Ariana Grande Latte Hates Santa Claus

Seen above fighting the urge to barf on Santa’s face and stab him with that Empire State Building statue, the Emo Betty Spaghetty doll known as Ariana Grande tells the Daily Star (via The Daily Mail) that she hates Santa Claus as much as she hates the right side of her mug. Even though the human version of an evil Yorkie puppy has a Christmas song out called “Santa Tell Me,” she says that when she thinks of Santa she feels the same thing you feel when you see her busting out her usual baby prostitute moves. She is repulsed.

“I’m repulsed by Santa. My song might sound cheerful but it’s really quite sardonic and depressing. I’m like saying, “Santa, what is your deal, bro?” I’ve had my heart broken multiple times around this time of year. I feel although it’s one of the most cheerful times of the year, I see tons of heartbreak and they make movies about it. It’s like a (Wham!) Last Christmas vibe.”

There’s always one of those “edgy” hipster toddlers on the pre-school playground who says they are so over Santa Claus.

Santa gives Ariana the voms yet she still uses his name to sell her stupid Christmas song? That shady baby bitch. But I have a feeling that something happened for Ariana to have such hate in her dark-sided heart for Santa. Either she ends up on the “asshole kids” list every year and Santa only leaves her a stocking full of shit or she not only looks like a diabolical elf, she is a diabolical elf and used to work in his workshop but was fired for being evil. I’m going with that one.

Here’s Santa’s #1 hater performing with Magica De Spell at one of those jingle balls things in Sunrise, FL on December 21st.

Pics: Wenn.com

And Now For An ‘Excuse My Beauty’ Moment From Miss Diana Ross

When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.

Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.

In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.

Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Kim Kardashian Was Presented With The Wrong Award At The British GQ Awards Last Night

I know what you’re thinking: “Of course she was presented with the wrong award! The only award that should be given to Kim Kardashian is the Drowsiest Performance in an Amateur Porno at the AVN Awards”. And while I totally agree with you (except maybe for the word “amateur”, because we all know Kim is a pro when it comes to taking a dick) sadly that wasn’t the situation last night at the British GQ Awards.

Kanye West’s cheap knock-off My Size Barbie was honored with the title of “Woman of the Year” at the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night, because I guess if Pimp Mama Kris and Satan back a dump truck full of cash into your driveway, you’ll pretty much give that hooker whatever award she wants. Kim trotted up on stage to collect her award looking like a skanky trick-turning mermaid stripper caught in a tuna net, thanked PMK and Satan and the scientist who invented Botox for making her look as slow as she actually is and the wonderful living breathing photo op that fell out of her rode-hard-put-away-never pussy. But according to The Daily Mail, it wasn’t until she zombie shuffled backstage that she realized she had been given the wrong award. As it turns out, Kim was presented with Pharrell Williams’ award for “Solo Artist of the Year”. Kim probably klued in when she saw the word solo: “This can’t be right – I’m famous for a classic male-on-female, not a solo performance. This must be meant for someone else.”

Which means that at some point last night, there was a very confused Pharrell holding a “Woman of the Year” award and thinking “How many times do I have to tell these people? I’m not Poussey from OINTB!”

And since we already know what Kim wore (trash, she wore trash) here’s everyone else who went to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London last night, including Benedict Otterface, Cara Delevingne, Daisy Lowe’s tits, Pippa Middleton because WHY?!?, and Jessie J who, like always, was a vision of low-budget escort glamour (yes even more than Kim Kardashian).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Frankie Grande’s Sister Brought True Toddler Hoochie 90s Hooker Glamour To The VMA Red Carpet

…because DUH, where else is a toddler-faced hoochie supposed to bring it? Just like how Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, the red carpet at the VMAs is the place where a sexy fetus can dress in 90s day-shift streetwalker couture and the only thing people will wonder is whether or not her skirt is short enough. You should be dressed slutty enough that someone calls both the vice squad and CPS.

Ariana Grande Latte, the sexy rhythm-deficient singing fetus and Frankie Grande’s less famous sister, did what Ariana Grande Latte do best by by showing up to the VMAs looking like she was ready to turn tricks for Milli Vanilli’s Moonman, then find a no-good Kindergartener named Raiyden to which she can sell the Moonman for a bag of animal crackers and a Capri Sun. The only thing she needs to complete the look is a purse to carry the cellphone Frankie gave her (for when he needs to call her up and prove to people that he’s related to Ariana Grande), and she’s ready to hit the stroll! Click clack, pretend to make that Playskool money, honey! Although I have to deduct points for originality, since Paisley from Toddlers & Tiaras already did it first and, to be quite honest, better. But A+ for execution, no doubt about that.

Here’s more from the VMA red carpet, including JLo (who looked bueno, but also sort of like the Madame Tussauds version of herself), Jessie J wearing an IKEA curtain panel, Iggy Azalea looking like the princess of a far away land called Strippertonia, Charli XCX looking like Marsupilami’s skanky cousin, and a very knocked-up Kelly Rowland in Heidi hair.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Nicki Minaj’s Dress Announced “I Quit This Bitch, Literally” Seconds Into Her VMA Performance

I guess Nicki Minaj’s Tupperware GladWare titties were tired of playing second fiddle to her spotlight-stealing bulbasaur ass, because last night during her performance of “Bang Bang” with Jessie J and Frankie Grande’s “mega mega popstar” sister Ariana (who looked sort of like a slutty toddler version of Julia Roberts at the 2001 Oscars) at the VMAs, her boobs broke free and tried to steal the show. When it came time for Nicki to change from her “Anaconda” costume of Poison Ivy’s underwear to a black zip-up dress for “Bang Bang”, Us Weekly says that shit backstage turned into the scene from Mean Girls where Karen struggles to zip Regina George into her Spring Fling dress, because a source claims that bitch was trying to make a too-small dress happen, and it was NOT going to happen. Continue reading

So Brave: Jessie J Comes Out As Straight

Jessie J, the love child of Magica De Spell and harsh lighting, has admitted to The Mirror (via The Independent) that she’s officially taking back that time in 2011 when she came out as bisexual. I sort of always assumed her bisexuality was just a set of training wheels on her gayelle BMX bike, but it looks like I was way off. Apparently she was about as bi as a drunk college girl trying to win $50 in a Spring Break wet t-shirt contest:

“For me, it was a phase. I feel that if I continue my career not speaking on it, I almost feel more of a liar than if I didn’t. I just want to be honest, and it’s really not a big deal. Who cares? I’m just so bored of it, and that’s kind of it – I want to stop talking about it completely now and find myself a husband.”

That’s fine, sexuality is fluid and her hoo-hoo only gets hungry for cockmeat sandwiches now, whatever. But what I really want to know is when she plans on coming out as an alagant Croatian prostitute. The people need to know! God knows if I looked like a beautiful Eastern European call girl, I’d be singing it from the rooftops of every Super 8 motel, because there’s no glamour like Polish hooker glamour, and if you’re not living for Polish hooker glamour, what the hell are you doing with your life?

Pic: Wenn