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July 29, 2022 / Posted by:

A Grandma’s Giant Dick Grave!

Catarina Orduña Pérez is a name I just learned yesterday, but it’s a name that now has a special place in my memory box because she is a legend among legends and a peen icon . Why? In a piece for Vice, journalist Nathaniel Janowitz writes that before floating off to the giant peen in the sky, Catarina Orduña Pérez, who was known as Doña Cata in the small Mexican town she lived in, gave her final wish. She wanted a humongous dick and a pair of balls mounted onto her grave. And now I need to add “mount a humongous dick and a pair of balls onto my grave” to the list of final wishes I drunkenly scribbled onto the back of a bill envelope while watching some commercial about setting up wills and trusts in the middle of the night. Because if I have a giant dick on top of my grave, I can get dicked down until the end of time!

Doña Cata was many things during her 99 years of life. She was a bright shining light in her family, a mother, an abuelita, and a great-abuelita. And she was such an important and trusting figure in her town of Misantla that politicians tried to get her endorsement. Another big thing (and I mean a BIG thing) about Doña Cata was that she was a peen lover after our own peen-loving hearts. Doña Cata loved dick and she’d say that her family was full of “vergas.” Now, if you heard Doña Cata saying that her family is full of vergas and you know what vergas meant (it’s slang for cock), you’d probably say, “You’re related to the Trumps?!” But she meant vergas in a good way. One of Doña Cata’s grandsons, Álvaro Mota Limó, tells Vice that she was a free thinker, and punned it up while explaining why verga was a family emblem to her.

Doña Cata instilled the message to her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren that they were vergas and could accomplish whatever they wanted, especially the women, in a country steeped in machismo, said Mota Limón. Many members of the family went on to wide-ranging careers. His sister got her doctorate degree. Mota Limón himself completed two masters degrees and even became mayor of the town for a period.

Mota Limón recalled how his grandmother “saw life with great optimism and that problems shouldn’t overwhelm us.” She conceptualized that idea to the family with the metaphor of a penis, meaning when you’re verga, “one should not give up. When problems arose, you needed to face them head-on.”

“She always said, in the Mexican sense, that we were vergas,” said Mota Limón.

There are few words in Mexican slang as dynamic as “verga,” which is perhaps best translated in English as “cock” due to its general use as a profanity. Depending on how it’s phrased, “verga” can be a brutal insult, telling someone to go fuck themselves (vete a la verga) or that they’re not worth shit (vales verga). Or it can be a compliment, a badge of honor, that if something is “verga,” it is cool or badass.

Doña Cata often used it with that sort of colloquial pride when referring to the members of her family as vergas, according to her grandson; that they were people of moral fortitude, with “integrity, courage, passion, and at the same time, love and joy,” said Mota Limón.

Years before Doña Cata’s death, she told her family that she wanted a monument to dick erected on her grave. I mean, it makes sense that Misantla’s Queen of Vergas wanted a grave fit for the Queen of Vergas. Álvaro says that his family thought she was joking at first but realized she was totally serious. Doña Cata doesn’t joke about dick! And when Doña Cata left this world on January 20, 2021, her family decided to grant her wish. They got a local engineer to make it. The engineer wasn’t surprised about Doña Cata’s last request since she “broke taboos.” It took a team of 12 about one month to create the gorgeous verga and huevos grave ornament. And here’s the beautiful final product as well as a video of the Queen of Vergas herself:

Álvaro says that most people in the town love it but there are a few who throw holy water at it while screaming, “SUCIO!” But I don’t know why. It’s going to bring money to their town! I mean, it’s now a major spiritual site for us peen worshipers, and many will make the pilgrimage to Misantla to bow down before the holy verga-topped grave of the Patron Saint of BVE!

Pics: Twitter

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