Buckingham Palace Released A Statement Regarding Prince Andrew’s Feelings About Jeffrey Epstein. Guys, He’s Appalled!
Prince Andrew is appalled! Appalled, do you hear!? He honestly couldn’t be any more appalled than he currently is, which is quite appalled indeed! According to a statement released by Buckingham Palace, Andrew is very confused as to why anyone would think that he, of all people, would condone “the exploitation of any human being” which, by the way, he thinks is absolutely abhorrent. Mind you, he doesn’t necessarily think human exploitation is abhorrent, he’s just appalled to hear that that his old pal Jeffrey Epstein was accused of that. No, what’s abhorrent is that anybody has the absolute gall to suggest he had anything to do with it. Andrew is the real victim here, and if you’re not appalled by that, you’re not paying attention!
Those of us who count Robin from Waiting To Exhale as our favorite Waiting To Exhale character stretched out our fingers and downed a Gatorade yesterday in preparation to attack the Instagram page of Nicole Murphy with Robin bird emojis (the official emoji of Robin from Waiting To Exhale). Because Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife got papped touching lips with the husband of Lela Rochon, who played Robin. But Nicole Murphy would like you to know to not nominate her and Lela Rochon’s husband for The Home Wrecking Hall of Fame and The Cheating Slut Hall of Fame, respectively, because they’re just close family friends who greet each other with a touch of the lips.
The Duchesses Went To Wimbledon, And Didn’t Scratch Each Other’s Faces Off Or Send A Pic Taker To The Gallows
When Duchess Meghan went to Wimbledon last week, it turned into an international ESCANDALO where it became clear she’s the greatest threat to the British empire since (insert whoever was the greatest threat to the British empire because I definitely passed out in world history class during that part). Meghan was called a nightmare who sicced her security after any uncouth peasant who dared to take her picture at a public event, and caused the corneas of the upper-class to burn from the sight of her low-class peon rags (aka jeans).
You would think that all the courts at Wimbledon would’ve crumbled from the unforgivable crime of Meghan wearing jeans, but they didn’t. And at the Ladies Final at Wimbledon today, Meghan showed up with Duchess Kate and Third Wheel Pippa. They sat in the Royal Box in front of Martina Navratilova and an unamused memaw in a polka dress who is obviously thinking, “How dare that Kate show up in the dress I like to wear at Christmas dinner each year.”
Mossimo Reportedly Yelled At Olivia Jade’s High School Guidance Counselor After Being Questioned About Her “Rowing Credentials”
The Lori Laughlin and Mossimo Giannuli’s scandal just took another turn as Olivia Jade’s high school guidance counselor is reportedly getting called as a witness in their case (because you know, this mess is going to trial as of now since Aunt Becky and Mossimo made the genius move of pleading not guilty and think it’s they’re only chance of clearing their pristine reputations). Shit was already real, but now shit just really really really got real because of a high school guidance counselor getting involved. If the assistant principal gets called next, they are truly fucked!!!
Duchess Meghan is looking into doing her birth (gasp!) her way. She’s reportedly exploring the possibility of pushing out the seventh in line to The Crown at home and going the GOOP route by using a more holistic approach to keep the OUCHES at bay. And just like that, the labor and delivery wards of the UK are joining the media in proclaiming that Duchess Meghan ruins EVERYTHING.
Prince Williams’ Lawyers Are Trying To Stop The Rumor That He Had An Affair With Duchess Kate’s Best Friend
Hey pathetic commoners, hold on to your fascinator, clutch those pearls, and clench the ruby butt plug! What started as a little royal spat between Duchess Kate and her (former) bff, Rose Hanbury, has morphed into a full blown royal mess that the royal lawyers have to try to clean up.