Category: Pimp Mama Kris

Kylie Jenner Is Officially The World’s Youngest “Self-Made” Billionaire

March 5, 2019 / Posted by:

Well she’s done it. Kylie Jenner’s pulled herself up by her Balenciaga boot straps and made a name for herself as the “Youngest Self-Made Billionaire” in the world. Back in July, Forbes correctly predicted that one day in the not-so-distant future, a woman grossly disfigured by radiation poisoning and malnutrition, would be roaming the wasted landscape of post-apocalypse Los Angeles and find among the rubble and detritus of a once (barely) functioning society, a copy of Forbes Magazine dated March 5th, 2019 with Kylie’s improbably smooth face staring back at her under the title World’s Youngest Self-Made Billionaire, and though a strangled “who?” will escape her parched and blistered lips, she will know that this relic marked the beginning of the end.

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Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” Video Is Out, And Pimp Mama Kris Makes A Cameo

November 30, 2018 / Posted by:

I’m in Ptown this weekend (Yes, I know it’s still working hours. Shhhh.), and I immediately knew a half hour ago when Ariana Grande released the full “thank u, next” video because the entire street was filled with squealing as though Boston had just won the Super Series or whatever it’s called. And that was just from me. After what seems like weeks of posting cosplay from every RomCom made in the early-2000s, the video about being oh-so-grateful for exes has dropped, so it’s only natural Kris Jenner made the cut for the Mean Girls arc and not Lindsay Lohan.

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Forbes Says Kylie Jenner Could Potentially Be The Youngest Self-Made Billionaire

July 11, 2018 / Posted by:

Whatever picture was hanging on the largest wall in Kris Jenner’s momager office (possibly a blown-up still from Kim’s porno) has surely been taken down today and replaced with a giant, framed picture of her youngest and most lucrative money maker on the cover of this month’s issue of Forbes. Last year it was reported that Kylie Jenner’s makeup company made $420 million in 18 months of retail sales. A year later, and Kylie Cosmetics has more than doubled their sales at $900 million. According to Forbes, 20-year-old Kylie is on her way to becoming the youngest self-made billionaire.

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Kris Jenner Will Sue You Even If You’re Broke

May 16, 2018 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kris finds a way to monetize everything, even her search for a new assistant. She’s doing press for her partnership with Bumble Bizz, which is a “networking” offshoot of the dating app, but I just think it’s another way to find someone to bone.

Kris talked to HuffPo about finding a new minion, and somehow in the puff piece about that, we found out something we already knew: Satan’s proudest creation isn’t afraid to drag your broke soul to court if you do something she doesn’t like.  Continue reading

Kathy Griffin Isn’t Waiting Around For Anderson Cooper To Make Amends

May 2, 2018 / Posted by:

The source of many a nervous twitch in the Trump White House, Kathy Griffin, is – much to the chagrin of the red states – back in the U.S. with a new comedy tour even after she shocked everyone by holding up a decapitated fake Trump head. While she already spooked what members of the Trump administration bothered to show up to this weekend’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, she managed to pop by daytime TV and tell Wendy Williams that she doesn’t think she’ll ever make amends with former BFF Anderson Cooper. Continue reading

Colton Haynes And Jeff Leatham Got Married By Pimp Mama Kris

October 28, 2017 / Posted by:

When 29-year-old Colton Haynes got engaged to his 46-year-old flower daddy Jeff Leatham (he’s a floral designer), it was a big, gay extravaganza complete with fireworks, drama and an appearance by Cher. So when I heard they were getting married this weekend, I prepared to explode into a tornado of glitter from the glorious gayness of their wedding. I expected to see Barbra Streisand softly yodel out Evergreen while officiating their ceremony from a giant crystal swan covered with rhinestone-encrusted white orchids imported from Thailand. But I guess all their money was spent on the engagement ceremony, because they had to settle for Pimp Mama Kris as their officiant.

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