When 29-year-old Colton Haynes got engaged to his 46-year-old flower daddy Jeff Leatham (he’s a floral designer), it was a big, gay extravaganza complete with fireworks, drama and an appearance by Cher. So when I heard they were getting married this weekend, I prepared to explode into a tornado of glitter from the glorious gayness of their wedding. I expected to see Barbra Streisand softly yodel out Evergreen while officiating their ceremony from a giant crystal swan covered with rhinestone-encrusted white orchids imported from Thailand. But I guess all their money was spent on the engagement ceremony, because they had to settle for Pimp Mama Kris as their officiant.
Just one more Kartrashian pregnancy and we’ve got ourselves The Four Horsemen….Unless one of them is pregnant with twins. SANTO DIOS!
The toilet that Ian Somerhalder flushed Nikki Reed’s birth control pills down must’ve been nowhere near Calabasas. Because there’s something in the water in fame whore ground zero and it’s not birth control pills. (It’s the fertile seed of Satan that Pimp Mama Kris puts into the water bottles of every one of her koven members.) UsWeekly, People and TMZ all say that yet another junior koven member is growing inside the body of another Kartrashian and this time it’s Khlozilla. The wombs belonging to Kendull Jenner and The Slow One must be feeling a lot of pressure from PMK, because all they need to do is get a fetus in them, and then all of her girls will be pregnant, and then she’ll be able to take over the world with her army. Blehehehehehe!
If Pimp Mama Kris strikes sex tape gold
en showers again, this won’t be the first time I write “Kendall,” “Kylie” and “Piss” in a headline.
Whoever is in charge of the clothing crap that Kendall and Kylie Jenner push on their website thought it would be a really good idea to peddle t-shirts with their faces and initials on top of pictures of music icons without getting permission. There’s at least 200 members in PMK’s koven and so you’d think she’d make one of them take a crash course in the law so that dumb shit like this doesn’t happen. PMK should send Sushi Kardashian West to a law class. Sushi seems the smartest of that bunch.
Bringing about world peace with a can of carbonated sugar water must really overheat a trick.
Yesterday, Pepsi caused a firestorm that was bigger than the one on Michael Jackson’s head while shooting that commercial in the 80s. Pepsi butt burped up an extra thick shit balloon of a commercial that showed Kendull Jenner ditching a modeling shoot to join a protest where she bravely brings everyone together with a can of Pepsi. Ridiculous! Everyone knows that the only syguary drink that has the power to change the world was Orbitz, bitches!
Yesterday (in what I was hoping was the worse April Fool’s Day prank of life), it appeared that former lap dance associate Blac Chyna and sock magnate Rob Kardashian were trying to work through their differences after last month’s unnecessary drama. And, of course, by “work through their differences,” I mean get as much attention as possible to please their boss, Kris Jenner. Man, I tell you, Pimp Mama Kris be puttin’ in overtime with her pimping. She never misses an opportunity to have her employees shake and shimmy for the cameras. Continue reading
If they really wanted to go crazy with their levels of security, they’d post that picture of Pimp Mama Kris at their front door. PMK’s gaze in that picture can turn almost anything to stone!
When Kim Kardashian returned to the U.S. after getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris, she had an army of security guards following her. Pimp Mama Kris tells UsWeekly that they’ve upped their security even more, and I guess that means that Kendall Jenner is keeping her opulent jewels in a place that’s more secure than a jewelry box, like in a pair of Rob Kartrashian-designed socks or under a pile of Tyga CDs. You know, places where no one wants to go.