We all know that Kanye West has a lukewarm puddle of soggy delusion for a brain (it was a wedding present from his mother-in-law as a way to help him fit-in with the rest of the family), so this story should surprise no one. The Daily Mail says that during a performance in Sydney, Australia on Friday night, Kim’s Kurrent Husband told the audience to stand up and dance and threw a tempter-tantrum when he noticed that some people weren’t obeying King Kanye. HOW DARE THEY! DON’T THEY KNOW HOW IMPORTANT KANYE WEST IS??
Concertgoers claim that Kanye got all kunty when realized there might still be one or two people in the audience who hadn’t stood up, so he stopped the music and announced:
“I can’t do this song, I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that”
Sure enough, he located one of the seated persons and demanded to know why they weren’t standing up and worshiping at the altar of Yeezus, to which they held up a prosthetic leg as proof that they weren’t able to stand, a reason Kanye deemed an acceptable excuse. Then he managed to locate the other person in the audience who was still seated and insisted that they get their ass out of their seat and dance, GODDAMN IT. But they remained seated BECAUSE THEY WERE IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR.
Every morning when I wake up, I pray to Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, Bea Arthur and all of the other Gods to please gift the world with a new Pia Zadora story. But I want them to gift us with a GOOD story about Pia Zadora like how she realized she made a terrible mistake by getting GLOW (Glamorous Ladies Of Wrestling) canceled and is righting that wrong by bringing it back. Or a story about how Hollywood has realized that Hollywood needs more Pia Zadora and has greenlit a gigantic-budget sequel to The Lonely Lady. Pia Zadora is in the news again but it’s not for something good. Damn you, Gods!
The Las Vegas Sun says that America’s most underrated jewel of pure glamour is laid up in ICU at University Medical Center in Las Vegas with a head injury and a compound fracture of her right ankle. Pia’s husband Mike Jeffries says that she had bleeding on her brain and she’s been in and out of consciousness, but she’s doing better. Mike says that Pia was left in a bad way after falling out of a golf cart near her home in Summerlin, NV on Thursday evening. Pia was thrown from a golf cart driven by her 17-year-old son Jordan as he made a sharp left turn.
Jordan has been arrested and the cops have destroyed the golf cart, burned it and its ashes are currently lying in a pile on Pia’s driveway for people to stop by and spit on it for playing a huge part in this sad event. No, none of that happened, but it should happen.
Pia was in the news last year when she got arrested for allegedly choking Jordan and scratching her stepson’s face during a messy fight. And now she’s in the ICU because Jordan made a sharp left turn. Hmmm, I hope the FBI has dispatched Detective La Toya to Summerlin, NV, because she really needs to get to the bottom of this.
Pia was supposed to perform at Piero’s Italian Restaurant this weekend, but that show’s been canceled, obviously.
I will spend my entire Saturday praying in front of my Pia Zadora saint candle while listening to her entire discography. Pia needs to be one hundred percent again so she can keep serving up hotness like this:
The Dancing Twins from Ally McBeal!
The psychological TV drama Ally McBeal (about a mentally disturbed Boston woman whose parents fed her loads and loads of LSD as a child which caused her to live in a permanent acid flashback) delivered many memorable bitches like that terrifying Dancing Baby, the original elusive chanteuse Vonda Shepard and Ally’s sheep cloud pajamas. The tattered, half-broken shoe box I call a brain remembers many Ally McBeal characters, but I totally forgot about The Dancing Twins until Dlisted reader Guillermo sent me an email about them. The Dancing Twins would show up at the club where the easy listening Taylor Dane (aka Vonda Shepard) sang and they’d dance with Ally and Renee. The Dancing Twins were a double dose of Ecstasy and they’d take everyone higher by busting out hot moves in unison while dressed up like an episode of Three’s Company drooled all over them. They were played by Eric and Steve Cohen.
Surprisingly, dozens of unauthorized biographies about The Dancing Twins haven’t been written, so there’s not much information about them. I did come across this important bio (which was totally not written by them):
Although not a part of the primary cast the dancing twins have seemed to gain a lot of popularity with the viewers, so I thought I would do the bio on them this week. You gotta love those twins!! Eric & Steve Cohen are multi-skilled entertainers! With their BA’s from Stanford University, they could have gone on to do anything, but fortunately for us, they decided to come to Hollywood and share their talents. They are best known as The Dancing Twins on Ally McBeal. They choreograph all their hot moves, which include the “Funky Chicken”, “Robocop”, and “The Train”. They have also been recognized for their juggling skills, and can be seen juggling in such films as “Batman Forever”, “Batman and Robin”, and the upcoming “Baby Geniuses”, and on the television shows “Seinfeld”, “Mad About You”, and “Baywatch”. Besides dancing and professional juggling, their other skills include: unicycle, ping pong, accordion, chess, balloon animals, crossword puzzles, typing 101 words per minute, pinball, piano, body building, plate spinning, and darts.
Fuck Ethan and Joel Coen. Eric and Steve Cohen are the ONLY brothers in Hollywood whose last name begins with CO that matter!
Here’s a piece from Hard Copy (never forget Terry Murphy) about them:
I don’t know what they’re doing now, but I do know that it’s a sad fact that they’re not judges on Dancing with the Stars.
Fiona Apple (37)
Niall Horan (21)
Ben Savage (34)
Swizz Beatz (36)
Puma Swede (39)
Stella McCartney (43)
Tyler Perry (45)
Michelle Duggar (48)
Annie Duke (49)
Jeff Ross (49)
Dave Mustaine (53)
Geri Jewell (58)
Iyanla Vanzant (61)
Randy Jones (62)
Jean Smart (63)
Frank Marshall (68)
Jacqueline Bisset (70)
Peter Cetera (70)
Joe E. Tata (78)
Chris Pratt tweeted this vintage headshot of him giving beach hair and come hither sexiness. He must’ve graduated at the top of his class at Barbizon – Towleroad
Meet me at Danesfield House Hotel on October 25th at 8pm. We’re totally going to crash George Clooney’s wedding party and steal Brad Pitt’s stash from his jacket pocket before raiding the open bar – Lainey Gossip
Julianne Hough’s chest looks like bee origami – Drunken Stepfather
Goopy Paltrow likes to get kinky and dirty with her Glee dude and that probably means she likes to screw him on sheets that aren’t 1800 thread count. Real dirty. Real kinky. – Celebitchy
Frenchy from Rock of Love did a bikini photo shoot in the woods for Vogue Appalachia – WWTDD
In other words, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills script writers didn’t write a scene where Brandi Glanville punches Kim Richards – Reality Tea
Alert: Olive Garden actually cooks its pasta in water and not in the microwave like we all thought – Gawker
Even ass sucker extraordinaire Giuliana Rancic can’t stand Ariana Grande Latte – The Superficial
Dear Sofia Vergara, Peg Bundy called and she said you can keep her outfit because she just realized how tacky it is – Popoholic
So is someone going to tell Alessandra Ambrosia Salad that she forgot to wear pants? - Hollywood Tuna
Apparently Kid is apparently a thing now – The Berry
Nicole Kidman’s father passed away in Singapore – ICYDK
Madge’s next album will terrorize us sometime next year – Boy Culture
Michael Che replaced Cecily Strong on SNL’s Weekend Update, but for some reason Colin Jost is still an anchor – HuffPo
Ryan Reynolds wore way too many clothes to TIFF – Popsugar
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off again relationship is officially on again. But I’m sure it’ll be off again as soon as I hit the publish button - Just Jared
Scott Lowell should’ve answered that question by saying, “Not only American men. I also had to beat off a few Russians, some Brits, a couple of Chinese guys...” – SOW
That is the traumatized look of an adorable cotton ball who knows that he’s probably going to be crotch crab food soon…
TMZ says that Paris Hilton spent a piece of the money she makes from pressing an iPod play button on an adorable ball of white fluff that is smaller than the flecks of dandruff that cling to the base of her parched weave. Wonks bought the microscopic Pomeranian from Betty’s Teacup Yorkies and he may be tiny as shit but his price tag isn’t. Betty’s Teacup Yorkies got him from a breeder in Calgary who claims that he’s the world’s smallest Pomeranian which is why he’s $13,000. He weighs 11.6 ounces and is 2.5 inches tall. That’s approximately ten times bigger than Wonky’s brain. I’m joking! Like she has a brain.
Wonks introduced her new 5-month-old living and breathing purse accessory on Instagram yesterday. TMZ says she’s named him Mr. Amazing. Bitch should’ve named the poor creature Travolta since he’s going to spend most of his time in the closet with her other dogs.
That fluffy gerbil of a thing (“Call up Paris Hilton and ask her if she’d like to have a playdate..” – Richard Gere to his assistant) does bring out the awwwwws in me and I’m almost tempted to follow her stupid ass on Instagram, but not even an adorable micro pooch can get me to do that. He kind of looks like an all-white mogwai. I was going to say that somebody should feed Mr. Amazing after midnight and then throw him at Wonky, but please. Wonky’s cooch can destroy a gremlin just by burping on it.
Here’s a couple more pictures of Mr. Amazing as well as pictures of Mr. Amazing’s human at an OK! Magazine party in NYC two nights ago.
Sad news for those of you who were looking forward to another four beautiful years of watching the human crack rock in Dollarama Chris Farley drag stumble around like a giant vodka-chugging drug-smoking baby. The Globe and Mail says that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has withdrawn from the mayoral race. The grown-up garbage pail kid is currently laid-up in the hospital with an abdominal tumor (aka a 10lb crack rock that got stuck on a piece of ham in his lower intestine) but he released a statement saying that he’s no longer pursuing re-election, however he’ll still be running for a seat in city council. He also said he’s giving his place in the mayoral race to his brother Doug Ford, a dude who looks like the definition of a shady tip-stealing strip club owner.
This all comes literally 3 days after convicted rapist and visual representation of bad decisions, Mike Tyson, publicly endorsed Rob Ford in his run for re-election. You know, before he lost his shit on live TV and called a reporter a ‘rat piece of shit’. “Ooh, that’s a good one! I’ll have to remember that for the next time I go on a crackie rant!” – Rob Ford.
So there you have it; the little drug-fueled engine that could barely is pulling into the station for good. I feel like now is a good time for someone to make an ‘In Memoriam’ video featuring a slow-motion montage of the human ball of sweat’s greatest moments as mayor set to the song “Gold in Them Hills“. Rob Ford running into a news camera. Rob Ford running into a fire hydrant. Rob Ford running through city hall and knocking over an elderly council member. Rob Ford trying to run on a football field and falling on his ass. There’s just so much footage to pick from. He’s like a one-man America’s Funniest Home Video segment.
And is it just me, or does it look like Mayor McCheese has lost a little bit of weight? Maybe someone’s cut off his food supply at home.
She probably just found out that Jennifer Lawrence is dating both John Mayer AND Chris Martin and it drove her over the edge….
Whenever you see a screen shot of a video starring a blonde rod of range in a tank top throwing two fuck yous in front of a palm tree, you shrug and say to yourself, “Oh, Florida.” But surprisingly enough, this mess didn’t go down in Florida. It happened all the way in Honolulu, Hawaii. Ryan Arakaki, the dude who shot the video, writes in the YouTube description that he was driving behind this Minivan Mom and she kept looking down at what he thinks was her phone. She had a bunch of space in front of her, so he switched lanes and got in front of her. Some moms have a throbbing ball of sheer rage living in their bodies and they’re just waiting for some trick to screw with them so they can let it out. So when Ryan cut her off, she brought out the rage and ear punched him with a string of curse words.
Ryan writes that she rode his ass hard and at one point she switched into the lane next to him and tried to run him off the road. Sarah Palin’s Hawaiian cousin pulled up next to him and turned the inside of her minivan into a classroom at Road Rage Elementary by teaching the poor kid next to her how to properly overreact and go insane on a driver. I believe the children are our future and I believe we owe it to them to teach them useful words like ASS-HOLE. This crazy mom agrees with me, obviously. Ryan says that he eventually drove into the parking lot of a shopping center. Dude should’ve driven into the parking lot of a weed dispensary, because angry mom definitely needed a dose of the good shit. After he drove into the parking, angry minivan mom jumped out, got in his face, called him a “fat boy” and threatened to “fuck him up.”
If Lifetime did a reboot of Falling Down for the minivan-driving set, that video would be its trailer.
After the video went viral, the NOT THE ONE minivan mom told KITV4 that she doesn’t regret bringing the crazy on him, but she does regret spitting out a bunch of fuck words.
Lena Dunham (seen here serving up some flawless Canary Yellow drunk at the Rainbow Land prom realness) recently admitted to O Magazine (via Page Six) that just like you and I, she’s totally obsessed with reading online celebrity gossip and loves knowing who’s fucking who and who’s a coked-up life mess and who showed up to the Emmy Awards looking like an expensive Sweet 16 cake melting in slow motion. Except unlike you and I (mostly me, since the part of my brain that dispenses fucks broke down a long time ago) she sort of feels guilty about contributing to a culture that drags out-of-touch $900 sweater-hustling snobs and stupid spoiled fame whores for being out-of-touch $900 sweater-hustling snobs and stupid spoiled fame whores:
“I know that by reading them I’m supporting an industry that hurts people who are making art and putting themselves on the line. Still, all I want to know is who is breaking up with whom and who might be pregnant.”
I sort of agree with Lena. It must be so hard for an ~artiste~ like Goopy Paltrow to create something as important and inspiring as a tutorial on how to make a bed without being afraid that uncultured dum-dum haters online won’t “get it” and tear it to shreds. Or Taylor Swift, who just wants to write sincere heartfelt songs about cunty back-stabbing mean girls without people online picking her apart for being a dramatic rumor-spreading bitch-in-butterscotch clothing. Or Kim Kardashian, who just wants to be a no-talent narcoleptic-faced fame-humping failed porn star hooker without assholes like me calling her out online for being a useless piece of trash. How rude!
I know Lena Dunham thinks it’s shitty to throw online shade at celebrities, but really, I bet if I asked her to name the last 3 pieces of “art” a gossip staple like Lindsay Lohan has made, she’d be like “Uh…well…okay, you got me there.“
Every J. Jill-wearing, Dodge Caravan-driving, Army Wives-watching, 40-something mom who puts on Coldplay when she really wants to rock out and puts on John Mayer when she wants to feel the flutters down below IS so jealous of Jennifer Lawrence right now. They just want to drop their Walmart plastic cup full of boxed pink wine and curse that bitch’s name. Because not only are John Mayer and Chris Martin battling for the title of “the most played singer in a gynecologist’s waiting room,” but they’re also battling it out for Jennifer Lawrence’s heart. Tonight, moms will take to the streets and burn their kids’ DVD copies of The Hunger Games!
A source tells Hollywood Life (I know, I know) that John Mayer’s David Duke dick has had a hard-on for Jennifer Lawrence for a while and he doesn’t care if she’s currently bumping wet parts with Goopy’s leftovers. He’s trying to do whatever it takes for her to make him her full-time piece. Apparently, Jennifer Lawrence is open to the idea of John Mayer anointing her twat an official member of the KKK by tapping it with his dick, because she had dinner with him last month.
“John is determined to win Jennifer’s heart. They had a late dinner together at Cecconi’s in West Hollywood on Aug. 29. Chris who? That’s how John feels. It’s not like she’s wearing a ring on her finger and John will continue to try and woo her until she does. He’s not in the least bit set back by the fact that Jennifer’s been out on multiple dates with Chris.”
I’ll only believe this one if we find out that John Mayer’s dick completed Rosetta Stone’s British accent course and can do a totally passable cockney accent. Because I thought Jennifer Lawrence only did British dudes.
E! News says that Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin’s relationship is moving along and the two held hands and “canoodled” while hanging out with his friends at Chateau Marmont last night:
“They seem very comfortable in each other’s company—and happy! It doesn’t seem like it’s a new relationship. They seem super affectionate and at ease with each other. [They] were the center of attention…They seem super cute together.”
If Hollywood Life is spitting out the truth, then Jennifer Lawrence has a really, really hard decision to make. Does she want to become the CDC’s newest sweetheart by regularly screwing on human gonorrhea strain John Mayer or does she want her chochoa to slip into a coma from regularly doing Chris Martin. Decisions…. decisions…