The Cast Of “Dancing With The Stars” Season 31 Was Announced

And now for the biggest news story of the day: the new Dancing with the Stars cast members have been announced! Yesterday, TikTok girl Charli D’Amelio and her mom Heidi D’Amelio (I thought this was the one who was PR-fucking the “Yung Gravy” character, but, nope, that’s Addison Rae’s mom) went on Good Morning America to announce they were on Season 31. Then, this morning, the other fourteen cast members went on GMA to reveal themselves. They include Selma Blair, Shangela, Cheryl Ladd, Wayne Brady, Joseph Baena (aka the secret son Arnold Schwarzenegger had with his housekeeper), and Teresa Giudice. Oh shit, they booked Teresa? Quick, bolt down anything on set that can be rage-flipped!

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What In The Hell Are You Doing To Your Tits?

Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.

While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)

It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.

Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Wayne Brady Is Chasing Chilli’s Waterfalls (Whatever That Means)

Finally, I can sleep again; I spent so many nights after the cancellation of What Chilli Wants lying awake, wondering “Will 1/3 of Gramming-winning supergroup TLC, Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas, EVER find love?!?” It was really touch-and-go for a while; some days, I could barely summon the will to leave my bed and shuffle to the fridge for more Baileys and Club Soda (I call it a Fizzy Shame).

Chilli has a reason to smile again (or at least turn that frown she got from seeing VH1’s terrible TLC movie upside down) because Us Weekly is reporting that she’s currently dating the man who makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X, Wayne Brady. Instead of the standard relationship confirmation (getting coffee together) they instead engaged in some hardcore hand-holding after a TLC show at the MGM in Las Vegas:

“They were so cute, stopping to take pictures with fans,” an eyewitness tells Us of the night out. “He kept her close to him the whole time.” Mid-show, Chilli also gave the Emmy-award winning star a shout-out during the set and brought him on stage. (Chilli and Lil Mama performed for a private party MGM threw for their employees.)

“It has only been two weeks but they really like each other,” a source adds. “They’ve been friends for years but there has always been this flirtation. Both of them had a hard time being single, so they love dating a friend and someone in the business. They make a really great couple.”

They don’t mention how these two re-connected, but I can guess it went a little something like this:

After becoming dizzy and disoriented from the chemicals in the body paint used for her recent PETA shoot, Chilli wandered high out of her mind around Fairfax till she reached the CBS studios. Trying any unlocked door, she eventually found herself on the set where Wayne Brady films that game show where people dress up in stupid costumes (aka what the nursing home changes the channel to when The Price is Right isn’t coming in clear). Thinking she was just another loopy contestant hoping to win a blender or a trip to Scottsdale, AZ, Wayne called her to the stage to play some kind of Plinko rip-off, and began to recognize her through the layers up makeup, hay-covered weave, and slurring the lyrics to Creep. Wow, that was beautiful; I should write romance novels.

(Pics via Wenn)