Ever since Duchess Meghan married Prince Harry, it seems like there’s been no end to the stories about Meghan’s alleged demanding, difficult, stuck-up, spoiled, wasteful, too-Hollywood, diva duchess ways, etc… We’re barely a year out from the day Meghan married Harry, and every day since, the British press has basically been that aunt who lowers her sunglasses dramatically and hisses, “Oh you’re NEVER going to guess what she’s been up to now.” So nobody should have been surprised when Meghan recently spoke about her relationship and implied it hasn’t been all red carpets and tiaras.
How nice it must have been for her to be in the presence of royalty. After all, it’s not every day that one meets the indisputable Queen of Music, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter. I’m of course kidding, because I’m sure Beyoncé – a noted Duchess of Sussex fan – was also very thrilled to be meeting a royal like Duchess Meghan.
The Duchesses Went To Wimbledon, And Didn’t Scratch Each Other’s Faces Off Or Send A Pic Taker To The Gallows
When Duchess Meghan went to Wimbledon last week, it turned into an international ESCANDALO where it became clear she’s the greatest threat to the British empire since (insert whoever was the greatest threat to the British empire because I definitely passed out in world history class during that part). Meghan was called a nightmare who sicced her security after any uncouth peasant who dared to take her picture at a public event, and caused the corneas of the upper-class to burn from the sight of her low-class peon rags (aka jeans).
You would think that all the courts at Wimbledon would’ve crumbled from the unforgivable crime of Meghan wearing jeans, but they didn’t. And at the Ladies Final at Wimbledon today, Meghan showed up with Duchess Kate and Third Wheel Pippa. They sat in the Royal Box in front of Martina Navratilova and an unamused memaw in a polka dress who is obviously thinking, “How dare that Kate show up in the dress I like to wear at Christmas dinner each year.”
If today’s news is any indication, it seems like no one can win at Frogmore Cottage at the moment. There are reports that Duchess Meghan has pissed off more people at Wimebledon. We’ve also got some sources saying that Prince Harry’s quest for baby privacy is pissing off Prince William. The only one who hasn’t made anyone mad is Archie. But even he might have pissed on his newest nanny during a diaper change (he is just a regular ol’ baby, after all).
Who cares about THE QUEEN possibly making Prince Charles bust the nut of all nuts from finally handing over her crown and powers to him in two years (and you know that when she does, she’s going to quickly yank ’em back before saying, “SIKE, motherfucker!“). And who also cares about Prince Andrew’s connection to the child-raping dumpster hybrid of Scott Bakula and ALF. The British tabloids are really bringing us the royal news we need to ingest into our brain in order to close our eyelids to sleep tonight.
The Daily Mail says that if you were a lesser at Wimbledon who dared to use your iPhone to take a picture of Duchess Meghan, you probably aren’t reading this since you’re sitting in a dungeon. Even though Wimbledon was broadcast to millions around the world and there were photographers everywhere, Meghan apparently wouldn’t let the peasants use their peasant cameras to take a picture of her royal greatness.
Yes, that is the look of a baby who is thinking, “So, I’m sitting here in this heavy ass Victorian ass lace ass reproduction gown while my grandaunt has beat me in the glamour department by looking stunning in some Truman Capote gone to Panama cosplay? Fuck this shit, get this itchy doll dress off of me!”
As Britain experiences gale-force winds from all of its citizens vigorously shaking their heads over Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan having the disgusting AUDACITY to make their child’s christening private, even though royal christenings are traditionally private, two-month-old Master Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor was christened today at St George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle. That’s the same place where PHG and Meghan were married, and where PHG was christened in 1984. The royals released two pictures including the Awkward Family Photo above. While everybody worked the same tired stuffy royal drag, Princess Diana’s sister Lady Jane Fellowes changed the entire game by looking like she’s about to solve the shit out of a crime on an island.