Birthday Sluts

October 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Zac Efron (27)
Tyler Posey (23)
Bristol Palin (24)
Carly Schroeder (24)
Freida Pinto (30)
Esperanza Spalding (30)
Ne-Yo (32)
Josh Gracin (34)
Mike Tindall (36)
Curtis Stigers (49)
Vincent Spano (52)
Wynton Marsalis (53)
Jean-Claude Van Damme (54)
Erin Moran (54)
Martina Navratilova (58)
Arliss Howard (60)
Chuck Lorre (62)
Pam Dawber (63)
Terry McMillan (63)
Mike Ditka (75)
Dawn Wells (76)
Chuck Berry (88)

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Night Crumbs

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Evan Rachel Wood says that she “felt like meat” during this 2003 Vanity Fair cover shoot. So why did she feel like meat? They made her wear a dress and heels. Seriously. How did she ever get through that traumatizing ordeal? The phrase “the struggle is real” is overused, but it needs to be used here, because Evan Rachel Wood’s struggle IS real. Oh, and hi, Lindsay Lohan’s original face – Jezebel

Brad Pitt is still promoting Fury and his hair is still giving me Eddie Munster after a blowout – Lainey Gossip

This is supposed to be a SANS FARDS Kerry Washington on the cover of Allure, but I’m pretty sure she’s got some FARDS on her face – Drunken Stepfather

John Grisham’s publicist finally stuck their arm up his ass and made his mouth move while they said, “I, John Grisham, am sorry for saying what I said about child porn” – The Superficial

Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger aren’t getting married, because they think marriage is only for the religious kind and that’s something they’re not – Celebitchy

Hank Baskett and Kendra Wilkinson’s STUNT QUEEN stunt worked – Reality Tea

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s SuperHotSlut! – Hollywood Tuna

This is the second time that Kelly Brook has worn that top on the ho stroll and it concerns me that I know this – WWTDD

Charice has the soul of a man but she’s not going to fully transition anytime soon or ever – Towleroad

I really want to know what I’ll hear if I put my ear up to that picture, but I’m afraid it’ll bite my lobe off – Egotastic!

Halle Berry looks a little different in the eyes – Popoholic

Speaking of eyes, Bono’s got the glaucoma which is why he’s always wearing sunglasses – ICYDK

The fabulous pose machine who gave us Summerlin Is Burning glamour comes out against anti-bullying – Boy Culture

I’m not even going to pretend like I know what Blake NotSoLively is wearing – Popsugar

This is what $95 million gets you in NYC (and no, that link will not lead you to a picture of a naked Anderson Cooper sprawled out on a unicorn while a gold Cronut hangs from his peen) – The Berry

Detective Juliette Lewis thinks Misty Upham was murdered – HuffPo

FINISH HER, Floyd! – Just Jared

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Bruce Jenner Is Dating Pimp Mama Kris’ Best Friend

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

I see that Pimp Mama Kris came up with a new storyline for her reality shit show.

When Pimp Mama Kris filed for divorce from the face of Lana Del Rey’s future known as Bruce Jenner, I expected him to pack up his Kit N Caboodle, slide into his convertible, check his lip gloss situation in the rearview mirror, put on his orange aviators, blast Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” hit the gas and never ever look back. But that didn’t happen, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris still has her devil claws wrapped around his strawberry shampoo-scented mane of luscious glamour.

Both TMZ and People threw up posts today claiming that Bruce is pressing his pool noodle lips onto the face of PMK’s best friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. A sores (typo and it stays) tells TMZ that Ronda is a 51-year-old divorced mother of 2 and she’s been friends with the Jenners for years and years. Ronda lives in the same neighborhood as Bruce and PMK and the two families have gone on vacation and spent holidays together. The “source” also says that Ronda is the Taylor Swift to PMK’s Karlie Kloss, because she’s been Single White Female-ing PMK. Family members say that it seems like Ronda wants to become PMK. Let me guess, the source (Hi, PMK) also went on to say, “But really, who can blame Ronda? Kris Jenner is thee most naturally beautiful, sexy, intelligent and caring women in the world. I think it’s weird that every woman isn’t try to be her! Not now, Satan. Now now. I’m on the phone with TMZ. I’ll give you a sacrifice later.

People’s source says that PMK is “devastated “and can’t believe that her friend of 20 years and her ex-husband would betray her like this.

There are not enough Bitch, Pleases in the world for me to properly react to this story. This is probably another fake storyline cooked up by PMK. The only way PMK would be genuinely devastated and heartbroken about something is if someone burned a $100 bill in front of her. If her house caught on fire when she wasn’t home, the first think she’d ask after finding out is, “Did my safe full of money make it out okay?” In fact, that’s probably how the producers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians are going to bring the raw emotion out of PMK while shooting the scene where she finds out that Bruce is dating her friend. A producer is going to hold a gun to a stack of hundreds  in front of her and the tears are just going to pore out of PMK’s pulled face. She’s going to win a special Emmy for that performance.

E! says that TMZ and People are wrong and Bruce and Ronda are just friends. I hope E! is right, because Bruce needs to get away from PMK and dating her friend is not getting away from her. Bruce should run off and become a counselor at Camp Camellia or something.

Pics: Pacific Coast News

Dane Cook Has Boned Hundreds Of Groupies, So Says Dane Cook

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Pfft, amateur slut!” – Wilt Chamberlain’s ghost

The John Mayer of comedians and the huge movie star that never was, Dane Cook, was on Watch What Happens Live last night and that shifty Siamese Cat Andy Cohen played one of those games he plays to get famous types to spill shit about themselves or other famous types. During the game, called Cheese Dane-ish, Andy asked the forever frat boy a question and if Dane refused to spit out an answer, CNN’s Candy Crowley had to fill his mouth with cheese. Since Dane answered every question, he never got a shot of cheese to the mouth, so every groupie who has sucked him off can’t say, “Now he knows how we feel!”

Anyway, Andy asked Dane who the most overrated comedian is and it took him a few seconds before he queefed out, “Gallagher.” Dane’s worst screen kiss was with Kate Hudson because she ate onions beforehand. Typical of Dane to put it on Kate. It wasn’t Kate who stank like onions. It was Dane and it wasn’t from eating onions. Andy’s third question for Dane was about working with his ex-piece Jessica Simpson on Employee of the Month. Andy asked,  ”What was the dumbest thing she said on set?” Dane’s answer, “She said one day, ‘Are we making a movie?’

And for the fourth question, Andy asked the human Summer’s Eve bottle how many groupie chochas have been touched by his Cook cock. His answer is a shock to no one:

“In my younger days, I would say, a few hundred.”

That number seems low, honestly. Back in the Golden Age of Dane Cook, college girls were tingling their clits off over him and he probably couldn’t open his mouth without a tongue going in.

You know, since we’re talking about Dane Cook and sex…. Dane looks like the kind of dude you’d have to hold your breath while making out with because he stinks like barf and beer. He’s probably the kind who burps during oral (giving and getting), farts when he cums and keeps his socks on the whole time.

With that being said, yes, yes I would.

Here’s the clip of Dane on WWHL last night. I see he traded in “fucking groupies” for “fucking his face with Botox needles.

Open Post: Hosted By Iggy Azalea’s Neon Orange Camel Toe

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Who dat? Who dat? V-A-G-G-Y!

Iggy Azalea and the paparazzi have put down their shivs, de-Crisco’d their faces, pulled the razors out of their hair and stopped wishing AIDS and Ebola on each other. For now. They’ve kissed and made up (Yes, when I typed that I had the same visual that popped into your head after reading it), because she needs the attention and the paps know that dumb bloggers like me will pay for pictures of her Australian camel toe in orange coochie cutters.

If you’ve been farting corn kernels for the past day or so, then I’m guessing you filled yourself with popcorn while watching the fight between Snoop Dogg and Iggy. Snoop Dogg fired the first shot when he posted a picture on Instagram of “Iggy SANS FARDS.” She got mad and he kept throwing dingles at her including posting that side-by-side picture of her and a White Chick that’s everyone seen. Snoop eventually said he was sorry and Iggy took his apology. But I don’t know if Iggy is totally over it. Iggy probably wore these snatch suffocaters in front of the paps, because she wants to let Snoop know that he can say that from the neck up she looks like a Wayans Brother in white girl drag, but down below she’s got a glorious, glorious vagine.

And you probably didn’t read any of that because as soon as you saw that picture, you ran off to buy a bag of Circus Peanuts.

Pics: Wenn.com, FameFlynet

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Woe Continues To Be Jon Gosselin

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The last time I wrote about Jon Gosselin’s living and job situation, he was working as a waiter and living in a cabin in the woods. Jon was fired from his waiter job last May because he didn’t show up to a lot of his shifts and he was always late. Jon later got a job at a credit card company and moved out of his cabin in the woods and into an apartment. But now UsWeekly is saying that he might soon be living in a tent made out of Ed Hardy t-shirts, because he doesn’t have a job anymore and his ass got evicted. Kate Gosselin’s plastic face just moved for the first time in months when she smiled and let out a high-pitched HAHA.

I guess shitting on the mother of his ten million kids to the tabloids doesn’t pay as much as it used to, because UsWeekly’s source says that he fell behind on rent and was kicked out of his place. Jon also broke up with the crazy trick he was on Couples Therapy with. Jon worked in IT before reality TV destroyed his life, but he says he can’t find a job in that field anymore. The source says that bad financial decisions (cut to the giant pile of Ed Hardy shit in his closet) are to blame for why he’s broke. A different source tells E! that he still doesn’t pay child support, but he sees his kids. Jon moved into a new place, but it’s way too small to fit his mountain of children.

“The saddest part of it is he now has nowhere to take the kids. He’s not allowed at the house, so he was taking them to his old apartment. But the new one is too small for eight children. It’s heartbreaking. Jon has asked friends for help, but no one wants to lend him money because they don’t see how he’d be able to pay it back.”

But you know, if you ask me, going from partying on the S.S. Douche with a French piece of fried salmon jerky to living in a studio apartment in rural Pennsylvania is an upgrade. If he needs a place to fit all of his kids, he can rent one of those U-Pack PODS for cheap.

Why do I have a feeling that the year 2007 is about to regurgitate on our eyes? TLC is only giving Kate “specials” and she’s hard-up for a full show. Jon is hard-up for cash. So I expect them to join together again to star in a reality show about two crazy divorced bitches living under one roof. Jon will once again have enough money to wine and dine his skanks and Kate will have another child to terrorize.

And if the tortured and mangled possum that used to live on Kate’s head comes back, it’ll really be like old times!

kategosselinpossumhair

And Blake NotSoLively’s “OhMyGawd I Am Getting So Damn Fat” Phase Begins….

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Blake Lively’s baby bump made its red carpet debut at the God’s Love We Deliver Golden Heart Awards in NYC last night. (Yes, I hate the shit out of myself for typing that sentence.) Blake proved that the only things you need to make a stunning maternity gown are a bunch of pairs of saggy granny hose you curated from vintage lingerie stores, artisanal glitter and homemade glue. If this was Preserve.us, I’d describe that dress as looking like a redolent field of lavender flowers harmoniously pirouetting through the pellucid air as the spry wind titillates their petals. Actually, I think I’ve written that same sentence when talking about Shauna Sand’s twat.

Because she’s the fashion icon of our time, the future mommy blogger of your nightmares (and my dreams because think of the gold foolery she’s going to deliver) was asked by People what her “pregnancy style” is going to be. Blake is just going to take ten yards of Spandex, cut a hole for her head in it, throw it over her body and call it a day. Ten yards of Spandex is the only thing that will fit her fatty fatty fat fat fucking fatty fat fat body. If Blake keeps getting so big, she’ll have to turn Preserve.us into a blog about jam.

“Have you seen me?!” the expectant actress joked to PEOPLE of her growing baby belly.

“I’m gonna amp up my style by wearing things that are stretchier,” the one-time Gossip Girl star, who wore an oleander and lilac embroidered stretch tulle gown from the Michael Kors Resort 2015 collection, told PEOPLE. “Because that’s all that fits!”

I am seeing you, Blake, and your belly looks the way my bloated gut would if I went on a 10-day laxative fast, did crunches 3 hours a day and spent a few hours sitting in that I Love Lucy sauna. But you know, Blake truly is a fashion icon who gives great fashion advice. I was just about to write Hanes and beg them to please make empire waist t-shirts for men, but now I know that covering my gut with stretchy stuff is the way to go. I can totally wear that Spandex tank top in my drawer now.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Love Story Of Our Time Has A Sad Ending: Charlie Sheen Dumped His Piece Brett Rossi

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under: This is why Denise Richards is cackling today.

The inspirational, beautiful story of the love between the warlockized herpes strain Charlie Sheen and his porn piece Brett Rossi was supposed to end with her spoon feeding coke cut with Benefiber into his pepaw nostrils before cutting out a dick hole in his Depends diaper so the hooker they hired has easy access. They were supposed to be together forever. But just like a coochie when Charlie puts his nasty tongue on it, their love foamed at the mouth before dying. They are over.

In just a few weeks, Brett Rossi was supposed to walk down the aisle while carrying a bouquet of crack rocks and she was supposed to officially become Charlie Sheen’s fourth wife after the officiant, Ron Jeremy, announced, “I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now snort a fat line off of your bride’s asshole.” Charlie tells E! News that he called off their 8-month-old engagement and put Brett on the curb. In the statement he shat up to E!, Charlie calls Brett “Scotty” and I don’t know if that’s his nickname for her or if he just calls everyone that because he can’t remember names. (Added note: I must be on crack because I forgot she changed her name to Scottine Sheen which sounds like a brand of toilet paper.)

“Scotty and I had a great year together as we traveled the world and crossed a lot of things off our bucket list. She’s a terrific gal—but we’ve mutually decided to go our separate ways and not spend the rest of our lives together. I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus more than a relationship does right now. I still have a tremendous fondness for Scotty and I wish her all the best.”

After reading the line, “I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus,” Judy at the CPS office in L.A. just screamed out, “GODDAMNSIT,” in her cubicle, picked up her phone and called her kids to tell them that she can’t take them to Knott’s Berry Farm this weekend, because she’s going to be really busy with work since Charlie’s inconsiderate ass has decided he needs to spend time with his kids and ruin them some more. Poor Judy.

The bad news for Brett Rossi is that even though she probably got a good severance package (a leather suitcase full of money and a lifetime supply of Valtrex), she won’t be honored by the Gold Digger Hall of Fame anytime soon because she didn’t secure herself a regular alimony check by making a cracked out Charlie marry her in a drive-thru wedding chapel in Nevada. The good news for Brett Rossi is that she dodged a bullet and I mean that both figuratively and literally.

Pic: FameFlynet

Hot Slut Of The Day!

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The hypnotizing Windows 98 screensaver!

I am strictly an Apple whore now, but back in the far away olden days of the late 90s I had an Acer my mom bought me on HSN and it came with that infamous Windows 98 screensaver. I hated to love that screensaver and I loved to hate it. Every time it came on, I’d stare at it for hours and get sucked in. It trained me for my eventual stoner days.

It’s seriously one of the ugliest screen savers ever. That HGTV Flip or Flop couple should update that mess.

That never-ending maze that sucks you in was totally foreshadowing of what was to come from computers and the Internet. I went from getting the heaves while staring at that ugly never-ending maze for HOURS to getting the wet heaves while staring at videos titled “Pulling The Longest Ingrown Hair Out Of My Face” on YouTube for HOURS. And that annoying, scary ass rat. I wonder what ever became of it? It probably gorged itself on organic aged cheese, learned Spanish in Spain from the masters, summered in the Hamptons every year and eventually grew up to be Goop.com. It still terrorizes computers today.

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