Maybe 2019 will finally be Princess Beatrice’s year. People reports that Michael K’s 5th favorite royal (after Prince Hot Ginge, THE QUEEN, Susan the Corgi and The Original Fergie) is “completely head over heels in love” for the first time since breaking up with her previous boyfriend of 10 years in 2016. Bea’s new beau is “34-year-old multi-millionaire property tycoon” Eduardo Mapeli Mozzi. People says Edo (as he’s known) and Bea have known each other for years but that the “relationship didn’t turn romantic until recently”. However, this wouldn’t be a story about Princess Bea if there wasn’t a whiff of scandal in the air.
The Daily Mail suggests that Bea and Edo’s romance may have overlapped with the relationship Edo had with his fiancé of three years and mother of his 3-year-old son. I fully expect Bea to start a campaign to collect the world’s trombones and smelt them down into a fiery miasma because Womp, Womp, Womp, Wahhh.
Even though Duchess Meghan wasn’t there to scream “move your bloomin’ ass” from the stands or make some other gauche faux pas like she did at Trooping The Colour, there was still plenty of excitement to be had at the opening day of the Royal Ascot horse race. The annual event which, according to People began in 1711, was attended by Her Royal Highness THE QUEEN, Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice as well as those clog shuffling, french fry dipping, dyke plugging royals King Willem-Alexander and Queen Maxima of the Netherlands. In other words, every duke and earl and peer was there, everyone who should be there was there. And that folks, is your My Fair Lady deep cut for the day.
On this Christmas Day (otherwise known as Annual Gross Lovey Dovey Couples Hijacking Jesus’ Born Day By Announcing They Got Engaged Day), Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Meghan, Prince William, and Duchess Kate did their second annual foursome strut to St. Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham, only this time they were all probably thinking to themselves, “Smile something extra to kill those goddamn tabloids rumors.” Why do I have a feeling that before their little PR sashay to church, THE QUEEN texted all of them and recited Rose McGowan’s speech from Jawbreaker when she said, “You all are going to walk into that church and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking keen, get it?”
Even though Prince George graced Princess Eugenie with his presence at her wedding because he knew he needed to do something to drum up ratings since even the BBC wasn’t wanting to air it. The future King of England is usually a ham when in public, which is refreshing since THE QUEEN isn’t exactly known for making weird noises and faces at anyone unless it’s when Donald Trump keeps her ass waiting around. Anyway, at today’s Eh Royal Wedding between Eugenie and her cousin (distant, but who cares! It’ll never get old!) Jack Brooksbank, George decided to go searching for some royal gold…up his nose.
Princess Beatrice stole the show, fashion-wise, at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding back in 2011 when she showed up wearing a hat that looked like one of The Queen’s more decorative toilet seat covers. There must be something in Bea’s DNA that inspires some truly wonky formal hat choices. Because Fergie did not disappoint in the hat department on the wedding day of her daughter Princess Eugenie today.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.