Category: Loyal Royals
Sarah Ferguson Stands By Ex-Husband Prince Andrew And Says She’d Marry Him Again If She Could Go Back In Time
After his family barred him from attending Sunday’s Garter Belt ceremony (or whatever the fuck it’s called), Prince Andrew was in desperate need of a public ego boost. So the disgraced Duke of York transferred some extra cash into Sarah Ferguson’s checking account and ordered her to sing his praises in a Times Radio interview. She complied. The most persecuted woman in the Royal Family says that her ex-husband is actually a very good man (we’ve heard this one before), and she will continue to “stand firmly” by him. The interviewer asked 62-year-old Original Fergie if she’d marry Andrew again if she could go back in time, and she replied that she would. Sweetie, if you are gonna time-travel back to the 80s, might I suggest advising your past self to take a beginner’s course in basic finance? Continue reading
Prince Andrew Has Lost Another Title But THE QUEEN Reportedly Wants Him To Make A Comeback For Her Jubilee
THE QUEEN’s favorite son, Prince Andrew, has been honored with many titles over the years, in addition to the one he was born with, which is Andrew Albert Christian Edward, Duke of First Names. In 1987, on the day he wed Sarah Ferguson, aka Fergie, First Of Her Name, THE QUEEN officially gave him the title of His Royal Highness Prince Andrew, Duke of York. From there he just kept racking up the honorifics, and in addition to several military and honorary titles, Andrew’s been distinguished as Randy Andy, HBH: His Buffoon Highness, Baby Grumpling, Air Miles Andy, The Cunt, and whatever it is his brother Prince Charles calls him behind his back.
Prince William And Duchess Kate’s Royal Tour Of The Caribbean Is Being Met With Protests
Even after the British Commonwealth nation of Barbados decided that Rihanna is the only queen they will be fucking with from here on out last November, The Firm’s inability to read the room continues to be appalling. According to People, Prince William and Duchess Kate have been trotted out on a royal tour of the Caribbean with stops in Belize, Jamaica, and the Bahamas as part of THE QUEEN’s Platinum Jubilee to smile and wave and reinforce stereotypes about white people not being able to dance. Only instead of being met by a sea of adoring royal loyals in Belize, William and Kate were greeted by protesters who didn’t want colonizers landing their helicopter on their football field. And according to The Express, there’s another protest planned ahead of their next scheduled stop in Jamaica where, in an open letter addressed to them, “a group of politicians, business leaders and doctors have called for the British monarchy to pay slavery reparations.” Needless to say, Will’s going to have to pull out some big moves if there’s any chance of salvaging this mess. He’s going to have to drop and do the worm.
Queen Elizabeth Won’t Be Doing Solo Appearances Anymore
Queen Elizabeth appears to be feeling all of her 95 years recently, which causes a problem when your whole life revolves around a job you were thrown into by right of birth and can’t really ever technically retire from. But, a 95-year-old working monarch can slow down a little, which is exactly what The Queen appears to be doing. At the suggestion of her doctors, she’s had to cancel an event in Northern Ireland, and spend a night in a hospital bed to make sure everything is a-ok, health-wise. Now it’s being reported that The Queen won’t be appearing on her own at any future events and will always be accompanied by another senior royal, just in case something goes wrong.
Duchess Kate And Meghan Markle Might Work Together On A Netflix Documentary About Kate’s Charity Work
As the Wheels of Justice come barreling towards THE QUEEN’s favorite child Prince Andrew, The Firm seems to be taking an unusual tact. This time, instead of throwing Meghan Markle under the bus, they’re trying something new by throwing Meghan and her sister-in-law Duchess Kate directly AT the bus. I mean, we know the wheels of justice are actually on more of a slow-moving local bus to Mummy is Disappointed Anew-shire. But Kate and Meghan have been tied together, loaded into a cannon, and launched at it as a distraction just the same. Us Weekly reports that Kate and Meghan are talking about collaborating on a documentary project for Netflix that will “spotlight Kate’s charity work and the huge impact she’s made with her philanthropy.” Hey, look over there! Pretty girls in pretty frocks put aside their differences to save the world through good deeds and preserve the dignity of the monarchy! How cool is that?
Original Fergie Defended Her Son-In-Law’s Yacht Trip Claiming He’s A “Superhero”
Don’t let anyone ever tell you that The Royals don’t pull their weight. They’re not all free-loaders, some of them actually have real jobs, thank you very much. And when you’re maybe not the most intelligent, best looking, or popular royal, having good honest work in the public sector is the best way to honor The Firm and show respect for the British public to whom you owe your position in life. That’s why some members of the Royal Family have called Princess Eugenie‘s husband Jack Brooksbank “a superhero.” Unfortunately for Jack, it was Prince Andrew‘s ex-wife Sarah Ferguson who called him that. And historically, if Original Fergie’s praising you in the press, you’ve done something appalling. In Jack’s case, it was getting photographed partying on a yacht “surrounded by bikini-clad models” while your wife is home with your five-month-old son.