Yes, Anna Wintour is continuing to slowly hammer away at the very long final nail in American Vogue’s coffin by putting another Kartrashain on the cover, but I do have to give a slow clap to that demonic demon for paying tribute to Kim Kardashian’s early fame whore days by making it look like Ray J is pissing all over her. Well played, Anna!
Beyond the golden showers cover, Vogue’s Jonathan Van Meter talks to Kim at her house, which sounds as vapid and empty as her, a Mexican restaurant, and the Koven’s headquarters (a bunch of Calabasas condos that have been converted to their offices). Most of the interview is about her re-branding from soulless, superficial mannequin with a hot air balloon ass to a soulless, superficial mannequin with a hot air balloon ass who really, really cares about prison reform.
In your daily dose of “Well, DUH,” Kylie Jenner has finally come around to admitting what we already knew: her ass wouldn’t be rolling around in all that cosmetic coin if it weren’t for a little boost known as Kris Jenner. It seems like it was just yesterday when Forbes farted out a cover declaring Kylie as the youngest “self-made billionaire” ever – even beating out Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Now, most of us figured Forbes was using “self-made billionaire” as a euphemism for “got rich because her mother made her hawk lip kits and sponsored slim tea ads on Instagram.” Alas, they maintained she fit their definition, and even Kylie tried to defend the claim. But now there’s a new season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians to promote, so she’s going to change her tune so as to not piss too many people off and drive the ratings even lower.
Well she’s done it. Kylie Jenner’s pulled herself up by her Balenciaga boot straps and made a name for herself as the “Youngest Self-Made Billionaire” in the world. Back in July, Forbes correctly predicted that one day in the not-so-distant future, a woman grossly disfigured by radiation poisoning and malnutrition, would be roaming the wasted landscape of post-apocalypse Los Angeles and find among the rubble and detritus of a once (barely) functioning society, a copy of Forbes Magazine dated March 5th, 2019 with Kylie’s improbably smooth face staring back at her under the title World’s Youngest Self-Made Billionaire, and though a strangled “who?” will escape her parched and blistered lips, she will know that this relic marked the beginning of the end.
I’m in Ptown this weekend (Yes, I know it’s still working hours. Shhhh.), and I immediately knew a half hour ago when Ariana Grande released the full “thank u, next” video because the entire street was filled with squealing as though Boston had just won the Super Series or whatever it’s called. And that was just from me. After what seems like weeks of posting cosplay from every RomCom made in the early-2000s, the video about being oh-so-grateful for exes has dropped, so it’s only natural Kris Jenner made the cut for the Mean Girls arc and not Lindsay Lohan.
Whatever picture was hanging on the largest wall in Kris Jenner’s momager office (possibly a blown-up still from Kim’s porno) has surely been taken down today and replaced with a giant, framed picture of her youngest and most lucrative money maker on the cover of this month’s issue of Forbes. Last year it was reported that Kylie Jenner’s makeup company made $420 million in 18 months of retail sales. A year later, and Kylie Cosmetics has more than doubled their sales at $900 million. According to Forbes, 20-year-old Kylie is on her way to becoming the youngest self-made billionaire.
Pimp Mama Kris finds a way to monetize everything, even her search for a new assistant. She’s doing press for her partnership with Bumble Bizz, which is a “networking” offshoot of the dating app, but I just think it’s another way to find someone to bone.
Kris talked to HuffPo about finding a new minion, and somehow in the puff piece about that, we found out something we already knew: Satan’s proudest creation isn’t afraid to drag your broke soul to court if you do something she doesn’t like. Continue reading