Jenny Slate And Captain America Are Officially A Thing

June 26, 2016 / Posted by:

In the words of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, life finds a way. Like tufts of grass between concrete slabs. Or how backwards ass people like the Duggars manage to make it through life. But we’re here to discuss love. Not incesty Duggar stuff, no. Random, head scratching love, but love nonetheless. Jenny Slate and Chris Evans finally stepped out together for a premiere, confirming what we’ve known for months now.

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Taylor Swift Is Apparently Not Happy With Kanye: Part 3,895

June 26, 2016 / Posted by:

I’m going to bet that every single one of you saw this coming. It let you know what time it would be landing and where to pick it up. Taylor Swift is (allegedly) not happy. Taylor Swift is (allegedly) not happy one bit about this kontinual Kanye West nonsense! She has put up with the lies and the ego for far too long but the icing on this shit cake is the nude Taylor figure in Kanye’s “Famous” video.

Hollywood Life is reporting that a source type has told them Taylor is cooking something and it isn’t in an Easy Bake Oven. I don’t know if there would be enough double takes in the world if Taylor wasn’t mad… The come to life Disney Princess (in her mind…) certainly doesn’t appreciate nude likenesses of her being used and abused for someone else’s purposes, and she shouldn’t. The source went on to say:

Taylor is furious after seeing Kanye’s video. She feels like she’s been assaulted. She knew he was unpredictable but didn’t think he would go so far. She’s strategizing with her team as to what her next move should be. She’s weighing all her options and will then respond accordingly. Just writing a song dissing him isn’t enough payback for something like this.

No, I can’t imagine a song with a name like “Mr Meany Pants” would do much to hurt Kanye. Unless of course it was a song insulting his taste in pants, then maybe, because we know how Kanye feels about his leather jogging pants. There’s no mention yet of whether she’s planning to sue. So I’m assuming her plan involves calling in all the different witches to show her how to make a poison apple.

Right now, the only person who’s mentioned suing anyone is the attention seeker himself, Kanye. He posted this to Twitter on Saturday, it has since been deleted but Pigeons & Planes got a screenshot:

The celebrities featured in “Famous” should thank him, really. They’re all getting some press out of it. You know who should sue? Us. The people. We’ve been dealing with Kanye’s foolery for too many years. How many eye-rolling muscles have been bruised because of Kanye? I say we call one of those fancy subway lawyers and file a class action. Watch out Kanye, #We’reKoming

Pic: Wenn

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The Hoff’s Money Hassles Are A Little Better

June 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Smile, Hoff! Smile! And take all the selfies you want! It’s certainly time to rejoice. Things are on the up and up for a true Hollywood star. The man who had a talking car and brought down the Berlin Wall with just the power of his voice has finally been treated like the treasure he is. A judge has granted him his request to reduce spousal support to his ex-wife, Pamela Bach.

In May, David Hasselhoff’s lawyers filed papers in court asking that a judge reduce the $21k a month he’s been paying Pamela since they split in 2006. The Hoff claimed that he wasn’t raking in money the way he used to and wanted to retire, but couldn’t if he had to continue paying that amount. Pamela shouted “liar” and claimed he’s worth somewhere around $120 million. However, TMZ is reporting that The Hoff and Pamela reached a settlement and he’s now going to fork over $10k a month.

This must have been one messy headache of a fight because in the papers the judge wrote a note saying, “Thank you for the agreement!” I’m not particularly familiar with the legal system, but when a judge writes a note in official documents thanking the parties for letting him get on with his life, you have to assume that shit hit levels even a Hollywood judge couldn’t stomach.

The Hoff’s latest show, Hoff The Record, is enough of a hit over in the UK that there’s been a second season that started in May, so clearly things are looking up for him. Between this gracious judge, Pamela coming to her senses and a hit show, I’d say the only was is up. It’s time for a Hoff comeback and given who’s in the spotlight now, I’d say it couldn’t come sooner.

Pic: Wenn

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Hot Sluts Of The Day!

June 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Vixen!

No glam rocker was as much of a glamorous and gorgeous-faced goddess as Sebastian Bach was, but the AquaNet-covered jewels of Vixen came pretty close. Vixen’s founding guitarist, the late Jan Kuehnemund, created the band of all-goddess glam rockers in St. Paul, Minnesota in the 1970s and after they moved to L.A. in 1985, they became the Queens of the Sunset Strip! Or something. Vixen has had many members throughout the years, but the “classic line-up” was made up of Jan, singer Janet Gardner, bassist Share Pederson and drummer Roxy Petrucci.

Their first hit, and the song I know them best from, was “Edge Of A Broken Heart,” which was co-written by Richard Marx. I listened to this 80s glam rock masterpiece again this morning, and immediately added Vixen to the long list of true artistes that Lady Gaga has copy + pasted from. “Edge Of A Broken Heart” sounds like the flawless diamond to “The Edge of Glory’s” chipped CZ.

WARNING: After you press play on this piece of glam rock perfection, you may find yourself contributing to the end of the ozone layer by teasing and spraying your mane until it’s so stiff that it doesn’t move when you bust out sweet, sexy moves in front of a fan and smoke machine.

Vixen got themselves another hit with “Cryin‘.” They broke up in 1991 after putting out a couple of albums, but they’ve reunited a few times since then.

I know I said before that nothing could save the blasphemous abomination that was the Jem and the Holograms movie, but I take that back. It would’ve ruled the box office if Vixen played The Misfits and about 10 minutes into the movie, they destroyed Jem and the rest of the movie was just them playing their greatest hits.

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Birthday Sluts

June 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Chris Isaak (60)
Ariana Grande (23)
Melanie Amaro (24)
Jennette McCurdy (24)
Angelina Pavarnick (30)
Aubrey Plaza (32)
Jason Schwartzman (36)
Nathan Followill (37)
Ryan Tedder (37)
Derek Jeter (42)
Gretchen Wilson (43)
Rebecca Budig (43)
Chris O’Donnell (46)
Nick Offerman (46)
Irv Gotti (46)
Paul Thomas Anderson (46)
Sean Hayes (46)
Matt Letscher (46)
Harriet Wheeler (53)
Terri Nunn (55)
Patty Smyth (59)
Mick Jones (61)
Robert Davi (63)

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Open Post: Hosted By Patsy And Eddy At London Pride

June 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Sweetie, darling. Get out the bolli-stoli. Patsy and Eddy are here! Well, they’re in London. But we live through the internet, so they’re basically right next to you. Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that the AbFab movie is less than a month away and that means they gotta pimp that shit out. Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley got back into their true skins and trotted out for London Pride today.

They weren’t alone though. Sadly, they were not joined by Lulu and Eddy’s mother. Eddy and Patsy were flanked by a mini army of drag queen clones in varying degrees of Patsy and Eddy realness. No, the Queen herself wasn’t there, but with that many queens in one place does it matter? Although her lovely lime green ensemble would’ve fit in perfectly. Besides, everyone knows that Patsy and Eddy are the true queens of England! I will say that if they really wanted to take the PR for this all the way and make sure the movie is a hit, Eddy should’ve performed her smash hit “Walkin’ Down The Road” atop that float.

Pics: Wenn

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Audrina Patridge Had A Baby Girl

June 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Someone is fucking with me! It’s been weekend after weekend of goddamn baby announcements. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate babies (I do), but could these famous people try and push one out or announce the arrival on a weekday? Michael K and Allison aren’t plagued with the baby talk so why should I be?! Anyway, at least this baby takes us back to one of the eras I enjoy the most, 2006. Audrina “Ceiling Eyes” Patridge of The Hills, the scripted soap opera about the lives of pieces of cardboard, has given birth to a baby girl.

Audrina and her fiancé, Corey Bohan – which sounds like the French version of Cody Lohan to me – announced back in December that there was a lil’ ol’ fetus in her uterus. And now they have welcomed their first child, Kirra Max Bohan. Reps for Audrina (she still has reps? what?) confirmed to People that Kirra made her first appearance yesterday morning. They went on to say, “she’s perfectly healthy and Mom is doing great.

Audrina made the announcement of being knocked up on Instagram with a post sponsored by Clearblue, because that is the world we live in. Last week she used Instagram again to talk about how she’ll miss having a baby growing in her:

It’s going to be weird not having a belly soon or feeling little kicks punches and hiccups allll the time, I’m so used to it now and am loving it. I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy so I’m very thankful for that and also for good genes…. Just gotta get her to flip!! I’ll post a prego update blog for all my fellow prego girls out there:)! (thanks @enviedefraise for my cute dress)

She managed to get in a plug for her dress, but I really feel like she missed an opportunity for a bigger catch with the phrase “prego girls“. There’s money to be made in pasta sauce, Audrina!

By Hollywood baby name standards, Kirra is pretty normal and isn’t even a conversation piece. But Audrina has always been the most basic of the bunch and that has paid off for little Kirra. I mean, at least she doesn’t have a name like Saylor. So congrats, Kirra!

Pic: Splash

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Jermaine Jackson Is Getting Divorced

June 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Love may be wonderful, but easy it is not. Love takes time and effort and understanding. And sometimes, love is not enough. Sadly, today, we learn that love was not enough for yet another couple. Jermaine Jackson and Halima Rashid are getting divorced. Love may have been enough for her to embrace a California Raisin with Sharpie’d on hair, but it wasn’t enough to keep them together forever.

Halima spoke to People and said:

With a great amount of sorrow and regret, I today announce that I am filing for divorce from Jermaine Jackson. We have enjoyed many good times during our marriage of nearly 12 years, but we have reached a point where our lives would be better and more productive if we are not married. I respect and care for Jermaine and his legendary family, and feel blessed to have been a part of the Jacksons. At this time, I ask that our friends, family members and the media respect the difficulty of this decision and allow us privacy as we move on with our lives. Thank you very much.

Halima filed the papers for divorce and Tuesday, citing irreconcilable differences. Halima, I feel you. I too have irreconcilable differences with hair that comes in a spray can and lead based paint used as makeup. In the papers, Halima states November 28, 2015 as the date of separation. The two do not have any children but Halima is requesting spousal support.

This spousal support smells likes it’s going to be ten layers of mess. Halima was arrested in December for domestic abuse after the two got into a fight. Allegedly, it was so bad she bit his leg. And Jermaine doesn’t exactly have the greatest track record when it comes to paying exes. His ex-wife, Alejandra Jackson, had to go so far as to have his wages garnished to get the money he owed her for child support for Jermajesty (WHY?) and Jaafar (DOUBLE FUCKING WHY?). That’s despite the fact that he goes around buying Ferraris. Halima, my dear friend (no, I don’t know her), good luck with that. Even Detective LaToya would have a hell of a time finding money for Jermaine to pay you with.

Pic: Splash

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Taylor Swift Met Tom Hiddleston’s Mom In The Newest Chapter Of Their Romance Novel Love Affair

June 25, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s absolutely incredible the empire American Girl dolls has built. There’s the doll itself that comes with a whole story and life and her little accessories, but then there are endless possibilities. You can buy her an entire world full of furniture and clothes and friends. Beyond the large scope of imagination it provides for children, the company is astounding because of the fuckload of money its made. Much like Taylor Swift, living American Girl doll. And now, she’s really upped the ante with her latest accessory, Tom Hiddleston, by playing with him in the “meet your boyfriend’s mother for super natural looking photos” playset!

After meeting her parents in Nashville and Tom embarrassing himself at the Selena Gomez concert, The Daily Mail says that they jetted off to England to meet his mother, Diana.

The two arrived there yesterday and they spent super private time with his mom in front of the paparazzi before driving around his hometown of Suffolk. Taylor brought Tom’s mom gifts. After their leisurely and spontaneous stroll, Tom drove Taylor around in a very James Bond-esque (cast him already!) Jaguar and showed her his favorite spots. Like a gas station where he got them coffee. Nothing screams Harlequin romance like a quick cup of piss joe at a gas station.

When it comes down to it, I kind of admire Taylor and I can’t believe I typed that. At least she’s the kind of master puppeteer who puts out dumb and sappy entertainment into the world, which it kind of needs at the moment. Maybe Taylor’s presence in the UK will somehow rework Brexit. Or maybe she’ll just buy Buckingham Palace, rename it Pretty Pretty Princess Palace and live happily ever after with her fully posable Prince Charming.

Pic: FameFlynet

Kanye West’s Video For “Famous” Is Your Worst Sexual Nightmare

June 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Oh here go hell come… Oh dear me… While the nuns are busy trying to figure out how to solve a problem like Maria, I’m scratching my head trying to figure out how to solve a problem like Kanye West. Do we give him a time out? Do we just pretend he’s not here and eventually he’ll just stop the tantrums? Or do we just acknowledge him and say “good job, sweetie. Now mommy has to work, so shhhhhh”? Whatever the solution, today we come to the part of the show where he pulls his pants down at the dinner party and says “LOOK!” Kanye West has released his video for “Famous” (the song which features Rihanna and Swizz Beatz and includes a line about making Taylor Swift famous) unto the world.

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