They did it, gang. D.B. Weiss and David Benioff shit themselves as expected, but still managed to limp over the finish line to collect their check and participation trophy. Game of Thrones is finally over. Time to lay down our swords and memes. We have today, and today alone, to reflect on the mistakes we’ve made (not noping out after season 3) and the time that we’ve wasted (72 hours, 16 minutes) since Game of Thrones premiered in June of 2011. So, with that in mind, what the fuck, right?
*obviously, spoilers ahead*
Well, it happened. April 26, 2019 arrived and we’re all still breathing. That means Taylor Swift’s sinister countdown clock that threatened the end of life as we know it with a sticky, sweet rainbow Laffy Taffy blast that would have suffocated every last man, woman, child, and kitty cat on earth. There was an explosion, but it was contained within the confines of the Mary Poppins Returns sound stage. And the only casualty was poor Brendon Urie, who was killed by an errant butterfly. Praise Mariah. WE HAVE BEEN SPARED.
Last Friday’s homegoing celebration for Aretha Franklin’s was all over the place and lasted approximately 9 hours so I’m shocked anybody in that church was alert and listening by the time Reverend Jasper Williams Jr. got around to the eulogy that capped off the day’s events. Sadly, Aretha’s family were listening and what they heard was, in their words, “offensive and distasteful”. People reports that Jasper (I refuse to use his honorifics) used his platform to push his own bizarre agenda which included criticizing Black folks, and Black single mothers in particular, which Aretha was 4 times over. The family said he “spent more than 50 minutes speaking and at no time did he properly eulogize her”. That’s like getting a steaming turd in lieu of a cherry on top of an otherwise delicious (albeit melty) sundae.
Today mourners from all over the world flocked to Detroit to pay their respects to The Queen, Aretha Franklin as she lay in state for the first of two days of public viewing. The gold casket in which she lies is a fitting bed for a woman who’s style and panache were legendary. According to Page Six, crowds of people circled the block, some camping out overnight for a chance to say their goodbyes.
Aretha Franklin’s funeral will be held next week, but before that happens, the family must gather around a television set in some opulent, wood paneled, Detroit Deco office somewhere and wait patiently as her lawyer walks in with a video tape and pops it in the VCR to play a very dramatic special message Aretha recorded days prior to her passing. He hits play, everyone is riveted. Who will get the fur collection? But it’s nothing but static.