I’m glad to see that cereal companies don’t give a single fuck about the rise of childhood diabetes in the world–as it’s being reported by Food & Wine that a new cereal is on the horizon. Twinkies cereal, which looks like a cross between fried maggots and uncut penises, may be coming soon, so expect blood sugar levels to get to some dangerous levels.
It happens to us all! As we age, our bodies deteriorate and we aren’t able to do all the same things we used to. Joints creak as we go up stairs. We aren’t able to hop fences like we did as teenagers. You have to go, “What did you say?”, but also say, “Can you turn that music down?” Well 63-year-old Whoopi Goldberg seems to have reached a milestone in the aging process: getting too old to drive. Whoopi revealed that she no longer drives herself because her eyesight is not what it used to be. Which seems like a blessing in my opinion, because now she can get stoned in the back seat while someone else drives her everywhere–ideal! And that’s maybe why she looks at “rape” and asks “Is that rape rape?,” because she can’t see it too well.
Goop held a wellness summit in London and it turned that people didn’t like how steamed their vaginas got and so they complained about the price of admission, accusing Gwyneth Paltrow of being an “extortionist.” Gwyneth’s longtime friend/trainer/torture master/fellow charlatan Tracy Anderson defended the event and complained that if people are going to call out snake oil salesman then it could shut down the whole snake oil industry. SO RUDE!
The 71st Primetime Emmy nominations were announced today, and a celebratory screech rang out from the fire-filled mouths of all the dragons of the…uh…the Shire? The place where Link from The Legend of Zelda lives? Okay, so I’ve never watched a single episode of Game of Thrones. But Game of Thrones now holds multiple Emmy nomination records. “HA! Take that, you angry nerds!” thought the creators of Game of Thrones.
Katy Perry is diversifying. She’s torn a page right out of Soulja Boy’s Big Book Of Big Ideas and is slapping her name on all manner of products. Simultaneously, she’s out here promoting a very Goop on a budget lifestyle. Trust me, if you already think you know too much about Goop’s poops, you are not ready to hear about Perry’s dingleberries.
Katy was probably prompted to open up about her love of enemas as part of her “Ayurvedic eating and cleansing” routine because she and fiancé Orlando Bloom are recent investors in Bragg Live Food Products. That’s the company that ruined my childhood with their nutritional yeast, which by law, is liberally sprinkled on every bowl of popcorn served in the city of Berkeley. Bragg is also known for their apple cider vinegar and that crusty bottle of amino acids that’s been in the back of my aunt’s cabinet for the last 20 years. Katy calls that shit “mindful eating”.
This live-action Barbie movie has taken more twists and turns than the waist of a Twist n’ Turn Barbie. First Mattel was working with Sony on a live-action Barbie movie written by and starring Amy Schumer. Amy Schumer dropped out because of a scheduling conflict. Then Anne Hathaway was in talks, and eventually the role of Barbie went to Margot Robbie, with Patty Jenkins possibly directing. And now there’s a new development, and it’s 100% more random.