So Brave: Jessie J Comes Out As Straight

April 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Jessie J, the love child of Magica De Spell and harsh lighting, has admitted to The Mirror (via The Independent) that she’s officially taking back that time in 2011 when she came out as bisexual. I sort of always assumed her bisexuality was just a set of training wheels on her gayelle BMX bike, but it looks like I was way off. Apparently she was about as bi as a drunk college girl trying to win $50 in a Spring Break wet t-shirt contest:

“For me, it was a phase. I feel that if I continue my career not speaking on it, I almost feel more of a liar than if I didn’t. I just want to be honest, and it’s really not a big deal. Who cares? I’m just so bored of it, and that’s kind of it – I want to stop talking about it completely now and find myself a husband.”

That’s fine, sexuality is fluid and her hoo-hoo only gets hungry for cockmeat sandwiches now, whatever. But what I really want to know is when she plans on coming out as an alagant Croatian prostitute. The people need to know! God knows if I looked like a beautiful Eastern European call girl, I’d be singing it from the rooftops of every Super 8 motel, because there’s no glamour like Polish hooker glamour, and if you’re not living for Polish hooker glamour, what the hell are you doing with your life?

Pic: Wenn

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