Today In “Because Of Course,” James Franco Will Direct A Movie Version Of That Twitter Stripper Saga
If you were on the Internet at least once last October, you most likely filled your brain with the 148-tweet saga of Hooters girl/stripper Zola (real name: Aziah Wells) who went on a ho trip to Florida that ended in pimp-on-pimp murder. Zola’s Florida tale of ho’ing gone wrong went so damn wide that not too long ago I saw someone at a restaurant wearing a “HOEISM” t-shirt. Before everyone read Zola’s ho shit saga in October, she tweeted the story twice but deleted it. She wanted it to get more attention so she tweeted it a third time in October, and added some fake shit for dramatic effect (the pimp shooting someone, Jarrett trying to kill himself, etc) and tried to tell it in a funny way. Bitch got her wish, because it touched a million pairs of eyeballs and now it’s being turned into a movie.
Back in November, Rolling Stone went to Detroit to meet Zola and get the real story behind the night where she and “this white bitch” Jessica went to Florida to make some extra money stripping but ended up in all sorts of fucked-up situations. (“Pfft, that sounds like a slow night in Florida,” said every trick who lives in Florida) Zola told Rolling Stone that besides the murder and suicide stuff, most of it was true. Jessica did have a crazy pimp and ended up hooking. However, Jessica told Rolling Stone that a lot of it was made up and Zola was the one who sold her pussy to johns. Rolling Stone’s article titled “Zola Tells All: The Real Story Behind The Greatest Stripper Saga Ever Tweeted” will be adapted into a movie, and of course, James Franco is directing and starring it. Deadline says that writers Andrew Neel and Mike Roberts will write the script. No word if Zola is involved at all, but she did tweet the news.
If you listen really closely, you can hear a million people screaming, “I called it,” at once, because everyone called this. Everyone with a brain who read Zola’s story just knew that James Franco was going to find away to get involved. And we all know how this is going to go. James Franco is going to play the pimp, Vanessa Hudgens is going to play Zola, Ashley Benson is going to play Jessica and they’re going to call it Spring Breakers 2: Vibing Over Hoeism.
The year 2000 and the year 2007 has crashed together in a meth-induced haze and produced 2016’s greatest new IT couple: Aaron Carter and Chris Crocker!
Hilary Duff no longer has to worry about walking into her bathroom and finding her ex-stalker Aaron Carter making out with her toilet seat or spooning with the towel she used that morning while wearing her dirty panties like a face mask, because he has found himself a much hotter and sexier piece. The “LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOONE“ twink turned (that link is very NSFW —–>) power top porn star Chris Crocker posted this precious picture on Instagram of him cuddling up to his new boo Aaron Carter. Chrissy Crocker added this sugar-coated gumdrop to the pic:
Aaron found his candy
This totally genuine and real union probably started blooming right after Chrissy Crocker made a “LEAVE AARON CARTER ALOOOONE” video because the haters came for his man for refusing to do one of the only songs of his people know. Yes, they’re obviously faking this for Instagram likes, but I’m still going to choose to believe that their A-list love is for real and they will soon share it in a reality show that will rival Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I mean, they already have their first scene for it:
And here’s Aaron showing off his meth abs on Instagram while looking like the kind of dirty hustler who uses plastic bags and rubber bands as condoms and will steal your wallet while he does you next to a dumpster. What I’m trying to say is that Chrissy Crocker is one lucky trick!
Even though there’s probably a bunch of doctors in Beverly Hills who are muttering “Sure, Jan” while trying to pick out which parts of her body were custom and which were off the rack, Catherine Zeta-Jones is here to tell you that 0% of her was created in a surgeon’s office. CZJ was asked about getting older during an interview with Good Housekeeping UK (via People). Catherine let it be known she’s on Team Nip N’ Tuck, but technically she’s just a bench warmer right now, because she’s never had plastic surgery.
“You don’t have to be a beauty queen to be an actress. The roles that are coming my way are different and more interesting. But I’m not anti-plastic surgery at all. Contrary to public opinion, I have not been under the knife…yet, is what I say! If I feel like it, I’m going to go ahead and do it! If (surgery) makes you feel better, who am I to tell someone that it’s wrong?”
Catherine Zeta-Jones doesn’t exactly have the face of a real housewife after discount day at The International House of Plastics, so I don’t know if she’s telling the truth or not. But I’m sure there’s a couple people on the internet that have a PhD in Hollywood Face Work that might like to weigh in with their opinion.
Or maybe CZJ is telling the truth, but it’s Lionel Hutz’s The Truth. Catherine Zeta-Jones says she’s never “been under the knife“, but maybe there’s procedure you can get where the plastic surgeon operates underneath you. Or maybe she’s playing fast and lose with the word knife. “I guess you could say it was technically more of a blade.”
Helen Mirren Doesn’t Think It’s Fair That Everyone Is Shitting On The Academy Because Of #OscarsSoWhite
Oscar winner and the new face of Budweiser Dame Helen Mirren was asked to brain burp up her thoughts on the fact that the Oscar acting categories are filled with nothing but white people for the second year in a row. While talking to the UK’s Channel 4 News (via The Guardian), Helen says that she doesn’t think it’s fair that everyone is coming for the Academy because it’s not their fault that the voters would rather watch a movie where Matt Damon makes caca potatoes (pootatoes) on Mars than watch a movie about child soldiers in Africa.
When Leonardo DiCaprio skipped on stage to collect his pre-Oscar award at the Golden Globes last month, he was upstaged by a tiny red string bracelet on his left wrist. Stringy was kind enough to keep its mouth shut and let Leo perform the acceptance speech he’d been rehearsing to his reflection in the bathroom mirror for two weeks, but it didn’t matter. Stringy made a statement without saying a word, and that statement was: “Remember me from 2006 when half of Hollywood wore Kabbalah bracelets to look all ~spiritual~? I’m back bitches!”
Page Six got to the bottom of the mystery (possible Nancy Drew title: The Mystery Of Where Did Leo Find The Time In His Busy Model-Banging Schedule To Get Into Kabballah?) and it turns out it’s not a Kabbalah bracelet. A source says Leo got the red string bracelet while visiting Angkor Wat in Cambodia with his family and bottom bitch Lukas Haas in November. Leo got the bracelet from a monk in return for a donation, and it’s supposed to bring good luck. So don’t be surprised if on Oscar night you see Leo shuffle on to the red carpet wrapped from head to toe in 300 feet of red string.
All jokes aside, Lukas should probably think about tucking an extra yard of string into the pocket of Leo’s tuxedo jacket on Oscar night so he can play Cat’s Cradle, because he’s going to need something to keep his hands busy now that the Dolby Theatre has banned the use of vapes during the ceremony. What will Leo do without his precious vape pen? Maybe he could sneak it in by putting a little dress on it and passing it off as his date. And with Leo’s years-long commitment to dating skinny underwear models, there’s a really good chance that might actually work.
Reese Witherspoon, Eva Longoria, Kerry Washington and Elizabeth Banks did a roundtable discussion with Entertainment Weekly to talk about the shit women face while working in Hollywood. Laura Jeanne Poon has her own production company (they did Wild and Gone Girl) and says she decided to start producing projects a few years ago after she offered the role of a girlfriend in some piece of trash comedy. She says she was told that a bunch of major actresses in the game were about to scratch each other’s faces off for the role. That dried turd of a script made Laura Jeanne Poon scream, “ENOUGH! I AM AN AMERICAN OSCAR-WINNING CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL AND I DON’T DESERVE THIS!”
“About four years ago, I got sent a script … and it was just awful. It was just a terrible script, and this male star was starring in it, and there was a girlfriend part. And I was like, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me. No, I’m not interested.’ They said, ‘Well, this actress is chasing it, that actress is chasing it.’ Like, three Oscar winners and two huge box-office leading ladies. And I was like, ‘Oh, that’s where we’re at? This is where we’re at? You’re fighting to be the girlfriend in a dumb comedy? For what?’ And by the way, two Oscar winners did it. I was like, ‘I’ve got to do something.’”
And now it’s time to guess!
Guess #1: 2011’s No Strings Attached which starred Oscar winners Natalie Portman and Kevin Kline.
Guess #2: 2011’s Just Go With It which starred Oscar winner Nicole Kidman and Heidi Montag who hasn’t won an Oscar, but everyone assumes a brilliant artist like her has. So maybe Reese figured she’s an Oscar winner too.
Guess #3: 2011’s New Year’s Eve which starred Oscar winners Halle Berry, Hilary Swank and Robert De Niro.
The only one of those guesses that really fits is No Strings Attached. You know, we should be thankful for that dingle, because if it wasn’t for it, Laura Jeanne Poon would have not gone on to star in such thought-provoking, multi-layered and intelligent contributions to cinema like Hot Pursuit and This Means Wear. So at least NSA was good for something!
And here’s the AMERICAN CITIZEN shooting the HBO series Big Little Lies on AMERICAN SOIL in Pasadena, CA.
“Cause the players gonna play play play play play…my game, because nobody wanted to play yours. Tee hee! Sorry ’bout it!”
Taylor Swift, the world’s wealthiest Willow Tree figurine, is about to get a hell of a lot richer. And no, it’s not because she’s got a pre-Valentine’s Day Etsy copyright infringement lawsuit binge planned this weekend. Variety says that Glu Mobile, the people responsible for Kim Kardashian’s mobile game Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, are developing a mobile game about Taylor Swift.
No doubt this news is making every 13-year-old girl in America scream like its Swiftmas™ Eve, but there’s one 13-year-old girl who is screaming for a whole other reason. And that person is the 13-year-old Lisa Frank-obsessed girl trapped in the body of a 31-year-old woman that is Katy Perry. According to BuzzFeed, one of the reasons why Glu Mobile is developing a game around Taylor Swift is because the game they made about Katy Perry, Katy Perry Pop, was a total flop. Apparently nobody wanted to drain their data plan doing whatever the hell Katy Perry is describing below.
Glu Mobile’s CFO recently said Katy’s game was one of their “biggest disappointments” from last year. And now they’re replacing her game with one starring her sworn enemy. Taylor Swift just gave the marketing team at Glu at standing ovation for their lack of subtlety.
Glu has released zero details about Tay Tay’s game, but I’m going to assume it will probably have something to do with becoming a member of her sugar cookie princess squad. But since Taylor is all about that money, and Glu is all about those in-app purchases, they’re going to have to find a way to rig the game so that players never actually make it that far. Which, now that I think of it, should be pretty easy. “This game is so frustrating. It won’t let me level up to Please Welcome To The Stage because it says I’m not a six-foot-tall supermodel.”
The only traumatizing experience I’ve ever had with Uber was when an Uber driver played Hoobstank during the entire ride. No, I don’t know what Hoobastank songs sound like. I used Shazam to find out because I wanted to make sure I got all the details right when filing a police report against that Uber driver for attacking my ear drums like that. But I have heard a couple of scary Uber-related stories and Kevin Smith’s 16-year-old daughter Harley Quinn Smith (born name: Harley Quinn Smith) told one to her Instagram followers over the weekend. And yes, her real name is Harley Quinn Smith. I guess Kevin Smith and his wife really wanted a name that screamed, “MY PARENTS ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING NERDS ALIVE!” Now on to Harley’s Uber horror story….
I always assumed Beyonce’s management team was The Illuminati, who spoke directly to Blue Ivy using a series of coded words on an untraceable phone line patched through to her by her intern Solange. But apparently her management team was real people, and apparently they’re all out of a job today, because she decided to can them.
According to Page Six, Beyonce has quit her general manager of five years, Lee Anne Callahan-Longo, and moved on to a dude named Steve Pamon. A source tells Page Six that Lee Anne isn’t the only one packing her shit in a box to the left to the left today. One of them was her cousin. HER COUSIN!
“Beyonce basically cleaned house, got rid of her whole team, which included her cousin, and hired a new team. She wants to surround herself with business people who could take her career to an even higher level. She has one album left to deliver before her deal is up with Columbia, plus she wants to make smarter decisions where it comes to touring, sponsorships and acting roles.”
A higher level? I didn’t think there was a level higher than Her Royal Highness Supreme Queen of Heaven and Earth BEYONCE!!!.
Beyonce rep commented on Beyonce’s mass firing by saying: “Some senior staffers were given the opportunity to reposition and stay on. Some members . . . awakened [to] new interests and decided to follow personal routes.”
Page Six doesn’t say who else is on Beyonce’s new team. But since Beyonce has a major boner for surrounding herself with the best of the best, I’m surprised she didn’t fire everyone and try to replace them all with cardboard cutouts of herself. Or maybe she did, but Jay Z had to pull her aside and remind her that it’s a good idea to keep one of two real people around, just in case she has any questions. Like “What tool do I use to Photoshop my thigh gap again?” or “How do I decline this phone call from Kanye’s wife?”
And here’s the reason Beyonce exists, Mama Tina, trying to go incognito in her Sith Lord finest at a nail salon earlier this week.
Gimme a ‘L’! Gimme an ‘O’…oh, JUST PUT THE FUCKIN’ LOTION IN THE BASKET! – tim
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
Icky Mouse – johnny boy
Few people knew about Chuck E’s ratchet cousin, Beck E Government Cheese – Trixster