One of the more annoying memories of the early 2000s has to be the time when American Idol cursed us with Ryan Seacrest––and almost 20 years later, he’s still around, peddling that faux charm across every media platform in existence––even during quarantine. And when Ryan seemed like he was having some kind of medical emergency on live TV during the American Idol finale, his rep blamed good old exhaustion and now we’re hearing that ABC is worried that their hardest-working cyborg is overworked.
I tell you, Fuck You money is wasted on the unimaginative basics of this world. For example, Katy Perry was on Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote season 17 of American Idol and told the adorkable story of Orlando Bloom’s Valentine’s Day proposal. For the super wealthy, nothing says tacky over-the-top romantic gesture quite like a surprise helicopter ride (with the exception of a private Kenny G concert in your “living room”), so that’s exactly what Orlando did. And where did he whisk his lady-love away to, you ask? A private island? A secluded mansion on a remote coast? An aircraft carrier to be greeted by Cher and a thousand scantily clad seamen? No. After a mile-high, bumbling proposal with a bottle of champagne and a note, Orlando had them land on a rooftop probably less than a mile from where they got picked up. Boo. Look, Orlando’s was in 4 Pirates of the Caribbean movies. He can afford Cher’s per diem.
If Mariah Carey re-wrote the lyrics to Dionne Warwick’s song “That’s What Friends Are For,” her version would include this lyric:
And as far as I’m concerned
You should consider getting a new agent if they pitch you that trash American Idol
Mariah was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to promote her new Las Vegas residency, The Butterfly Returns and was asked by Jimmy if it was true that she told her friend and current American Idol judge Lionel Richie to not do the show when he was offered it. Mariah had an awful time on Idol, fought with fellow judge Nicki Minaj, and said she’d never do it again. Mariah answered:
“If I didn’t, I should have.”
Mariah quickly apologized before pretending she had no idea that Lionel was a judge on American Idol, asking “Is it going well for him?“. Only Lionel can answer that question. But one thing is for sure: any future contestants hoping to audition with Mariah’s “Hero” will automatically be given a lyrics sheet to “If You Had My Love” by Jennifer Lopez.
Pic: ABC via YouTube
News regarding the overpriced albatross (aka the revival of American Idol) has been all about how the payroll department at ABC apparently took a quaalude to sign off on paying Katy Perry $25 million when Lionel Richie got far less, but now producers are here to say the new show is going to be about the talent and finally creating a STAH. So that means taking away the only reason people were watching Idol. Continue reading
Lionel Richie’s skills as an American Idol judge are landing him about $15 million less than Katy Perry, a fucked financial move that still has Suze Orman hooked up to an oxygen tank. But that doesn’t mean he’s resting on his laurels. Lionel has a trademarked phrase, and he’s ready to print and sell it on anything that will sit still long enough! Continue reading
I know, Simon. Katy Perry has spoiled a lot of things for me, too (short hair, award show monologues , Orlando Bloom). Unrepentant bitch in a v-neck sweater Simon Cowell made himself a household name by being the cruel one on the original American Idol. ABC is bringing the show back despite it only having gone off the air last year. And Simon’s got opinions. (It took 35 years to get a sequel to Blade Runner, you desperate-for-advertising dollars hoes!) Continue reading