Night Crumbs
The tale of the Boat-Sinking Queen of Norway and HSOTD, Freya, has ended on a very tragic, gross note. Freya the walrus left the Arctic and began a tour through Europe where she eventually ended up in Norway and became famous for sinking boats she was trying to lounge on. Since Freya became thee IT girl of Norway, people could not stay away from her and crowds followed her. How did wildlife authorities deal with this? Those motherfuckers killed Freya “based on an overall assessment of the continued threat to human safety.” So Freya was forced out of her home because of climate change and then she was the one punished with death when humans kept bothering her!? Just more proof that Freya was too good for this world. She’s now in heaven where she’s napping and sinking boats in peace – BuzzFeed
Johnny Depp, director of the critically-acclaimed 90s Oscar-sweeper The Brave (and by “critically acclaimed 90s Oscar sweeper,” I mean a flop nobody watched), is making his triumphant return to directing! – Pajiba
Melanie Lynskey says that a psychic predicted that her show Yellowjackets was going to be a hit. And that psychic was right! But still, that psychic doesn’t have anywhere near the skills of the psychic who once told me that I would meet my “future wife” at a “church party.” And they said that with a straight face (which is the opposite of my face) – Celebitchy
Creepy Drake better not even think of bothering Millie Bobby Brown with his texts and DMs, because she’s really got more important things to do now that she’s enrolled in online classes at Purdue University – USA Today
Charlie Hunnam and Morgana McNelis, the girlfriend he ghosted in the name of his ART, were papped leaving that ridiculously overpriced grocery store that makes Whole Foods look like Dollar Tree. They don’t look too upset for a couple who just spent most people’s yearly salary on organic snow leopard milk and bottles of beluga whale tears – Lainey Gossip
Duchess Kate and Prince William better start practicing hiding behind potted plants and under Corgis if they want to avoid more awkward run-ins with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Because next month, Harry and Meghan are taking their charity tour to the UK before heading to Germany – Gawker
Because we don’t have enough Oz movies, Warner Bros. is doing another “reimagining” of The Wizard of Oz and Kenya Barris has been hired to do the job – The Hollywood Reporter
NOT, YOU TOO, MARTHA! It looks like even Martha Stewart has been dickmatized by Pete Davidson and she hasn’t even gotten with Pete like that (well, that we know of)! – E! News
Pic: Tor Erik Schrøder/NTB Scanpix via AP