Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Bart, the cat who was hit by a car, declared dead, buried and five days later crawled out of his grave and went home to get fed. Zombie cat lives!

Over a week ago, Bart was hit by a car and knocked the hell out near his home in Tampa. Bart was pronounced dead and both Fox 13 and Fox 29 don’t say who pronounced him dead. If it was a vet, then I’m assuming that vet bought their degree for $5 off of the Internet and got their training from playing with the Barbie vet play set. Fox 13 (via People) says that Bart’s human Ellis Hutson was so upset about Bart’s death that he couldn’t dig a grave himself. So he asked a neighbor to dig a grave in his backyard. Ellis says he watched his neighbor bury his friend. Ellis figured that the angels took Bart to the great big Q-tip in the sky and began mourning him. But five days later, Bart rose from the dead and dug himself out of that grave. The potent fuckery that lives in the Florida air and all the meth in the soil probably brought Bart back to life.

Ellis’s neighbor found Bart pawing around her yard and meowing for food. Bart was taken to the Tampa Bay Humane Society where vets discovered that he was in a bad way. He had a broken jaw, a busted head and he lost sight in one eye. They told Ellis that the car accident knocked him out instead of killing him and when he came to a few days later, he got himself out of that grave. Ellis’ hotly-named neighbor Dusty Albritton believes that it’s a miracle and God brought him back to life. Bart is our new Jesus and we should worship him accordingly!

“The only thing I can think of is that this is God’s miracle. And I thought, why five days later? If Bart was alive before, he would have come to our homes earlier. All I can think of is that God created animal life on the fifth day.”

Ellis can’t afford to pay the $2,000 vet bill, so the Humane Society is going to cover it for him. It’s going to take at least six weeks, but Bart is expected to make a full recovery.

Pet Cemetery is REAL!

Ellis, Dusty Albritton, the driver of the car who hit Bart and the vet who declared Bart dead (if a vet declared Bart dead, which I don’t think one did) better join the Witness Protection Program and move out of state. Because Bart is back and he’s going to get revenge on those who wrote him off as dead. Actually, Bart is probably going to come after all us humans for doing him wrong. I always knew the zombie apocalypse would be led by a bad ass pussy from Florida.

FOX 13 News

(For Kelly and Justin L)

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Birthday Sluts

January 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Nick Carter (35)
Ariel Winter (17)
Will Poulter (22)
J. Cole (30)
Camila Alves (33)
Elijah Wood (34)
Sheamus (37)
Joey Fatone (38)
Rick Ross (39)
Kathryn Morris (46)
Mo Rocca (46)
DJ Muggs (47)
Sarah McLachlan (47)
Keith Hamilton Cobb (53)
Frank Darabont (56)
Nicolas Sarkozy (60)
Barbi Benton (65)
Alan Alda (79)

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Night Crumbs

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Presenting, Gloom and Doom at the Chanel couture show in Paris today. If you’re thinking that Kunty Karl looks more miserable and grumpy than usual, it’s because minutes before that picture was taken he put his lips up to Kristen Stewart’s mouth to suck her soul out and nothing came out! Ghoul is hungry – Lainey Gossip 

After Taylor Swift’s bellybutton shocked the Internet, it went back into hiding – Drunken Stepfather

Tom Sandoval’s supposed jump-off talks about having shitty period sex with him – Reality Tea

Screw Chris Pratt as Indiana Jones. Since they’re doing an all-female Ghostbusters, they should do an all-female Indiana Jones starring Kimmy GibblerThe Superficial

Rebel Wilson thinks that fat chicks do better in comedy and nobody really finds hot people funny. Um, she obviously doesn’t know of the most beautiful and funniest woman in the world Ann JillianJezebel

At the end of the rebooted Fantastic Four trailer when that guy says, “Get ready for what’s coming?” and Miles Teller say,  ”What is coming?” I thought the other guy was going to say, “I am cumming.” I’ve been watching a lot of porn, obviously – Towleroad

I don’t go to the gym, but if I did, the first picture would be me – The Berry

And here’s your minute-ly dose of Hilary Duff walking – Popoholic

What in Knott’s Berry Farm character costume HELL is Jason Momoa wearing? – Celebitchy

Netflix sticks the tip in by releasing a teaser trailer for the Wet Hot American Summer series – Pajiba

Pirate booty (and it’s not Johnny Depp’s) alert! - OMG Blog

Woman’s Day made Duchess Kate look like a strung out and stoned Meat LoafPopsugar

The low tide jokes write themselves. Right, Brandi Glanville? – Hollywood Tuna

Channing Tatum impersonated his kid taking a caca, because that’s something the world needed to see – HuffPo

Katie Holmes is going to be on Ray Donovan and here’s hoping that Abby Donovan unleashes a can of Irish crazy on her ass – ICYDK

Cindra Ladd becomes the 4,567,987,987th woman in the world to accuse Bill Cosby of rape  - Just Jared

FYI: Mandy Moore looked like a lost Brady as a kid – SOW

Pic: Getty

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The All-Female Ghostbusters Has A Cast

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Shiiiiiiiiit! Well, so much for my dream cast of Charo, Taraji P. Henson as Cookie Lyon, Phoebe Price and Detective La Toya Jackson.

During the past few months, we were told that the Ghostbusters reboot was going to star Jennifer Lawrence, then Emma Stone, then Rebel Wilson, then Lizzy Caplan, then Amy Schumer and then the girl at your local Starbucks who always write a heart over the i in your name. After months of rumors, director Paul Feig, who created Freaks & Geeks and did Bridesmaids, finally tweeted pictures of the actual cast today. The Hollywood Reporter confirms that Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon are very close to officially signing on to be the new Ghostbusters. You know Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig, and you also know Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon if you’re watching the current season of Saturday Night Live since they’re both on that shit.

THR says that this Ghostbusters is a reboot and not a continuation of the original. They’re not going to be the daughters of the first Ghostbusters or anything. In an e-mail from the Sony hack, Paul Feig told Sony’s Amy Pascal that he wants Peter Dinklage to play the villain. HitFlix also posted what may be a plot detail:

Erin Gabler and Abby Bergman are the first two leads, and as the film begins, they are former colleagues. They co-wrote a book about the paranormal together, then went in different directions. Erin works for Columbia, and she’s getting close to tenure, while Abby is more involved in the pursuit of ghosts, with a new partner named Jillian. In a world where there are thirty different “Ghost Hunters” style TV shows out there, the set-up makes sense, and it sets up a tension between serious academic motives and mainstream pop parapsychology.

If I was guessing, I’d bet Wiig is Erin, Jones is Abby, and McKinnon is Jillian. That’s because I’m almost positive Patty, an MTA subway ticket employee who stumbles across the main ghost in the film, is going to be McCarthy. Seems like a perfect fit for her, and I can see how all four of them will fit together as a team.

I cannot produce any feelings about a Ghostbusters reboot until I know two things:

1. Does Sigourney Weaver reprise her role as Dana/Zuul in it?

2. If Sigourney Weaver is in it, which one of those four ladies is she going to try to scissor with?

Open Post: Hosted By Johnny Depp’s Crisco-Covered Mop

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re ever out of lube and Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just rub your genitals all over his oily hair. If you’re abuelita wants to make some fried platanos and she’s all out of lard, but Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just tell her to rub her pan all over his manteca hair. If your car is out of oil and you don’t have any Penzoil, but Johnny Depp happens to be nearby, just put his head over the oil reservoir thing and wring his hair out. (Side note: Car engineers should really develop a car that runs on the grease that’s in Johnny Depp’s hair.) The grease in Johnny Depp’s hair has so many uses!

Even though Mortahoweveryouspellthatshit flopped hard here in the US, Johnny Depp and his caretaker Amber Heard were sent over to Tokyo to sell that mess in hopes that the studio can make some money off of that moustache’d turd. The people of Japan love horror movies, so they should market that shit as the most torturous 107 minutes of cinema ever. The premiere was in Tokyo tonight and Johnny waved at all of his fans while looking like a cross between a hobo Snape and KD Lang as the girl in The Grudge. I also threw in pictures of Johnny and Amber at the airport in Tokyo yesterday. She looks like an Amish nurse and he looks like the pilled-up recluse she was hired to take care of.

And you probably couldn’t read any of that because the grease in Johnny’s mop bled through your screen and you’re busy wiping that mess away with the thicker, quicker picker-upper.

Pics: Reuters, Wenn.com

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Some Sneaky Hacker Hacked Taylor Swift’s Twitter And Instagram Accounts While She Was On Vacation

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

While vintage postcard person Taylor Swift was on vacation in Hawaii with her current girl clique (the Haim girls), TMZ says some evil butterscotch-hating hacker types correctly guessed her password (livelovelaugh123) and hacked into her Twitter and Instagram accounts. Unfortunately, it appears this was their first celebrity social media hack and they didn’t realize you’re supposed to post pictures of dicks or tweet stuff like “@poofacts: My favorite sandwiches are hot doo doo sandwiches #yum“, because TMZ says the only damage they did was give a couple shout-outs to some fellow hacker types. Amateurs!

Taylor’s confirmed her shit got hacked by posting a message on her Tumblr saying that Twitter had locked her account and were in the process of changing her passwords. That’s when the hackers claimed to have nudie pictures of Tay Tay and were threatening to release them. Thankfully, the tech team at Twitter was able to get Tay Tay’s Twitter account back up so she could slap at the hackers and call BS on the existence of said nude pics:

Taylor Swift Hacker Tweet 1

Taylor Swift Hacker Tweet 2

However, the hackers did release several screenshots of alleged DMs between Tay Tay and some famous types, like Nick Jonas. Then again, the use of phrases like “Are we bad kids now?” and “You’re whalecome” make me think that it might just be the online correspondence of some random 13-year-old girl. Either way, I’m sure Tay Tay’s cat Detective Olivia Benson already has several suspects in custody and is in the process of interrogating them.

And does anyone know if Diplo has an alibi?

Pic: Instagram

Porn Star Mia Khalifa Has No Love For Wheelchair Jimmy And His Cringeworthy DMs

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

21-year-old Lebanese American porn performer Mia Khalifa is the most searched trick on PornHub, which is sort of surprising, because I’d guess that Carrot Top would own that title since I search his name on PornHub at least 300 times an hour hoping that one day a video worth fapping over will come up. Mia Khalifa’s claim to fame is getting boned in front of a camera while wearing a hijab. (“Mom, why didn’t YOU think of that?” – Kim Kardashian to Pimp Mama Kris) Mia talked about things with a Miami sports radio station (via ONTD) and no, they didn’t ask her how to perfectly achieve a manicured chola Groucho Marx eyebrow situation. But they did ask her if any famous dudes have ever tried to wet hump on her. Guess what? Some have. I know, finding out that famous dudes try to fuck on porn stars probably made your brain ooze out of your ear holes. It’s shocking. Mia said she wouldn’t name names, but then she pretty much named a name by saying one of the famous dudes who slipped a note into her DM box has a name that rhymes with “rake.” Yeah, it could be Jake the Snake or Drake Bell or Lake Bell or Blake Lively, but it’s obviously that thirsty bitch Wheelchair Jimmy.

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Lindsay Lohan Thinks She Can Get 15 Days Worth Of Community Service Completed By Wednesday

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.

So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.

According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.

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The Alien Lizard King Is Really Sorry For Referring To Black Actors As “Colored”

January 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I guess the Reptilian from Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet who trained him to talk and act like a modern day human before he came to Earth forgot to tell him that it’s probably not a good idea to refer to black people as “colored.” The alien lizard masquerading as a Posh British actor was on PBS’ The Tavis Smalley Show last week and they got into talking about diversity in Hollywood. B. Cums called black actors” colored” when talking about how there’s more roles in the US than in the UK for black actors. B. Cums’ great great great great great great great-granddaddy would be proud!

“I think as far as colored actors go, it gets really difficult in the U.K., and a lot of my friends have had more opportunities (in the U.S.) than in the U.K. and that’s something that needs to change.”

The clip is here if your ears need to hear it for themselves. Some people said that B. Cums should get a pass since he’s a privileged British person who was raised by privileged British people who still use outdated phrases from the old times, but many, many others including the UK-based organization Show Racism the Red Card slapped at his lizard slit of a mouth for saying that shit.

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