The producers of Days of Our Lives, Young and the Restless, and whatever other soap opera is still on the air should really hire Duchess Meghan’s melodramatic father Thomas Markle to write for them, because he’s bringing the twists, turns and theatrical drama. Thomas was supposed to walk Meghan down the aisle, but when it came out that he staged embarrassing pap pics, he had a heart attack and eventually pulled out of the wedding completely because he needed to have surgery.
One of Meghan’s unnamed friends is now telling The Daily Mail that Thomas’ heart attack and surgery was about as fake as Prince Hot Ginge’s denial that he’s really in love with an old skinny fat blogger from California. The friend claims Thomas faked a heart attack to get sympathy from the public and to also get out of going to the wedding. The creators of The Crown better send Thomas his favorite thing, a stack of cash, as a thank you for giving them some serious ESCANDALOSONESS for season 8.
There was a time when Thomas Markle was begging his other messy family members to keep their mouths shut about Duchess Meghan and the royal family, and was worried that the royals would get mad over him refusing to keep quiet about them. Well, just like my undies whenever I see a new hot pic of Prince Hot Ginge, Daddy Thomas has ripped that thought out of his brain and has gone full messy family member of a celebrity. Thomas thinks it’s really hilarious that he has the power to shut the royal family up. That cracking sound that Thomas hears outside of his Rosarito Beach house isn’t from the paparazzi he called checking their camera before shooting not-staged pics of him holding a tabloid with the royals on the cover and laughing at it. It’s Daniel Craig as James Bond cracking his knuckles while preparing to handle a bitch for THE QUEEN.
Being a normal American actress who landed a hot royal like Prince Harry might seem like a perpetual dream of afternoon champagne and corgi butlers, but Duchess Meghan has learned fast that it’s also a bureaucratic nightmare filled with stuffy rules and formalities. No bare shoulders! No touching! Never not be wearing pantyhose! According to a source that spoke with People magazine, Meghan is having a hard time accepting some of the more outdated rules.
Those of us who love drama love when Thomas Markle hits speed dial on his phone for one of the many press connections he’s made since his daughter Duchess Meghan started the process of becoming a member of the Royal family. An appearance by Thomas on a TV show or in The Sun is a good day for some, but not for Meghan and Prince Harry, who reportedly are at their wits end over what to do about her blabbermouth daddy.
When fifth-in-line to the crown Prince Louis arrived to St. James’s Palace for his Christening last week, his grand entrance wasn’t so grand. I was expecting some razzle-dazzle, like a Kensington Palace-branded t-shirt gun fired by Unky Harry. But all we got was Duchess Kate carrying a bundle of curtains with a sleeping Prince Louis inside, then later, a partially-awake Prince Louis. Obviously Prince Louis was saving the charm for the official portraits released after the show.
The world nodded approvingly when the Royal Ladies Squad showed up at the Wimbledon Championships on Saturday sans their balls and chains and the rest of that stuffy family, according to People. Duchesses Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle flashed peace signs and made goofy faces as they took silly selfies in the Royal Box, while THE QUEEN drunkenly demanded to know when “those fit blokes in the little arse-huggin’ shorts” were going to play. Ok, that didn’t happen. Kate and Meghan behaved like ladies and THE QUEEN couldn’t attend. She was too busy recovering from having to look at the one arse in the world that NO ONE wants to behold.