Last night, Chelsea Handler attended an event called Gala for the Children, which sounds like the pretentious way Gwyneth Paltrow would describe a kid’s birthday party but is actually a charity event. Chelsea was there to introduce her friend, celebrity divorce lawyer Laura Wasser. Laura was being recognized for her charity work with children, and Chelsea was there because she’s had Laura on her show a couple times. Laura also just so happens to be representing “fucking lunatic” (copyright: Chelsea Handler) Angelina Jolie in her divorce from Brad Pitt. You already know where this is going.
Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.
It’s been more than a month since Angelina Jolie (or “That Fucking Lunatic” as she’s known in Chelsea Handler’s house) filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. And since then, Jennifer Aniston has been dragged into the conversation, of course. Two of those times were courtesy of Jennifer’s friends announcing to the world that we should keep her out of it. Another friend has come forward with their thoughts on it all. Sadly, it’s not Marcel the Monkey.
If Chelsea Handler didn’t need a calming vodka and lavender tub soak after last week, she’s going to this week. If you watch Chelsea’s Netflix show, you know that she has a major political boner for Hillary Clinton. In order to be a little less biased, Chelsea booked Donald Trump supporter Ann Coulter to talk about her latest waste of paper and ink, In Trump We Trust. Well, Ann called in “sick” and you can guess how happy Chelsea was about that.
Yesterday, my thoughts and prayers were with the president of the West Coast chapter of the Brangeloonies, Chelsea Hander, because I know that Brangelina is her favorite couple in the history of love. Chelsea has said time and time again that Angelina Jolie has a wonderful soul, a kind spirit, is a girl’s girl and she wishes they were best friends. So I just knew that all day yesterday, Chelsea was probably crying out hot vodka tears while she lay in the fetal position on her bathroom floor and punched at the sky as she screamed, “Why, God, why?!” (Side note: I’m jealous of Chelsea’s dog, because I wish I could get drunk for free by licking up her vodka tears.)
I thought that Chelsea would need to take a lengthy sad-bbatical to deal with the break-up of Brangelina, but she somehow pulled her emotions together and was able to shoot an episode of her Netflix show. As her dried and chapped tear ducts quivered (since she already cried out all the liquid in her body), Chelsea gave a heartfelt eulogy for Brangelina. And of course, I mean the opposite of all of that since Chelsea hates St. Angie more than she’d hate getting eaten out by a piranha with an overbite.
Almost 6 years ago, Chelsea Handler ended up at the top of the Brangeloonies’ enemy list and they vowed to destroy her as soon as they tricked the doctors into thinking they were sane enough to be released from the mental hospital. (Side question: Do the Brangeloonies still exist?) Chelsea declared war with God when she called his prized creation Angelina Jolie a “home wrecker,” a “cunt,” and a “fucking bitch” during a show in Newark, NJ. Throughout the years, Jennifer Aniston’s main partner in tanning and boozing continued to slap at St. Angie by calling her everything from a “demon” to a “non-girl’s girl.”
2016 has sharted up many surprises and it seems like Chelsea’s naranja leather ass has softened up a bit, so if you’re wondering if she still hates St. Angie more than she hates the words “last call,” she answered that question recently. In the first episode of Chelsea’s Netflix show titled, wait for it…Chelsea, she talks to Drew Barrymore and this happened. via The Washington Post
While talking to her friend Drew Barrymore during the show’s premiere, Handler — who is also known to be good friends with Jennifer Aniston — said “I think most women support women. If you’re a girl you should kind of like other girls and if you don’t, your name’s Angelina Jolie.”
Um, is Chelsea forgetting that St. Angie’s holy ‘gina has bumped it with Jenny Shimizu before. Angie does like some girls. But you know, it’s a little comforting knowing that no matter how much this world changes, one thing will stay the same: Chelsea will forever hate St. Angie. And that’s probably the secret to Chelsea’s tan. Every time she talks shit about St. Angie, a lightning bolt from heaven hits her and crisps up her skin!