“Just text an offer to every actress, singer, comedian, rapper, etc. out there and the first 8 to hit us back with a thumbs-up emoji, gets a role” is probably what the producers and director of Ocean’s 8 said while casting. Because they put together a motley crew of HUH? that includes Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, RiRi, TEEFS, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and a rapper/actress who goes by Awkwafina (born name: Nora Lum). Yes, Awkwafina is a name that somebody chose to go by. Phoebe Price isn’t in it, but I slipped her portrait in, because I felt like that line-up needed some real A-list star power, charisma and ginger glamour. Like the producers can afford her day rate!
Last night was the Los Angeles premiere of Alice Through the Looking Glass. One person who didn’t stroll up the red carpet was Helena Bonham Carter. I don’t know why she wasn’t there; maybe she couldn’t find an antique sewing machine for the undead ghost of an 1800s seamstress to make her an ensemble in time and decided that if she had to wear something off the rack and from this century, she wasn’t going to go. Regardless, I guess Anne Hathaway was missing her, because she decided to pay tribute to HBC with a meme yesterday.
Anne posted a picture of HBC in her rag bag best with the caption: “In a world of Kardashians…be a Helena Bonham Carter“, followed by a bunch of hearts and the word “(Red) Queen.” But if you want to see it, you’re going to have to swing by The Daily Mail. Why? Because shortly after she posted it, Anne yanked it down and replaced it with this:
Looks like we can add “shade” to the list that includes “photobomb” of words Anne Hathaway doesn’t really understand the meaning of. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Anne’s “In a world of Kardashians” felt like a straight-up read. Whatever it was, it was “unintended.” So Khloe, you can kalm down now; it looks like your services as the Kardashian family’s social media goon are not needed right now.
I don’t know if Anne necessarily had to clarify what she meant. After all, if Anne was going to come for someone, I’m pretty sure she’d do it by dressing up as a train and busting out a bitchy rendition of “Laughing Stock” from Starlight Express.
Here’s more of Ann-with-an-E at the premiere for ATTLG last night. Again, Anne really didn’t need to throw up that meme; she paid all the tribute to HBC needed by showing up looking like the Corpse Bride at her bachelorette party.
Cinderella’s face is like “I sure hope my internal digestive organs are somewhere back there, because they sure as hell aren’t located in my stomach area anymore.” When the trailer for Disney’s latest live-action cash grab Cinderella was released earlier this week, some people couldn’t help but notice that it looked like Jaq and Gus-Gus went to work on Cinderelly’s waist with the liquefy tool in Photoshop. It was very very tiny. Even cartoon Sleeping Beauty was like “Oh shit girl, what is that, 7 inches?”
Since everything is a lie and nothing is the truth anymore, BuzzFeed contacted the actress who plays Cinderella, Lily James, and asked her point-blank just how many pixels Disney deleted from her stomach area. Her agent got back to them and said that Lily’s waist wasn’t touched by a computer and her waist looks that way because she’s wrapped up in a corset.
I have no idea if that’s a real waist or a fake waist, but I will say this: that picture is making me uncomfortable for a whole different reason. All that satin and tulle is giving me some hard-core flashbacks to my figure skating years, and let me tell you, satin is NO ONE’S FRIEND, especially when it comes to figure skating costumes. The only costume I ever felt truly comfortable in was this felt hippo number with padding all around the gut and the ass. And no, it wasn’t for a routine set to “Baby Got Back” (I wish. Although I did once skate to “Achy Breaky Heart”, but that’s a story for another day).
Here’s Lily James in real life working a real-life looking waist at the Cinderella premiere at the Berlin Film Festival today with Cate Blanchett, Richard Madden, and Helena Bonham Carter, so you can be the judge as to whether or not Disney went all Beyonce on her middle:
In “THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, TRUE LOVE IS MUERTO!” news, Tim Burton and his muse/partner/mother of his 2 kids Helena Bonham Carter have chopped up their 13 year relationship, put it through the meat grinder and baked it in pie dough to be sold to an unsuspecting Londoner. This a nightmare before Christmas for anyone who thought they would last forever. Prayer circle around Goldie and Kurt!
I thought that Lindsay Lohan would get a clue before HBC and Tim Burton broke up. In other words, I didn’t think they’d ever break up. They live in separate houses, don’t see each other’s faces every day and let each other do their own thing (and possibly other people). That sounds like an almost perfect marriage! But they decided that they’re over it and told her rep to pull out a canned break-up statement, scribble their names in the blanks and release it to People:
The couple “separated amicably earlier this year and have continued to be friends and co-parent their children,” Carter’s rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. “We would ask that you respect their privacy and that of their children during this time.”
The pair – who never married – first met when Burton, 56, directed Carter, 48, in 2001’s Planet of the Apes.
If you’re wondering why they’re announcing it now if they broke up months ago, the answer is: He has a movie coming out in 2 days and the hustle never stops.
Who will play the “quirky” and “weird” lady in all of his movies now?! I bet every hard-up actress is going to move within a 10 mile radius of Tim Burton so she can show up on his Tinder, which might lead to a date, which might lead to a relationship, which might lead to him casting her in every single one of his movies.
Or Tim Burton will finally stop fighting the feeling and marry his true soulmate Johnny Depp.
Here’s the trailer for Disney’s live-action Cinderella and it’s pretty much the cartoon acted about by humans, CGI mice and wigs. It looks like they didn’t change a thing. Kenneth Branagh, who directed this, coughed up an exact adaptation and he also crammed in as many actors from Games of Thrones and Downton Abbey as possible. Just when Cinderella couldn’t take one more actor from GoT or Downton Abbey, he shoved one more in there. (And yes, I just realized what I typed.)
I know the story of Cinderella is burned deep into our brains like the image of Chyna’s clitorpeen is, but this trailer is the movie on speed. They give everything away. You almost don’t need to spend $45 and a kidney (or however much a movie ticket is these days) to sip canned wine from a paper bag in a darkened theater while surrounded by a bunch of brats and their parents loudly talking at the screen. The trailer shows you the whole movie!
There’s Cinderella (played by Lily James) looking all bland, boring, needy and whiny. Prince Charming (played by the King in the North from GoT who is ready for your red wedding jokes) looking all neanderthal-ey and constipated. There’s Kenneth Branagh’s former piece Helena Bonham Carter looking like a Marilyn Monroe Marie Antoinette. And finally, there’s Cate Blanchett who adds a touch of glamorous evil to that fondue pot of boring. Cate Blanchett is cutting bitches with those sharpened shiv brows and she’s giving me Phoebe Price in the cheek area. I even love that her costumes are something Mildred Pierce would wear to a Scarlett O’Hara costume party. I just hope that she stays regally cunty from beginning to end and doesn’t pull a Maleficent (SPOILER ALERT) by growing a heart. It’s always a sad day for bitches when an iconic villain starts feeling things.
Here’s Helena Bonham Carter, she of the Can Do No Wrongs, at A Night of Reggae for Save The Children UK at The Roundhouse in London last night. Yeah, as soon as I saw the word “reggae” her look mad complete sense, because at first I thought she was at an event called A Night Of Coked Up Gothic Zombies Who Will Scare The Blood Out Of You.
Like I said in my first sentence, Helena Bonham Carter can do absolutely no wrong and if she wants to look like a greasy creature of the undead who’s got a serious case of the coke grinds and hasn’t been able to shit out the brains she’s eaten for days, let her! Who cares if she looks like a box of crayons that melted on a gothic porcelain doll? She’s HBC! She can do whatever she wants. Although, she really should pay for the private therapy of the children who saw her like this and are now scarred.