Category: The Slow One
Tim Gunn Took A Giant Krap On The Kardashians
And just like that, Tim Gunn received an invoice from Kardashian family pimp Kris Jenner with a copy of that headline and a note saying: “Just letting you know that sort of thing costs extra.”
If you woke up this morning with a little extra pep in your step, you can thank the no-fucks-giving angel of truth Tim Gunn. Once again, Tim opened his heart and released a million warm feelings during a recent interview with the Huffington Post while talking about America’s First Family of Frozen-Faced Tackiness. It all started when Tim was asked his thoughts on Kanye West’s latest collection of crappy clothing. Somewhere in Hell, Satan is already sweating the angry conference call he’s about to get from Pimp Mama Kris and her kurrent favorite son-in-law. Continue reading
Rebel Wilson Wants Nothing To Do With The Kartrashians
If you own goats and live in the Calabasas area, throw a rosary around their necks and keep them inside, because Pimp Mama Kris is going to send Khlozilla out to catch a few of them since she’ll need their blood to cast a black magic kurse on Rebel Wilson for shitting on her koven of hos.
Khloe Kartrashian And Lamar Odom Didn’t Get Back Together
I don’t know how you can break your silence when you haven’t been silent for years, but okay, People.
Because Pimp Mama Kris felt like now was a great time to stop feeding krap to the media through “sources” and milk the situation for an exclusive cover interview, Khloe Kartrashian said lines that a script writer and publicist wrote for her while talking to People Magazine. The picture of her giving us “sads but maintaining the sexy” was a nice touch, but they really should’ve added a halo since she’s the saint who saved Lamar Odom from death! (UPDATE: Khloe wookie slapped us haters on Twitter by saying that this photo shoot for People was done before Lamar was found unconscious in a brothel and she was kontractually obligated to due a 5-minute follow-up interview after what happened.)
Kanye West Made Everyone Dress Up As A Knocked Up Kim Kartrashian For Her Birthday Party
And everyone gets an F! That’s not how you dress up as a pregnant Kim Kartrashian. What you have to do is buy 5 of the biggest plastic beach balls you can find, fill them with gallons upon gallons of soil jelly and strap 2 to your chest, 2 to your ass cheeks and 1 to your belly. Once you’ve done that, put on 6 pairs of Spanx and wrap your body in several layers of Saran Wrap before you get 4 of your strongest friends and a truck with a trailer hitch to squeeze you into a size 2 Spandex dress in either black or beige. If you’re able to breathe through your mouth while wearing that dress, it’s not tight enough. So get your friends to cut you out of it and put you in a smaller one. You will know if the dress is the right size if it’s so tight that you have to breathe out of your asshole. After you achieve that, slap a rubber trout mask over your face and get someone to spray you down with orange paint. There you go! Knocked Up Kim!
Lamar Odom’s Condition Has Reportedly Gotten Better (UPDATE)
Yesterday, practically everybody reported that Lamar Odom’s condition was every kind of bleak and getting worse. It was reported that he was on a ventilator and didn’t have any brain activity. There were also konflicting reports about whose paw he squeezed. ET said that Lamar “fluttered his eyes open” and squeezed Kim Kartrashian’s hand, and TMZ said that Lamar squeezed his wife Khloe Kartrashian’s hand. See, this is what happens when a pack of fame whores don’t come together and get their stories straight before leaking it to the media. Pimp Mama Kris is slipping! Today TMZ is saying there’s a little glimmer of hope, because LamLam’s heart function is getting better.
And Now In “What’s Kanye West Ranting About On Twitter Today?” News…
Kanye West, the real-life version of OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD, is very mad about something and wants you to know about it. Last night, Kanye took a break from his usual Friday night routine (reassuring Kim Kardashian that she’s still the most beautiful factory-made fuck doll while staring at himself in a reflective surface) to hop on Twitter and rage hard against Kanye’s latest foe: IN-APP PURCHASES! Sorry, Hatfields and McCoys, but you’ve clearly been replaced as American history’s most hard-core feud.
It all started after Kanye and Kim’s tax write-off (“Miscellaneous photography expense“) North West wandered away from the nanny’s quarters and into Daddy’s room with her iPad. I guess North’s money manager, Pimp Granny Kris Jenner, forgot to link up her My First Black Card with the App Store, because she kept getting notices for in-app purchases on the game she was playing and brought it to Daddy’s attention.
Apparently, Kanye isn’t into hustling little kids for money. So Kanye did what Kanye does when Kanye is mad: Kanye ranted on Twitter about it. “Oh shit” thought Kim while kounting the mountain of kash she makes off the 12-year-olds who hit BUY on every in-app purchase notification in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.