Open Post: Hosted By Cher Closing The Balmain Runway Show In Paris

September 29, 2022 / Posted by:

You know, I almost feel sorry for the fashion industry right now, because while Paris Fashion Week is technically still ongoing, and I’m sure there were plenty of designers looking forward to sharing their work with the world, the fashion industry as we once knew it is over. Last night on the Balmain Spring 2023 runway, The City of Light was visited by a celestial being so incandescent, so luminous and so TOIT!, that every single fluorescent, Edison, halogen, LED and automotive light bulb in the city simultaneously exploded into a billion glittering particles of stardust which floated up into the cosmos to await the return of their creator who was busy taking a bow down below. If there were more fashion shows to come, they will surely be canceled now that Cher has graced our humble planet with an astral spectacle for the ages.

One might expect, given my description of events, that Cher’s closing look for French fashion house Balmain was a shimmery, sparkly number as Cher is sometimes wont to rock. However, Cher’s infinite wattage lies within. As such, Cher was able to darken the Eiffel Tower mid-twinkle wearing only a black, marble-effect bodysuit and Frankenstein’s monster boots. But before Cher’s corporal container could be dressed, some highly scientific Vitruvian calculations had to be made.

For your protection, I advise you to don your darkest shades and turn your circuit breakers to the off position. And be extra cautious when examining that ass. Maybe squint a little. You don’t want to scramble your brain like Cher’s mortal enemy Donald Trump after looking directly into that solar eclipse.

There’s got to be a reason Balmain designer Olivier Rousteing is wearing Flintstone flip-flops, so I’m just going to assume that he’s standing on granite slabs to ground himself as a precaution against being electrocuted by a Cher surge, which, incidentally, sends a shock wave through her Swarovski crystal encrusted Nokia flip phone, causing it to spontaneously Tweet.

See, one does not simply “BOOK” ‼️Cher. She must be summoned. Otherwise, she’s too dangerous. Precautions must be taken ‼️

Pic: J/ABACA/INSTARimage/Cover Images

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