The Bright Shining A-List Stars Really Came Out For The People’s Choice Awards Last Night

I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.

Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.

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Open Post: Hosted By Aubrey O’Day As A Slutty Cruella de Vil

YES! You know that Slutoween has officially begun when a Z-list flower does herself up like a skankified version of a Disney cartoon character to go to some men’s magazine party. I needed something to cleanse my eyeballs of Colton Haynes’ nightmare-inducing skinny Ursula, and thankfully, Aubrey O’Day came along looking like Slutella de Vil at a Maxim Halloween party.

You know, I was going to call Maxim’s Halloween party a bootleg Playboy party, but I’d rather go to a Maxim party. Because at a Maxim party, you don’t have to feel your skin crawl as you watch Hugh Hefner pick out which plastic blondes he wants in his sad sex line of terror and you don’t have to worry about tackling a trick after seeing Bill Cosby hand her a drink. Besides, at a Playboy party, will you see this bronzer-covered rose looking like Cruella de Vil if Cruella de Vil finally went to prison for animal cruelty, got out and had to trade hand jobs for her fix (Dalmatian pelts) in the alley of a dog shelter? I think not! (No, I doubt Aubrey O’Day gets invited to Playboy parties anymore, but that’s not the point!)

Pics: Splash

What In The Hell Are You Doing To Your Tits?

Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.

While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)

It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.

Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

What In Deadliest Catch Hell?

If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People’s Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can’t get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It’s a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People’s Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.

Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I’m assuming she’s got a glam team (or “barf team” to those of us who don’t have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, “We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm.” Don’t get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn’t be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might’ve worked if they dropped a Gorton’s Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn’t and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.

And here’s a few more from last night’s The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma’s sun room).

Broadway Has Gone To The Mop Heads

Grab everything in your refrigerator’s produce bin and bust your ass to Broadway, because Mop Head is going to clean up the stage in Chicago. A smashed tomato will look so lovely all over her head. WHAT?! She can easily clean it up just by wringing her hair out over a bucket.

People is saying that my arch rival (in my head) CHERYL BURKE was at last night’s of performance of Chicago and is talking to the producers about playing Roxie Hart in the show this winter. Some source added, “It’s always been a dream of Cheryl’s to perform on Broadway. She’s excited to show off her other talents besides being a good dancer. She’s been vocally trained and she has a great voice.”

And I’ve been told that my farts have a pretty vibrato, but that doesn’t mean my asshole should play Roxie Hart in Chicago. Okay, okay, I’ll save my cuntified comments for when I actually hear Mop Head belt one out. Although, my guess is that her voice will cause my finger nails to burst and my ears to shrivel up, so it might be a little difficult sharing my opinion. Besides, everyone knows that when it comes to household cleaning supplies, Swiffer is the one with the voice!

(Thanks to ONTD)

Dancing With The Has-Beens: No Dollar Store Trophy For Mop Head

CHERYL BURKE’S black magic voodoo spells have backfired yet again! People reports that her partner Tom Delay will announce on tonight’s episode of Dancing with Faces from the Milk Carton that he has to quit that shit due to foot injuries. Tom suffered stress fractures in both of his hooves after Mop Head accidentally sat on them during rehearsals. I made that last part up.

On last night’s episode, Tom said that the doctors and producers urged him to stop dancing, but he loves torturing Mop Head (and us) so he said he was going to go on with the “party.”

But the pain of seeing Mop Head’s face on a daily basis has become unbearable, so Tom has no choice but to bow out. More importantly, Mop Head HAS LOST! I will be dancing around in my living room with my Swiffer while she eats her sorrows away at the craft service table. That table doesn’t know what’s coming.

And here’s Tom and Mop Head’s final performance from last night. Your stomach should be happy too since it won’t get seizures anymore while having to watch Tom thrust it like a Bill Clinton.