I went to Oregon for the first time late last year, and I was sad the entire state wasn’t built around a 1,000-foot bronze statue of Tonya Harding. What a missed opportunity. It’s a pretty state, but a new commercial from Oregon’s official tourism body dropped a video that is “based on actual events. More or less.” More like based on the crack-fueled dreams of a graphic designer! I guess Tiffany Haddish took that Louisiana swamp kush and popped over to the Pacific Northwest to make a cartoon, y’all!
To be fair, I was drunk on Wilamette Valley Pinot Noir 97% of my visit to Portland and the surrounding wine region, so there may have been the giant ass rabbit seen at the 20-second mark flopping through a field of flowers. We’ll never know. Damn you, red wine blackout. Hayao Miyazaki must be taking a break from anime to drum up visitors to Portlandia because this acid trip of a video seems like it might be one of his pieces of Oscar bait.
The rest of the ad includes farting clouds, loons serving wine on a hot air balloon, and an asteroid that crashes into Crater Lake just to do a quick lap and not miraculously cause Armageddon. Silly, cartoonist. That only happens in Brooklyn. At an underground circuit party. After 3am. Or so I’ve heard. The commercial plays out like a prolonged round of Pokemon Go, and I’m sure Washington and California are both pissed over the tourist money they’re going to lose to Oregon. Who wants to slum it at Disneyland or Starbucks HQ when you can go frolic with Charizard at Mt. Hood?
While Brad Pitt is allegedly celibate, Angelina Jolie is rumored to be dating again. So forget what you’ve heard about Angelina spending her Friday nights alone with a crossword puzzle and a glass of wine. According to Radar, Angelina has her eyes locked on Garrett Hedlund.
THE QUEEN loves to guzzle down the sweet nectar, so I figured that she spent many a night bonding with her ginger grandson by doing shots of the good stuff in between crank calling Camilla and gently putting Prince Philip’s hand in warm water after he passes out on a pile of Corgis in the corner of the throne room. So I always figured that Prince Hot Ginge was the ginger apple of THE QUEEN’s eye, and it was 100% confirmed this morning when her official announcement of consent was released.
Jamie Spears is good for more than cheesy grits. Britney Spears and ex-husband Kevin Federline are locked in a fight for revised child support payments. Kevin’s legal team says they struck a deal back when Britney was known more for shearing her head than taking to the stage. Now that she rules Las Vegas, they want more money. The whole mess is apparently stressing out our little Brit Brit, so she’s telling her dad to sort shit out…just like business is settled down in the bayou! Continue reading
As Billy Ocean so eloquently reminds us, when the going gets tough, the tough get on a plane headed to the farthest possible destination. Page Six claims that that’s just what Matt Damon might be doing in #thesetryingtimes; getting the hell out of Dodge and moving his family to Australia. Apparently, Matt’s just bought some property next door to Thor (earth name: Chris Hemsworth) in Byron Bay, New South Wales in order to get some distance between him and the super villain Trump The Terrible.
If there’s one thing Scientologists hate more than quack psychologists, it’s lunatic physicists with their science and logic backed hypothesis about the universe. As anyone who’s bothered to learn the truth about space things and such can tell you, Stephen Hawking was out of his goddamn mind. It’s no wonder the inimitable mind of Kirstie Alley felt the need to take the foolish little man down a peg with a eulogy befitting the charlatan who wouldn’t know a thetan if it hit him between the eyes.