Martha Stewart didn’t need a shank made from a filed down toothbrush when she was locked up in bougie-prison. She had an array of ceramicist’s tools which were probably dull compared to the shank that lives inside her mouth. And Martha’s still using that sharp tongue of hers to assert her dominance, only instead of using it to become the untouchable queen of Alderson Federal Prison Camp’s arts and crafts room, she’s using it to take down thirst trap copy cats with inferior swimming pools. Chelsea Handler attempted to recreate Martha’s recent swimming pool selfie which, according to TMZ, “delighted fans across the globe.” No surprise, Martha was not impressed.
Here’s Chelsea’s take on Rich Blond Lady Relaxes in a Swimming Pool While the Rest of the World Burns.
In the caption of her pic, Martha went into great detail about her bespoke swimming pool noting its age, finish, chlorine content, and positioning.
My pool in East Hampton is the place to be on a 89 degree day! When I built the pool thirty years ago it was designed to be as chlorine free as possible, with a natural concrete finish-no paint- and it fit in a long narrow space between the house and the property line. I made it extra deep for diving and with no protruding steps so we could really race the length without worrying about obstacles. After all these years, It is a fun place to swim!!!
Martha noted almost as much about what was amiss with Chelsea’s little attempt. Here’s what Martha commented on the picture (via Page Six):
“I’m so happy that you liked my post well enough to emulate it,” she critiqued. “I do think my pool is a little bit prettier than yours and that my facial expression is a little more relaxed.”
“Nevertheless you are a beautiful girl and FUCKING too young to be emulating me,” she said, changing her tune. “Continue with your comedy, your humor, and your amazing ability to gather around you political liberals. We need it! Love Martha.”
In other words, “your pool is busted, your face is busted, you don’t look 45 anymore than I look 78, your diamonds are minuscule and basically, on the whole, you could never. But good luck with doing whatever it is you poor people do.” At least that’s what I heard when I read Martha’s comment. I think she’s been drunk grammin’ again. But While Martha may be the felonious Mistress of East Hampton, I’d like to see her come for a real one. Behold: Perfection!
— Elvira (@TheRealElvira) July 23, 2020
Say some shit now Martha, that tongue is no match for Elvira, Mistress of The Dark.