Thor is in GQ Magazine’s Manly Man Issue and there’s not one picture of his nipples. GQ really needs to take a trip to Dictionary.com and look up the meaning of “manly man.” Everyone but them knows that the definition of a “manly man” is a man who is always naked because he’s too manly for clothes – Lainey Gossip
So I guess this means that we’ll never get an encore performance of Rose McGowan in her elegant VMAs “dress” – Celebitchy
And just like that, Ellen DeGeneres dyed her hair black and got a long weave installed in her head – The Superficial
Teresa Giudice’s ex-crisis manager is writing a tell-all and I’m sure the title will be Planet of the Fame Whores – Reality Tea
Carla Gugino married Martina Navratilova?! – Towleroad
So I see that Stacey Dash is a proud graduate of Lea Michele’s School Of Try Hard Sexy Poses - Hollywood Tuna
Is it grounds for a 5150 hold if I admit out loud that I’m actually excited about seeing Wiz Khalifa’s sex tape? - WWTDD
If you put a microscope up to my brain, this is what you’d see – The Berry
Presenting the most riveting thing I’ve seen today: Megan Fox and David Silver walking through a parking lot – Popoholic
Panty Creamer of the Day: Calvin Harris without a top on – Popsugar
Sony hates James Franco in The Interview – IDLYITW
Somebody get me a tub of holy water, because I need to drown out the image of Bill Cosby’s crusty anus mouth sucking on toes – Jezebel
And I fully expect Tim Burton to replace Michael Keaton with Johnny Depp in Beetlejuice 2 – Pajiba
Today, I hate my eyes for mistaking a younger Mark Ruffalo for Ashton Kutcher – SOW
Fuck you, Jamie Dornan, for not telling me which sex dungeon you were visiting before you visited it – Just Jared
But when is it going to be Vanity 6′s turn to be inducted into the Rock N’ Roll Hall Of Fame? – ICYDK
What a surprise – HuffPo
Jessica Biel’s either got a human growing in her body or she’s suffering from the same shit I suffer from, skinny fat, because she’s been looking swole. The hobo’s Blake Lively (or is Blake Lively the hobo’s Jessica Biel?) and Justin Timberlake haven’t said anything about her being knocked up, because it’s pretty obvious that she is and they’re way too ~famous~ and way too ~ private~ for that. Besides, they don’t need to announce that shit when they’ve got Joey Fat One to do it for them.
Just like the editor of InStyle before him, the brown-headed Guy Fieri let everyone know that in a few months Jessica Biel’s body will eject a baby that will be all ass and Ramen hair. Joey EXCLUSIVELY told InTouch that he’s known about the TimberFetus for a long time now.
“He told me a while ago, and I kept my mouth shut,” Joey says in the new issue of ‘In Touch.’ “But now I can talk about it!”
And though Justin and Jessica have kept mum on the subject, Joey is confident they’re more than ready to become parents. “Jessica is awesome, and Justin is a kid at heart,” he adds. “[They’ll have] fun.”
If JT is pissed that Joey Fat One is blabbing about his oh-so-private private life, he shouldn’t be. JT thinks he’s too good for an NSYNC reunion tour, so how else is Joey supposed to get money? Being the guest host of The Price Is Right Live! show at Bally’s in Las Vegas only pays so much (and by “so much” I do mean drink tickets and a free dinner at the buffet). Joey has no choice but to trade info about the most famous NSYNCer for a check made out to cash from InTouch Weekly. You did this to yourself, JT!
And here’s JT and Jay-Z leaving Taylor Swift’s apartment in NYC yesterday. Are they doing a song together? Did they have a spit roast threesome? Or did Jay-Z and JT come over to make Christmas cookies in her Easy Bake oven while singing along to the Chipmunks Christmas album? This is Tay Tay we’re talking about. It’s the last one.
Sorry, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan, you tried it, but nobody brought the “two freshly bloomed lilies blowing in the spring wind” glamour the way that Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah did in 2011.
London is currently being infected with double the Lohan, because Ali Lohan is now there with Lindsay Lohan. I would feel sorry for London, but we have faulty dildo Piers Morgan, so we’re even for now. Ali and LiLo look like a cross between a modern day, low-rent, public access at 2am version of Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? and rejected cast members from The Real Housewives of Long Island. Ali and LiLo spent their night last night terrorizing the Love Magazine holiday party and the Chiltern Firehouse (aka the Chateau Marmont’s just as messy British cousin). So if you were at either of those places last night, you now know who took your stash, purse, coat and ring. If you’re saying to yourself, “No, no, my ring is safe, I’m wearing it.” Look down at your finger. Yup, it’s gone. Bitch is that good.
In some of these pictures, LiLo looks plastered, but I’m sure she’s just relaxed from all the chamomile tea she drank throughout the night and from all the crushed aspirin she snorted to soothe her headache.
And if you’re thinking to yourself that LiLo really needs to go to a Victoria’s Secret and steal herself a bra, you need to stop. LiLo’s tether ball tits are her signature look! Besides, she’s got plenty of support. Her belt is making sure that her boobs don’t hit her knees. So stop the jealousy and get into LiLo’s Newton’s Cradle chichis.
In honor of it being the first night of Hanukkah, 9 days till Christmas, and 3 hours till I fall into a diabetic coma from drinking six gallons of eggnog, here’s the always festive and joyful Kristen Stewart getting into the holiday spirit by flipping off the paps. Oh, KStew – it’s the most wonderful tiiiiime of the year, and you’re still the most sullen of sullen teens. Even that mopey bummer Charlie Brown is like “Damn bitch, who pissed in your peppermint latte?”
KStew delivered her lovely handmade gift to the paps on Sunday after they spent the day following her around Los Feliz while she got coffee with her BFF Alicia Cargile. How thoughtful of her! That’s a really great present. You know, I still need to get a last-minute gift for the asshole who keeps backing into my car and putting dents in my license plate, and I think a middle finger would be perfect. Then again, I’ve got this sneaking suspicion they already got one this year.
And I know that everyone talks about KStew having the acting range of a damp piece of plywood, but you can’t say the same about her bird-flipping hand. It’s delivering so much raw emotion: anger, rage, fury, frustration. Is it too early to reboot the Twilight series and cast KStew’s bird-flipping hand as Bella? I would watch that.
Here’s KStew before she stuffed the paps’ stockings with cunty cheer, dressed like a goth stay-at-home dad while getting coffee:
So far, the Sony Hack has been mostly fun, games, fuckery, saint-bashing, Leo-trashing and Channing Tatum going full Channing Tatum. But the Sony Hack just made a sharp left turn onto the Shit Got Real expressway. Deadline says that a threatening note that is believed to have come from the hackers, who call themselves the Guardians of Peace, was released today and in it, they say that some not-so-peaceful shit will happen in theaters showing The Interview on its opening day, December 25th. DAMN. They really don’t want people to see The Interview. If they want to keep people from seeing that shit in theaters, they should just email everyone a link to the trailer, because that’s what convinced me that I can’t watch that movie unless I’m lying on my own couch with a vaporizer straw shoved in my mouth.
The hackers recently promised a “Christmas surprise” and Deadline’s “sources” figured that meant they’re planning to leak The Interview in full on the Internet to keep people from paying to see it in theaters. But according to their threat, their “Christmas surprise” is a zillion times more disturbing.
We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.
North Korea has already denied being involved in the hack. That note reads like I’m supposed to think it was written by someone who wants us to believe it was written by a North Korean using Google translate. Are they pulling some reverse psychology shit on us?
I can’t believe this is over a stupid movie starring James Franco and Seth Rogen. I was going to say that this could be some elaborate publicity stunt from Sony and STUNT QUEEN master general James Franco, but if it was there’d be a lot more leaked emails saying that he’s the greatest actor and artiste of our generation. There’d also be a lot more leaked pictures of him being naked with Seth Rogen, because he can’t get enough of that.
UPDATE: Seth Rogen and James Franco have canceled all of the press they were supposed to do this week for The Interview. Also, Homeland Security said that the threat isn’t credible.
Aaron Sorkin Thinks The Bar Is Set Higher For Actors Than Actresses When It Comes To Winning An Oscar
More leaked Sony emails have been released, and today’s “I bet you wish you hadn’t said that” moment comes courtesy of The Newsroom’s Aaron Sorkin. UsWeekly says it happened during an email exchange between Sorks and Sony co-chair Amy Pascal regarding a New York Times op-ed by Maureen Dowd about the lack of diversity and women in film. Aaron Sorkin claimed that when it comes to winning an Academy Award, famous guys who put on wigs and pretend to be somebody else have a “much higher bar” to clear than famous ladies who put on wigs and pretend to be somebody else. Sorky references Cate Blanchett’s win for Blue Jasmine as an example (“You’re dead to me, Sorky” hissed Cate Blanchett atop her throne of acting awards).
To quote the internal monologue in North West’s head when that hobbit who smells like paint and burnt wax picks her up from her nanny’s house for an Instagram pic session (which she’ll get cropped out of later): “Your face, I can’t place it.”
Thanks to this cover of Women’s Health, Brit Brit Spears will once again get a holiday gift basket from Adobe as a thank you for her years of support. Our Lady of Cheetos is on the cover of Women’s Health January/February 2015 issue and it took me a minute to see the Britney under all those layers of Photoshop. Brit Brit’s in there, but I also see other things like:
1. A sleep-deprived Heidi Klum after Phoebe Price’s plastic surgeon installed silicone chicken cutlets into her cheeks.
2. An unauthorized Elisabeth Hasselbeck plastic puppet that was pulled off of Walmart shelves for scaring children.
3. A Klingon that had its forehead scales shaved down and smoothed out.
With all that being said, I’d totally suck on Brit Brit’s face on the cover and solely because her new nose kind of looks like a dick.
Brit Brit also did an interview and what I mean by that is that her publicist handed the magazine a bunch of canned quotes that didn’t come out of Our Lady of Cheetos’ mouth ever. If Team Cheetos wants us to believe these quotes came from the brain of Brit Brit, they shouldn’t have used hard works like crucial, consistency, continuous, exercise, wider, cardio, important, daily, problem, motivated, etc… etc…
On her birthing hips : “My hips are a little bit wider because I’ve had kids. So it was crucial for me to be continuous with my exercise. Consistency is key.”
On how her trainers hold a piece of teriyaki possum jerky in front of her while she’s running on the treadmill: “Daily exercise is important for me both mentally and physically. I don’t mind working out. Trainers keep you motivated, but I didn’t have a problem being motivated.”
On how dancing is hard: “Dancing is a great cardio workout — tough and fun at the same time.”
And I haven’t read the whole issue, but I’m pretty sure that the one simple move to getting “insane abs” is to hold your arms above your head and let Photoshop do the rest.
During an interview with the very British-sounding RadioTimes.com (via NY Daily News) about his very British Black Mirror Christmas special, The Hammaconda’s handsome human handler Jon Hamm confessed that the reason you’ll never see him play a superhero like Superman or Superman’s hunky uncle Sexyman (that’s a superhero that exists, right?) is because at 43-years-old, he’s too old for that shit. Jon admits that he’s been offered quite a few superhero roles, but he’ll never take them because he’s nearing the age where his superhero’s greatest foe will be hair loss and high cholesterol:
“The deals that they make you do are so draconian. And, of course, you are signed on for not only the movie that you are signed on for … but at least two more that you haven’t read and you have no idea what they are going to be and all the crossover ones you are going to have to do. For me to sign on now to do a superhero movie would mean I would be working until I am 50 as that particular superhero.”
He also went on to say that it’s not just that he’s too old; it’s also that nobody outside of giant penis enthusiasts even know who the fuck he is:
“Ask anyone under the age of 20 if they have heard of me and they will go, ‘No, that guy looks like my dad.’ It doesn’t compute to the generation that most of Hollywood cares about. If your last name’s not Hemsworth or you are not in One Direction or you don’t wear a cape and tights for a living, you literally have a hard time making an impression.”
On the other hand, if you ask anyone over the age of 20 if they have heard of him, they will go “Is this a serious question? YES, that guy looks like a dad. A dad I’d like to…well, you know.” So really, it’s all relative. But it is nice that Jon Hamm is pretending that the reason he hasn’t taken a superhero role is because he’s too old, and not because he knows he’d cause mass crotch explosions if audiences ever saw his spandex-wrapped ham sausage projected 20-feet tall onto an IMAX screen.
When Mel B went back to the X-Factor UK on Sunday, finale night, after missing one live show due to some kind of mystery illness, she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring and she had bruises and cuts on her arms. Before Sunday’s live show, Mel B’s sister, Danielle Brown, tweeted (and later deleted) out a dramatic plea to her sister’s American producer husband of 7 years Stephen Belafonte (no relation to Shari, thankfully). Danielle begged Stephen to tell her what’s going on with her sister, because her family didn’t know where Mel was. Danielle Brown threatened to EXPOSE Stephen Belafonte by releasing phone calls she recorded including one where he allegedly got verbally abusive. So the tabloids and people on Twitter did the math. They took Danielle Brown’s tweets, added that to the cuts and bruises on Mel B’s arms and guessed that Stephen Ike Turnered her. But Stephen’s sleazy Mr. Clean-looking ass denied it yesterday on Twitter.
Since St. Angie will be soaking in a calamine lotion bath until she finally gives in and uses her saintly powers to perform a miracle on herself and cure her chicken pox, someone had to go to the Unbroken premiere in Hollywood last night and represent the First Family of Heaven. I guess the twin messiahs were busy teaching the sun to shine brighter and that fierce HBIC in training Zahara couldn’t be bothered leaving the giant diamond she sleeps on, because St. Angie’s replacements were Brad Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and OG Maddox Jolie-Pitt. And they all dressed in matching suits! Well, all of them except for Brad, who decided to fuck a shirt and tie and went for the sleazy aging club promoter look with a wide-neck black t-shirt and gold chain instead. And what is with Brad and those damn sunglasses? Bitch, you ain’t Bono!
Personally, I think it’s adorable that St. Angie’s Lil’ Angels all wore matching suits. They look like at any moment, they’re going to leave the red carpet and take their golden chariot to the suburbs and spend the rest of the evening ringing people’s doorbells and asking them if they’ve accepted St. Angie as their skinny-armed lord and savior. Meanwhile, Brad looks like he’s about to bum $100 off Maddox so he can “split” and head for the Pink Taco on Sunset for some “taco nachos”. And no, that’s not a euphemism; he’s high as hell and wants $100 worth of shitty nachos.
Here’s more of The Heart Family of Heaven, as well as Brapi’s parents, and everyone else at the Unbroken premiere: