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The Ninth Circle’s #1 show, Krapping Up The Kartrashians, will end next year after torturing humanity for 20 seasons (I know, 19 seasons and 7 episodes late, but hey). And I know this news may seem like it should be put in the flimsy file marked “Actual Good Things That Happened In 2020,” but I don’t know. I don’t trust this and am not praising the Gods over our long national nightmare being over just yet. Now that the Koven doesn’t have to dribble out boring scripted words in each other’s kitchens, they’ll have more time to torture us in bigger ways. Why do I have a feeling that on January 1, 2021, after we all breathe out a hot sigh of relief over 2020 being over, Pimp Mama Kris will announce that the Koven has bought E! and is changing it to K! which will shart out 24 hours of Kartrashians kontent daily – Just Jared
Speaking of shit, Slim Danger, the self-proclaimed Mother Of All You Hoes, claims that Odell Beckham Jr. is a certified Scat Queen – HotNewHipHop
These grainy as shit pictures are either of Katie Holmes getting on her new man, Emilio Vitolo, who was just engaged to someone else a minute ago, or the pictures are of a not-really-passable Channing Tatum impersonator and a not-really-passable Rachel Bilson impersonator – Lainey Gossip
Just last Wednesday Armie Hammer appeared to be getting cozy with Rumer Willis when he was spotted with his arm around her waist on the streets of L.A. Little did we know that just two days earlier, Armie was spotted getting cozy at lunch with another woman entirely! According to Page Six, Armie had lunch in West Hollywood with writer Jessica Ciencin Henriquez who recently split with her ex-husband Josh Lucas who apparently suffered from a serious case of wandering peen syndrome. Will we ever find a cure? To recap, there have now been two verified reports of recently separated Armie Hammer getting cozy without the aid of a fireplace nor comfy blanket. What’s his secret?!?!?!
August’s Hot Slut of the Month showdown is a human-free affair, and good! Humans have been fucking shit up left and right, and do not deserve to receive the illustrious title of Hot Slut of August 2020. The only things these HSOTM finalists are guilty of are giving people cavities, Type 1 Diabetes, the hope of living in a Croc-less world, and warmness of the heart (and warmness of the butthole if Kudos gave you the shits).
The top three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes and the fourth was my picked by me. Your choices for August are:
Kudos, the candy bar that disguised itself as a granola bar to come off like a healthy nugget of nutritiousness.
Lucky Charms’ Just Magical Marshmallows, the pouch of just the good stuff (read: the dehydrated marshmallow dingles) that Lucky Charms will sell for a limited time because things have been slow for dentists due to the pandemic and Lucky the Leprechaun wants to give them a boost in visits from patients crying over a mouthful of cavities.
The Crocs-Snatching Fox Of Berlin, who has truly proven that they are a special gift crafted from the hands of GOD by stealing Crocs, and other stuff, in a neighborhood in Berlin. There’s less Crocs on the streets of Berlin thanks to that saint.
Electra and Viola, the lesbians penguins in Valencia, Spain who brought a rare ray of sweetness to this trash world by raising a baby chick together. Although, with the way this year has been going, I wouldn’t be surprised if they break up and get into a messy custody fight. Why am I even putting that out there?!
Voting is below. The winning HSOTM will be crowned next Wednesday, September 16!
Canadian field reporter Shelley Steeves was literally reporting from a field, when, out of nowhere, she was brutally attacked! Nope, it wasn’t the usual gropey, wasted sports fan angling for a celebration smooch. It was a high-powered oscillating sprinkler system! Global News released the raw footage on Facebook, with the caption: “A reminder from Global News New Brunswick’s Shelley Steeves that reporters should always be aware of their surroundings.” Ooo, drag her, Global News! Continue reading
CNN says that the El Dorado fires in San Bernardino County in Southern California have now scorched more than 10,574 acres of land since Saturday and is 16% contained. Luckily this fire was started for a very good reason: Someone needed to reveal their new baby’s gender! Sadly, and not surprisingly, this isn’t the first time that a fire broke out over some idiot wanting to let people know what kind of genitals their newborn kid will have.