Night Crumbs

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

When George Clooney gave Amal Clooney a cookbook at a restaurant in NYC the other night, she said, “Are you expecting me to cook? I don’t cook!?” Of course she doesn’t cook, she is way too busy being a high-powered human rights lawyer and shaving the hair off of a gorilla’s taint to make a half shirt – Lainey Gossip 

Two things: Melanie Griffith’s face is snatched and her chichis looks magnificent – Egotastic! 

Gigi Hadid and her Dollar Tree Ken Doll of a man got naked for a towel ad or something - Drunken Stepfather

Going to Dr. Backdoor Farrah for your plastic surgery needs is like buying a latte from a place called The Bill Cosby Coffee Shop - Reality Tea 

Cry into your unpaid student loan bills, because Miles Teller wants you to know that he has them too and he can pay them off, but he’s not going to by choice – Celebitchy

Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor is Jesse Eisenberg with a shaved head, too much powder and black lipstick – The Superficial 

It took me a second to realize that Kelly Brook wasn’t putting dirty clothes in the washer at the laundromat - Hollywood  Tuna 

If you’re in the Santa Barbara area, beware of David Crosby and his jogger-smashing Tesla – WWTDD

HBO has shit canned Looking, but the good news for those of you who are hoping for another serving of Damian from Mean Girls’ dick, they’re wrapping the show up with a “special” – Towleroad

FYI: Hilary Duff still has Peekablue from She-Ra hair – Popoholic

Empire’s Boo Boo Kitty and Andre Lyon are probably doing it in real life – Jezebel

If you’re the kind of trick who really wants to see the ass on Jax from Vanderpump Rules, I’m sure you’ve already seen and fapped to these pictures, but just in case… – OMG Blog

Of course Twitter had a lot to say about Deadline’s moronic WHY WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE WHITE ACTORS  piece – Pajiba

The TimberBaby is still growing in Jessica Biel’s body – Popsugar

Downward Do-me – The Berry 

Kelly Osbourne says she will have to take out her ovaries like St. Angie Jolie one day – ICYDK

The emotionally stable Directioners have declared Zayn Malik’s fiancee the new Yoko Ono. Give yourself a pat on the taint if you called it. - Just Jared

Pic: Splash

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The Look Or Not The Look: RiRi’s Angry Birds Eyebrow Situation

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Two months after RiRi tossed that Kumbaya ass campfire song onto the Internet, she has Instagrammed a cover of her new single along with the note, “rihannaNOW.com #R8 #BBHMM #March26.” You might think the left side reads “The fuck are those Millhouse Van Houten brows?” in Braille, but Vulture says it reads “Bitch Better Have My Money” in Braille. That’s apparently the title of her single. Bitch better have good lawyers, because yes, AMG came up with that phrase, but I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris shamelessly trademarked since she says it every time she talks about one of her kids or grandkids. It’s true. Every time one of PMK’s friends asks her how so and so is, she says, “She’s good, but bitch betta have my money.” Every time.

AND THOSE BROWS!

They look like what FKA Twigs’ brows would look like if they ate Cara Delawhatever’s brows. Those brows are going to leave Sharpie stains on your screen. Those brows are Helga G. Pataki’s brows on Internet-bought Viagra. If in the 90s, Bert was forced to bust out of Sesame Street because he owed some dealers money and had to hide out on Staten Island where he disguised himself as a drag queen cholita biker hooker, this is what his mug shot would look like after he got arrested for solicitation.

So in other words, this is the look!

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Open Post: Hosted By Sarah Jessica Parker Throwing A Stanky Bitchface At Tom Hanks

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

On the eve of her 50th birthday, Sarah Jessica Parker took her son to a Rangers game in NYC where at one point she threw a disgusted fart face at Tom Hanks who was sitting in front of her. That’s pretty much the same face I made while watching Sex and the City 2. Roll that beautiful bean footage:

That grossed out face plus that serious gum chomping. She’s giving me “that moment when you realize your farmer switched out your regular hay for diet hay with an after taste.”

Either Tom Hanks dropped a serious ass burp or he’s loudly talking about his foot phobia or he said in a serious voice that he thinks his son Chet Haze is an asset to the music industry. Whatever the case may be, SJP got over it and did this:

sarahjessicatrangergame

It’s SJP’s birthday, so she can gum chop, throw a bitch glare and read a book at a hockey game if she wants to, I guess.

Pic: Getty (Thanks SE)

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The BBC Has Dumped Top Gear Host Jeremy Clarkson For Punching On A Member Of His Production Team

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

In the event you’re thinking “Who is this salt and pepper poppa working the hood of that car like an aspiring auto show slut?“, it’s the former host of the long-running BBC2 car show Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson. Former, because earlier today he was fired for going HAM and assaulting another Top Gear staffer named Oisin Tymon with his fists.

It all happened during a Top Gear shoot in North Yorkshire a little over two weeks ago. Jeremy Clarkson had apparently been hissing insults at Oisin Tymon all day, and eventually his mouth got tired, so his fists took over. Jeremy started raging out on Oisin until he was pulled off of him 30 seconds later. Witnesses say Oisin didn’t fight back, and when it was all over, he took himself to the emergency room.

Once the BBC found out about this mess, they put his ass on ice for 16 days. Despite 1 million signatures on a petition begging the BBC to bring him back, The Guardian says they chose to force Jeremy into early retirement. Luckily, there are two other Top Gear hosts (Richard Hammond and James May), so they don’t have to shut it down for good.

Jeremy hasn’t said much about this mess, but his Twitter bio currently reads: “I used to be a presenter on the BBC2 motoring show, Top Gear“, so that pretty much says it all.

Obviously this situation is 8 layers of WTF, but the question I really want answered is how the hell does a middle-aged dad type get that pissed off while surrounded by cars? Dads LOVE cars! I’ve been to a couple of car shows, and that shit is like Xanax for middle-aged dads.

Here’s more of Jeremy Clarkson leaving his house yesterday before he got the news he’d been “sacked”, as Marry Poppins would say:

Pics: Splash

I Guess Fran Lebowitz Has Never Seen Richard Simmons Before

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Social commentator and author Fran Lebowitz talked to Elle about the current state of style and the entire interview is hilarious. It’s like talking to your crabby auntie who wears the same white button down and black skirt to family reunions and sits in the corner nibbling on Royal Dansk cookies while making stank face. Fran thinks yoga pants are destroying women, believes ladies can learn from drag queens, thinks NYC is suffering from a mirror drought (because so many people are walking around looking a mess) and says that a man in shorts is one of the most terrifying things to happen to her eyes. Auntie Fran’s got some fightin’ words!

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A Rapper Named Skeme Claims That He Wrote “Fancy” For Iggy Azalea

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Ever since a Rappin’ Rockin’ Barbie doll came to life one day and began living as an Australian rapper named Iggy Azalea, there’s been a giant-ass (no pun intended) rumor that the words “Written by Iggy Azalea” are as false as her titties. In the beginning, most fingers were being pointed at Iggy’s mentor T.I., and to a lesser extent, a well-used copy of the PlayStation game PaRappa the Rapper. But now we have another name to add to the list, because a rapper named Skeme recently admitted that he wrote the song “Fancy“. Insert all your ‘Who dat? Who dat? F-A-K-E’ jokes here.

It all happened during an interview with Shade45′s Sway in the Morning during SXSW when Skeme (real name: Lonnie Kimble) was asked about his part-time career as a ghost writer. That’s when it was brought up that he recently ghost wrote a Grammy-nominated song. Skeme wouldn’t name names, so they started prodding him for hints. First they asked him to confirm if it was one of the most popular songs of 2014. Then if it was performed by a woman. Then if that woman is from overseas.

Eventually he was asked if her name rhymes with Wiggy, and I guess that’s when Skeme realized the jig was up, because he coyly admitted that the song was “Fancy” before making the claim that he “had something to do with it”. Skeme, however, did not write the hook; he says that credit belongs to the person who sung it, Charli XCX.

You can watch Skeme out himself as Iggy’s ghost writer below around the 2:27 mark:

Of course, he could be full of shit and lying about “Fancy” to cover up a much more embarrassing ghost writing credit for a much more embarrassing overseas singer, like Ariana Grande Latte (I believe Bratz dolls have a MADE IN TAIWAN stamp on their back). Who even knows. Although I do know we’ll never get the whole truth from Iggy herself; even if she tried to tell us, I doubt we’d able to understand a damn word she was saying.

Bradley Cooper Is Replacing Clint Eastwood As The Director Of The “A Star Is Born” Remake

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

My thoughts exactly, Clint, my thoughts exactly.

A Star Is Born has been remade approximately 587 times and none of the remakes have been terrible (side-eyeing your ass if you think the one with Kris Kristofferson’s luscious hair was trash), so of course Hollywood has decided to completely butcher it, dip its mutilated parts in warm vomit and leave it in the gutter for the maggots to feast on. For years, Hollywood has been talking about making another A Star Is Born. The plan was for Clint Eastwood to direct and for Razzie nominee Beyonce to play the Judy Garland/Barbra Streisand role. When our new messiah Blue Ivy Carter began gestating, Beyonce stepped back from the remake and Clint was supposedly talking to Esperanza Spalding about taking over. That went nowhere and then Clint checked out, because he wanted to focus on writing and directing a riveting and gripping biopic about that empty chair. (I WISH.)

The remake of A Star Is Born didn’t file itself under “Bullets We Dodged” when Clint walked away. It stayed alive and now Deadline says that Bradley Cooper, who was at one point in talks to star opposite Beyonce, is going to direct and act in it. This is how A MESS IS BORN.

According to Deadline, Warner Bros. is hoping B. Coop will make his directorial debut with this future mess and they also want him to star in it. Once B. Coop’s deal is done, they’re going to try to get Beyonce back on the project. B. Coop plans to get fully into this wreck after he finishes his run in The Elephant Man in London this summer.

On B. Coop’s IMDB page, he has zero solid directing credits, so it’s a great idea to let him direct a multi-million dollar feature film!

But seriously, you might be thinking to yourself “What could go wrong?” since B. Coop hasn’t really directed anything and Beyonce has the acting skills of a Styrofoam peanut. My response to that is: Nothing is going wrong and everything is going right, because I’ve been patiently waiting for a Glitter 2 and this could be it.

I just hope that Beyonce and B. Coop switch roles, because I’d pucker myself raw while watching his blue eyes twinkle as he crooned out his rendition of this:

We’re Now Living In A World Where That Zayn Dude Is Not In One Direction

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Yup, that heart tattoo above his Ken Doll crotch is now a broken heart tattoo.

After leaving the One Direction tour due to the stress caused by all the rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend by passing his peen to another in Thailand, Zayn Malik (whose name I can type without checking Google and yes, that worries me) has decided to leave the cushy position of getting paid millions and millions of dollars to sing songs in front of billions of screaming, crazy girls who would be devoted to him even if he murdered a village of kittens. Zayn is just not about that life. Zayn, One Direction and Simon Cowell left these messages on Facebook.

After five incredible years Zayn Malik has decided to leave One
Direction. Niall, Harry, Liam and Louis will continue as a four-piece and look forward to the forthcoming concerts of their world tour and
recording their fifth album, due to be released later this year.

Zayn says: “My life with One Direction has been more than I could ever have imagined. But, after five years, I feel like it is now the right time for me to leave the band. I’d like to apologise to the fans if I’ve let anyone down, but I have to do what feels right in my heart. I am leaving because I want to be a normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight. I know I have four friends for life in Louis, Liam, Harry and Niall. I know they will continue to be the best band in the world.”

One Direction say: “We’re really sad to see Zayn go, but we totally respect his decision and send him all our love for the future. The past five years have been beyond amazing, we’ve gone through so much together, so we will always be friends. The four of us will now continue. We’re looking forward to recording the new album and seeing all the fans on the next stage of the world tour.”

Simon Cowell says: “I would like to say thank you to Zayn for everything he has done for One Direction. Since I first met Zayn in 2010, I have grown very, very fond – and immensely proud – of him. I have seen him grow in confidence and I am truly sorry to see him leave. As for One Direction, fans can rest assured that Niall, Liam, Harry and Louis are hugely excited about the future of the band.”

Zayn Malik IS the Ginger Spice of One Direction. I know you can’t read this since your eyeballs are currently swimming in a sea of sad tears made by you, but if you want a quick injection of happiness, re-read Simon Cowell’s statement and picture his juicy nipples saying it.

Well, it’s been a good run, Internet. We’ve had fun making fun of fame whores and bonded over videos of cats doing nothing, but it’s look like our time has come to an end. We can survive a lot of things, but there’s no way Twitter timelines and the Internet as a whole will survive being drowned by the trillions of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs spilling out of the Directioners. The world will never be the same again. I’d pour out a tub of hair molding clay for Zayn, but that shit doesn’t pour out! Now I’ll leave you to make a “Where I Was When I Heard The News That Zayn Left 1D” video for you to watch in 2025 on the 10th anniversary of this tragic event.

Celine Dion Says Her Husband René Angélil Is Currently Not Doing So Well

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, this is enough for me to dive head-first into a tub of Grenache and attempt to eat away all the sad feelings I’m feeling. Legendary Canadian person and greatest singer in (chest thump) da world Celine Dion recently admitted during an interview with ABC News (via UsWeekly) that her husband René Angélil has to eat through a feeding tube due to his ongoing battle against throat cancer.

René was first diagnosed with cancer back in 1999 and had a tumor removed in 2013, but things are apparently not getting any better. Celine says the cancer is currently preventing him from being able to use his mouth or eat on his own, so she hand-feeds him three times a day. Celine added:

“We are taking life one day at a time, [but] we are choosing to live.”

Celine also said that she’s dedicating her upcoming show in Las Vegas to René:

“I’m doing it for him. I’m doing it for my fans. We have a ticket to live. We have a ticket to ride. We’re living, so live. Let’s go.”

Oh mon Dieu, this is all sorts of sad. Celine doesn’t deserve this! Celine should be spending her days singing at the top of her lungs in the bathroom of her choice, not worrying about feeding her husband. Even if you’re not a religious type, now is the time to grab your prayer candle and get lighting. Then again, we all know all the prayers in the world are nothing compared to the healing power of Celine’s French Canadian angel voice. Keep singing Celine!

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Chris Brown Wants His Baby Mama To Move So He Can Be Closer To His Kid

March 25, 2015 / Posted by:

TMZ says that recent father (and yes, typing that without also adding “and future deadbeat dad” took every ounce of my willpower) Chris Brown is trying to convince the mother of his 9-month-old daughter Royalty to move from her home in Houston, TX to Los Angeles so he can be closer to his kid. Chris’ original fatherhood plan was to fly back and forth between L.A. and Houston, but now he’s interested in seeing her every day. Sources say he recently offered to move his baby and baby mama Nia Guzman from Texas into a house in the Hollywood Hills at his expense.

They also say he’s trying to renegotiate that messy child support arrangement they have. Ever since Chris found out he was the DNA daddy of their baby, he began dumping a ton of cash into her checking account. Then he caught wind that she might be blabbing about him to the press, so he threatened to go to court. Now he’s apparently considering going back to their original arrangement of leaving the lawyers out of it if she moves closer to him. TMZ says Nia Guzman hasn’t decided if she and Royalty will move closer to the source of their royalty checks.

I had to hold my nose for the majority of this story, because something stinks. What’s with Chris Brown’s interest in being Danny fucking Tanner all of a sudden? Or maybe I’m just being a cynical bitch and he’s actually trying to do right for once.

I guess the only way we’ll know whether or not he’s serious about being a daddy is if he starts hanging out with Justin Bieber again. Putting in some practice hours with that grown-up toddler shows real commitment.

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