A lot of people have had a difficult pandemic what with all the people dying and the economic collapse and everything, but I don’t think anyone has had a tougher go of it than Tom Cruise. He’s supposed to be balls deep in speed right now but COVID-19 related production delays for both Top Gun 2: Buttercup Buckles Up and Mission: Impossible VII means no promo tours for Tommy and therefore no couches to pummel with his tiny, furious feet. So if the rumors are true and Tom’s next Chosen One is in fact his MI7 costar Haley Atwell, he’s stuck parading her around at Wimbledon instead of giving her the proper promotion promised in all his previous contracts.
I think we’re supposed to be boycotting Amazon today because some of its employees are striking “to protest their pay, working conditions and a range of other issues” (per CNN), but it doesn’t look like CEO Jeff Bezos has been losing any sleep over it. He spent yesterday at Wimbledon, in the Royal Box, with his mistress-no-more Lauren Sanchez sitting high above the hoi polloi (like domestic Chardonnay drinker Woody Harrelson). I guess rich people don’t go Instagram official, they go Wimbledon official. According to Page Six, the Wimbledon outing was just one of many uber rich people activities Jeff and Lauren have indulged in this summer since their relationship no longer needs to be on the DL.
The men’s final at Wimbledon provided us with high and lows, heartbreak and perseverance and they all mostly centered around Woody Harrelson’s reactions and the drama around him getting another drink. WHICH HE DID…but then had to drink in the hallway….before his triumph return to his seat. It had it all. Woody Harrelson reminded everyone the importance of having Woody Harrelson at any and all events. Even the announcers were counting how many drinks Woody had and while cutting to him for a reaction. Truly a great moment for the sport of tennis!
The Duchesses Went To Wimbledon, And Didn’t Scratch Each Other’s Faces Off Or Send A Pic Taker To The Gallows
When Duchess Meghan went to Wimbledon last week, it turned into an international ESCANDALO where it became clear she’s the greatest threat to the British empire since (insert whoever was the greatest threat to the British empire because I definitely passed out in world history class during that part). Meghan was called a nightmare who sicced her security after any uncouth peasant who dared to take her picture at a public event, and caused the corneas of the upper-class to burn from the sight of her low-class peon rags (aka jeans).
You would think that all the courts at Wimbledon would’ve crumbled from the unforgivable crime of Meghan wearing jeans, but they didn’t. And at the Ladies Final at Wimbledon today, Meghan showed up with Duchess Kate and Third Wheel Pippa. They sat in the Royal Box in front of Martina Navratilova and an unamused memaw in a polka dress who is obviously thinking, “How dare that Kate show up in the dress I like to wear at Christmas dinner each year.”