Category: Prince Andrew
The Palace Is Reportedly Nervous About The Upcoming Season Of “The Crown”
The season five premiere of Netflix’s The Crown is lurking just around the corner (November 9) ready to pop out and scream “OOGITY BOOGITY” at Britain’s new King Charles III which is just wrong given his age and general condition. He can barely tolerate holding a leaky fountain pen without screaming like a little bitch, so imagine what it’s going to be like for him to turn on the telly and see Dominic West’s weathered mug reminding the world that despite the fancy gold hat, he’s just a dude who got caught cheating on his wife. According to Salon, The Firm is nervous that The Crown will be focused on the interviews Charles and Princess Diana gave during that time, instead of on THE QUEEN who most likely spent the greater part of the 1980s and 90s tinkering with THE QUEEN-BOT she sent out to smile and wave while she hid out in the stables waiting for it all blow over.
Sources Say King Charles III May Permanently Exile Prince Harry From England
Watch out Great Britain and its Commonwealth subsidiaries; there’s a new sheriff in town. And by sheriff, I of course mean unelected figurehead of an archaic, parasitic institution still perpetuating the myth of the divine right of kings. God’s newest special baby, King Charles III, ain’t your mum’s monarch. You won’t find old Chuckie Trips cooing at corgis and coddling his kids like his mother THE QUEEN. According to The Daily Beast, Chuckie Trips don’t play when it comes to his wayward son Prince Harry, and he’s about to get medieval on his ass. Or, more accurately, he’s reportedly prepared to go Prewar Era on Harry’s ass by having him “permanently exiled” from the kingdom, much like his great uncle King Edward VIII was after abdicating the throne in 1936. And Harry’s not the only Royal who might find themselves on the smooshy underside of Chuckie Trip’s iron fist. His brother Prince Andrew is reportedly stressed that Charles is going to kick him and his ex-wife Sarah Ferguson out of their 31-bedroom Royal Lodge house in Windsor now that mum isn’t around to shield him with her ample bosom. Damn, if I knew Charles was gonna be this ruthless, I wouldn’t have had all those ball caps made that read “Make The Crown That Bitch Again.”
THE QUEEN’S Corgis, Sandy And Muick, Were Brought Out To Watch Her Funeral Procession Arrive At Windsor Castle
Now that THE QUEEN’S farewell tour is over, body language experts and lip readers are probably soaking their overworked eyeballs in a Calgon bath right now after over a week of analyzing every teeny tiny move made by the Royal Family for any sign of drama. But before THE QUEEN arrived at her final resting place, King George VI memorial chapel, several of her beloved pets, including her last corgis, were brought out to say goodbye to her for one final time. And I don’t need to be a corgi body language expert to tell you that THE QUEEN’s last corgis, Sandy and Muick, were watching their human’s funeral procession while hoping that she’d jump out of her coffin, say, “PYSCH, I just wanted to fuck with Chuck,” before scooping them up and taking them far, far away from you know who.
One Man Flashed Everyone And Another One Rushed THE QUEEN’s Coffin At Westminster Hall
THE QUEEN has been gone for over a week now yet the mourning period in the UK continues to march on. I mean this quite literally as her passing has given birth to what will eventually be considered Britain’s greatest achievement: the Queue (or the long-ass line to the more uncouth). Commoners (and David Beckham) have been given the opportunity to see THE QUEEN lying in state but in order to do so, they gotta stand in a 5-mile, potentially 30-hour long queue. THE QUEEN’S Queue has been SO popular that there’s now a queue to join the queue! Based on this display one could say that the British people’s love for orderly standing surpasses their love for their monarchy! However, not everyone is keeping disciplined. There were a few rogues that were determined to make the Queue a(n even more) horrible experience.
King Charles III Faced A Leaky Pen As His Staff Are Facing Layoffs
THE QUEEN hasn’t even been laid to rest yet, but despite only having been king for less than a week, the Monarch Formerly Known as Prince Charles has already heralded in The British Royal Family’s flop age. Today, as THE QUEEN’s THE COFFIN made its procession through the streets of London to Westminster Hall followed by her children King Charles III, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne and Prince Edward, and her grandsons Prince William and Prince Harry, who managed to walk side-by-side without throwing elbows, The Guardian reports that “up to 100 employees at the King’s former official residence” were given “notice of their redundancy,” as King Chuckie Trips and Queen Consort Camila will be moving to Buckingham Palace. Which could prove disastrous from an optics standpoint given that Charles continues to have problems with unfamiliar office supplies and was nearly done in by a fancy fountain pen for a second time in this, the first week of the Carolean Age.
THE QUEEN’S Corgis Are Expected To Live With Prince Andrew And The Original Fergie
Yikes all the way to Hell and back, baby. After THE QUEEN’s death last week, there was talk that a few of her beloved pet dogs–two corgis named Sandy and Muick, a dorgi named Candy, and a Cocker Spaniel named Lissy–would possibly go to accused sexual abuser Prince Andrew. And now sources claim that he and his ex-wife, Duchess Sarah Ferguson, will get two of the dogs. RING ALL THE ALARMS!