Category: Kate Middleton

The Queen Wants Duchess Kate To Get Back To Work

May 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m pretending this is the exact same “Oi, are you fooking kidding me?” look Duchess Kate shot into the sky when she found out The Queen wanted her to get her ass back to work. Yes I said sky; The Queen is omnipresent, like God or Santa, right?

Even though Duchess Kate gave birth to Baby Princess Charlotte a hot marmalade minute ago, OK says The Queen is already laying out a selection of jewel-tone coats and dresses that have already sold out from here to Uranus for her granddaughter-in-law, because it’s time to get back to waving, smiling, having nice hair, and waving. According to a “source“, The Queen wants Duchess Kate to make an appearance at her birthday parade on June 13th, and she thinks a month is a long enough maternity leave. Prince William has already gone back to work.

The last time Duchess Kate went on mat leave, she checked out for 39 days, so I’m sure The Queen has already gotten a crippling finger sprain from the amount of time she’s done that obnoxious “Time’s a ticking!” pointing-at-a-pretend-watch-on-your wrist hand motion. Gawd Duchess Kate, why are you being so lazy? Let Baby Prince George take care of his little sister, and get back to work! What’s that? You’re still sore from pushing out a spare? Suck it up buttercup, the corgis need a new ruby-studded dog ramp and that shit don’t come cheap.

By the way, if someone could explain to me how Royal ‘work’ works, that would be great, because I clearly have no idea.

Behold, The Portrait That Morrissey Will Hang Over His Fireplace

March 30, 2014 / Posted by:

As part of their never-ending campaign to make the peasants think that they’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William released this picture of them looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who’s just hanging out in their everyday, normal house. Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace, two of the people in this picture are future Head Moochers of England and it took 4 ladies-in-waiting 5 hours to get Duchess Kate Breck Girl beautiful by brushing her hair with silver combs and it took 4 men 3 hours to perfectly polish Prince William’s bald spot and creeping hairline. The Windsor genes have gone into overdrive on Prince William’s face, because his physical transformation into his daddy is over halfway complete.

But the real stars of this picture, which was taken by Jason Bell, are Baby Prince George and Lupo the dog. Lupo has a look of fear in his eye like he knows that he’s sitting before the future King of England who can have him sent to the gallows for shitting on the rug or pissing on that sharp as fuck christening gown. Lupo looks like someone’s giving him a surprise prostate exam. Wait, wait, where is Prince William’s other hand?!

This portrait is pretty basic and looks like some shit you’d see in a frame at CVS, but it could’ve easily been taken to fiery levels of YES with just one simple photo bomb:


Now THAT is a royal portrait.

Here’s PHG, Duchess Kate and Prince William wearing some boring ass royal clothes while going to the wedding one of their fancy friends today in Chippenham, England.

Pics: Splash

Here’s Prince Hot Ginge Bowing His Head Before THE QUEEN

October 23, 2013 / Posted by:

Not pictured: THE QUEEN making a “You BETTA recognize, hussy” face.

Who knew that British royals are just like us! They also have to bow their heads down to their abuelitas or face the wrath of the pocketbook (the pocketbook is the British royals’ answer to the chancleta). I spent way too much time focusing on Prince George’s sharp-as-shit christening gown, so I completely forgot to add this video of the royals air kissing and bowing down to THE QUEEN at his christening in London today. My favorite part is when Prince George glides in and gets into a stare down contest with THE QUEEN. (Spoiler alert: THE QUEEN won.)

Prince William is trying to make it look like Prince George is waving, but it looks more like he’s nonchalantly playing a tiny invisible piano with one hand.

Once inside the chapel, Prince George was christened with water from the River Jordan. I’m guessing that by “the River Jordan” they mean Katie Price’s bathwater, right? And right after the River Jordan water was poured on Prince George’s head, PHG let out a stream of giggles, because he swapped that river water with vodka.

Pics: Splash

The Look IS Prince George’s Lace Christening Gown

October 23, 2013 / Posted by:

Duchess Kate thinks she’s the only British royal who can sell out a piece of clothing just by wearing it, but she’s dead wrong. Yes, thousands of her subjects are running to their local bakery to buy a mound of bread dough after seeing Duchess Kate wear one on her head at Prince George’s Christian orientation/hazing ceremony in the Chapel Royal at St James’s Palace in London today. But even more people are furiously searching the Internet to find out who designed Prince George’s luxurious lace gown, because they want it. Well, sorry wannabes, but that shit is vintage and no, you can’t buy it at Decades or one of those other fancy shops where rich hos buy used clothes for thousands of dollars. Prince George’s shit is a family heirloom and a one-of-a-kind design, bitches.

The BBC says that Prince George’s gown is a replica of the lace and satin christening gown made for Queen Victoria’s eldest daughter, Victoria, the Princess Royal, in 1841. Prince Hot Ginge (see him working it here) and every other royal has worn that same christening gown since then. The design is stunning and that train elongates Prince George’s legs so he looks five feet tall instead of one foot tall (or however the hell tall he is). Expect Tommy Girl to try that “train makes your legs look longer” trick. And Prince George knows that he’s got this and he’s already looking down at Suri Cruise, Blue Ivy Carter and North West from the top of Vogue Bambini’s Best Dressed Baby Child In The WORLD list.

And because he’s the future King of England and has to do everything extra, Prince George has seven godparents who will be his spiritual advisors and guide him through life. They are:

1. England’s Finest Rose Jodie Marsh
2. Harvey Price
3. Tanya Turner (No, not Zoe Lucker, but Tanya Turner the character.)
4. Pete Burns
5. Tania Mcintosh
6. Pippa Middleton’s ass
7. Pete Doherty

No, I wish. The real list is here. No Jodie Marsh! No Prince Hot Ginge! Can you believe that shit? That list sucks. The only person I know on that list is Zara Phillips and that’s because I once bought a coat half price at her store in the Menlo Park Mall in New Jersey.

Pics: Splash

“So You Know This Thing On My Body Is Going To Sell Out In 4 Seconds, Right?”

September 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Ever since the future King of England was pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine, she’s done a whole lot of firsts. When she went grocery shopping, the media said she went outside for the first time since giving birth to Prince Hot Ginge’s future drinking partner. When she went to some marathon, the media (and I) said that she went to work for the first time since she got THE QUEEN off of her asshole by giving birth to a boy heir. And then tonight, DK went to an official royal event for the first time since doing you know what. I’m sure there’s an article out there somewhere about Duchess Kate pooting out her first fart since giving birth or doing her first cinnamon schnapps shot off of PHG’s nip since giving birth. I will update once I find them.

In the meantime… Duchess Kate and Prince William went to the Tusk Conservation Awards, which celebrates outstanding achievement in the field of African conservation, in London tonight. Prince William’s presenting two awards. Since you care, Duchess Kate wore a gold sequined dress by Jenny Packham. Usually, I don’t like anything Duchess Kate wears on her body, because it’s usually every shade of boring and re-defines bland. But I actually like this dress and that’s mostly because it reminds me of this class moment in sequin history:

She better be sent to the tower forever if she didn’t say, “Tons of fucking sequins,” every time a reporter asked her what she was wearing.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash, Bauer Griffin

Duchess Kate Goes Back To “Work” Five Weeks After Popping Out A King

August 30, 2013 / Posted by:

That is the fanciest dildo/toilet plunger I have ever seen. The British royals really know how to fancy everything up.

All you mothers who bitched and moaned about having to go back to work 12 weeks after giving birth need to shut it. Duchess Kate birthed out a baby in a crown only 5 weeks ago and she’s already back at work. This morning, Duchess Kate got her hair curled, chose the next outfit she wants to sell out in 5 seconds and waved and smiled while standing up at the start of The Ring O’Fire Anglesey Coastal Ultra Marathon in Holyhead, Wales today. While Duchess Kate and Prince William were hard at work, her bird and mouse friends took care of Baby Prince George. (Disney told me that all princesses have bird and mouse friends)

And I never knew this until today, but I really, really want to live inside a town called Holyhead.

Pics:, Splash

Bow Down Before His Royal Highness Prince GAL

July 24, 2013 / Posted by:

Duchess Kate and Prince William announced today that the name of Suri Cruise’s future husband (she’s a cradle robber) and Prince Hot Ginge’s party prince protégé is Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. Prince GAL for short! See, they totally wanted a queen too. If that’s the case, they should’ve named him Prince George Michael or Prince Boy George.

That name is a bucket of boring, but isn’t that what all of us were expecting? I was hoping for Prince Harvey Price Jodie Marsh Cumberbatch. And I guess this means that Nigel Hawthorne’s great great great great grandson will play King George in a movie.

All Hail Prince No-Name-Yet!

July 23, 2013 / Posted by:

I wish he looked like that. This is what he really looks like:


I know, he looks like an adorable sleeping yam or like an overgrown and hairless baby panda bear with eyelids. In other words, he looks like every single newborn except his shits are worth more than two hundred gold bars and he can ask for your head just by cooing.

Wearing a dress that I’m sure is already sold out EVERYWHERE, Duchess Kate came out of the hospital with Prince William and the future King of England.  As the Prince waved his hand, which is his way of letting his subjects know that they better bow down, Prince William told reporters that they haven’t come up with a name yet. Prince William also said that he’s a big boy, has a good pair of lungs, has more hair than him and thankfully, got Duchess Kate’s looks. Here’s a close-up:


And here’s a video if you need to see the baby prince in moving picture form:

And with that, we can finally welcome PHG’s future wingman and we can FINALLY say goodbye to those goddamn, motherfucking wooden doors.


Prince Hot Ginge’s Future Drinking Partner Is Finally Here!

July 22, 2013 / Posted by:

Kensington Palace announced today that after 45 days of labor, Duchess Kate popped out a baby prince. I was hoping she’d give birth to a Corgi, but sadly for me, she gave birth to a human boy instead:

Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son at 4.24pm.

The baby weighs 8lbs 6oz.

The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.

The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news.

Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well and will remain in hospital overnight.

Since Duchess Kate’s pregnancy dragged on for a million months and her labor dragged on for a million hours, they’ll probably take their time in announcing his name. I’m guessing they’re going to go with Prince Diano Charles Pippo Robert Crawley John Paul George Ringo Morrissey. Or they’ll just keep it simple and go with Prince Hot Ginge Jr. Congratulations to the new prince! He’s already richer than all of us, gets to spit up on PHG and he has more hair than his father (for now)!

And when Kim Kartrashian tries to steal the spotlight from the new prince by releasing pictures of North West, don’t look! Just keep your eyes on that stupid Lindo Wing door.

The Day That Morrissey Has Been Dreaming Of Has FINALLY Arrived

July 22, 2013 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell from the fact that Morrissey’s screams of excitement are echoing through the world, the royal vagine is stretching as I type this. I got an alert on my phone at around 12:30am my time that said: DUCHESS KATE IS IN LABOR! STOP EVERYTHING! I was about to jump out of bed and glue my eyes to all the riveting live feeds from outside the Lindo wing of St Mary’s Hospital in west London, but I figured that THE QUEEN probably got the same alert on her phone, shrugged, screamed at her lady-in-waiting not to bother her until Prince William is re-enacting the “present to the pride” scene from the Lion King and went back to spooning with her pocketbook. So I did the same thing (but replace “pocketbook” with “empty bag of Soft Batch cookies.”)

The BBC says that Duchess Kate and Prince William showed up to the hospital at around 6am London time. A quick second later, Clarence House tweeted this:


So right now in London, Duchess Kate is probably taking a royal labor shit on the delivery table as Prince Hot Ginge celebrates by doing afternoon vodka shots off all the nurses’tits. And when Duchess Kate finally gives birth to the future King of Queen of England, it will be announced on an ornate easel Pippa’s bare ass behind the railings on Buckingham Palace’s forecourt.

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