Who Is July’s Hot Slut Of The Month?

July 2022 may feel like it was 145 years ago (or 145 seconds ago, depending on how your summer is going), but let’s go back to the seventh month of the year to vote for who will be its Hot Slut of the Month. And this HSOTM contest is a highly HISTORIC one because usually we have four finalists and this time we have five thanks to a tie. So mark this day. And there’s also a posthumous HSOTM finalist among your choices. Sadly, Queen Freya was cruelly killed by Norweigan officials after humans wouldn’t leave her alone and she was seen as a threat to human safety. Well, Freya is the opposite of a threat here, unless you’re talking about her threatening us with a boat-sinking leisurely time.

The first four HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes, and the fifth was picked by me. I went with the glorious tombstone peen topper because I permanently have dick on the brain. Your choices for July are:

Freya, the walrus who left her home in the Arctic due to clime change and went on a tour through Europe where she elegantly lounged on boats, sometimes sinking them, and became an IT girl of Norway. And as I sadly mentioned above, Freya is now peacefully sinking boats and luxuriously napping in a human-less heaven.

Bonnie Closier, the dog who went missing from her house in England and later turned up after winning third prize in a dog beauty contest. Seriously, excuse Bonnie’s beauty, because she’s winning beauty pageants without even trying!

ATM Kitty, the kitten who somehow got trapped in an ATM in Texas and needed rescuing. Hopefully, ATM Kitty is now sipping sparkling catnip water on a tropical beach after rejoining her gang of thieving kittens who got away with all the cash they stole from that ATM. Yes, I’m guessing that’s why ATM kitty was in that ATM in the first place.

The Time Capsule Burger King, the Burger King at Concord Mall in Wilmington, DE that closed in 2006 and was hidden behind a wall until a video tour of it went viral and reminded us all of the sophisticated fast food decors of the late-80s.

Doña Cata’s Tombstone Peen Monument, the giant statue of a dick that is the grave ornament of Mexican great-abuelita, Doña Cata. Before Doña Cata died at 99, she told her family that her dying wish was for them to erect a tribute to vergas (Mexican slang for dick) on her gravestone. She always saw the verga as a symbol of strength and it was her family emblem of sorts. They smartly made her wish come true and now she’s holding court in a Mexican cemetary as the Queen of Vergas!

Voting is below! The winning HSOTM will be crowned in this space and in Crumbs on Monday, August 29.

UPDATE: Freya, the Queen of Lounging and Sinking Ships, is now July’s Hot Slut Queen. Freya easily won with nearly 46% of the votes. Thanks to all who voted!

Pics: Twitter, Paula Closier, New Castle County Government, Facebook, Twitter