Night Crumbs
Prince William and Duchess Kate are moving their family away from London to Windsor and one of the reasons for their move is so they can be closer to their kids’ fancy new private school. But well, the anti-monarchy group called Republic is disgusted that P. Willy and Kate are getting a third house while many Brits can barely afford to pay rent or mortgage on their one home. Royal commentators have also thrown a side-eye at the Cambridges’ new home with one commentator saying that it’s a reminder that the royals “don’t suffer from the cost of living crisis and a looming recession in the same way as the rest of us.” Meanwhile, P. Willy may or may not be nervously thinking, “Oh yes, we just have the three homes, and I do NOT have a secret fourth place that houses a pegging dungeon for my side piece and me. Not at all!” – Newsweek
Allison Janney as a badass, grizzled loner who is not the one?! Inject it directly into my eyeballs! – Pajiba
Sylvester Stallone’s Rep Responds To Rumors That His Marriage Is On The Rocks (UPDATE)
UPDATE: Well, it looks like Sly and Jennifer did head to Splitsville after all. TMZ says she filed for divorce after 25 years of marriage and has accused him of trying to hide marital assets.
Here’s the original post:
California water violator Sylvester Stallone has been married to third wife Jennifer Flavin since 1997. They have three daughters: Sophia, Sistine, and Scarlet. 25 years of marriage in Hollywood is basically the real world equivalent of a Mormon “celestial marriage” (aka forever), but, this week, some speculated that the couple’s relationship was deader than Apollo Creed in Rocky IV. The Daily Mail reported that 76-year-old Sly got his giant bicep tattoo of Jennifer’s face covered up with an image of his old bull mastiff Butkus (who also appeared as Rocky’s dog in the first two films). There’s also the fact that 54-year-old Jennifer wasn’t following her husband on Instagram anymore, and she posted a pic with her three daughters with the caption, “Nothing else matters. The 4 of us forever.” Even though all signs point to Splitsville, Sly’s rep told the Daily Mail that, actually, this is all just one giant misunderstanding. Much like the time we thought Sly was into QAnon.
Scott Disick Stepped Out On A Date With Kimberly Stewart And Wrecked His Lamborghini All Within 24 Hours
Scott Disick has had a rough year, seeing as the mother of his three children, gravy train, and one true love (read: the woman who put up with his shit the longest), 43-year-old Kourtney Kardashian, got married to her partner in public dry humps and sperm supplier, Travis Barker, 46. After Scott and Kourtney broke up for good, Scott’s other love interests included 19-year-old Amelia Hamlin and 20-year-old Sofia Richie, so it stood to reason that Scott would continue running through the youngins (since he says he looks like one himself) during his post-Kourtney angst, but surprisingly, The Daily Mail says that he went on a date this weekend with the 42-year-old daughter of Rod Stewart and ubiquitous early 2000s Hollywood hanger-on, Kimberly Stewart. Kimberly has a daughter with Benicio del Toro, so between being close in age with Scott and her also having an understanding of the trials and tribulations of parenthood, it seemed like this could be a good match and that Scott’s luck might be looking up. Except, Scott then wrecked his Lamborghini into a mailbox while speeding on Sunday morning, a mere hours after his and Kimberly’s date. Damn you, Kardashian Kurse!
Meghan Markle Finally Released The First Episode Of Her Spotify Podcast “Archetype” Featuring Guest Serena Williams
It only took two years, several awkward family reunions, a funeral, a new baby, a canceled Netflix show, a Platinum Jubilee and an appearance on the cover of Time Magazine as one of the world’s most influential people, but Meghan Markle has finally released a scant hour of content for her long-ballyhooed Archwell Audio podcast for Spotify called Archetypes. While the true scope of her influence may still be an intangible, incalculable variable, if Meghan manages to convince even just one listener to eat horse paste, she’ll have beat Joe Rogan at his own game.
Open Post: Hosted By Nicole Kidman Showing Off Her Guns On The Cover Of Perfect Magazine
Nicole Kidman and her insanely muscular arms grace the cover of the September issue of Perfect magazine. Like… what? Since when? Why? How? The only thing crazier than those biceps is the fucked up red wig atop 55-year-old Nicole’s head. It looks like someone started to give herself an at-home haircut and got bored halfway through.
Who Is July’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
July 2022 may feel like it was 145 years ago (or 145 seconds ago, depending on how your summer is going), but let’s go back to the seventh month of the year to vote for who will be its Hot Slut of the Month. And this HSOTM contest is a highly HISTORIC one because usually we have four finalists and this time we have five thanks to a tie. So mark this day. And there’s also a posthumous HSOTM finalist among your choices. Sadly, Queen Freya was cruelly killed by Norweigan officials after humans wouldn’t leave her alone and she was seen as a threat to human safety. Well, Freya is the opposite of a threat here, unless you’re talking about her threatening us with a boat-sinking leisurely time.
The first four HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes, and the fifth was picked by me. I went with the glorious tombstone peen topper because I permanently have dick on the brain. Your choices for July are:
Freya, the walrus who left her home in the Arctic due to clime change and went on a tour through Europe where she elegantly lounged on boats, sometimes sinking them, and became an IT girl of Norway. And as I sadly mentioned above, Freya is now peacefully sinking boats and luxuriously napping in a human-less heaven.
Bonnie Closier, the dog who went missing from her house in England and later turned up after winning third prize in a dog beauty contest. Seriously, excuse Bonnie’s beauty, because she’s winning beauty pageants without even trying!
ATM Kitty, the kitten who somehow got trapped in an ATM in Texas and needed rescuing. Hopefully, ATM Kitty is now sipping sparkling catnip water on a tropical beach after rejoining her gang of thieving kittens who got away with all the cash they stole from that ATM. Yes, I’m guessing that’s why ATM kitty was in that ATM in the first place.
The Time Capsule Burger King, the Burger King at Concord Mall in Wilmington, DE that closed in 2006 and was hidden behind a wall until a video tour of it went viral and reminded us all of the sophisticated fast food decors of the late-80s.
Doña Cata’s Tombstone Peen Monument, the giant statue of a dick that is the grave ornament of Mexican great-abuelita, Doña Cata. Before Doña Cata died at 99, she told her family that her dying wish was for them to erect a tribute to vergas (Mexican slang for dick) on her gravestone. She always saw the verga as a symbol of strength and it was her family emblem of sorts. They smartly made her wish come true and now she’s holding court in a Mexican cemetary as the Queen of Vergas!
Voting is below! The winning HSOTM will be crowned in this space and in Crumbs on Monday, August 29.
UPDATE: Freya, the Queen of Lounging and Sinking Ships, is now July’s Hot Slut Queen. Freya easily won with nearly 46% of the votes. Thanks to all who voted!
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