Well, it looks like Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s heave-inducing pleas for the judge to go easy on their pedophile son, Josh Duggar, fell harder than Michelle’s hair in humidity (or Jim Bob’s failed Senate campaign). Because Mr. Potato Head’s child-touching trash nephew was sentenced today to 12 and a half years in federal prison for possessing child sex abuse materials. If only cameras were allowed in the courtroom. My drug of choice today would be watching the smug fall off of Josh’s face as he was sentenced. But then again, I’m pretty sure the smug is permanently stuck to his mug.
That picture of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar standing in front of a crinkled Dollar General plastic tablecloth and hastily thrown-together balloon basket could be the inspiration for so many jokes related to their convicted creep son, Josh Duggar. Like those balloons that say “55” – that’s how many years minimum Josh should spend behind bars (with the option to auto-renew another 55 years immediately after). Or the basket and the balloons itself. Why not tie a whole bunch of balloons to a basket and release Josh into the sky, to float directly into the sun? All good options! But if you ask Michelle, she’s pleading with the court system to take pity on her son.
Yesterday, Josh Duggar was convicted on two counts of downloading and possessing child sexual abuse materials. Josh hasn’t been sentenced yet, but he’s facing 20 years for each count. And now that their son is going away to prison, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar released a statement about it. No, it’s not “We’re sorry we raised our first-born son to be a child predator.” But they sure do name-drop God a lot. When reached for comment, God said: “I don’t know her.”
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What do you do when your basic cable shows have been canceled, your reputation is in tatters, and you’ve got a creep son who’s up on child pornography charges? Get into politics! The indestructible Jim Bob Duggar has had enough of being out of the limelight and plans to terrorize us further by running for Arkansas State Senate District 7. What did Arkansas do to deserve this?
All in all, it’s been a good year for punting longstanding, depressingly popular, reality-family freak shows off the air. Society finally managed to rid itself of the vapid, 20-season, shrieking shrew-fest that was KUWTK, and now we learned earlier this week that TLC has stepped up and shoved a rusty IUD and day-late, dollar-short condom on the busted Duggar birthing machine that was Counting On. The serial-birthing architects of this Quiverfull-driven empire, Jim Bob Duggar and his wife, Michelle Duggar, have now issued statements in response to the show’s cancellation.
Many have a microwave bag of popcorn in their kitchen cabinet marked “Reserved For The Fall Of The Duggars,” and well, you may soon be able to pull that out, pop it, season it with some holy water and frankincense, and toss satisfying kernel after satisfying kernel into your mouth while watching the Duggars get theirs. Because there’s several reports claiming that Homeland Security raided the Duggar’s compound in Tontitown, Arkansas over the weekend, and a rep for HSI confirmed that they were there as part of an ongoing federal criminal investigation. But since the Duggar’s First Commandment is Thou Shalt Lie To Save Face, they are clutching their version of the bible (read: bank records and legal documents they probably don’t want the feds to see) all surprised-like at this “fake news.”