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When I was a kid, I used to watch this show called called Harriet’s Magic Hats, and it was about a chick who could teleport to different jobs by putting on a hat from her aunt’s magical hat trunk. Yes, you can go ahead and file this under: “WTF-level television from 1980s Canada” along with ASTAR. Harriet’s niece would always pick something boring, like a hat from a sleep apnea clinic or something, and she’d magically appear at that job. It was literally like watching a low-budget TV show about career day, but with a dangerous disregard for the laws of physics.
Anyway, when I saw these pictures of Boy George performing with Culture Club at the Greek Theater on Friday night in a variety of gorgeously ostentatious hats, it made me wish Boy George had access to Harriet’s magical hat trunk. I don’t even know what kind of jobs Boy George’s hats would transport me to, but I want to go to all of them. Although if I had to guess, I’d say most of them would lead to wherever a sexy robot drag queen showgirl from the year 2109 works. And really, what couldn’t you learn from job shadowing a sexy robotic drag queen showgirl? Exactly.
Just a helpful production note for anyone who is planning on recording a menacing video message for their enemies any time in the near future: it’s difficult to appear tough when it looks like you’re filming in front of the Home Depot garden center.
Trace Cyrus, the Cousin Eddie to Miley’s Clark Griswold (technically I think they’re both the Cousin Eddie, but just go with me on this one) recently crawled out of the shallow end of gene pool and reminded us that he’s still a thing by threatening to fight other bands. That’s right. If you’re in a band and you’ve been talking shit about Trace Cyrus’ band, he WILL kick your ass…but only if you agree to sign a lengthy waiver promising that you will not sue him.
“I wonder what a bunch of those studio lights would go for on Craigslist?”
According to People, 50 Cent’s “Whoopies, I’m too poor to pay for my sex tape lawsuit” plan didn’t work and now he is – how you say – le fucked. On top of the $5 million 50 Cent was ordered to pay to Lastonia Leviston for posting a sex tape online without her consent, a judge ordered him to pay an extra $2 million in damages on Friday. You hear that, 50 Cent’s fans? You’ve already raised $50.67; only $6,999,949.33 to go!
50 Cent’s attorney told People that they’re “disappointed” that the judge scratched out the number 5 and replaced it with a 7 on the piece of paper showing how much money he owes, and added that his client plans on filing a post-verdict motion to reduce the size of the award. His attorney also said that even though the judge told 50 to write Lastonia a check for $7 million, it will ultimately be up to the bankruptcy court to decide how much 50 Cent will pay.
If that bankruptcy judge calls 50 Cent’s bluff on his $0 bank balance and tells him to fork over $7 million to Lastonia, I hope he stresses that he is to give her seven million dollars. 50 Cent has already tried once to get out of paying Lastonia; I wouldn’t put it past him to try it again. That bankruptcy judge should make it very clear that mailing Lastonia a promotional coupon for $7 million off her next purchase of Effen vodka will not be considered payment.
Brooke Hogan, one of the many nuggets floating around in the metaphorical toilet that is Hulk Hogan’s sex tape transcript (working title: “The Hulkster is About To Make You Feel Real Uncomfortable, Bruthur“), is apparently super sad that people think her daddy is racist. I know, right? Whatever would give us that idea? It’s not like there’s reportedly a recording of Hulk Hogan growling out the n-word over and over again. Oh wait…
Brooke wants you to look past The Hulkster’s word turds and into his (probably) deeply sun-damaged heart. Shortly after Hulk admitted that, yeah, he said some offensive shit and apologized for it, Brooke wrote a poem titled “If You Knew My Father” and posted it to Facebook. So for those of you who have ever scrolled through the Dlisted archives and wondered what former famous person Brooke Hogan has been up to, you have your answer. Poetry. She also made a picture collage of Hulk Hogan shaking hands with an assortment of people, because Brooke Hogan really wants you to know her dad loves everyone.
The poem is after the cut because it’s way too many words. But also because it’s a damn MESS and you’re going to want to slam a couple shots of something hard before you try to work your way through it.
Heather Tenney, Ohio’s answer to Helen of Troy!
Behold, a woman who is so desirable and wanted that she can drive grown men she’s related to by blood to burn down houses because they can’t have her love. Derrick Lewis of WKBN-TV was covering a fire that damaged two houses and two garages in Leavittsburg, Ohio when he interviewed Heather Tenney. Heather lives in one of the houses with her husband, the dude behind her who looks like a skinny Kid Rock if Kid Rock was the lead singer in a Black Crowes cover band.
At around the 1:03 mark in the video below, Derrick asks Heather if she knows how the fire started and she pretty much spits out an entire Jerry Springer episode. I’m just going to put it in Heather’s words, because that shit is gold wrapped in gold:
Heather: Yes, I do. It was cause of my cousin. I don’t wanna mention no names.
Derrick: Your cousin? And you said you think your cousin started this. Do you know how or why?
Heather: He’s mad because he can’t get with me. I’m married to my husband. It’s a long story. To make it short, he already put him (her husband) in the hospital once last month and he figured he’s going to do something else to get back.
And I thought my family reunions were awkward as all hell, but they have nothing on the Tenney family reunions. Maybe Derrick Lewis should be HSOTD, because he showed all the restraint in the world by not laughing himself inside/out.
TLC needs to give them a show (and they will), because I need to know what happens next. I also take back what I said about Heather being Ohio’s answer to Helen of Troy. She’s obviously got it better than Helen of Troy and she doesn’t give any fucks. Helen is Troy’s answer to Heather of Ohio.
via Statter911 (For Renee)
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Katy Perry and John Mayer broke up for the 5,689th time. I’m guessing that they broke up again because the whole Taylor/Nicki/Katy feud made John realize that he hasn’t fucked Nicki yet, so he’s going to try to get on that – Lainey Gossip
Not Kate Moss and Count Von Count! – Celebitchy
Amanda Bynes appears! And she looks good – Drunken Stepfather
The Kartrashians had a party to celebrate Pimp Mama Kris buying Kylie Jenner a diploma from an online high school and Khlozilla cleared the place with her terrifying wookie twerking – Reality Tea
Michael Jackson wanted to play Jar Jar Binks. It would’ve been and upgrade, probably – The Superficial
Demi Lovato serves up some “ho shit in an alley way” messiness in her new video – IDLYITW
The Philippines unleashed The Difficult Brown on the world again and for that, I will never forgive them! – Jezebel
Janet Jackson’s new video is like a really moody House Hunters house tour – Towleroad
The voice of Grumpy Cat is in a bikini – Popoholic
If God is a woman, she lost her NuvaRing in the sky – Hollywood Tuna
Bryce Dallas Howard’s feets are crying out a stream of “WHYs” today, because she’ll have to slip back into her heels since there will be a Jurassic World 2 – Egotastic
John Stamos is out of rehab and looking hot – SOW
Seeing as though every maid who works for Naomi Campbell feels like they’re trapped in an episode of American Horror Story, this is perfect – Just Jared
Nina Dobrev and her piece kiss on a yacht – Popsugar
Charlie Hunnam talks about dropping out of Fifty Shades of Shit, again – ICYDK
Maddox is working on Dame St. Angie Jolie’s Netflix movie about the Cambodian genocide in the 1970s. Expect the Oscars to add the category: Best Assistance From A Son In A Movie That Was Released Only On Netflix – HuffPo
Star Magazine said a couple of weeks ago that Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt were done after 18 years together, because she was sick of getting her cervix stitched back together every other week. No, the source said that they went their separate ways, because she wants kids and he doesn’t. There was also a rumor that he and the Hammaconda have moved on to Sandra Bullock, but I didn’t believe that shit, because I didn’t see any paparazzi pictures of her being pushed around in a wheelchair due to not being able to walk. But well, either Jon and Jennifer never broke up or they got back together, because a witness type tells Page Six that they were “canoodling” at the after-party for Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp.
“They were canoodling all night,” said our spy at the Standard Biergarten. “It certainly looked like they were very much together.”
As the pair got cozy, Hamm’s “Wet Hot” co-star Amy Poehler was “dancing and sweating profusely,” a witness said, along with “also sweaty” Judd Apatow. Who can blame them?
That source ruined it. Did I really need the image of sweat flying off of Judd Apatow’s face as he dropped it low to the beat?
So that’s that. If you’ve been spending many a night in the middle of the forest with your legs spread wide open and a warthog in front of your crotch, hoping that the Hammaconda will sniff it out and take the bait, stop doing that. The Hammaconda is probably busy with Jennifer Westfeldt for now, and besides, you may attract Khlozilla instead.
What would we do without the high priestess of everything teaching us her ways? All you ladies would be running around with wrinkly pussy lips and we’d all be embarrassing ourselves by yawning like piece of trash lvasants. Goopy Paltrow has returned to show us how to piss in the shower the right way. If you’ve been emptying your bladder in the toilet or pissing in the shower while standing, you’ve been doing it wrong and you should be ashamed of your not-knowing ass.
Because I sometimes care about my brain, I’ve never pictured how Goopy pisses. But if I had to guess, I’d say that she whizzed out an organic stream of piss into a marble basin and that organic piss is later distilled, mixed with cardamon seeds, bottled and sold for $675 as cleansing elixir on GOOP.com. But according to Goopy, she pisses in the shower. But of course, there’s a GOOP-approved way to do it.
In the new edition of GOOP, the Internet journal of insufferableness that is the reason why we all have the ability to roll our eyes, she gets into the “secrets of the pelvic floor.” Yes, Goopy’s pelvic floor is better than your pelvic floor and not just because it’s covered in imported Spanish limestone instead of builder-grade linoleum like yours. It’s better because she works it out all the time. Goopy says that you need to work out your pelvic floor and you can do so with coochie clenches (aka kegels) and by fucking. But another way you can work it out is by squat pissing in the shower. Let Goopy show you how to do golden showers the right way!
Try peeing in the shower squatting down. When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting up straight on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally stretches and tones. Because your urethra is pointed straight down in this position all you have to do is relax for urine to flow out easily—as opposed to sitting up straight and having to strain to empty your bladder.
I can already see a bunch of messes falling over and cracking their hip bones while trying to pee in the shower GOOP-style. Goopy has an unfair advantage, because she can easily just pull the stick out of her ass until it hits the tile and sit on that as she pisses. And I bet that after Goopy finishes in the shower, she gets her live-in contractor to tear all the tile out and re-tile, because pissing in the shower is only okay if it’s brand new. Otherwise it’s unhygienic and tacky!