There are two things that will always make Chelsea Handler’s heart skip a beat: hearing the words “Can I top up your drink ma’am?” and being given an opportunity to publicly drag Angelina Jolie. And that’s just what she did during an appearance last night’s Watch What Happens Live! in Los Angeles.
An audience member named Eric, or as Chelsea knows him – “blessed angel sent from petty bitch heaven” – asked her what she would say to Angelina if they were stuck in an elevator. Chelsea probably had the FCC nervous that she was about to release two full minutes worth of expletives. But Chelsea said that she wouldn’t say a thing.
“I would just…I would just look up. Exactly what people do in elevators, you know when you fake look at the number because you just don’t want to make eye contact? That would be exactly the elevator ride. And then I’d go, ‘Hey!’ as I walked out.”
If Hell freezes over and Chelsea does one day find herself riding an elevator with her favorite “fucking lunatic,” I hope she’s prepared in the event her plan backfires. I can only imagine how many drinks she’ll need if Angelina chases after her and offers an autograph. “I know you were too nervous to ask. Now, who should I make this out to?”
Here’s Chelsea at the Netflix Comedy Panel For Your Consideration event in Beverly Hills on Tuesday.
Chelsea Handler is talking about Jennifer Aniston’s life again. Chelsea has turned cheering for Team Aniston into a full-time job. The next time Jenny swings by Chelsea’s for a wine night, she better think about bringing a W-4 and a vacation request form.
After Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s marriage imploded, Chelsea slapped at anyone who dragged Jennifer Aniston into the drama. According to Chelsea, Jennifer didn’t have a single fuck to give about Brangelina’s demise. Chelsea recently decided to say it one more time for the people in the back who might not have heard it the first time. Chelsea was asked by UK’s You magazine (via UsWeekly) about leaping to Jennifer’s defense after the news broke of her ex-husband’s divorce. Chelsea doesn’t have to defend her friend, because there’s nothing to defend against.
“I don’t think Jen cares about what’s going on and it’s crazy that people think she does. As if she’s sitting around caring about [Angelina Jolie]. I know I don’t.”
Regardless of whether or not she cares about Brad and Angelina, she does have shit to say about them. Chelsea can’t help it; she’s the people’s mouth.
“I just say what most people are thinking.”
But of course Jennifer Aniston isn’t sitting around thinking about Angelina Jolie. She’s got better things to do, like selling body yogurt. Chelsea, on the other hand. A 98-year-old Chelsea is going to be in a Hollywood nursing home hooked up to an oxygen tank hissing “Listen, Jennifer doesn’t care that Angelina Jolie donated her mashed peas at lunch this afternoon, and neither do I.”
Here’s Jennifer Aniston in leather and her husband Justin Theroux in – prepare to be shocked – a skinny tie at the Season 3 premiere of The Leftovers in Los Angeles last night.
Variety interviewed a bunch of Hollywood and media types about Donald Trump’s win and one of them was Chelsea Handler. Surprisingly, Chelsea didn’t say that crazy bitch Angelina Jolie is solely to blame for President-elect Trump becoming an actual thing. Instead of doing that, Chelsea directed everyone to point their blaming fingers at Calabasas, CA.
Last night, Chelsea Handler attended an event called Gala for the Children, which sounds like the pretentious way Gwyneth Paltrow would describe a kid’s birthday party but is actually a charity event. Chelsea was there to introduce her friend, celebrity divorce lawyer Laura Wasser. Laura was being recognized for her charity work with children, and Chelsea was there because she’s had Laura on her show a couple times. Laura also just so happens to be representing “fucking lunatic” (copyright: Chelsea Handler) Angelina Jolie in her divorce from Brad Pitt. You already know where this is going.
Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.
It’s been more than a month since Angelina Jolie (or “That Fucking Lunatic” as she’s known in Chelsea Handler’s house) filed for divorce from Brad Pitt. And since then, Jennifer Aniston has been dragged into the conversation, of course. Two of those times were courtesy of Jennifer’s friends announcing to the world that we should keep her out of it. Another friend has come forward with their thoughts on it all. Sadly, it’s not Marcel the Monkey.