March, 12, 2019: The day that the definition of random was redefined with a story about a college admissions ESCANDALO involving Lynette Scavo (real name: Felicity Huffman) and Aunt Becky (real name: Lori Loughlin). This Desperate Housewives/Full House crossover where Lynette Scavo and Aunt Becky share a jail cell after getting taken away from their homes in handcuffs for allegedly paying bribes to get their children into college IS the weirdest reboot ever.
NBC News says that Felicity and Lori are among 40 who were indicted in a college entrance exam cheating scheme. They were both charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services fraud. Cut to Aunt Becky’s TV husband Uncle Jesse letting out a “HAVE MERCY!” over having to bail her alleged cheating ass out.
I read this story about eight times yesterday at eight different sites, and unpacking it was like trying to unpack a messy suitcase while operating on 20 minutes of sleep at 3 in the morning after an 8-hour long flight where a baby screamed the entire way and the Ambien I took refused to work. I just wanted to close up my suitcase and eat a microwaved Marie Callender’s chicken pot pie while watching 90 Day Fiancé reruns. But here we are. This story involves an underage porn, blackmail, and the murder of an openly gay trap star. If you just can’t with any of this, and would rather watch the totally fake chancelta-throwing video that keeps landing in my inbox, here you go.
Jeff And MacKenzie Bezos Didn’t Have A Prenup, And His Wandering Peen May Be The Reason Why They’re Divorcing
Delicately-crafted lion floret Jocelyn Wildenstein currently holds the record for getting the biggest divorce settlement in history with a total of $3.8 billion (although she’s pretty much cash broke now and had to replace her usual kitty litter of crushed diamonds with Tidy Cats). But MacKenzie Bezos, wife of the richest man in the world, is easily going to take down that record, and she’s reportedly got some major ammunition in the form of loads that Jeff Bezos shot up into his side piece.
The direct opposite of shocking is that a 54-year-old billionaire cheated on his wife of 25 years. But what is shocking is that Jeff Bezos has been accused of cheating on 48-year-old MacKenzie with just one side ho (although, I just clicked one-day shipping while ordering a steel umbrella from Amazon, because I’m sure many, many side hos are going to fall from the sky). What also is shocking is that Jeff hasn’t been accused of cheating with a 20-year-old Sports Illustrated model who really gets him. Jeff has been accused of cheating with his wife’s 49-year-old friend Lauren Sanchez, who I haven’t thought about since she hosted the first season of So You Think You Can Dance in 2005.
Outside of Buckingham Palace right now, THE QUEEN has tossed her crown inside and pulled out a matchbook as her minions pour gasoline all around that joint. THE QUEEN will then light the match, throw it at that bitch, and as it burns down, she’ll strut away from her former royal life and into her new life as a commoner Corgi farmer in the countryside. Because the monarchy is close to being a thing of the past thanks to Duchess Meghan continually dropping a treasonous shit on royal protocol.
Meghan has already made the ghosts of past royals queef out a dusty cloud of outrage by baring her American hussy trollop shoulders at an event, getting into a car before THE QUEEN, crossing her legs, and brushing Prince Hot Ginge’s freckled paw at work. And now The Daily Mail has more proof that Meghan is probably a secret agent for Morrissey who is bringing down the royal family from the inside. PHG and “royal aides” are not amused with Meghan always wearing pants.
The producers of Days of Our Lives, Young and the Restless, and whatever other soap opera is still on the air should really hire Duchess Meghan’s melodramatic father Thomas Markle to write for them, because he’s bringing the twists, turns and theatrical drama. Thomas was supposed to walk Meghan down the aisle, but when it came out that he staged embarrassing pap pics, he had a heart attack and eventually pulled out of the wedding completely because he needed to have surgery.
One of Meghan’s unnamed friends is now telling The Daily Mail that Thomas’ heart attack and surgery was about as fake as Prince Hot Ginge’s denial that he’s really in love with an old skinny fat blogger from California. The friend claims Thomas faked a heart attack to get sympathy from the public and to also get out of going to the wedding. The creators of The Crown better send Thomas his favorite thing, a stack of cash, as a thank you for giving them some serious ESCANDALOSONESS for season 8.
Two of Donald Trump’s alleged side pieces, Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, both said that he raw-dogged them. So I doubt that one layer of shock covered the face of anyone who read the rumor about how he’s got a secret love child out there. Shit, because Trump seems to be into busting raw orange nuts into his side tricks, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got a whole secret love child army out there. And yes, that’s the face he makes when he busts a raw orange nut into his side tricks. I hope you weren’t in the middle of eating slightly curdled cream of pumpkin soup.
But the story isn’t that Trump maybe-boned a secret love child into one of his mistresses. It’s that The National Enquirer may have once again bought a story and killed it to protect him during the 2016 presidential election.