Johnny Depp’s Family Hated The Hell Out Of Amber Heard

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Hmmm, why did that plane just skywrite the words ‘Eat Shit And Die Trampber! Love Jhnnys Fmly’?

The planet nearly experienced a 12.8 earthquake yesterday when everyone’s jaws hit the floor out of shock after finding out that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s marriage is done after 15 months. Nobody saw that coming, because look at the heat between them in that picture. You can feel it! Or maybe that heat is from his humid swamp pits and her fiery hot invisible devil horns. Yeah, that must be it.

Several sources tell TMZ that the precious union that gave hope to the future of the sanctity of marriage ended up sliding into the sewer, because Johnny’s family hated Amber more than his butt corn teeth hate the tingling feeling of toothpaste. The sources say that Johnny’s teenage daughter, his teenage son, his two sisters and his mom Betty Sue Palmer never liked Amber and weren’t quiet about it. They openly talked about how Amber treated Johnny like trash.

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For Some Secret Reason, Blake Shelton Bought Miranda Lambert’s Boutique In Oklahoma

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Despite the fact that Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert have been over for almost a whole year and they’re both currently in relationships (some real, some possibly less real) with other people, they recently got together to exchange some keys and money. That sounds like the set up for a porno about a prostitute who works out of a valet stand, but that’s not what this is. People says that Miranda recently put the Oklahoma location of her boutique, The Pink Pistol, up for sale and it was bought by none other than her ex-husband.

Miranda opened The Pink Pistol, which isn’t a sex toy store (I checked), back in 2012 in Tishomingo, Oklahoma, where she and Blake lived. A year later, she decided to open another Pink Pistol store in Texas. Recently she decided to focus entirely on the Texas store, and she put the Oklahoma store up for sale. Blake, who still lives in Tishomingo, tells Entertainment Tonight:

“As a resident of Tishomingo I’m very sorry that the Pink Pistol has decided to move its operations out of the area. We all, as a community, appreciate everything it has done for our town. As for the actual properties left behind…I was offered the opportunity to buy them, and I have a plan brewing.”

When asked about why she was closing the Pink Pistol location in Oklahoma, Miranda explained that she wanted to “close a chapter” in her life and go back home to Texas. Basically, she don’t want to run into Blake on the main street no more.

As for what Blake “has brewing“, he hinted at his plans on Twitter. Sadly, it sounds like he isn’t planning on opening a footwear store with Gwen Stefani called Boots n’ Creepers Couple’s Shoe-tique.

Hmmmm, I wonder what Blake has planned? Gosh, I wish he’d stop beering so vague. All jokes aside, I hope that Blake pays homage to his love of beer and names his brewery The Wet Mailbox.

Pic: Wenn.com

Screech Is Back In Jail Again

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

A little more than a month after being released early from jail for good behavior, Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from Saved By The Bell, is back in again. The fuck-up is truly strong with this one. Page Six says that Screech was arrested in Wisconsin on Wednesday after violating the terms of his parole.

An official wouldn’t say how he violated the terms. Maybe he showed the terms a clip of his sex tape? But they did confirm that he was in custody due to a probation whoopsie. Screech was put away for pulling a switchblade on a guy in a bar and stabbing him, so the obvious guess would be that his probation officer caught within 100 feet of a bar or a switchblade or the guy or something. However, sources tells TMZ that Screech’s arrest is drug related. Goddamn it, Screech, didn’t you learn anything from that PSA you made with Brandon Tartikoff? There’s no hope with dope!

I know that Dustin Diamond is like a moth to a forever fucking up flame, but damn if he didn’t go back to jail sooner than I expected. It’s barely been six weeks. Not to mention that only last week he was on Extra telling Mario Lopez that he wanted to put the “tomfoolery and malarkey” behind him and focus on starting a family. Maybe he missed jail too much and wanted to go back. But why? Who misses being in jail? Were Screech and his fellow inmates keeping themselves entertained by acting out old episodes of Saved by the Bell, and his early release fucked up the production schedule? “Look, I need to get back inside. They’re doing the fake IDs episode next week, and I’m the only one who knows the blocking for the scene at The Attic!

Pic: Ozaukee County Sheriff’s Office

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Squand!

Squand sounds like the original name for Squidward on SpongeBob Squarepants, but executives at Nickelodeon made them change the name, because to them it sounded like a vagina infection a chick gets from fucking on the beach or like the name of a homemade drug made from squirrel piss and Band-Aid glue. But Squand is actually a craft-toy-thing that was born sometime in the early-to-mid 90s and is still around.

By the 90s, many of the ideas for fucked up toys were already thought up and produced, but someone squeezed out another. Squand is sand that becomes sculptable clay in water. You can make your own Atlantis with it. It’s supposed to magically turn back into sand when you pull it out of the water, but it was mostly just a clump of messiness. Most people don’t just have an empty aquarium (or as my gourmet idol Sandra Lee calls it, “uh-kwar-ee-um.”) lying around, so most kids probably played with this crap in the bathtub. Cleaning that up must’ve been loads of fun for parents.

That bootleg Bill Nye and that Pugsley kid act like they snorted Squand instead of played with it. Hmmm… I guess there’s a good use for Squand after all.

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Birthday Sluts

May 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Helena Bonham Carter (50)
Brandy Cyrus (29)
Scott Disick (33)
Henry Holland (33)
Ashley Massaro (37)
Jaheim (38)
Lauryn Hill (41)
Selenis Leyva (44)
Matt Stone (45)
Kylie Ireland (46)
Lenny Kravitz (52)
Genie Francis (54)
Bobcat Goldthwait (54)
Tarsem Singh (55)
Doug Hutchison (56)
Margaret Colin (58)
Marian Gold of Alphaville (62)
Pam Grier (67)
Philip Michael Thomas (67)
Hank Williams, Jr. (67)
Stevie Nicks (68)

Pic: British Vogue

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Night Crumbs

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Anne Hathaway and James Corden got into a rap battle on his show. After watching it, I’m surprised that every major rapper didn’t immediately post their resignation letter from the game on Instagram before going to the nearest Starbucks to ask if they’re hiring. Because Anne brings it that hard – Lainey Gossip 

Sharon Osbourne thought Kelly Osbourne tweeting out her daddy’s side piece’s phone number was hilarious! Of course she did. I’m sure she was there when Kelly did it and afterward they toilet papered and egged that hussy whore’s house! – Celebitchy

Theresa Giudice’s bankruptcy case has been re-opened, but she’s not about to book another jail house photo shoot with InTouch, because she’s not in any trouble this time – Reality Tea 

RiRi’s new sunglasses for Dior look like Blue Blockers for rich space robots – Drunken Stepfather

Looking at Chloe Grace Moretz’s camel toe is something I did today – The Superficial

The hookers of Rosarito Beach, Mexico better stock up on PrEP and lots of condoms, because Charlie Sheen is apparently moving there – WWTDD

Brad Paisley yodeled about North Carolina’s transgender bathroom law – Towleroad

Carmen Electra looks hot and I’m not going to ruin my compliment by saying that her thirsty weave needs some Gatorade – Hollywood Tuna

Hot Topic’s Alice Through The Looking Glass clothing line looks exactly the way you’d think it looks – Pajiba

Leslie Jones worked as a Scientology telemarketer for a bit. There’s a part of me that wishes she would’ve joined those crazies and became Tom Cruise’s contract wife, because I know she’d bring them down from the inside! – Jezebel

Gigi Hadid walked and touched her hat at the same time. What did YOU do today? – Popoholic

Gwen Stefani probably would’ve looked better with just tinted moisturizer and Chapstick – OMG Blog

Blake Shelton ate sushi for the first time. Too easy – SOW

Who cares about Duchess Kate? Tell me more about that hot sailing dude – Popsugar

That chick that one sports announcer creamed over had a baby – IDLYITW

Not Just Another Caucasian Male, an upcoming Paul Walker biography by Michelle RodriguezHuffPo

Jennifer Aniston’s mother has died – Just Jared

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Amber Heard And Johnny Depp Are Over (UPDATE)

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Dramatically throw a black lace mourning scarf around your neck, because Amber Heard is done with being married to Johnny Depp after only 15 months. TMZ says that Amber filed papers on Monday to legally quit Johnny’s ass, and she did it just days after his mom died. January Jones is about to pass her ice cold queen crown to Amber Heard.

Entertainment Tonight says that Johnny’s mother, Betty Sue Palmer, died on May 20 in Los Angeles after being sick for a while. She was 81. Johnny and his mom were apparently really close. TMZ says that in the divorce documents Amber filed, she lists May 22 as the day they broke up for good. Amber says that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to become Johnny Depp’s second ex-wife.

Like most of us, Johnny must have thought that this blessed union with Amber was going to last until eternity, because they didn’t sign a prenup. Amber wants spousal support, because duh. If you married someone who brings in millions of dollars yearly and they didn’t make you sign a prenup, you have to try to get a piece of the pie or you won’t be able to leave your house without getting covered in spit from other gold diggers who are sickened by you.

Because of the whole “no prenup” thing and the rumors about how their marriage was eating shit only six seconds after it began, this could get messier than the dental bib that Johnny wears during his visit to the dentist every 15 years. (UPDATE: TMZ says that Johnny has already filed his response and wants the court to trash Amber’s spousal support request.)

It must have been a really hard decision for Amber to make, because now that she’s not with Johnny Depp, she’s going to get less chances to throw down her pose game in front of a sea photographers at events. But then again, she’s a part of DC now and every one of those movies will have at least 50 premieres, so she’ll be fine. And really, after Amber and Johnny made that masterpiece hostage video together, she probably figured that their marriage had peaked and they’d never create anything as magnificent as that together again.

The good news for Johnny is that now he, his true soulmate Barnaby Joyce and Boo & Pistol can be one big happy family, at last.

Pic: TMZ

Open Post: Hosted By The Beloved Regal Cinemas Roller Coaster Of Movie Theater Dreams

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

This Open Post is a tribute to the artist who took many of us on a delicious journey through a movie theater concession stand dreamland in the 90s and beyond. John McLaughlin was a visual effects artist who worked on several movies like Kung Fu Panda, Kung Fu Panda 2, Kung Fu Panda 3 and Shark Tale. But before he worked on the movies that your kids probably make you watch 45 times a day (after you’ve watched Frozen 65 times, of course), he created the roller coaster animation that played before every movie at every Regal Cinema.

John died on May 12th at the young age of 46. In his obituary in The Oregonian (via Mashable), it says that the Regal Cinema roller coaster animation was a personal project and one of his favorites:

One of John’s favorite personal projects that he created was the Regal Cinemas preview trailer featuring a roller coaster in space speeding between soda, candy and popcorn that played before each and every movie.

There’s been 4 updated versions of the dizzy-inducing roller coaster, including the latest one which is all Tron-like. It has NOTHING on the original. Hell, sometimes the Regal Cinema roller coaster ride was better than the movie itself.

Thank you, John, for bringing people so much joy, and I know it did, because there’d always be at least one person who raised their arms and screamed, “aaaaaaaah,” during the drops.

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Liam Gallagher Still Has A Very Healthy Relationship With His Brother

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

If I know anything about Liam and Noel Gallagher, it’s that the only thing they hate more than Adele and popular music is each other. Now, there are two ways to keep the fires of a feud burning. You can pull a Mariah Carey and softly fan the hot coals of hate by continually refusing to acknowledge said person you’re feuding with. Or you can do like Liam Gallagher did recently and dump an entire can of gasoline on it.

This all happened on Twitter, which makes sense, since Twitter is basically the internet’s unsupervised fire pit. The Independent isn’t sure what set Liam off, but they think it might have had something to do with some positive comments Noel received during a recent Gigwise interview about his upcoming third solo album. Because he’s such a sweet, supportive younger brother, Liam decided to congratulate Noel by coming hard for him and his producer David Holmes. David was dragged into this mess, because he was responsible for the nice words, which included calling Noel’s new album “fun.” Liam opened with a slap at David for being a “YES man“, then proceeded to shit all over Noel and compare him to a ground-dwelling vegetable.

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