Ellen‘s worst nightmare, The Kelly Clarkson Show, nabbed Gwyneth Paltrow as a guest for today’s show. And we may as well call Gwyneth the Vagina Whisperer because she is obsessed with everything coochie-related (see: coochie smells, coochie orgasms, and coochie eggs). So it’s no surprise that when Kelly Clarkson asked Gwyneth what songs she goes to when she’s feeling down, she answered, “Wet Ass Pussy.” When Gwyneth heard WAP for the first time, she probably shouted to the heavens, “Finally, I feel seen!” But Kelly was shocked by Gwyneth’s answer and probably got a WAP from pissing herself while laughing.
So there’s this Instagram Live video going around that shows Cardi B lip-synching to “WAP” at home with a glass of white wine. The life! She’s soon joined by her 2-year-old daughter Kulture, who races into the shot behind mommy’s back. When Cardi notices Kulture, she goes, “Ah no no no no no!” and immediately turns the song off. Huh. My parents had the exact same reaction when Kate Winslet showed her boobs in Titanic. But I guess this parenting choice upset some people on Twitter. Their logic was… Cardi is a hypocrite? Cuz she’s encouraging “everybody else’s daughter” to listen to the song, but not her own?
It’s nearly the end of 2020, and Google has counted up everything people searched for over the past 12 months, and let everyone know what was being looked up. They released the top search terms across a variety of categories, from news to people to recipes to TV shows. And if Google could come up with a search term to represent it all, it could be: Pandemic Stuff. Because guess what? The search results reflect everything we were doing while we were stuck inside.
There’s some whores in this house, and it turns out one of them is Jack Black! A decided improvement over Kylie Jenner. Yesterday the School of Rock star (he’ll always be Dewey Finn to me) posted an Instagram video of him doing the WAP dance wearing a red Speedo. Sure, Jack’s moves weren’t as sharp as Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s, the video wasn’t done in one take, and someone’s hosing him down like a car, but the enthusiasm is there! And when it comes to the Wet Ass Pussy dance, that’s all that counts.
If someone asked you to try their “WAP drink”, you’d probably assume they wanted you to chug their, uh… hmmm, how do I put this delicately in case my mother reads this post… their pussy juices. An authentic WAP beverage, wrung straight from a bucket and a mop. But a Starbucks in Philadelphia begs to differ. Their WAP drink is white mocha, almond milk, and pumpkin spice. So a whole lotta white, creamy liquid infused with espresso and pumpkin flavor. OK, sure! Happy autumn!
Andrew Lloyd Webber has more money than God, not to mention every award imaginable––he’s one of 15 EGOTs. He is one of the most successful composers in history, responsible for dozens of huge Broadway musicals, including Cats, Evita and Jesus Christ Superstar. And even HE couldn’t turn Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s “WAP” into anything better than the original.