Susan Sarandon Just Wants To Date Someone Who Has Been Vaccinated For COVID-19 And Doesn’t Care If They’re A Man Or Woman
Ah, the pandemic. Not exactly the easiest time to date. Well, not unless you’re a big fan of drinking in your underwear on the couch while donating half of your attention to a Zoom date that might end in an empty promise for a socially distanced date in a parking lot. Susan Sarandon is currently single and looking to mingle, but we all know mingling with an endless Tinder stream of untraceable strangers has been a bit of a social no-no since last March. At this point, Susan will happily date anyone, so long as they’re adventurous, and that they’ve recently been vaccinated.
Debra Messing can really put her shank down finally because Susan Sarandon has decided that she really wants to hear a bouncer angel say, “Sorry, you’re not on the list, bitch,” while trying to get into the gates of heaven by starting an all-out war (not really, not at all) with honorary earth angel Cher. But Susan threw a PLOT TWIST at us, because even though she’s on Team Biden My Tongue And Voting For Joe and Cher is fully on Team Biden, this isn’t about politics. Susan has poured some 33-year-old tea by telling us that the role of Alexandria in The Witches of Eastwick was originally hers but that Cher, seen above exquisitely working one of The Slut Dress’ ancestors, swooped in and took it from her.
I’m envious of Elizabeth Chambers who, after 10 years of marriage, was able to divorce Armie Hammer while the rest of us, after 10 long years of trying to make Armie Hammer happen, still have to endure Armie Hammer. Armie, AKA The Silver Spoon Socialist, has once again #TakentoTwitter with some political hot takes. Following in the footsteps of Susan Sarandon, Armie tweeted, then deleted, a case for “another American revolution” over voting for Joe Biden. Armie may have taken a bite out of a mushy cum filled peach, but is he ready to have Debra Messing take a bite out of him? Because other than being Megan Mullally, this is the best way to get Messinged with.
Eva Amurri, Susan Sarandon’s daughter and nepotism actress turned mommy influencer, announced in November that she and her husband of 8 years, Kyle Martino, have split up, and she made that announcement as her and Kyle’s third baby grew in her body. Being the professional over-sharer that she is, Eva let us know earlier this month that her baby, a son, was coming any day now, and when he finally knocks knocks knocks on her coochie to let her know he wants out, her estranged husband will not be allowed in the birthin’ room. Well, Eva gave birth last week. I know, I’m surprised that baby didn’t stay quarantined up in his mom’s womb over coronavirus, and also want to wait to come out until after the election is over since his newborn ears are too delicate to deal with Grandma Susan rage-screaming over Bernie Sanders losing primaries. Baby is brave.
You think Lassie is talented? Pft. Lassie is cancelled! Because Susan Sarandon‘s dog is the new dog to hit the stroll with a cultural bang! Oh you can save puppies from fires? Susan’s dog smells racism. Top. That. Bitch.
When the 2016 presidential election ended with Jabba the Trump becoming the now overlord of the Not-So-United States Of America, I had hoped that fighting rich liberal gingers, Debra Messing and Susan Sarandon, would stop pointing their Hermès-brand shanks at each other and join forces to make sure he becomes the latest one-term president. But sadly, the Democratic National Convention is not going to open with Debra and Susan holding hands while yodeling out “One Love” together, because they’re still at opposite sides of the same side. And since the 2020 presidential election has started, Debra is in the mood to give us a sequel we don’t want or need.