Birthday Sluts

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Tami Roman (45) Skip to the 1:23 mark if you want to get straight to “It wasn’t NOT funny!”
Rooney Mara (30)
Luke Mitchell (30)
Alaina Huffman (35)
Monet Mazur (39)
Jennifer Garner (43)
Claire Sweeney (44)
Posh Spice (41)
Redman (45)
Kimberly Elise (48)
Henry Ian Cusick (48)
Liz Phair (48)
William Mapother (50)
Maynard James Keenan (51)
Lela Rochon (51)
Sean Bean (56)
Nick Hornby (58)
Rowdy” Roddy Piper (61)
Olivia Hussey (64)
L. Scott Caldwell (65)


ESPN’s Britt McHenry Got Her Ass Suspended For Trashing A Tow Truck Attendent

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Up until a few hours ago, the name Britt McHenry made my brain spit out question marks and if you asked me who she was I’d guess that she was the first one kicked off of The Bachelor last season. I still don’t really know who Britt McHenry is, but I do know that she’s a suspended reporter from ESPN and is one of those types who plays the “Do you know who I am, bitch?” card.

ESPN suspended reporter Britt McHenry after an edited video of her going full cunt on a tow truck lady popped up on LiveLeak. Busted Coverage says that Britt’s verbal slap down all started when her car got towed while she was eating at a restaurant in Arlington, VA. Britt went to pick up her car at Advanced Towing (which apparently has a reputation for being shifty as hell) and went in on the tow truck attendant. The tow truck lady, whose name is apparently Gina Michelle, let Britt know that she better be ready for her close-up, because she was on camera and ESPN Barbie couldn’t give a shit.

In so many words, Britt told Gina that she’s a toothless, uneducated, trailer trash fatty. Bitch is like Regina George SANS class, wit and hair that looks like it’s been conditioned with the jizz of the gods. The video is below. She would’ve come off a little bit more hardcore and threatening if she didn’t have that Whoville donut bun on her head.

Baby girl? Who in the hell does she think she is? Valerie Cherish?

The thing is, the tow truck lady might not have even known who Britt Michelle was (like 99% of the country). But because Britt Michelle just had to say, “I’m in the news, sweetheart,” Gina Michelle probably Googled her ass and decided to EXPOSE her by releasing this edited video of her greatest hits. That’s why nothing good comes from saying, “Do you know who I am?” 9.5 times out of 10, they’re not going to say back to you, “Oh my fuck, you’re Britt McHenry from ESPN! I am so sorry! Here’s your money back and I’ll have my guys hand wash your car before pulling it up front, baby girl.

ESPN reviewed the tape with Britt and suspended her for 1 week. She apologized on Twatter:

In an intense and stressful moment, I allowed my emotions to get the best of me and said some insulting and regrettable things. As frustrated as I was, I should always choose to be respectful and take the high road. I am so sorry for my actions and will learn from this mistake.

Oh please, baby girl. If you’re going to be a bitch, be a bitch and own being a bitch. None of this “stressful moment” shit. Own your bitchery. Or if you don’t want to do that, just say that video was a Funny or Die prank and hope that everyone believes you.


Would You Hit It?

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Maybe I should tell you what “it” is before you say you’ll hit it or not. But then again, you may be a desperate, parched, hard-up slut tramp around-the-way skank ho like me who has no standards and will hit “it” first and ask what “it” is later.

But anyway, this is Jared Leto fighting, punching, slapping, stabbing, shooting, blowing up, shanking, drowning and setting fire to his hotness to play the Joker in Suicide Squad. Jared put up this picture of him in halfway (I’m guessing) Joker drag on Snapchat today. I highly doubt that’s the Joker’s final look, but if it is, then Suicide Squad’s hair and makeup budget must be $3 and a couple of Sally’s Beauty Supply coupons. I’m not really getting the Joker from this. I’m mostly getting a cross between the dude from Prodigy after having food poisoning for two weeks and Klaus Nomi after a 4-day meth binge.

It was nice of Jared to take a picture at that angle, though. Because now you know what he looks like when he’s on top of you and going all 300 on your guts with his Praetorian Guard’s helmet dick. (Or what he looks like when he watches you sleep in the morning and bends down to suck the breath out of your mouth.) I just want to gently grab Jared Leto’s face with one hand and with the other hand I want to grab a Sharpie and paint some exquisite brows on his face so he doesn’t look like a Sphynx cat whose owner put a fluffy green beanie on his head for Christmas.

With that said, yes, yes I’d hit, but I’d definitely have to bring along a Sharpie to give him some brows.

And if seeing Jared like this hurts your loins, here’s a palate cleanser in the form of Tom Hardy working a suit at the UK premiere of Child 44. Just try not to focus on the field of pubes on his neck.


And Now In Deeply Embarrassed Old Men News…

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever asked yourself the question “I wonder if anyone still has “Let It Go” from Frozen set as the incoming call ringtone on their cellphone?” the answer is yes, there is still one person, and it’s 78-year-old Senator Pat Roberts. Poppa Roberts forgot to turn his phone off during a committee hearing with Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, and so when a call came in, instead of giving him a case of the secret good feels by vibrating silently in his pocket, his phone started playing “Let It Go” loud enough for everyone to hear. Poppa Roberts quickly yanked his phone out of his pocket and turned it off before jokingly telling Tom Vilsack to “Just let it go, mister.

Of course, because this shit happened on CSPAN or whatever, it was all recorded and he was outed as a hardcore Frozen fan. But before you go emailing Pat Roberts a link to BuzzFeed’s 10 Ways To Tell Whether You’re An Anna Or An Elsa (irrelevant – he’s totally an Olaf), his spokesperson says that the “Let It Go” ringtone is for his grandkids. He also tried to make a joke about it on Twitter. Then he closed the door to his office, lit a trash can fire, and burned his custom-made snow queen gown in an attempt to destroy the rest of the evidence.

Cellphones! Those shady bitches will take any opportunity to shame your ass, I swear. Once I had LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” set as my ringtone and my phone went off in the middle of a date. I swear I had set that shit to silent and removed the battery in my flip phone (oh lord, that might have been the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever admitted) just in case, and it still went off. No, there was no second date. Can you blame him?

Afternoon Crumbs

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

FYI: Brandi Glanville admits that she looks like a demented Madame blow-up doll that’s been filled with soil jelly – Celebitchy

Ryan Gosling dyed his hair black and looks like a white man playing Ricky Ricardo in a community theater production of I Love LucyLainey Gossip

Thank God, because I’ve been wondering why it’s been two long hours since I’ve seen RiRi’s pierced nipple knob – Drunken Stepfather

The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion trailer had me at “That hair is thirsty”Reality Tea

Panty Creamer of the Day: The trans bodybuilder who is in the running to be on the cover of Men’s Health - Towleroad

If Kanye West really wanted to drop some truth on Time, he’d say, “Every time I say something that’s extremely stupid out loud, it literally breaks brain cells.” – The Superficial

JLo’s ass in that dress looks like a 3D pin art sculpture – Popoholic

The teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for Batman v. Superman is out and those bitches are really slipping, because I can’t believe they didn’t release a teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer – IDLYITW

You know you’re a hard-up desperate mess when you’re trying to find a peen print while looking at a cartoon Instagram picture of GastonThe Berry

The director of Monster is directing the Wonder Woman movie. I can’t wait for the scene where Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl #2 slow dance to “Don’t Stop Believin’” on a roller skating rink – Jezebel

The Porn Iguana is Marilyn incarnate! What I mean by that is  that she is”Marilyn Manson in bad Jayne Mansfield drag incarnate!” – Hollywood Tuna 

Jon Cryer does the Duckie dance with the British Jimmy FallonSOW

It looks like Kylie Jenner has just discovered colored contact lenses from Sally’s Beauty – ICYDK

Selena Gomez’s chichis are trying to escape out of that bikini top – Popsugar

Ryan Gosling is probably going to be in the Blade Runner sequel and that’s great and everything, BUT WHAT ABOUT SEAN YOUNG? - Indie Wire 

Feel the warm beauty of Terry Crews serenading America’s sweetheart Betty WhitePajiba


Open Post: Hosted By The Reason Why Thousands Of Pairs Of Star Wars Boxers Are Filled With Nerd Jizz

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell from Twitter going all DJSALKFJADSLKFJDSALK;FJDKL;ASDLKJDSJL&**JDKAJFLASDJF!!!!, a new trailer for Star Whores: The Peen Slit Awakens was released today.

It’s times like these when I really wish that I knew about a Nutty Madam-like Star Wars fan on YouTube who records themselves losing all their bodily fluids while watching this trailer for their nerd porn of choice. I really want to watch a Star Wars nerd contort his face as he releases a full body orgasm and off camera you hear the sound of his mom knocking on the door while screaming, “Allen! Allen! If you’re going to squirt, please do it on the Wee Wee pad I laid out in the corner, because I really don’t want to spend my Thursday night scrubbing dried gunk out of the carpet. You know tonight is mom’s ro-zay and Elementary night!


Laverne Cox Went SANS VETEMENTS For Allure

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

That’s “no clothes” for all you non French speakers. It’s that time again, when a bunch of famous types strip down to their nipple bits and fudge machines (copyright: Amy Schumer) for Allure’s annual Nudes Issue. The word nude usually implies this shit is going to be tasteful (“So, no open-faced butthole sandwich then?” wonders a confused Kim Kardashian) and this picture of OITNB‘s Laverne Cox is tasteful as hell. She looks like a bashful seamstress who forgot to pick up a new spool of thread and therefore is unable to turn that pile of linen she’s demurely humping on into a sexy-yet-very itchy pair of panties and a bra. It’s what I imagine a boudoir portrait of Jo-Ann from Jo-Ann Fabrics would look like.

I can relate to this picture of Laverne in Allure, because that’s totally the same face I make when someone goes to take a tits down ass up picture of me and I realize I’ve forgotten to check my ass for chip crumbs. Trust me, its happened before – the chip crumbs stuck to my ass part, not the tits down ass up picture part. Nobody’s eyes need to see that.

Of course, Laverne wasn’t the only one to get naked for Allure. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beyonce! was joined by Jordana Brewster (who looks a little Niece Denise in the face), VikingsKatheryn Winnick, Sleepy Hollow’s Nicole Beharie, and Catherine from The L Word, aka Sandrine Holt. Snore! Where’s the true nude beauty? Where’s our tasteful nude portrait of plasticine goddess Big Ang? You’re right, human eyes aren’t evolved enough to view such a gorgeous vision.

Kim Richards Arrested For Being A Disorderly Mess

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

If you can be arrested for being a disorderly mess, then it won’t be long before my chihuahua finds a way to bust a CITIZEN’S ARREST on my ass when I drunkenly roll around on the living room carpet while singing along to Samantha Fox’s greatest hits.

E! News says that Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the masterpiece Escape to Witch Mountain found herself in handcuffs early this morning after she allegedly caused a drunken scene at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Apparently, hotel security called the police at around 1:30 this morning after some kind of fight went down. When the police got to the hotel, they found Kim drunker than Brandi Glanville after seeing a picture of her boys and LeAnn Rimes on Twitter. Kim was belligerent with the cops and they say she was slurring her words and smelled like booze.

Kim locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out. Cops had to drag Kim out of the bathroom and they took her to the police station where TMZ says she kicked a police officer. No word if she also called the police officer a “slut pig.” She was charged with trespassing, resisting arrest, battery on a police officer and being a drunk wreck in public. She was given a citation and released. Yeah, she kicked a cop and got a citation. If any of us kicked a cop, we’d probably be farting up sparks after getting tased.

Anybody who watched The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills this season knows that Kim has claimed to be sober for a long time. Well, except that one time when Monty gave Kim a pain pill which made her bring thirty layers of crazy on Lisa Rinna. During the RHoBH reunion, Kim, who went to rehab in 2011, said that she wasn’t struggling with her sobriety and was doing well.

Meanwhile, Brandi Glanville is trying to find a way to blame this on Kyle Richards and Kyle Richards is trying to find a way to make this all about her.

Goopy Paltrow Has Consciously Uncoupled From Trying To Eat Like A Poor Person (UPDATE)

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Sadly, it looks like you will never get the chance to see Goopy Paltrow at Safeway asking an employee, “Pardonne-moi, where are your organic courgettes?” Because she is done with buying struggle limes and is back to buying rare Australian finger limes.

Last week, Goopy Paltrow tweeted that she had come down from her Tahitian pearl-encrusted crystal tower to find out what it’s like to eat like a poor person for a week. Goopy took the Food Stamps Challenge and agreed to eat only $29 worth of groceries, which is what a person on SNAP gets. Goopy tweeted a picture of a bunch of vegetables, which would make a fairly big bowl of guacamole, which would last most of us about a day.

Goopy did it to raise awareness about how crazy little food money people on benefits get, but last night, People said that she may have said “fuck it” to the challenge to eat the food of her people: richie food. On Tuesday night, Goopy and her dude Brad Falchuk went to a restaurant in L.A. called Animal. It’s called Animal because they serve every damn animal there.

The actress, 42, and the Glee co-creator, 44, dined at the L.A. restaurant Animal, which featured a barbecue-themed menu on Tuesday of pig ears, veal tongue and fried rabbit legs.

“They were sitting together, very cozy and romantic,” says the observer at the eatery. “He was totally rapt by everything she was saying. They were totally on a date.”

Goopie Paltrownette was overhead saying, “Let them eat veal tongue!”

Page Six says that Goopy also went to some fancy dinner for Posh Beckham that same night. But Goopy’s spokeswhore says that she didn’t quit the challenge, because she already did it last week, you GOOP-hating peasants!

“She already finished the challenge last week but only got around to posting the photo of the groceries on [Thursday].”

If Goopy does the SNAP challenge and she doesn’t shit up post after post on GOOP about how to make caviar and blinis out of tapioca balls, canned tuna water and Jiffy, did she really take the SNAP challenge at all?

But what really surprises me is that Goopy didn’t immediately do a 3-week long kumquat seed and hummingbird tears cleanse after doing the SNAP challenge, because you’d think she’d want to clean her insides of all of that non-organic guacamole.

UPDATE: Goopy Paltrow admitted on GOOP that she cheated by eating chicken (read: a hormone-free duck breast covered with bits of deep fried dolphin tongue) and black licorice (That’s what she fucking cheats with?! She is so GOOP) and then she went Norma Rae again:

As I suspected, we only made it through about four days, when I personally broke and had some chicken and fresh vegetables (and in full transparency, half a bag of black licorice). My perspective has been forever altered by how difficult it was to eat wholesome, nutritious food on that budget, even for just a few days—a challenge that 47 million Americans face every day, week, and year. A few takeaways from the week were that vegetarian staples liked dried beans and rice go a long way—and we were able to come up with a few recipes on a super tight budget.

After trying to complete this challenge (I would give myself a C-), I am even more outraged that there is still not equal pay in the workplace. Sorry to go on a tangent, but many hardworking mothers are being asked to do the impossible: Feed their families on a budget which can only support food businesses that provide low-quality food. The food system in our beautiful country needs to be subjected to a heavy revision—it is a cyclical problem, with repercussions that we all feel. I’m not suggesting everyone eat organic food from some high horse in the sky. I’m saying everyone should be able to afford fresh, real food. And if women were paid an equal wage, families might have more of a choice in the grocery aisles, not to mention in the rest of their lives.

C-?! When it comes to being poor, bitch gets an F-.

Louis C.K. Is Sorry For That Time He Hissed At Sarah Palin On Twitter

April 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Way back in 2010, comedian and hot Ginger daddy (don’t judge me) Louis C. K. composed a series of drunken tweets on an airplane, one of which was directed at living Bumpit Sarah Palin. Although to be fair, who isn’t guilty of getting drunk and tweeting shit about Sarah Palin? Let he who is without tweet against that dumb shit from Alaska be without…something something…cast the first stone (oh Jesus, speaking of getting drunk on an airplane, it appears I’m still whatever the word for jet lagged + hungover is). Louis C.K. had referred to Sarah Palin as a “fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl“. No offense to the real Wonder Girl, I’m sure.

Five years later, Louis C.K. tells Howard Stern (via People) that he’s sorry for ever calling her a fucking jackoff cunt-face jazzy wondergirl. Louis was approached by Sarah Palin at the SNL 40th Anniversary after-party in February because Sarah said her nephew, who was her date that night, told her that she had to say Hi to Louis C.K. and that he’s the one guy she had to meet. That’s when, according to Louis, “something came over me emotionally” and he apologized. Louis also told Howard he’s never apologized for any of his jokes before that night.

And just like a broken spring in a Whac-A-Mole game, Sarah Palin popped out of her hole in Wasilla to add to his story. Sarah tells People that she was “sincerely humbled” that he would apologize and laughed it off, because she hadn’t even heard what he’d said about her. Yeah right. As if Sarah Palin hasn’t ever switched internet providers in order to handle the bandwidth required for her to examine every single one of her Google alerts that contain the words “Sarah Palin” plus several expletives.

Louis C.K. also added that Sarah Palin invited him to come fishing with her in Alaska. Don’t do it Louis! It’s a trap! First she gets you in a boat in the middle of nowhere with the promise of fish, then Joe the Plumber pulls up on a Sea-Doo, she hops out of the boat, and they speed away, leaving you all alone with nothing but a thin piece of tin between your ass and an ice alien from The Thing.

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