a believable testimonial in a no!no! commercial, a WeHo Zumba class) but I knew it would be big! Or at least big adjacent. And apparently the producers of Dancing With The Stars (and Star-Type Substitutes) agreed, because James Maslow will be batting dem eyelashes and smizing the shit out of the cha-cha-cha as a contestant on ABC’s Sequins & Spanx Variety Hour.
The complete cast of DWTS was revealed today, and there’s very little to get excited about (beside’s imagining the FACE-BODY-FACE James Maslow will be bringing to the dance floor every week). Because this is ~very~ important information, here’s who will be stuffing themselves into 10 yards of stretch satin every week:
Candace Cameron Bure (D.J. Tanner and submissive housewife)
Charlie White (Olympic gold medalist ice dancer)
Drew Carey (Plinko jockey)
Diana Nyad (Wikipedia tells me she’s a 64-year-old lady who likes to swim)
Cody Simpson (an Australian Bieber-type)
Meryl Davis (Charlie White’s ice dance parter. Really ABC? Two figure skaters?)
Danica McKellar (math genius/Winnie Cooper)
NeNe Leakes (platinum-haired Atlanta glamazon/spirit animal)
Amy Purdy (Paralympic snowboarder)
James Maslow (Gigolo Joe’s more natural-looking younger brother)
Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian from Staw Wars)
Sean Avery (former NHL player)
I may be jumping the gun a bit, but I’m just going to go ahead and recommend that the DWTS interns not buy any green bananas for the 64-year-old swimming enthusiast’s dressing room. If our definition of ‘star’ now includes an oldie who was insane enough to swim from Cuba to Florida, then DWTS producers might also be interested in my friend’s drunk Aunt Pam who got arrested after jumping off a booze cruise and swimming to shore in nothing but a Juicy Couture velour hoodie.
And was Kimmy Gibbler is too busy preparing for a research trip to Mars or rescuing orphans in Romania? Because there’s no way DWTS would purposely overlook her for D.J. Tanner. Everyone knows that when it comes to Full House, why go out for lukewarm cheeseburgers (D.J. Tanner, Uncle Joey, the less-present of Aunt Becky’s twins) when you have steak at home (Kimmy Gibbler, Uncle Jesse).
I expected that the Affordable Care Act would change my insurance coverage but I am NOT happy about the new group colonoscopy procedures. – Jalapeño Business
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
I’m getting tired of all these pictures from the Oscars. – citizenstrange
John Travolta introduces the Producers for Frozen: Idigga Dapeen, Ivanall DeBall and LeSniffa ElCrak. – IrishFury
Cooper, the dog who knows the right way to eat ice creams!
In case your Facebook wall isn’t wallpapered from top to bottom with this video of 2 pups, 1 cone, here’s Daisy and Cooper sharing a delicious McDonald’s soft serve (which is actually just pink slime bleached white). Daisy is a true lady and delicately licks that ice cream, savoring its deliciousness. Cooper doesn’t fuck around and the only thing he’s savoring is the feeling of knowing that Daisy can’t have anymore of that cream. Daisy’s eating style is Nicole Richie and Cooper’s is Paula Deen. Who cares if he’ll probably cover the living room floor with a lake of dog diarrhea, he got all the ice cream.
And will somebody please let Kim Kartrashian know that Anna Wintour would like to shoot her for the cover of Vogue. Her dreams have come true! She doesn’t have to get into hair and makeup or anything. The shoot is really conceptual and really now. All she has to do is put two scoops of McDonald’s soft serve on her head, sit next to Cooper and let nature take its course.
(For Jack and Rena)
Adrian Zmed (60)
Bobbi Kristina Brown (21)
Andrea Bowen (24)
Erin Heatherton (25)
Josh Bowman (26)
K. Michelle (28)
Whitney Port (29)
Landon Donovan (32)
Len Wiseman (41)
Ivy Queen (42)
Chaz Bono (45)
Patsy Kensit (46)
Evan Dando (47)
Sam Taylor-Wood (47)
Steven Weber (53)
Patricia Heaton (56)
Mykelti Williamson (57)
Catherine O’Hara (60)
Emilio Estefan Jr. (61)
Ronn Moss (62)
James Ellroy (66)
Bobby Womack (70)
Paula Prentiss (77)
Carroll Baker (83)
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
A strange thing happened at the Oscars last night. Pink performed Somewhere Over The Rainbow and didn’t fly her ass through the air on a trapeze made of old bed sheets - Lainey Gossip
Taylor Swift’s Karlie Kloss impersonation is getting better – Celebitchy
“So that’s what it would look like if Chewbacca got gender reassignment surgery to fulfill his dream of being the real-life Jessica Rabbit” said everyone at Elton John’s Oscar party when Khlozilla stomped on through – Reality Tea
Well, I guess Nickelodeon has taken a page out of Disney’s playbook and is teaching their hos how to master the art of taking half-naked selfies – The Superficial
Irina Shayk’s exquisite gown looks like it was made using all of my abuelita’s old pantyhose - Drunken Stepfather
Ain’t nobody got time to watch Queen Latifah as Sweet Brown – Towleroad
It was very nice of Selena Gomez’s mom to let her borrow that dress and it was even nicer of her abuelita to let her borrow those earrings - Hollywood Tuna
When Joseph Gordon-Levitt is on the toilet and gets angrier and angrier because the stubborn shit he’s trying to shit out refuses to come out, this is the face he makes – The Berry
Donnie Darko + Cruella de Vil = the fugness on RiRi’s body – ICYDK
I see the Illuminati is getting into the business of making comedy movies now – IDLYITW
BWDRFS? (But what did Ronan Farrow say?) – Jezebel
Kaley Cuoco gets her picture taken at a QVC pre-Oscar party (????) without her husband of a minute. They’re totally getting a divorce and she’ll totally be married to a new dude next week – Popoholic
Dean Cain finally makes his triumphant return to cinema! – OMG Blog
And I’m sure Victoria’s Secret sent Leonardo DiCatchAHo a bouquet of naked angels to cheer him up – HuffPo
Kim Kartrashian finally gets an award for being the worst – Pajiba
Panty Creamer of the Day: Taylor Kinney’s nipples - Just Jared
Strangely enough, this is also what it looks like when Nicole Kidman wet queefs on you – SOW
Mary-Kate Olsen’s ugly engagement ring looks like half of a Ferrero Rocher – Popsugar
That picture says so much and makes me feel so much.
When Ellen DeGeneres gathered up a bunch of A-list movie stars (and Lupita Nyongo’s brother…. and Channing Tatum… and A-list Netflix star Kevin Spacey) for the most re-tweeted picture in history, poor old little Liza Minnelli tried to jump in and be seen. How dreadful. Liza’s reaching her hand out and I can almost hear her say, “Don’t forget about meeee.” She’s Liza, though. Liza should’ve used that hand to grab Julia Roberts’ hair, pull that bitch down and make her get on all fours so Liza could’ve stepped on her back and risen above all those simple whores who need to learn how to respect a legend and her nipple ! But whatever, Liza eventually got a picture with Ellen:
And she worked that armpit pussy action while doing so.
I interrupt our regularly scheduled programming of you bringing you important Oscars news like what brand of butt plug John Travolta wore last night to tell you that a fetus has moved into ScarJo’s uterus! E! News says that ScarJo made her first fetus friend with her fiancé of 6 months, French journalist type Romain Dauriac whose luxurious hipster cockatoo mane puts half-melted butter on my baguette (and don’t try to visualize that unless you want your brain to quit on you).
TMZ says that the baby who will have to be hooked up to an oxygen mask while breastfeeding to keep from suffocating in ScarJo’s enormous, leche-filled chichis is about 5 months old. So I guess ScarJo and French Josh Hartnett celebrated their engagement the way everyone should celebrate their engagement: by non-stop raw dog boning. This kid will be ScarJo’s first kid and that’s kind of surprising since was she married to Ryan Reynolds. I mean, if you’re married to Ryan Reynolds, what else is there to do besides fuck all the time? It’s not like you’re going to have a conversation with him. You’d poop out a baby every 9 months and you’d have to poop them out since your coochie would be otherwise occupied by Ryan Reynolds’ peen. Duh.
Anyway, congrats ScarJo and the French Josh Hartnett! Congrats to the kinky fanboys with a pregnant fetish who might get to see a knocked up ScarJo in the Black Widow catsuit when Avengers starts filming again! And congrats to ScarJo’s future kid, because that kid already has a line of defense that works in every situation. If ScarJo gets pissed after catching her kid smoking the crack they killed a hobo for, all they have to say, “Well, at least I haven’t fucked Sean Penn.” Bitch can’t say shit to that.
If you happened to be anywhere on the east coast last night and caught yourself around 4:30pm with a strange ringing sound in your ears and a feeling as though someone had shotgunned the holy spirit into your lungs, you’re not alone. That sound you heard was trumpets heralding the arrival of St Angie onto the Oscar’s red carpet, followed by a choir of angels singing “Step aside 5s, two glittery 10s are coming through.” And that light-headed feeling you got was from the drop in air pressure after God saw that Brad Pitt actually combed his hair and collapsed in shock.
Since the Academy Awards ceremony is really just a prom for insanely famous millionaires, the only thing that matters is who wins Prom King and Queen (Best Actor and Actress) and what you’re wearing. But in the event it’s a year that Angelina Jolie graces the Oscars with her holy presence, you’re fucked, because you’re just going to end up looking like a pile of damp laundry in comparison to The Most Merciful.
Even though Angelina could show up wearing a trashy bikini cover-up and Brangeloonies would still openly weep at her feet, she arrived all glowwy, like an elegant chandelier that had just absolved the sins of humanity. Each bead and crystal looks like it represents a tear from every soul she’s saved. And immediately after she walked the red carpet, Zahara was forced to field calls from every interior decorator in Heaven. “I dunno Sebastien, I’d consider selling you a handful of crystals from the left sleeve, but they’re not going to sparkle like they do on my mom.”
Here’s more of Brangelina posing to their internal monologue of the Hallelujah chorus, along with everyone else. Sorry, everyone else; better luck next time.
Four years ago, Kelly Osbourne won a spot in my cold, dark heart (don’t worry, there’s a pile of blankets and a space heater) when she hissed the word butterface in Lady Gaga’s general direction, and their capital B bitch-feud was born. For years they’ve been going back and forth hurling insults like rotten pieces of cake (with one of the insults, quite literally, being a cake), but sadly both bitches went soft and decided to pack their insults away in the attic. NOOOOOOOO! Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the passive-aggressive cakes??
According to Radar, the acrylic nail glue version of the Hatfield-McCoy feud finally came to an end last night at Elton John’s annual Oscar viewing party. Kelly proved to the world that her and Lady Gaga had each extended the other a pastel fiberglass olive branch by Instagramming a pic of herself playfully choking Gaga with the caption: #peace at last. I know; I too was hoping that peace at last was a reference to her trying to choke out any future songs from Gaga’s vocal cords.
I’m not thrilled that Kelly has buried the hatchet with Gaga (I know, how dare I insult Hatchet Face like that) because I think it speaks very very poorly of her sanity and judgement, but sometimes you just gotta say Fuck It and re-route your energy into hating more important things…like the person responsible for going so heavy on the Photoshop that they ended up making you look like Kim Kardashian dry fucked Dame Edna.
Here’s more of Kelly at Elton John’s 22nd Annual AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing/After Party looking like if Betty Draper had an eccentric sister from Baltimore who’s best friend is a poodle named Cha-Cha, as well as Lady Gaga at both the Oscars and the Vanity Fair after party. Say Something Nice: the lace on Gaga’s wig is a very hard worker.