And that, my friends, is the exact face one should make when they’re in the presence of one of Pimp Mama Kris’s Krotch Droppings. “I don’t care how much we paid for admission, we need to leave. Now. Seeing one of the babies means that the mother isn’t far behind.”
Friday marked the kick-off of the world’s largest hipster costume party, the Coachella Jorts and Selfies Festival in Indio, CA, and I guess all those $20,000 cheques cleared, because celebrities have started swarming Coachella like rats to an open dumpster behind KFC. Now, technically Coachella doesn’t officially begin until the arrival of the First Lady of Fauxhemia, Vanessa Hudgens. But since it usually takes her hours, even days, to get ready (it takes time to dry hump the 70s), she usually let’s them go ahead and start without her.
I know we’re less than 24-hours into this weekend-long Urban Outfitters commercial, but already Aaron Paul has won my heart by embracing the true spirit of Coachella. It’s not about $200 custom jorts or having the longest gauzy vest or the widest hat; it’s about dancing like nobody’s watching while rolling hard on shrooms:
Either Aaron Paul is higher than Jesse Pinkman after snorting a pound of blue crystal meth, or he’s working hard for that $15,000. Either way, I’ll be right back: I need to pray to a giant piece of New Age quartz that there’s a video somewhere of Aaron Paul dancing to Ellie Goulding all by himself in a little circle, because I need that in my life.
Here’s more hookers clickety-clacking along the Coachella stroll on Friday, including Selena Gomez (sans King Joffrey Bieber), Marla Hooch and The Model One (that sounds like an 80s cop show: Hooch & The Model) Joe Jonas and his girlfriend Basic Bitch Blanda, a rotten leftover from the refrigerator of 2005 and her sister Nicky Hilton, and Kellan Lutz, who if I had to guess, got paid $200 and a voucher to a taco stand:
Ready or Not, the 90s Canadian teen drama!
On one of the many occasions Michael K and I were hanging around the Dlisted water cooler (yes it’s a box of wine sitting on top of an empty Crystal Castle box) I started talking about the most important television show of any girl’s pre-teen years, Ready or Not, to which Michael responded with the blankest of stares, because I guess pledging your allegiance to Ready or Not is a Canadian person thing. And since I am a Canadian person, I’m the best person to take over Hot Slut today to talk about it (but also because I will go to my grave screaming “Ready or not…CAN’T WAIT ANOTHER DAY.”)
Back in the late 80s and early 90s, a bunch of Canadian health teachers must have gotten together and decided that the best way to teach kids about boners and periods and tongue-kissing was through low-budget television, thus shows like Degrassi Junior High, Degrassi High, Zardip’s Search for Healthy Wellness, and Ready or Not were born. Obviously, Degrassi Junior High is hands-down the best television show you’ll ever watch, but coming in at a very close second is Ready or Not. It was basically a bootleg Canadian knock-off of My So-Called Life about two best friends named Amanda Zimm and Busy Ramone dealing with boobs, periods, divorce, zits, and smoking cigarettes. Busy Ramone was an icon for Canada’s lil’ gayelles because she hated makeup, wore head to toe flannel (probably bought at Zellers), played drums like a pro, skateboarded, and generally rolled her eyes at girly shit. And Amanda was a hero to none, because she was fucking annoying.
Ready or Not was the most formulaic shit, but my 12-year-old ass didn’t care. I loved watching Amanda do something stupid, like getting peer pressured into spray painting a swear on her stepdad’s car or shoplifting printed turtlenecks from Northern Getaway (bitch, you have enough turtlenecks!) followed by Busy almost break the fourth wall with her eye-rolling, as if she was thinking ‘Can you believe this dumb bitch? Why are we friends?’
Nearly all the episodes are on YouTube, so I encourage you to try to watch as many episodes as you can before you start screaming “Goddamnit, are you fucking serious Amanda??” (my record is 3).
Claire Danes (35)
Saoirse Ronan (20)
Jessie James (26)
Brooklyn Decker (27)
Brendon Urie (27)
Brian McFadden (34)
Jennifer Morrison (35)
Marley Shelton (40)
Claudia Jordan (41)
Christina Moore (41)
Shannen Doherty (43)
Art Alexakis (52)
Magda Szubanski (53)
Vince Gill (57)
Andy Garcia (58)
Pat Travers (60)
David Cassidy (64)
Flavio Briatore (64)
David Letterman (67)
Ed O’Neill (68)
Herbie Hancock (74)
Pic: T Magazine
When Lohanthony screams, “Calling all the basic bitches,” this is what shows up. But really, let’s play a quick game of M/F/K. I’d marry Katie Holmes, because she has experience in bearding and I want to know all of Tommy Girl’s secrets. I’d fuck Jessica Biel, because you know she’s a power top and can work a strap-on. And I wouldn’t kill Kate Bosworth’s malnourished Enchanted Evening Barbie-looking ass, but I would feed her a few meals from Claim Jumper – Lainey Gossip
Nothing is sexier than Miley Cyrus looking like a wet, topless and drunk Hermey the Dentist – Drunken Stepfather
Aaron Carter just melted into a puddle of meth and sadness – Celebitchy
Whatshername from The Real Housewives of Orange County is knocked up – Reality Tea
I see that Alec Baldwin is staying retired from public life….. – Towleroad
So I guess we have a new Ireland Baldwin in RPattz’s one-time piece. Yay us. – The Superficial
Sarah Hyland modeling the outfit found in every Coachella starter kit – Hollywood Tuna
RIP Coldwater Creek! – Jezebel
Emma Stone looks good and everything, but I’ve never noticed Spiderman’s cum drop eyes before – Popoholic
We’ll be drowning in more Duggars real soon – IDLYITW
Minnie Driver quit Twitter over whores hating on her bikini body – ICYDK
And I’ll take #1 through #29 – The Berry
Drake tries to trick people into talking trash about Drake by disgusting himself in a Kevin Spacey wig and a face merkin (and he still looks like Drake) – HuffPo
Prince William and Duchess Kate are still working really hard during their tour of New Zealand – Popsugar
Personally, I prefer to freebase crotch crabs, but my drug tastes are more refined – OMG Blog
Oh, Lea Michele and that Grade F Barbra Streisand impersonation….. – Moe Jackson
RDJ joined Twitter. Everything has changed. – SOW
Brad Pitt looks hot again – Just Jared
Because Vh1′s Couples Therapy wouldn’t give them top billing, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are whoring out their marriage woes in their own reality show for Lifetime whose title rhymes with “poo whorey.”
If you really want your front down low parts to shrivel up until they look like an overused sponge left out in the sun, then watch Dean McDermott say a bunch of scripted words about cheating on Tori while looking like a strung out, alcoholic, smelly trucker who was just arrested for fucking a barrel of Little Hugs at a Walmart in the middle of the afternoon. And if you really want your ass lips to shrivel up like two roly polies, watch Tori’s plastic Sopwith the Camel face contort as she cries, “I can never give him enough sex!”
These fame whores just won’t stop fame whoring and there’s no end to their fame whoreness. These whores got together and whored out their marriage in a reality show. Then these whores had a bunch of kids and whored those kids out in several reality shows. Then they got a business (or two, or three, I lost track) and whored out those businesses in a reality show. Now they’re whoring out their probably scripted marriage problems in a reality show. They’re not going to stop. They’re going to whore out their scripted divorce, then whore out their scripted reconciliation, then whore out the Band-Aid baby they’ll conceive and they’ll even whore out their deaths. After they’re dead, their ashes will get a reality show on Oxygen called CremaTORIum. They’ll be fame whoring posthumously.
And Dean’s worst nightmare is cheating on his wife? I guess he’s having one of those recurring nightmares since he cheated on his first wife with Tori.
I know, for a quick second, my eyes thought that was an old picture of Sam Kinison too.
Well, I guess it’s Twins Who Are Totally Screwed In Life week. First, we find out that oozing douche sore Joe Francis is going to be a father to twin daughters and now Radar is saying that Brooke Mueller’s got custody of her twin boys again. What next set of twins is going to be hit with tragedy? Somewhere in France, the chosen ones, Vivienne and Knox Jolie-Pitt, showed up to a toy store with their nannies to buy more toys since they obviously don’t have enough and it was closed. They wouldn’t even open up for them. It truly is the worst week for twins!
Last year, while Brooke Mueller was drying out in rehab for the 20th time, Denise Richards took care of her and Charlie Sheen’s twin boys, Max and Bob, since Charlie can’t even be trusted to take care of a broken crack pipe. After having the boys for a while, Denise wrote a letter to the Department of Children and Family Services telling them that Bob and Max have beat her girls, hit a teacher and were close to murdering her dogs. Denise also said that after visiting with Brooke one weekend, one of the boys came back with a bruise on his face. Brooke also wouldn’t let Denise take the boys to a shrink. It was a total mess. It got messier when the boys were placed with Brooke’s brother and they all moved into her house with her. Well, Brooke’s brother can move out now, because she’s got custody of the boys and is getting that Charlie Sheen money again. As the crack dealers sing “Happy Days Are Here Again,” some source dribbled out this drop of doom to Radar:
“Brooke was recently granted full custody of Bob and Max by a child dependency judge after it was deemed that she had complied with all of the terms set forth by the Los Angeles County Department of Children & Family Services. Moving forward, Brooke won’t have to undergo random drug tests. DCFS will keep in contact with Brooke and check up on the boys, but there will be no unannounced visits. As far as Child Protective Services is concerned, Brooke has made a successful recovery, and is now ready to be the legal custodial parent for the boys. Family reunification is always the goal in these types of cases. Splitting up a family, take children away from either the mother or father, only happens in extreme cases of neglect and abuse.”
No drug testing and a monthly check from Charlie Sheen…. I know some of you are thinking that this is going to end about as well as having bareback butt sex right after eating Korean BBQ. But who knows? Maybe 20th time’s a charm and Brooke will become a devoted mother who will rub her son’s tummies when their sick and bake cookies for PTA meetings. Or she’ll take that Charlie Sheen money and shack up with her crack dealer in a room at a Super 8 in Van Nuys while her boys are left at home by themselves to be raised by the backyard possums. That wouldn’t be the worst thing, actually. I mean, possums are totally good moms.
“Me neither!” said everyone currently logged into a Game of Thrones internet forum.
Peter Dinklage, who you may know as “Tyrion Lannister” from Game of Thrones, took a break from being one of the Internet’s Boyfriends (Benedict Cumberbatch and Matt Smith said he could take the day off) to do an Ask Me Anything on Reddit today. In between answering questions about the show and swords and winter is coming or whatever (I have no idea what GoT is about), a brilliant genius took the words ask me anything at their most literal and asked him what he does to his gorgeous hair to make it look like a cocker spaniel puppy took a nap on his head:
“It’s called not owning a brush. Or a comb. That’s my secret. Just don’t buy a comb.”
Oooh, you hear that combs? Shots fired! The beef of 2014 is on! Better pick a side now before it’s too late (I choose combs, but only because if I didn’t, I’d always look like a drunken rat orgy took place in my hair the night before). But the most important thing I learned from Peter’s AMA is that he’s ”good friends” with Karyn Parsons. Excuse you, Peter Dinklage, but being “good friends” with THE Hilary Banks is the only thing I have questions about. Questions such as: “What’s it like to have such a glamorous friend?” and “Do you realize how lucky you are to be good friends with Hilary Banks???”
Katy Perry to herself: “This is totally my future.”
Everybody to Katy Perry: “Bitch, you wish!”
Cher’s tenth annual farewell tour stopped in Boston last night and she gave all of her fans (which I’m assuming all look like this… no, that’s not me… I think) more wigs, rhinestones and contouring than an entire season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Cher wore Nicki Minaj’s wig better than Nicki Minaj wore it. Cher wore Brit Brit’s old nude bodysuit better than Brit Brit wore it. Cher wore Liberace’s rhinestone pool cover-up better than Liberace wore it. And she topped off that outfit with a heart-shaped red pasty covering up her 67-year-old nipple. Actually, I don’t think her nipple is 67 years old. Cher is probably on nipple #4 and the one she’s wearing now is not even a teenager. Or she’s not wearing a pasty and her nipple is red, heart-shaped and covered with tons of fucking sequins. I’d believe that.
Mike Myers (aka “Wayne Campbell” if you’re in your 40s, “Austin Powers” if you’re in your 30s, “Shrek” if you’re in your 20s, and “Some dude who might be wearing John Travolta’s hair” to anyone currently studying for SATs) shagged a baby into his wife Kelly Tisdale 9 months ago, and Us Weekly says that a tiny baby girl popped out of Kelly earlier today. Mike and Kelly already have a 2-year-old son that they named Spike Myers (which is what you get if you put “Mike Myers” into an Ed Hardy name generator), so I was crossing my fingers that they’d name Baby #2 something equally SoCal, like Blaze or Flayme, but they named her Sunday Molly Myers. Personally, I like the name Sunday Molly, because it sounds like something written on Miley Cyrus’s drug to-do list.
Friday: Freon, Weed
Plus with a name like “Sunday Molly”, she’d make a killing in college selling drugs (you gotta make it easy for the dumb ones to remember who they buy from). Then again, I’m talking about 20 years in the future, so molly will probably be replaced by “future coke” or “robot speed” or something called “bleep-blorp”. Either way, mazel to you both, Mike and Kelly.
The “Angie Jolie Look-Alike” Who Forced A Cabbie To Have Sex With Her At Knifepoint Got Four Years In Jail
And that’s called taking your Angelina Jolie impersonation to ILLEGAL levels of wrong.
The messy story of the Angelina Jolie look-alike (more like a melting Pete Burns wax figure look-alike) went viral two years ago, but the case recently went to trial where new fucked-up details came out. In 2012, 31-year-old Luminita Perijoc of Tulcea in Romania was arrested after a cab driver accused her of pulling a knife on him and forcing him to have sex with her twice before she stabbed him for not giving it to her a third time. The 35-year-old cab driver Nicolae Stan says that he was called to her apartment to deliver wine (Side question: Cab drivers bring you wine in Romania?!) and when he got to her apartment the crazy bitch grabbed him, pulled him inside and forced him to take his clothes off. After she forced him to have sex with her while holding a knife to his froat, she forced him to perform oral sex on her. When she wanted sex a third time, he turned her down and so she stabbed him six times. Nicolae somehow managed to run into a bathroom where he locked himself in and called the police.
When Luminita, who calls herself an Angelina Jolie look-alike, was arrested, she told the cops she was the victim. The NYDN says that the court found her guilty and she was originally sentenced to 5 years in prison, but when she claimed she was on “strong medication” at the time she attacked Nicolae, they reduced her sentence to 4 years. Nicolae told the court that he would’ve tried to overpower her, but he was afraid people would think he raped her. He tried to get out of there without hurting her. The married father of two told reporters that his life is ruined, because dumb shits are laughing at him for turning down an “Angelina Jolie look-alike“:
“They don’t understand why I refused her, but they do not know what it is like to have a mad woman yelling at you at knifepoint. They look at her, then look at me and laugh. But I think anyone would find it impossible to perform with a knife at their throat even if they were with Miss Romania.”
So she rapes him more than once, stabs him six times and he gets shit while she only gets 4 years in the clink? Is there a Romanian Nancy Grace, because if there is I need to hear her thoughts about this.
Meanwhile, a Jennifer Aniston look-alike was cited for trespassing in Latvia after she broke into a toy store to cuddle with the baby dolls.