Category: Prince Andrew
King Charles III Gave His First Speech As Monarch
In case you spent your day yesterday under a rock without any Wi-Fi or worms in sight (because even worms know this news), THE QUEEN died at 96 after a 70-year reign. That meant that the royal formerly known as Prince Charles became the second-most famous King Charles (after the King Charles Cavalier). And today, King Charles gave his first speech to the country, and sadly during his pre-recorded address, he didn’t announce that he’s giving up the throne and passing it to England’s Finest Rose Jodie Marsh! No, but Charles did mourn his mother and said that Prince William and Duchess Kate will now be the Prince and Princess of Wales.
Prince Andrew’s Settlement Payment To Virginia Giuffre Was Smaller Than Originally Reported
The only silver lining to have come out of Prince Andrew essentially getting away with murder (ing the last veneer of respectability for the Royal Family), was that at least he was broke, or so we thought, after having paid a reported $12 dollar settlement to make all that sex trafficking bother with his former mate Jeffrey Epstein disappear. However, The Sun reports that Andrew’s mum THE QUEEN probably didn’t have to sell jars of her Royal farts on the internet to help cover his payment to his accuser, Virginia Giuffre, because sources are now saying that Andrew only had to pay $3.5 to $6 million to settle the lawsuit in which Virginia accused him of sexually abusing her when she was 17. The Sun says that Andrew is so not broke in fact, he and Original Fergie just bought a $6 million house in the “posh” Mayfair district in London. So I guess Liz was just selling her farts for Love of God and County. God may save the queen, but THE QUEEN saves her queefs for The People.
A Photographer Claims To Have An “Embarrassing” Picture Of Prince Andrew From His “BBC Newsnight” That Would “Rock The Monarchy” If It Came Out
We’ve all seen enough shocking and embarrassing photos of Prince Andrew to last several lifetimes. I mean his chimpanzee with a coffee addiction teeth-situation alone is shocking and embarrassing enough to warrant an investigation. However, according to The Daily Mail, a photographer who worked on Andrew’s soon-to-be dramatized BBC Newsnight interview, is in possession of a photo of Andrew from that shoot that is “SO shocking,” and “SO embarrassing” that it would “rock the monarchy” if it were ever to be made public. So naturally he “hinted that it may feature” in the upcoming film. No wonder Hugh Grant has denied he’s in talks to play Andrew. Playing a disgraced Royal caught up in a sex scandal involving young girls is one thing, but he’s not about to risk his career and reputation reenacting a scene in which Andrew is covertly photographed reaching into his pants (presumably), pulling out a cheesy dick-booger and smelling it before popping it in his mouth. Talk about a career/boner killer.
A Movie Is Being Made About Prince Andrew’s Disastrous BBC Interview, And It Could Possibly Star Hugh Grant
In November 2019, Prince Andrew agreed to go on television and speak about his relationship with the late Jeffrey Epstein, and the allegations of sexual assault made against him by Virginia Giuffre. It was a mess. An embarrassment. Saturday Night Live couldn’t have written a joke better than the sight of Andrew shifting awkwardly in his chair while claiming he clacks the intrinsic human ability to sweat. And once that interview was over, Andrew probably breathed out a sigh of relief knowing he’d never have to relive that awkward 58-minute nightmare ever again. Wrong! That interview is reportedly making its way from the small screen to the big screen and is being turned into a movie and Hugh Grant is on the wish list to play Andrew.
Prosecutors Want Ghislaine Maxwell To Serve 30-55 Years Behind Bars
Six months ago Prince Andrew was putting his supposedly non-working royal sweat glands to the test when his gal pal Ghislaine Maxwell became the first person convicted on five federal sex trafficking charges to have sat on THE THRONE. But thanks to mummy’s deep pockets by way of the British taxpayer, Kevin Spacey was able to leapfrog over his back to get in line to be the second. Unfortunately for Ghislaine, unlike Andrew, whose very expensive lucky break meant he got to do the alleged crime without having to do the time, Ghislaine is looking at a possible 30-55 years of sitting on the porcelain throne she can see from her cot at her upcoming sentencing trial scheduled to begin on June 28. But don’t feel too badly for her. What Ghislaine’s throne lacks in upholstered opulence, it more than makes up for in security. The guards at Buckingham Palace may have let the riff-raff slip onto THE QUEEN’s throne, but nothing but dookie will be slipping into Ghislaine’s.
Sarah Ferguson Stands By Ex-Husband Prince Andrew And Says She’d Marry Him Again If She Could Go Back In Time
After his family barred him from attending Sunday’s Garter Belt ceremony (or whatever the fuck it’s called), Prince Andrew was in desperate need of a public ego boost. So the disgraced Duke of York transferred some extra cash into Sarah Ferguson’s checking account and ordered her to sing his praises in a Times Radio interview. She complied. The most persecuted woman in the Royal Family says that her ex-husband is actually a very good man (we’ve heard this one before), and she will continue to “stand firmly” by him. The interviewer asked 62-year-old Original Fergie if she’d marry Andrew again if she could go back in time, and she replied that she would. Sweetie, if you are gonna time-travel back to the 80s, might I suggest advising your past self to take a beginner’s course in basic finance? Continue reading