But What About The Bear?!!!!

Every blonde skinny lingerie/swimsuit model from here to the Czech Republic is cheering out of their panties, because their ex-piece or future ex-piece Leonardo DiCatchAHo finally won an Oscar. Leonardo is truly the talent of our time, because he was able to walk to the Oscars stage while blowing out a river of jizz through his asshole over finally winning the award he would’ve sold all of his internal organs for.

Leonardo won Best Actor for The Relevant, I mean The Revenant, and he used his time on the stage to talk about the environment. Sure, he’s probably going to celebrate his Oscar win by taking a gas-guzzling private jet ride to France where he’ll get on a yacht. But who cares. Leo cares about the environment! Get into Leo’s “just had my wisdom tooth pulled out and I’m on coke” mouth action:

But you know who he doesn’t care about? The bear from The Revenant. He didn’t thank that bitch at all. If it wasn’t for that bear, Leo wouldn’t even be on that stage, but yet he couldn’t have taken 3 seconds out of his speech to thank the ho who made it all possible? How dreadful. Leo should lose his award over that honestly. And you know who else is crying in a fetal position on a bathroom floor somewhere? Lukas Haas. Leo didn’t even throw a half-assed “thank you” at his fellow Pussy Posse member and bro-in-waiting. Cold, Leo, cold!

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

I See Kanye West Is Designing Red Carpet Gowns Now

Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.

I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.

Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.

Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kate Winslet Loves Her Soulmate Leonardo DiCaprio Too Much To Boycott The Oscars

Just in case you were thinking to yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder if Kate Winslet is going to join the #OscarsSoWhite boycott,” she’s not. Kate Winslet says she will be at the Oscars this year to support women and also because she knows that this is the year that the Susan Lucci of millionaire movie actors will finally get his paws around Oscar. Kate says she wants to be there when Leonardo DiCatchAHo wins, because he’s her bestest best friend. Ugh, these two and they’re sickly sweet talk. If they keep it up, I’m going to start to wish that door broke and Rose sunk to the bottom of the ocean with Jack. Here’s what Kate said after the BBC asked her if she’s joining the boycott:

“To be honest with you, it has been such an extraordinary year for women, I’d feel like I was letting my side down if I didn’t go. And also I feel very strongly that it may possibly be Leo’s year. And he is my closest friend in the world and I just couldn’t imagine not being there to support him.”

I would say that they need to stop and get married already, but Kate Winslet is 20 years too old and not skinny enough for him. So I hope Kate Winslet wakes up as a 22-year-old blonde skinny model who never ages and never gains weight so she and her soulmate can get married and be together forever. But seriously, even if Kate woke up as a Victoria’s Secret model, he’d still dump her after 6 months.

Pic: Getty

Kate Winslet Admits That, Yeah, Rose Pretty Much Let Jack Drown

One of the greatest drunk debates you’ll ever have about the film Titanic is – spoiler alert – whether or not Rose had enough room on that door to let Jack crawl on. According to James Cameron, Jack couldn’t climb up because the wood isn’t buoyant enough to hold both of them. MythBusters, however, called bullshit on James Cameron and proved that two people could fit on the door and that Rose totally could have scooched over. I know, RUDE.

Well, after nearly twenty years (yes twenty years; did your ass just let out a startled puff of senior colon dust too?), Rose has acknowledged what we all know to be true: that she’s a greedy door hog. During an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Monday night, Kate Winslet admitted that the ending of Titanic isn’t nearly as romantic as our dumb knockoff Heart of the Ocean necklace-wearing 13-year-old selves thought.

I like to think Jack has forgiven Rose. I also like to think that 3 seconds after Rose knocked his frozen hands off the door, he was found by a mermaid who turned him into a charming merman. Then he found the Heart of the Ocean necklace, sold it for $1.6 million fish dollars, and now he’s gills-deep in mermaid pussy. Basically, he’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s merman equivalent. Look, it’s all I can do to keep me from dwelling on the fact that a nice guy like Jack got the hump n’ dump from Rose. Actually, he got the ultimate hump n’ dump: she humped him in a car and dumped his ass in the water. That’s cold, Rose!

Pics: 20th Century Fox, Wenn.com

Kate Winslet Worshipped At The Altar Of Susan Sarandon’s Tits Last Night

I find myself staring at Susan Sarandon’s tits in that picture too and mainly because every time I look up, I see Michael Shannon throwing a creepy grin like, “Don’t tell your mother,” and it makes me want to scream for an adult.

Go ahead and file “Touching Susan Sarandon’s 69-Year-Old Chichis In Front Of A Camera At The SAG Awards” under shit that Kate Winslet doesn’t think is vulgar. I bet that this morning, the muscles in Kate Winslet’s neck are sorer than Kanye’s asshole after spending a few hours alone with a finger vibrator, because she strained every single one of them while resisting the urge to get into those titties and motorboat until her face got chapped.

Susan wanted to bring no sags to the SAGS so she put her chichis into a freakum granny bra from Frederick’s and walked the red carpet with her daughter who also brought the titty game. Forget wasting your money on that breast enlargement cream, Susan proves that what really makes your tits plump and luscious for a long time is some ping-pong boytoy jizz.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Getty

Why Do I All Of A Sudden Have A Craving For French’s Mustard?

Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).

Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:

1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.

2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.

But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).

And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.

Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com