If someone asked you to try their “WAP drink”, you’d probably assume they wanted you to chug their, uh… hmmm, how do I put this delicately in case my mother reads this post… their pussy juices. An authentic WAP beverage, wrung straight from a bucket and a mop. But a Starbucks in Philadelphia begs to differ. Their WAP drink is white mocha, almond milk, and pumpkin spice. So a whole lotta white, creamy liquid infused with espresso and pumpkin flavor. OK, sure! Happy autumn!
Even staunch environmentalist Super Vegans are sometimes in too much of a hurry to boil water, grind fair trade beans, and wait for their coffee to drip through a non-bleached reusable filter. When time is more important than your morals, you might have to hold your nose and hit up your local coffee shop and ask them to fill up your reusable mug with an unsweetened oat milk latte. Or, if you’re Alicia Silverstone, you go straight to Starbucks and then complain when the mega chain can’t meet your environmental standards. Apparently, Alicia recently had a rough go of it when her trip to Starbucks ended in tears (mother nature’s). Despite bringing her own mug, the Starbucks she visited used a disposable cup to pour her coffee into it. So Alicia #TookToTwitter, describing the cup carnage she witnessed as “depressing”. And don’t get her started on the non-dairy milk situation. Seriously, please DO NOT GET HER STARTED. #TooLate.
Lindsay Shookus and Ben Affleck have decided to give things another solid go. Since getting back together, Ben’s buddies have been worried that he’s in a fragile spot with his recovery, and as Lindsay is not sober, they’re afraid this re-pairing might be a bad thing. Well, Ben’s friends can untwist their bunched up panties, because sources claim Lindsay doesn’t drink around Ben. Instead, Ben and Lindsay are pushing aside the booze bottles and welcoming Britney Spear’s favorite drink of choice, the royal Frap. Ok, Ben and Lindsay are drinking boring coffee instead, but hey, at least it’s not spiked with Wild Turkey.
The thing that surprised me the most from this story is the fact that Ariana Grande is allegedly a vegan. I’m not sure how that’s possible when you’re lugging around 90 pounds of horse mane on the top of your head, but I guess her vegan principles don’t apply to appearance.
Earlier this week, Ari unleashed a signature drink at Starbucks called the Cloud Macchiato, which she then tried to suggest as a vegan option by using soy milk. Of course the real vegans were watching from the sidelines waiting to drag her by the ponytail for telling lies, because the Cloud Macchiato can NEVER be a vegan option since it includes dairy.
I never thought I’d long for the days when shameless pop princess product plugging was limited to Plenty of Fish showing up in every damn music video or Britney Spears spritzing on her own perfume line anytime a camera rolled. Alas, this is 2019, and these chanteuses have to find some way to follow in the self-made (COUGH) footsteps of Kylie Jenner. Probably because she was tired of hearing Michael K call her Ariana Grande Latte, Ariana Grande is now partnering with Starbucks to offer an Ariana Grande La—only kidding. That’d be too easy. She and Starbucks are promoting the new Cloud Macchiato because Ari likes to use the cloud emoji so much. Starbucks, just give me a call when you want to collab on the eggplant macchiato!
Starbucks recently announced that they’re going to be installing a blocker on their WiFi in all of their U.S. locations that will prevent you creepy types from jerking off near the clearance tea mugs, because their blocker will ban porn! Well, you always knew they were mind-controlling overpriced fascists, but now there’s proof. Forbes reports that, in response, the management over at porno tube tug site YouPorn has banned all Starbucks products from their offices. That’ll teach em’!