Dancing With The Has-Beens: Where The Wild Things Aren’t!

Last night’s premiere of Dancing with the Sores was filled with your basic shit like: fake smiles, clenched nalgas, whack toupees (nod to Donny Osmond), meth mugs (nod to Aaron Carter) and limp wrists (nod to Mark Dacascos). That’s until my arch rival CHERYL BURKE and her partner former house majority leader Tom DeLay took to the dancefloor. This performance should be used by the Jigsaw Killer to slowly torture his victims. Seriously, when it was done, my ass was bleeding and my hand was reaching for the phone to call 911.

The hilarious embarrassed look on Mop Head’s face wasn’t even enough to help me shake the image of Tom DeLay thrusting his booty hole, mugging to Bruno and popping that crotch. And the fact that Mop Head was thrusting right next to him made it all the more terrifying. How did this get past the FCC?! I’d rather be attacked by a million of Janet Jackson’s pierced nipples then have to see that shit again.

Okay, okay, I’ll admit that I want Mop Head and Tom DeLay to win so I can get some satisfaction out of seeing her dry up inside when he humps on her during the Samba.

AND I’ll also admit that Tom DeLay really did bring the sex thanks to his “t-shirt tucked into his sweatpants” look. That’ll do it.

Mop Head Is A Genius

Dancing with the Soon-To-Be ER Patients hasn’t even premiered yet and it has already suffered its first injury. People reports that CHERYL BURKE’S partner, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, wrecked his foot yesterday after he tried to pull it out of his mouth. No, he effed it up during rehearsal and had to shuffle off to the hospital. Tom didn’t have a stress fracture in his hoof, so doctors gave him the go-ahead to continue rehearsing. The show will go on.

When I first read this shit, I figured Mop Head’s voodoo black magic powers back(fat)fired on her. But now the more I think about it, it’s clear that Mop Head was trying to take her own partner out! It’s obvious that Tom DeLay has the rhythm of a toilet. So CHERYL BURKE sprinkled her powers of destruction (aka a few splashes of Mop ‘N Glo) all over the floor hoping he would slip, fall and break a bone or twenty. That way he’d have to bow out and Mop Head would get a new partner. Smart mop.

Thankfully, Mop Head’s powers are a little rusty, so she was unable to complete her mission…THIS TIME. Mop Head will try again, so Tom should beware and keep a Swiffer at his side at all times.

Oh, What A Beautiful Pair!

HAHAHAHAHA! My recurring nightmare CHERYL BURKE is stuck with former Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for the new season of Dancing For A Check! Thank Cheesus they didn’t give Mop Head a hot piece.

You don’t know how many delicious dinners were absolutely ruined last season thanks to Mop Head getting all horny around Gilles Marini’s toasted skin baguette. Seriously, my stomach turned inside/out every time CHERYL BURKE looked at Gilles with those “fuckme” eyes like she was all ready to soak up his sex juices with her mop head. Vom, wipe, vom, wipe, vom….

I’m not going to put my barf bucket away just yet, because the minute Mop Head rubs all over Tom all sexy-like, I will not be able to control myself. Knowing her skanky ass, she will.

The rest of the couples have also been announced. Just nod and pretend like you know who all of these whores are. I even tried Googling the name of a bitch I didn’t recognize and it came back with, “Nevah heard of him.” The couples are:

Mya and Dmitri Chaplin
Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas
Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova
Ashley Hamilton and Edyta Sliwinska
Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff
Kathy Ireland and Tony Dovolani
Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo
Louie Vito and Chesie Hightower
Chuck Liddell and Anna Trebunskaya
Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson
Tom DeLay and Mop Head
Macy Gray and Jonathan Roberts
Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough
Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer
Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel

VIA People

CHERYL BURKE Is At It Again

Last night on Dancing with the Irrelevant, Melissa, the bitch who has no business being there in the first place, didn’t dance live due to an injury. Last week, Melissa busted her McRib which caused a hairline fracture. Cut to Vivica Fox screaming, “Bitch stole my hairline!”

Because Melissa’s pussy ass wasn’t able to shake it off and perform, the judges had to score her half-assed rehearsal video. Melissa must have been well enough to get her ass on Facebook, because she left this message (via UsWeekly), “I was doing alright but went to the doc before dress rehearsal for some last minute treatment and ended up having a bad reaction that’s affecting my breathing. Hopefully (fingers crossed) I’ll be good tomorrow. But thank you for all the love, support and votes! We need it!”

VOTES?! Melissa didn’t even get her ass out there and dance. Sympathy votes should not count! Kick the trick out the door and let the real bitches play. I mean, Lil’ Kim dances every week with a face so tight that it makes her knees buckle and she still manages to turn it out.

That being said, it looks like CHERYL BURKE is back to stirring her cauldron. Mop Head has been pretty quiet for a couple of weeks. Before the season started, she stuck her pins into voodoo dolls and claimed a few victims, but kept it on the down low after that. Well, she’s back and going after her biggest competition! Mop Head sprinkled her black magic all over Melissa and cackled as she fell. If CHERYL BURKE wins this mess again, I will file the necessary documents to divorce this show forever. Evil Mop Head shouldn’t prevail this time.

The only reason she was cast again this season was for the clip below. Skip to the 1:30 mark below. I’ve worn this video out like a favorite vibrator.

Gilles meant to do that. HAHAHA. That’s where that trick’s head belongs. On the ground, mopping up the filth! Stay down, bitch! You missed a spot.

DWTS: A Postcard From Hell

Last night’s premiere of Dancing with the Sores gifted me with the most horrific image that is now burned into the side of my brain. This is what I will see hanging over my bed of nails in my cell in Hell. There will be a frame made out of CROCS surrounding it.

Why did that hot dick from Sex and the City have to run his finger in between CHERYL BURKE’S stale donut balls? You know she put him up to that illegal shit. Horny ass CHERYL BURKE was practically foaming at the mop head over him. I’m pretty sure that next week she’s going to choreograph a dance which involves her licking his taint. Mop Head is so transparent. I just want to wring the filth out of her! And there’s a lot.

The rest of the episode played out like an episode of fucking Identity. Even when they played their bios, you still had no fucking idea who the bitch was. Like that boring fucking ho from The Bachelor who I just want to forget. This ho made Holly Madison look like the most accomplished whore in the world. You know it’s a fucking mess when Harold Wheeler, the musical director, is more famous than one of the stars. Of course, the bitch was good. First of all, her ass is a damn ra-ra cheerleader. Second of all, she doesn’t have a damn job so she can fucking practice all day and all night! It’s not fair. But I hope the producers get wise and dump her ass in the next couple of weeks. And you know they are going to bring Jason back on to do the honors. They are milking that Bachelor shit.

As for the whores who didn’t cause my eyes to roll like I was fucking Wino after a heroin fix, there were only two. That was Lil’ Kim and The Woz. My eyes didn’t roll with Lil’ Kim, because they were too busy trying to figure out her face. HER FACE. I just want to throw a q-tip at her and watch her go crazy. She’s like a surprised cat 24-hours a day. If you threw a sombrero on her head and placed her on the It’s A Small World ride at Disneyland, nobody would even suspect she doesn’t belong. Because of this, she’s actually entertaining to watch. And I’m just waiting for the day her face finally pops off and goes flying through the studio like a frisbee.

Now for The Woz. The Woz! He’s like Teddy Ruxpin on massive amounts of ludes after getting a 20-man train ran on him. From his first step to his last, my mouth was wide open. It was a fucking glorious wreck. He needs to do weddings and funerals. And the fact that he was paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice made it even better. The Woz better win this shit or at least stay until the end. The world needs to see him shake that hairy bear ass during the mambo. Click here if you missed this beautiful disaster.

My prediction on who is going back to irrelevancy next week is: Denise Richards or Belinda Carlisle
My prediction on who CHERYL BURKE will work her black magic on next is: Holly Madison

This Isn’t Cute

The only thing CHERYL BURKE should be on the cover of is a barf bag to help you along. Seriously, I was going to have a cup of Dinty Moore for an afternoon snack, but now I don’t have to. I just have to swallow the vom coming up my throat.

As you can unfortunately see, my arch rival is on the cover of this week’s TV Guide. There’s also a typo. It should read “old turd,” not “new ‘tude.”

Inside, CHERYL BURKE once again whines about how she was called a fat fuck by the media. Mop Head blamed her chunkiness on birth control pills, “I decided over the summer to stop taking birth control pills. I did it thinking that I was going to lose more weight for the season. But it actually did the opposite. It made me gain weight.”

How she is able to gain weight still boggles my brains. With the gallons of diarrhea that comes spewing out of her mouth, she should be as skinny as Posh Beckam’s clit. Mop Head needs to eat a tampon.

And she’s got a new man. He’s a model. He’s 21. He lives in NYC. His name is Maxwell Zagorski. He disgusts me. Humping a raggedy, dirty mop is not right. It’s wrong. It’s illegal in most states. Mops are for cleaning the bathroom floor, not for cleaning your genitals! SUCIONESS!

Here’s a few pictures of Mop Head and her latest victim. For the record, I would not hit anything that has been tainted by CHERYL BURKE. Okay, I would. I really have no shame.