Category: The Slow One
So, Kanye West’s Weird Album Listening Party/Fashion Show Happened Today….
At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.
I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.
Tyga Thinks Blac Chyna Is A Mess And Is Trying To Get Primary Custody Of Their Son
Out of everyone involved in the love story of our time that is Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna’s dramatic love affair, I assumed Kris Jenner was the person most likely to be laying awake at night with an anxious knot in their stomach (“Think, pimp, think…there’s got to be a way to bring in more family members and exploit this even further“). It turns out that person is actually Blac Chyna’s former fiance/current baby daddy Tyga.
TMZ says Tyga is so concerned with Blac Chyna’s recent shit life decisions – you know, like getting hauled off an airplane for being a dunk mess – that he’s seeking primary custody of their 3-year-old son King Cairo. Tyga’s current custody situation is that they share King (something Blac Chyna tried to get changed back in May to full custody in an attempt to keep King away from Tyga’s then-underage girlfriend Kylie Jenner). Sources close to Tyga claim he wants BC’s contact with King to be limited to weekend visits because he’s worried her problems with booze and drugs might be putting their son at risk.
One thing he apparently doesn’t care about is that she’s doing Rob Kardashian or that Rob may be hanging around his kid. Sources say Tyga saw a video The Sock One recently posted a video of them on a playdate (TMZ has the riveting footage here), and he just sort of shrugged. Tyga doesn’t have a problem with Rob, and he isn’t worried about being replaced as a father.
You know, if Tyga becomes a full-time daddy, he gets a lot more than just his son. He also gets a better excuse for the next time he gets caught hitting up 14-year-olds on Instagram. “What? I was just looking for a babysitter!” And to be honest, it wouldn’t exactly be a lie, since the current teenager in his life is too busy going to the club to do any babysitting. Speaking of, here’s Kylie Jenner, who appears to be wearing a dress stolen from a low-budget small town production of Cats, kruising into the klub with her sisters last night.
Rob Kardashian Has Been Diagnosed With Diabetes
Because Rob Kardashian isn’t nearly as pimpable as his sisters, he falls fairly low on the Keeping Up With The Kardashians kall sheet and we don’t really see him that much on TV. We also don’t see him in real life that often either, because Rob doesn’t speed dial the paps every time he farts like the rest of them. The last we heard from Rob, he was maybe-addicted to cough syrup cocktails and dragging his sister on Instagram. Well, we have an update on Rob, and it’s not great.
TMZ says that the Kardashian family sock mogul-turned-Kardashian family version of a Bigfoot sighting was rushed to the hospital on Sunday and diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Apparently Rob had no idea that he was diabetic. Sources tell TMZ that Rob’s official diagnosis is something called diabetic ketoacidosis. “Ketoacidosis? I think I injected that into my forehead once” thought Kim Kardashian.
Rob caught his diabeetus in the nick of time; according to TMZ, if he had ignored the sick feeling he felt on Sunday, he could have gone into a diabetic coma. A source says that if Rob starts to eat right (RIP all those late-night In-N-Out runs) and take care of himself, he can control his diabetes and maybe get it into remission.
Poor Kris Jenner; she must be so conflicted right now. On her right shoulder is a tiny angel consoling her after finding out that her only son is sick in a bad way with diabetes. On the left is a skanky devil screaming with glee and congratulating her on her great new story line for the next season of KUWTK. What am I saying? She totally flicked the angel off her shoulder and started doing celebratory vodka shots with the skanky devil.
Speaking of Rob’s possible return, here’s a kouple kast members working hard to avoid a KUWTK pay kut by strolling into a play gym earlier today.
Pics: Splash
Kourtney Kardashian Is Allegedly Humping On Justin Bieber
And the 2015 She Don’t Love Herself award goes to….
Back in October, Kourtney Kardashian – the stale old fashioned plain donut of the Kardashian family – was seen getting her single mom party on at a club with humanoid blue raspberry Go-Gurt tube Justin Bieber. At the time, I assumed Justin was interviewing for an entry-level position in the Kardashian Khorporation as a babysitter for Kourtney’s kids (you know, so she can get out to the clubs more than twice a week). But according to Gossip Cop, it turns out the only entry-level position she was auditioning for was – you know what? I can’t even finish that joke because it’s making me too nauseous just thinking about it.
36-year-old Kourtney and 21-year-old Justin were seen leaving a club on Friday night and going to Justin’s room at the Montage in Beverly Hills, where she didn’t leave until 4am. A source who’s name I’m sure doesn’t rhyme with Piss Penner tells Gossip Cop that they have been “casually hooking up” since hanging out in October. Yes, as in more than once. Even Kourtney’s deadbeat douchebag baby daddy Scott Disick is probably reacting to this news like “Him? Really?” Well, that or he’s flattered that his ex is rebounding with the Micro Machines version of himself.
This situation is all kinds of NO, but on the bright side, Kourtney won’t have to plan much if Justin decides to sleep over at her house on Christmas Eve. She still has a few days to write a letter to Santa and ask if he could throw a couple extra Legos in his sack. You know, so Justin doesn’t get jealous of Kourtney’s kids on Christmas morning and pout in the corner.
Here’s Kourtney and Justin leaving The Nice Guy on Friday night. I have no idea why Kourtney is dressed like an extra from Dynasty, but whatever the reason, I’m really bummed she didn’t go all out and feather the shit out the front of her hair. Ugh, so lazy this one.
Pics: Splash/INF
The Kartrashian Koven Is Trying To Destroy Rebel Wilson!
It goes without saying, but yeah, Rebel Wilson makes a better Victoria’s Secret model than Kendall Jenner.
Rebel Wilson was a guest on the Australian radio show, Kyle & Jackie O, not long ago and she told them about the time she said “HELL NO” to presenting an award with Kendull and Kylie Jenner at the MTV VMAs. Rebel said that the Kartrashians stand for everything she is against and they didn’t work for their fame. As far as I know, Rebel’s comments didn’t get any backlash at all. Everyone pretty much slow clapped for her. Well, everyone but Oprah’s Kartrashian-loving ass slow clapped for her. But according to Rebel, deep down in Pimp Mama Kris’ lair of evil, a publicist is carrying out a diabolical plan to smear her!!
Oprah Thinks The Kartrashians Are Extremely Hard Workers
Back when the Kartrashians didn’t totally look like 80 pounds of silicone and butt jelly in a 40 pound Balmain bag, Oprah interviewed them and claims she saw first-hand how much “hard work” it takes to look and be that fake. While Rebel Wilson and Uncle Tim Gunn are publicly saying that the Kartrashians are about as useless as a dildo made of sand, Oprah is guzzling down Pimp Mama Kris’ home brewed Kool-Aid (made of the tears of Kartrashian men and Lucifer’s jizz) and is defending them.