Johnny Depp Thanks Amber Heard For Putting Up With Him

“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”

Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.

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Kate Winslet Thinks Talking About The Gender Wage Gap Is Just Vulgar

Jennifer Lawrence wrote an essay about dudes getting paid more than chicks in Hollywood. Patricia Arquette used her time on the Oscar stage to fight pay inequality. Sharon Stone said that after Basic Instinct, nobody wanted to pay her to work. And one of my favorite British blossoms Sienna Miller said she farted on an offer to do a Broadway play after finding out she was going to get a paid a lot less than her male co-star. But well, you won’t ever find Kate Winslet Norma Rae-ing for the wage gap movement, because she thinks publicly talking about that sort of thing is trashy.

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L’Oreal Better Not Photoshop Kate Winslet’s Face Or She’ll Come After Their Asses

There are many famous types who think that throwing a picture of themselves through eighteen hundred layers of Photoshop makes themselves look 1000x better (see: every time Lindsay Lohan busts out the liquefy tool), but Kate Winslet isn’t one of them. Way way back in 2003, Kate called out GQ for jacking her body so much she looked like that time you ripped off Skipper’s head and put it on Barbie’s body. Clearly, Kate still has a page in her burn book dedicated to Adobe and their bottom bitch Photoshop.

During the ELLE Women in Hollywood event that was held earlier this week, Kate told E! News that she made L’Oreal promise they wouldn’t airbrush the Kate out of her face before she signed her contract (Kate is currently cashing checks for Lancôme, which is owned by L’Oreal) because Kate Winslet wants to look like Kate Winslet when she’s hawking $103 night cream. She also side-eyed magazines who are still trying to pass off the whole wrinkle-free 50-year-old thing.

“I can only ever speak for myself and I can only ever do things that are important to me and it’s a hope that other people might follow suit but it does feel important to me because I do think we have a responsibility to the younger generation of women.”

“I think they do look to magazines, I think they do look to women who have been successful in their chosen careers and they want people to look up to, and I would always want to be telling the truth about who I am to that generation because they’ve got to have strong leaders. We’re all responsible for raising strong young women, so these are things that are important to me.”

Beyonce/Kim Kardashian/Madonna/(insert the name of any famous person who sleeps with a stuffed plushie of the Photoshop spot healing brush tool) just forwarded Kate’s quote to their photo perfection team with the message: “Clear some space on the server. I want to be ready for when all those magazines decide to dump their copies of Photoshop and we can buy them in bulk.”

Here’s more of Kate and her SANS PHOTOSHOPPE face in a gold and white dress (I deserve all the eye rolls I got for that one) at the ELLE Women in Hollywood event last week.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Kate Winslet Says The Reason She’s Still Friends With Leo DiCaprio Is Because She Never Humped On His DiCrotchrio

Kate Winslet and the booty bounty hunter Leo DiCaprio have been friends for a million years, which always felt sort of odd to me, since it was my impression that Leo has a strict hump-and-dump policy when it comes to the ladies in his life. Well, Kate recently explained to Marie Claire UK (via HuffPo) that that is exactly the reason why they’re still friends. You can’t dump what you never humped! Leo never plunged his iceberg into the hull of Kate’s ship, and he never will! And yes I just made a Titanic joke in 2014; pray for me.

“I think the reason that friendship works is because there was never any romantic thing. It’s so disappointing for people to hear that, because in the soap opera of the Kate and Leo story we fell in love at first sight and had a million snogs, but actually we never did. He always saw me as one of the boys. I’ve never really been a girly-girl.”

Let’s just address the most important part of that quote: SNOGS. The most wonderfully British word ever created! I just pictured Leo and Kate “snogging” in a double-decker bus pulled by Prince Harry, Chummy from Call The Midwife, and a corgi in a top hat and monocle, as a chorus of come-to-life newspaper-wrapped bundles of fish and chips sang “My Heart Will Go On”.

But there’s a reason Leo and Kate never fucked, and it has nothing to do with her being “one of the boys”. I’m sure Leo would love to have sex with Kate, but it’s his dick that’s the problem! Leo’s Pants Wolf of Ball Street (his dick, in case you didn’t get that) only gets hard for bony blonde panty models. He could take a million Viagras and it still wouldn’t do a damn thing. Years of banging Victoria’s Secret models have conditioned his penis to remain soft until it smelled the overpowering scent of strawberry-vanilla body spray or until it hears Lukas Haas say the magic words (“Leo would like you to leave the angel wings on, actually”).

The Slut Dress’s Sluttier Cousin Made An Appearance At The Divergent Premiere

I guess the Slut Dress had a more important, classier engagement last night (hosting a pool party in Vegas, then giving a lap dance to a Saudi prince in exchange for vouchers for the Bebe outlet) so she sent her sluttier unemployed cousin, the Skank Dress, in her place to the Divergent premiere in Los Angeles last night.

If Skank Dress looks familiar to you, it’s because you might remember her from a small role in the movie Showgirls. But after spending most of her earnings on fixing numerous botched alterations, she had to make ends meet by getting into unlicensed Brazilian waxing and was eventually busted during a Craigslist sting. So it’s really nice to see her finally get some honest work on the body of Maggie Q. Sadly, Skank Dress was unceremoniously upstaged by human bundle of patchouli-scented sage, Shailene Woodley, and her homage to sun-kissed pubes:

It’s like she said to her stylist: “I want a dress that embodies the spirit of two pube-covered pussy lips freshly spritzed with Tropical Breeze Sun-In glistening in the hot summer sun.” Good on Shay-Lean for not only talking the talk, but walking the walk…and also for not walking the walk in those fucking toe shoes.

Here’s more of Skank Dress (and Maggie Q, but let’s be honest, she’s not the important one here) and Shay-Lean, as well as Kate Winslet, part-time James Franco impersonator Theo James, the most over-it girl at David Goldstein’s 90210-themed bar mitzvah Zoë Kravitz, and Jaden Smith, who looks like he’s traded in his signature constipated face for a shit-eating grin and the leftover wardrobe from a New Radicals music video.

Pics: Splash

ScarJo And Kate Winslet Go SANS FARDS For Vanity Fair

For Vanity Fair’s Hollywood Issue (Side note: Every EVERY every single time I see the word “Hollywood” I hear the greatest entertainer of everyone’s time, Rosa from WB Superstar USA, saying, “Hollywooood, can you handle this?”), famous types like ScarJo, Kate Winslet, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, The Mighty O and Sean Penn kept it “raw” (“That’s what my Grindr profile says!” – John Travolta) while posing for photographer Chuck Close.

Chuck Close pretty much only shoots in Polaroid, he doesn’t run his pictures through Photoshop and he wants his subjects to give him FACE! FACE! FACE! without makeup, fancy hair or fancy clothes. Chuck asked famous whores who usually get full hair and makeup for their passport photo to come SANS FARDS and with undone hair. That’s everyone cue to scream, “Lying bitch is wearing concealer! Lying bitch is wearing foundation! Lying bitch has on more paint than a Real Housewife!”

Vanity Fair posted most of the portraits and after the jump are portraits of Kate Winslet and Brad Pitt looking like a former Fabio impersonator turned train track drifter. (Note: You ARE a crazed Brangeloonie if you even think about licking that curled up nose hair.) Continue reading