The Duchesses Went To Wimbledon, And Didn’t Scratch Each Other’s Faces Off Or Send A Pic Taker To The Gallows
When Duchess Meghan went to Wimbledon last week, it turned into an international ESCANDALO where it became clear she’s the greatest threat to the British empire since (insert whoever was the greatest threat to the British empire because I definitely passed out in world history class during that part). Meghan was called a nightmare who sicced her security after any uncouth peasant who dared to take her picture at a public event, and caused the corneas of the upper-class to burn from the sight of her low-class peon rags (aka jeans).
You would think that all the courts at Wimbledon would’ve crumbled from the unforgivable crime of Meghan wearing jeans, but they didn’t. And at the Ladies Final at Wimbledon today, Meghan showed up with Duchess Kate and Third Wheel Pippa. They sat in the Royal Box in front of Martina Navratilova and an unamused memaw in a polka dress who is obviously thinking, “How dare that Kate show up in the dress I like to wear at Christmas dinner each year.”
Mossimo Reportedly Yelled At Olivia Jade’s High School Guidance Counselor After Being Questioned About Her “Rowing Credentials”
The Lori Laughlin and Mossimo Giannuli’s scandal just took another turn as Olivia Jade’s high school guidance counselor is reportedly getting called as a witness in their case (because you know, this mess is going to trial as of now since Aunt Becky and Mossimo made the genius move of pleading not guilty and think it’s they’re only chance of clearing their pristine reputations). Shit was already real, but now shit just really really really got real because of a high school guidance counselor getting involved. If the assistant principal gets called next, they are truly fucked!!!
Duchess Meghan is looking into doing her birth (gasp!) her way. She’s reportedly exploring the possibility of pushing out the seventh in line to The Crown at home and going the GOOP route by using a more holistic approach to keep the OUCHES at bay. And just like that, the labor and delivery wards of the UK are joining the media in proclaiming that Duchess Meghan ruins EVERYTHING.
Prince Williams’ Lawyers Are Trying To Stop The Rumor That He Had An Affair With Duchess Kate’s Best Friend
Hey pathetic commoners, hold on to your fascinator, clutch those pearls, and clench the ruby butt plug! What started as a little royal spat between Duchess Kate and her (former) bff, Rose Hanbury, has morphed into a full blown royal mess that the royal lawyers have to try to clean up.
Logan Marshall-Green’s Wife Diane Gaeta Called Out His Cheating Ways On Instagram After Filing For Divorce
If you’re saying “who?” over that headline like I did, let me assure you that this isn’t about that dickhead YouTuber or some amazing Logan’s Run sequel you’ve been waiting 40 years for (which is actually happening!). 42-year-old Logan Marshall-Green is an actor who just got figuratively John Bobbitt-ed by his now 38-year-old estranged wife Diane Gaeta over her public Instagram allegations of his cheating ways that led to her filing for divorce yesterday.
March, 12, 2019: The day that the definition of random was redefined with a story about a college admissions ESCANDALO involving Lynette Scavo (real name: Felicity Huffman) and Aunt Becky (real name: Lori Loughlin). This Desperate Housewives/Full House crossover where Lynette Scavo and Aunt Becky share a jail cell after getting taken away from their homes in handcuffs for allegedly paying bribes to get their children into college IS the weirdest reboot ever.
NBC News says that Felicity and Lori are among 40 who were indicted in a college entrance exam cheating scheme. They were both charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services fraud. Cut to Aunt Becky’s TV husband Uncle Jesse letting out a “HAVE MERCY!” over having to bail her alleged cheating ass out.