I know what you’re thinking. “When the hell did Cher and Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man drag have kids?!!!” Believe me I said the same thing, but that is not them. 2016’s winner for Most Miserable Khristmas Kard is brought to you by none other than Kim Kardashian-West and her beloved Frank Ocean impersonator hubby Kanye West. I believe if Charles Dickens were still alive, first off, he’d be old as fuck. But secondly, I believe that he would have based his ghosts from A Christmas Carol off of the Kardashians, with Caitlyn Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Past, Kris Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Present (because her children are the world’s favorite stocking stuffers) and all the little Kid-Dashians as the ghosts of Christmas Future, which is a scary thought. And also in his updated tale, Kim is Tiny Tim to Kanye’s evil Scrooge.
I know, whoever misspelled #DevilBall2016 as #AngelBall2016 is going to get it.
Kanye West is reportedly still at UCLA Medical Center where he’s under observation after he allegedly cracked for real and ended up being shuffled off by paramedics while handcuffed to a gurney. Kanye was apparently at the gym working out with his trainer and his personal doctor, Dr. Michael Farzam, went there to check on the case of the tireds he’s been suffering from. TMZ says that Dr. Farzam told authorities that his patient (he used the alias “Jim Jones” for Kanye) had temporary psychosis caused by sleep deprivation and dehydration and needed help. Dr. Farzam also claimed that Kanye tried to attack a gym employee.
Dr. Farzam said that he put Kanye on a 5150 hold, but it’s not known if he actually did. Paramedics handcuffed Kanye to a gurney because that’s regular procedure when someone is 5150’d. TMZ is saying that Kanye is under a “psychiatric evaluation,” but People is saying that he’s in the hospital for “sleep deprivation” and is fine. And some of us are shouting that he’s being treated for the Kardashian Kurse and needs a priest to bust an exorcism on his ass.
Khloe Kartrashian was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to pimp out whatever who cares, and she once again proved that her fame whore family is really pulling back on flaunting their gaudy ass riches by saying that a stranger handed Kendall Jenner keys to a $250,000 Rolls-Royce on Wednesday night. In Khloe’s Juvéderm’d brain (Yes, she Juvéderms it. All wrinkles are gross!), she thinks that the dude was a regular Oprah and just gave Kendall a car for free.
As every trick on earth knows since it was CNN BREAKING NEWS, Kim Kardashian was held at gunpoint by masked men pretending to be cops early this morning in Paris. Kim and several members of the Koven are now in NYC with Kanye West as a gang of Joanne the Scammer’s proteges try to sell millions of dollars worth of jewelry on the black market and also feel their eyeballs go numb as they swipe through 5,000 selfies on one of the phones they stole from Kim (and those 5,000 selfies were from yesterday alone). More details about The Krown Jewel Kaper have spilled out including how the thieves got away with $10 million in jewelry. Their loot may have included that gigantic diamond ring that’s almost bigger than one of Kim’s ass cheeks.
Hot curly-topped anal swab Brody Jenner once felt like what we, the people, really needed to know is that he got a half-boner from seeing his stepsister Kim Kartrashian (see above with face #2? Or is that face #3?) naked. Now it’s Rob Kartrashian’s turn to bring the dry heaves out of us by using his mouth to shit out a pile of chunky TMI.
If you were saving your coins, hoping that one day you’d be able to afford a Kardashian U Master Class taught by Professor Pimp Mama Kris on “How To Kontact The Devil So You Can Sell Your Soul And The Soul Of Your Children In Exchange For A Multi-Million Dollar Whore Empire,” you’ve been saving your money for nothing. Because PMK is no longer the chairpimp of the “university” she helped re-launch a few months ago. The good news is that Michael Lohan is probably still teaching classes on “How To Whore Out Your Children So You Never Have To Get A Real Job” in the back room of a strip club in Pompano Beach, so you can still take that.