File Under “BARF”: Brody Jenner Admits That Seeing Kim’s Half-Naked Tits On Vacation Gave Him A Semi
Any good will Brody Jenner sustained from ditching Kim Kardashian’s shameless pre-divorce ceremony just been completely thrown out the window. On a recent episode of Keeping Up With The Klassless Kall Girls, Brody Jenner “accidentally” walked in on The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen and her assistant in the middle of an Instagram photo shoot on the family’s vacation on Thailand. One of the rules in Kim’s contract with Satan states that she can’t take a picture without showing off her tits or ass, but since she was on a vacation with her family, she had to find a tasteful way to do it. So what did that clever slut do? She wrapped herself in a cheap white tablecloth from the dollar store and called it a dress.
Unfortunately, she “forgot” to wear underwear underneath, and Brody ended up getting an eyeful of his step-sister’s Botoxed nipples and porn star pussy. Kim quickly covered her rode-hard put-away never bits and told him to get out (nobody gets to see Kim’s moneymakers without forking over some cash to Pimp Mama Kris first). Brody ran to tell his brother and sister-in-law what he’d just seen, but instead of screaming for them to get a jug of bleach and a blow-torch while he collapsed into the fetal position and started cry-singing “Amazing Grace”, he admitted that seeing a half-naked melted off-brand Bratz doll turned him on. How much?
”Maybe just a half-chub.”
Never has the word “maybe” grossed me out more than it does at this moment. And I’m not grossed out by the fact that he got a semi-hard boner from seeing his hooker-looking tramp step-sister wearing a stripper dress. Well, I mean, I am, because that’s some
Flowers Skanky Weeds in the Attic bullshit. No, I’m more offended that he would use the word “chub”. EW! The only thing worse would be if he had gone full-disgusting and said “chubby” (or its less-shameful, but still gross cousin, “stiffy”). I don’t know where he learned such drunk jock language, but it certainly wasn’t from his father. Bruce Jenner is too classy to EVER call his erect penis something as distasteful as a “chub” (obviously he refers to it as his “trouser javelin“).
I was reminded of the swap meet version Salt-n-Pepa after a search for pictures of Blaque’s exquisite bubble wrap couture brought me to a list of forgotten R&B gems of the 90s. Nuttin’ Nyce (which sounds like the name of a raunchy all-squirrel group from Alvin and the Chipmunks) were formed in 1992 in Sacramento, CA and consisted of LaTeece Wallace, Onnie Ponder, and Eboni Foster. They’re probably best known for their song “Down 4 Whateva”, which was featured in the soundtrack to A Low Down Dirty Shame, but I’ll always remember them for being filthy as fuck. Nuttin’ Nyce was like the female 2 Live Crew; all their songs were about poppin’ that pussy and getting their hump on. It’s like 3 strippers with ok voices were offered a recording contract. They were shameless. I loved it. Sadly, they only released one album in 1993 (Down 4 Whateva) and split up three years later.
Everybody remembers “Down 4 Whatevea”, but I remember being truly scandalized when I heard “Froggy Style”. I think I might have been in 8th grade or something, and I thought it was the nastiest, slimiest, grimiest hump jam I’d ever heard in my life. I had no idea what ‘froggy style’ was, but I assumed it was something like doggy style plus a couple wine coolers. Now that I’m older, I realize it’s actually pretty gross. Imagine if you were about to have sex and someone said “I’m gonna fuck you like a pond-dwelling amphibian”? I doubt you’d respond with: “Oh yeah, do me like Kermit.”
And I know those bananas are supposed to represent dicks, but that scene in the kitchen just looks like they’re filming an infomercial for the Ninja Blender.
Benedict Cumberbatch (38)
Jared Padalecki (32)
Michelle Heaton (35)
Vinessa Shaw (38)
Clea Lewis (49)
Anthony Edwards (52)
Lisa Lampanelli (53)
Campbell Scott (53)
Atom Egoyan (54)
Abel Ferrara (63)
Brian May (67)
Vikki Carr (73)
Helen Gallagher (88)
Brad Pitt wore his homemade Brangelina t-shirt and beige blazer on June 9th. He was still wearing his homemade Brangelina t-shirt and beige blazer in Marseilles yesterday. I don’t think he’s changed and he’s going to keep wearing his homemade Brangelina t-shirt and beige blazer until either his toxic body cheese eats them off or until they mutate and grow legs and arms and pull themselves off of his body. I’m going to put a week’s worth of weed money on the first one – Lainey Gossip
Lupita Nyongo’s on French Elle looking like she’s birthing out the sun and is really, really excited about it – Jezebel
Star Magazine wants you to believe that Gisele Bundchen is the Joan Crawford to Tom Brady’s Christine Darling and makes him scrub toilets at 6am – Celebitchy
Jessica from True Blood already got a new job – The Superficial
So did Wentworth Miller – Just Jared
Backdoor Farrah is obviously a graduate of Detective Courtney Love’s Night School of Mystery Solving, because she just solved the mystery of who hacked her frozen yogurt website! – Reality Tea
This is what Lady CaCa’s nipple looks like in case you forgot – Drunken Stepfather
Andrew Rannells as Hedwig kind of look like an end-of-the-night Amanda Palmer – Towleroad
Um, somebody please get a crowbar and a blow torch, because methinks Megan Fox Botoxed her eyelids so much that she can’t lift ‘em anymore – Hollywood Tuna
TGIF! Here’s Kat Dennings’ chichis – Popoholic
It’s Hell I Should Work Out But Fapping Burns A Lot Of Calories Right? Friday! – The Berry
No, it’s not at all embarrassing that Katy Perry is mad about not getting nominated for a coveted MTV VMA – IDLYITW
Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie’s new movie has a name – Popsugar
Looking like a cheese-filled hot dog covered in mustard (no offense to cheese-filled hot dogs covered in mustard) – ICYDK
Julia Ormond has a really good reason for why she dumped her last piece – HuffPo
Dustin Lance Black’s twink diving piece is topless on Attitude – Boy Culture
Pic: Bauer Griffin
She will be filing for divorce in the next few weeks.
This reality star knew that her husband was of questionable moral character even before they married. However, she was willing to overlook that because she really wanted to have a husband and child/ren. She got what she wanted, but the husband is making her look bad now, so she is now cutting him loose. So why is she still making public proclamations of support for him and their marriage while plotting behind his back? She wants to look like the “innocent” and “good” person when this is all over. (Blind Gossip)
Phaedra Parks and Apollo Nida from The Real Housewives of Atlanta? Exhibit: A. This is bad news for Mr. President and Ayden, but this is good news for every pretty-faced, gold digging criminal who’s fresh out of jail and looking for a desperate sugar mama to woo with his dick game.
This one is short, but it is super freaky. This A list mostly movie actress who hangs on to A list because of a past and future project in the works is married. Before she got married though she and her now husband were drinking with the sister of the actress. Our A lister then told her now husband that he wanted him to have sex with the sister of the actress. Our actress went to bed and left the two others to have sex. Apparently this is not the first time the actress had her boyfriends do this. Definitely will be revealed. (CDAN)
Megan Fox? If this is Megan Fox, then she truly is a wonderful, caring and thoughtful sister, because only a generous soul would share David Silver’s AquaNet can-sized dick with her family members.
There is a famous singer who was being considered for a bearding arrangement last year with a professional athlete. They really would have been a perfect match. Both are tall, good-looking, clean-cut, and very successful. As she was on tour and traveling, the timing didn’t work out, but they did do a photo op or two together.
The funny part of this is that while they were in discussions about the bearding arrangement, the singer would talk about the relationship with her friends as if it could become real. She would say things like,”If we spend enough time together, maybe he could really like me and even fall in love with me!” She was genuinely hopeful that the fantasy could become a reality. Thank goodness that never happened. He is now “dating” a film actress who is very clear about her role and has no delusions about where their relationship is going. (Blind Gossip)
Taylor Swift, Aaron Rogers and Olivia Munn?
The Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Sports Awards (whatever that is) happened in L.A. yesterday and two of David Beckham’s sons, Romeo and Cruz, presented him with some kind of award. Just like the regular Kids’ Choice Awards, people get slimed onstage, but instead of getting covered with Slimer’s green barf, people got covered with gold goo. Becks and his boys got slimed and afterward they all looked Liberace’s mansion just projectile diarrhea’d all over them. They’re giving us “if the Hollywood Blvd. Gold Man went to Death Valley and melted.”
Romeo and Cruz both seem grossed out, but it’s weird to me that Becks isn’t dry heaving on the stage and screaming for a Hazmat crew. I mean, Becks getting covered in liquid gold is like all of us regulars getting covered in wet caca since he shits liquid gold. Is he trying to tell us something?
And on another note, is a melting Oscar statue noted Oscar chaser Leonardo DiCaprio’s worst nightmare or a bittersweet dream?
Pics: Wenn.com, AP Images
Looking at this picture of lil’ Justin Bieber sucking on a brewski just made me nostalgic for all the times I tried to get my hands on a beer as a kid. I never did succeed; I’d always end up getting distracted by Glo Friends. But Justin Bieber is a much more determined child than I ever was, and his thirst for taking swigs out of the grown-ups beer bottles has landed a West Hollywood club in trouble.
According to TMZ, Justin Bieber and his new BFF Chris Brown (like moths to a flame, two assholes meet in the night) went to David Arquette’s club Bootsy Bellows. Because Boosty Bellows sells food, they can let anyone in, but only people 21 and older can order booze. Unfortunately, someone snapped a picture of 20-year-old Justin Bieber walking around Bootsy Bellows holding a beer bottle, and now the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is ready to slap them with a giant fine and law enforcement are planning on sending in a bunch of undercover cops to try see if they can bust them for selling liquid happiness to minors.
I don’t think there’s any need to call Gene Parmesan, because this is clearly an open and shut case. Justin Bieber wanted to impress Chris Brown’s friends, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the big boys (because two sips of beer and Justin goes night-night). So he filled an empty beer bottle with apple juice and pretended he was drinking just like them. Trust me – if the cops look through the trash, I’ll bet they’ll find a Heineken bottle that smells like Motts for Tots with his animal cracker-crusted finger prints on it. CASE CLOSED!
It’s been a little over a month since Casey Kasem’s soul floated out of his body and he finally got away from the craziness between his crazy daughter and crazy wife, and in that time you’d think that his family would press pause on the crazy to lay him to rest. But anybody who thought that doesn’t know the kind of crazy shit that Jean Kasem is capable of. The gold digging Amazonian dark goddess re-charges her black orb of a heart by sucking in the pain of Casey Kasem’s family. TMZ says that Casey’s body is missing and everyone thinks that the manifestation of evil (seen above at the Emmys looking like a Mordor Betsy Johnson) has it.
Jean is currently being investigated by the Santa Monica PD for elder abuse. Jean pulled Casey out of a Santa Monica convalescent home when he was down and out and dragged him all around the West. A judge ordered that an autopsy be done on Casey’s body, because the Santa Monica PD needs the results for their investigation. But the day before a judge ordered the autopsy, Jean removed Casey’s body from the funeral home. Sources tell TMZ that only Jean knows where Casey’s body is and nobody can track her down. Casey’s daughter Kerri Kasem thinks that Jean left the country. Jean listed “Jerusalem” as her current address on Casey’s death certificate. Yeah, so she could be in Jerusalem, because the Middle East isn’t going through enough right now.
What in Weekend at Bernie’s HELL?
So if you’re in Jerusalem and see an 8 foot tall giant of insanity dragging a man in a wrinkled suit and sunglasses behind her while telling everyone that he had a little too much Manischewitz wine to drink, don’t make eye contact with it and immediately scream for Scooby Doo or the Ghostbusters or a demon exorcising rabbi.
The moral of this story is: If you marry crazy, crazy will terrorize you when you’re alive and terrorize you after you’re dead by tying your limbs together with piano wire before dragging you all around the world. “That’s sounds rather romantic, actually.” - Spalding from AHS: Coven
I need to turn in my Silver Fox Club membership card, because it’s embarrassing and shameful that my eyes (and other parts) weren’t glued to the TV screen when he talked about gay sex for one split second on Watch What Happens Live earlier this week. This is the biggest crime I’ve ever committed. I can forgive myself for playing Kum Kuntrashian’s iPhone game for 10 minutes (no, I can’t), but I cannot forgive myself for this.
So on Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday night, the Silver Fox, Andy Cohen and their hag Kelly Ripa spilled “secrets” about themselves during a game to see which one of them could make the other uncomfortable first. Kelly started first by asking America’s most serious journalist Andy Coo if his dick wears a turtleneck and if he wants to see her vagina. The Silver Fox didn’t answer Kelly’s question about whether or not his dick is circumcised, but in my professional opinion (and using the information I learned from all the times I put a magnifying glass to his crotch on pictures), the evidence is inconclusive and I’ll have to see it or feel it up close to give my final verdict.
When it came time for the Silver Fox to spill a secret about Andy Cohen, he spilled a secret that isn’t a secret to anyone who has seen Andy on Wendy Williams or listened to him on Howard Stern. The Silver Fox said that contrary to that picture above, Andy Cohen is not a loud, squealing, messy bossy bottom who can cut a beer can in two with his b-hole. Andy Cohen is all top. This revelation courtesy of Queerty:
Anderson: “I know a lot of secrets about Andy. I guess the one that would most surprise people is he’s a top.”
Andy: “Why, you think people think I’m a bottom?”
Kelly: “I don’t.”
Anderson: “Believe me, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I’m just saying I think that would surprise people. And I don’t know this from personal experience, but from conversations I have had…I mean, it surprised me when I heard about it. Yeah, so that’s the secret.”
Kelly: “Why is that a secret? I don’t think that’s a secret. For people who don’t know, at home, do you want to explain what that is? I am a talk show host. I have to get to the answers.”
Andy: “No, I don’t want to.”
Kelly: “Are you sure?”
I’m glad that Anderson answered my next question by saying, “I don’t know this from personal experience,” because I really did not need the image of Andy Cohen topping Anderson Cooper while Anderson licks on Kelly Ripa’s fully erect belly peen. The Silver Fox didn’t answer the “top, bottom or both” question himself, but I guess him saying “Believe me, there’s nothing wrong with that” clears that up. And yes, yes, I still would. I’d still bump butts with the Silver Fox.
I say “newest”, because if Lifetime has taught me anything (besides always asking permission before you sleep with danger) it’s that they’re constantly searching for new ways to beat their own personal best in shitty decisions. The Hollywood Reporter says that Lifetime announced today that they’ve found an actress “black enough” to play Aaliyah in their upcoming made-for-TV disaster Aaliyah: Princess of R&B. 23-year-old Nickelodeon star Alexandra Shipp will fill the baggy Tommy jeans left by 17-year-old Disney star Zendaya, who dropped out when she realized what a career-killing shit show she’d signed up for.
And what a glorious messy shit show it will be! Wendy Williams (who sort of looks like Roger from American Dad! when he dresses up as a woman) has confirmed on Twitter that she’s signed on as executive producer. Not an assistant producer, but THE producer. That means someone has trusted Wendy Williams with calling all the shots. So for all of you who looked at Alexandra and thought “This might not be such a mess after all”, it looks like you were very wrong.
Now that Wendy Williams is taking over as captain of this televised Titanic, I’m sure her first order of business will be to fire Alexandra Shipp and re-cast the role of Aaliyah. And maybe it just so happens that Wendy forgets to tell people where and when she’s holding auditions, and the only person who shows up is a young up-and-coming actress by the name of “Mendy Milliams”. Even though Mendy is obviously just Wendy in a black wig and a crop-top, and the fact that the internet would no doubt take one look at her and declare that she’s not “human enough”, Lifetime will still hire her, because they’re all about that stunt casting. Hell, I’d watch it. Then again, who wouldn’t want to watch a 50-year-old bedraggled muppet slurring the words to a karaoke version of “More Than a Woman.”