The ancient port city of Portofino, Italy was invaded over the weekend by a slavering hoard of
Gauls ghouls who breached the fortified walls of the famed Castello Brown and held what appears to have been some sort of Satanic ritual. Townsfolk reportedly heard their sinister machinations (“I, like, totally do,” “bro, same!”) and the screams of the innocent (Scott Disick from 6,000 miles away) well into the early morning hours. Fortunately, no virgins were sacrificed because no virgins could be found. People reports that Travis Barker has made an honest woman out of Kourtney Kardashian for the third time this year in a ceremony that could only be described as comically tacky. The bride wore white and little else.
The ceremony was actually held at L’Olivetta, fashion house Dolce & Gabana’s private villa before the party moved on to the Kardashians’ rented castle for a reception that included performances by world famous (and blissfully blind) tenor Andrea Bocelli and some guy named Machine Gun Kelly. In attendance were the bride’s sisters Kim and Khloe Kardashian and Kylie and Kendall Jenner and her mom Kris Jenner who somehow didn’t get the memo that the girls would be wearing their reject outfits from the 2018 Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination Met Gala and instead dressed for the 2023 theme which I hear is going to be Manana: A Celebrational Muppetational. The couple were officially wed last week in a civil ceremony in Santa Barbara, California. This one was literally just for show. According to People:
Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker have found their fairy-tale ending!
The newlyweds tied the knot at L’Olivetta, a villa owned by Dolce & Gabbana in Portofino, Italy on Sunday surrounded by their closest friends and family. The reception was hosted at a nearby 16th-century castle, Castello Brown.
Shortly after saying “I do,” Kardashian shared a series of photos from their wedding ceremony, simply captioning the shots “happily ever after.”
Here are some pics from the ceremony. The Daily Mail describes Kourtney’s ill-fitting luxury adult diaper as “a figure-hugging minidress that showed off her lithe legs, and clung to her curvaceous figure,” and Page Six notes that her Virgin Mary veil is “based on Barker’s large head tattoo featuring the same religious iconography and text.” That’s cute and all but I think an embroidered scorpion sealed with an imprint of her own lips, like the one Travis used to cover up his ex-wife Shanna Moakler‘s name with, would have been funnier.
I’m pretty sure she ain’t got no pannies on. Looks like she just tucked a napkin over her taint and called it a day. Probably Kim’s idea. As for the reception, guests were whisked away on speedboats and led through a tunnel to Castello Brown. Tom Cruise did it first and better in Mission Impossible: Kidnap Katie Holmes. He even had Andrea Bocelli first! E! News reports:
Now, try and keep up with this star-studded lineup of performances. Kicking things off was an Italian cabaret with dancers celebrating from every spot in the room. “All of the guests were going crazy over it,” the insider noted. “It was very interactive and fun.”
Later, Andrea Bocelli (joined by his son Matteo Bocelli) sang a few songs, including “I Found Love in Portofino” and “Can’t Help Falling in Love.”
Afterwards, DJ Cassidy took the stage as Kourtney—who took some celebratory shots with Kylie and Kendall—danced to hits like Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” with Khloe and Kim (Kim’s daughter North West also hit the dance floor). And when the DJ played “All the Small Things” by blink-182, Travis and his bandmate Mark Hoppus, naturally, rocked out. They kept the energy going when Machine Gun Kelly performed his hit “Bloody Valentine,” with fiancée Megan Fox cheering him on.
Naturally, for the reception, everybody opted to slip into something a little less comfortable (for us to witness). Kourtney and Travis wore matching white leather jackets emblazoned with Mr. and Mrs. Baker on the back, respectively. And it wouldn’t be a K&T wedding without a little gratuitous PDA (public display of attention).
I’m like damn, why are they all so orange? How much Aperol did these ghouls drink?