That headline woulda been a helluva lot more interesting if it cut off after the word “lovers”. Alas, Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan’s forbidden, brooding lesbian romance is just for the movie Ammonite.
Apparently “ammonite” isn’t a synonym for “Oscar bait”. It’s actually the name of prehistoric sea animals that resembled squids in shells. The film was inspired by the life of 19th-century paleontologist Mary Anning and her relationship with geologist Charlotte Murchison. Mary discovered and sold fossils on the Southern English coastline. It’s said she inspired the tongue twister “she sells seashells by the sea shore.”
Professor Cameron Diaz, Dean of Women’s Pussy Studies at Our Bodies, Ourselves University, went on Watch What Happens Live Monday night to pimp out her film The Other Woman for the 4,209,372th time (dammit Cammy, give that whore a break already! Who are you, Pimp Mama Kris?). During a round of “Plead the Fifth”, the human version of Theodore Seville Andy Cohen asked Cammy to elaborate on the remarks she made to Glamour UK about all women thinking sexual thoughts about each other by asking if she’s ever swam in “the lady pond” (Thanks Andy, I just pictured a snapping turtle floating on a raft made of tampons):
Cammy D: Yes, I have been with a lady.
Andy Cohen: More than once?
Cammy D: You didn’t ask explicitly how I was with a lady, but I have been with a lady.
All of a sudden, this picture makes a lot more sense. Cameron didn’t explain how exactly she’s been with a lady, but I’m sure she’s saving that tidbit of information for the next stop on the never-ending promotional tour for The Other Woman, along with the story of the first time she tried anal, her theories on threesomes, and an anecdote on pegging.
Now because I’m a curious loser with an unhealthy interest in the sex partners of famous people, which of her friends do we think is the other woman? (oh god, I see what you did there, marketing team for The Other Woman). Drew Barrymore is the obvious choice, since she’s the type of kind-hearted soul who would selflessly make out with anyone if it looked like they needed cheering up. Gwyneth Paltrow is out; she won’t fuck anything that hasn’t first spent a week detoxing their mind/body/spirit at an exclusive $40,000 a week retreat in a country you’ve never heard of. But my guess is she went gayelle with her pal Tom Cruise after he cut his hair into bangs and she mistook him for a mature lady who might know her way around a pussy (boy, was she ever wrong).
Jessie J, the love child of Magica De Spell and harsh lighting, has admitted to The Mirror (via The Independent) that she’s officially taking back that time in 2011 when she came out as bisexual. I sort of always assumed her bisexuality was just a set of training wheels on her gayelle BMX bike, but it looks like I was way off. Apparently she was about as bi as a drunk college girl trying to win $50 in a Spring Break wet t-shirt contest:
“For me, it was a phase. I feel that if I continue my career not speaking on it, I almost feel more of a liar than if I didn’t. I just want to be honest, and it’s really not a big deal. Who cares? I’m just so bored of it, and that’s kind of it – I want to stop talking about it completely now and find myself a husband.”
That’s fine, sexuality is fluid and her hoo-hoo only gets hungry for cockmeat sandwiches now, whatever. But what I really want to know is when she plans on coming out as an alagant Croatian prostitute. The people need to know! God knows if I looked like a beautiful Eastern European call girl, I’d be singing it from the rooftops of every Super 8 motel, because there’s no glamour like Polish hooker glamour, and if you’re not living for Polish hooker glamour, what the hell are you doing with your life?
Two of Katy Perry’s missions in life must be to become Valtrex’s MVP and the reigning Empress of the Free Clinic, because she’s already wrapped her parts around John Mayer’s most-wanted-by-the-CDC dick and last night in L.A. she put her mouth lips on Miley Cyrus’ mouth lips. What’s next? Katy’s going to do a Fireball shot out of Parasite Hilton’s asshole?
While singing her song “Adore You” during her show at the Staples Center in L.A. last night, the chipmunk Slytherin jumped down in the audience and did mouth-to-mouth with Katy Perry.
The way those two wrecks jumped back all shocked-like. They looked like two 13-year-old girls who were forced to kiss during a dare at the worst slumber party ever. Two straight pop twats doing some manufactured lesbian stuff for attention is SO SHOCKING and SO CURRENT and SO EDGY. That picture looks like a malnourished Moose Mason sucking on Veronica Lodge’s face. Katy Perry must really love topical ointments and regular visits to the free clinic, because who in Super Lysine hell would put their mouth on the mouth of a sucio ho who eats dirty thongs? Dirty thong-breathed bitch! And we already knew this, but Miley is a new kind of gross for bareback kissing a trick who has put her mouth on John Mayer’s parts. That clip would make a really good commercial for bleach. Where were the Scrubbing Bubbles when we all needed them most?
And in case you missed it, here’s
Justin Bieber Miley yodeling out the “country version” of Outkast’s “Hey Ya.”
It disturbs me that I willingly listened to that TWICE and didn’t pour whole bottles of rubbing alcohol into my ears immediately afterward. Pray 4 me.
Shakira and RiRi’s song “Can’t Remember To Forget You” (which is what I’ll be saying later when I still have this wreck of a song stuck in my head) is a direct assault on eardrums and it sounds like two rabid goats fighting over an apple, but if you’re into two pop tricks rubbing each other’s magnificent nalgitas and lezzing it up for the camera, then the video makes up for the song.
Joseph Kahn, who directed this, probably told them to pretend like they’re two cats in heat who just got attacked by billions of fleas, because they’re scratching their asses against the wall and writhing on a mattress like they need the Q-tip and a flea bath at the same time. Nomi Malone and Cristal Conners will always be the reigning Queens of fake lesbian-on-fake lesbian action, but Shakira and RiRi tried to come for their throne.
I am all for pop chicks selling it hard by dry humping on each other (see: Madge & Brit Brit, Madge & Miley, Madge & Xtina, Madge & everybody, etc….), but when are we going to finally get two pop dudes selling it to the gay gaze by grabbing on each other. And no, the Biebs and Usher don’t count.