Believe it or not, but up until today, Duchess Meghan wasn’t the only woman in Britain who is pregnant with a human, even though 3,865,999 posts about her pregnancy may make you think otherwise. But Pippa Middleton (aka Duchess Kate’s younger sister aka the owner of the ASS who upstaged Duchess Kate at the OTHER royal wedding) also had a baby growing in her body. She doesn’t anymore, because Pippa pippa’d out a baby yesterday.
People says that 35-year-old Pippa and her 41-year-old billionaire husband of a year James Matthews are first-time parents after she gave birth to an almost-nine pound baby boy at 1:58pm London time yesterday. Pippa gave birth at the legendary Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital. That’s where Duchess Kate fulfilled her job duty as an heir-producing machine by giving birth to the third, fourth, and fifth in line to the British throne. But unlike DK, I don’t think hundreds of royal-heads and paparazzi were waiting outside of the Lindo Wing door for her to come out looking Betty Draper perfect. Instead, the only one waiting for Pippa outside was probably Keira Knightley who was ready to pounce on a bitch if she wasn’t wearing a dirty post-birth Pamper, an oversized t-shirt covered with placenta bits and piss-stained sweats.
Pippa was a guest at Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge’s Baby Announcement Ceremony (read: Princess Eugenie’s wedding) on Friday, so there was a chance she could’ve gone into labor there. But even if she did, nobody would care. If that baby boy’s head popped out of Pippa, THE QUEEN would say, “Girl, will you shut that thing up, I’m trying to listen to my favorite granddaughter tell me news I really care about!”
Pippa and James haven’t announced what their kid’s name is yet, but I’m hoping they go with Pippo. But I’m guessing they’ll either go with FuckKuntyKarl Matthews or something subtle like CousinOfTheFutureKing Matthews. Probably the second one.