Rather than see another headline about how she would like nothing more than to slap Duchess Kate with one of her silly fascinators, Duchess Meghan is deploying the greatest diversion tactic in her toolkit: the baby bump! Meghan was performing her last royal duty of 2018 today by visiting a nursing home for elderly who were once entertainers. Swapping jazz hands and dirt on silver screen legends with old fogies who don’t have any fucks left to give? Sign. Me. Up. Meghan, of course, had to make it all about her, so she spent most of the day rubbing her pregnant belly. Psh, pipe down, Meg! I’m trying to hear about how big of a dick Laurence Olivier could be.
Fresh off from collecting some coins for talking about Daughter Meghan to The Daily Mail, Thomas Markle is collecting some coins (I’m guessing… even though Piers Morgan claims he didn’t) for talking about Duchess Meghan to Good Morning Britain. Thomas dribbled out more of the same, like how Meghan isn’t returning his texts or calls (in her defense, it’s kind of hard to return a text from a number you’ve blocked) and has abandoned him as if he’s a geriatric dog who is “too old” to fly. Thomas pretty much said the same thing over and over again, and has become a media robot who spews “my daughter is ignoring me” followed by “now where’s my check?” on a loop. If his daughter did call him, he might malfunction, because what would he say to the tabloids over and over again now?
‘Tis the season for me to start getting IM’s messages from friends of yore asking me for my address so I can act surprised when I get a Christmas card in the mail with a picture of them, their spouse I’ve never met, and their “adorable” kids. It’s all so wholesome and earnest, and goes against my core beliefs. Still, I always hold on to them for a couple of weeks because I feel guilty about recycling them immediately. Sadly I didn’t get a text message from Kensington Palace this year, and I really wish I had because there’s nothing wholesome about the tingling sensation Prince William is giving me in his family portrait. If I was on the list, that card would be skipping the mantle and going straight to my bedside table.
You can leave cable TV, but cable TV melodrama never leaves you! It really isn’t a day around the Dlisted chalet if there isn’t word and snickering of some kind of Duchess Meghan drama. Lately, it’s been about how she’s a royal pain in the ass that makes assistants flee Buckingham Palace and Duchess Kate boo hoo. If you can believe a new report, Meghan is apparently royally peeved she can’t go online and ‘splain herself to the people.
Meghan Markle may only be a lowly Duchess, but she’s The Queen of fucking shit up. Meghan gave old Liz the vapors last night when she made an unannounced appearance at the British Fashion Awards at Royal Albert Hall wearing black nail polish, a studded leather jacket, vampire fangs, and a ripped Misfits t-shirt 3 sizes too big. That is probably what old Liz saw. The rest of us just saw the black nail polish and a black Givenchy gown.
Unlike the PR feeding frenzy I imagine Hollywood is in the days leading up to People announcing their Most Beautiful list, I think the only nerds/people on Time’s “Person Of The Year” shortlist are Donald Trump and Duchess Meghan since they’re the only ones with enough time on their hands to give a shit. Some reps from the magazine stopped by the Today show, uh, today and revealed what people or groups they were considering for this year. It sounds like Trump might finally be able to get rid of that fake-ass Time cover from his wall.< !–more–>
Time reports that it is considering Trump (who was the 2016 honoree) because – even if he is a turd (they didn’t call him that, but you can infer) – he pretty much keeps cable news in business with all his personal drama, his tweets, separating kids from their parents at the U.S.-Mexico border, making THE QUEEN wait around on his tardy ass, and the ongoing Robert Mueller investigation into how much he was cozying up to Russia during the 2016 election. Speaking of, Robert also is a contender. Wouldn’t it be funny if Robert beat out Trump? Actually, that would probably be what finally causes Trump to put a stop to the investigation, so don’t pull any funny business, Time!
Time is also considering the separated immigrant families as this year’s “honor” since it’s up there as one of the most horrific stories of the year and so many kids remain separated from their parents. Trump’s international boo-thang Vladimir Putin, Black Panther director Ryan Coogler, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, assassinated Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi, South Korean President Moon Jae-in and March for Our Lives activists from the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting also made the cut. You could have honestly picked from that list and had someone worthy of the title.
Alas, Time needs to make sure copies of this thing sells, so Kensington Palace Terror Meghan made the list, too. Billions around the world tuned in and watched her snatch Prince Harry from our imaginary grasp, and she’s been wreaking havoc on royal protocol ever since. Oh, and she made sure to get knocked up in the process, so her ass isn’t going back to the colonies anytime soon. I mean, if it’s between some of the others tugging at our heartstrings or Meghan making Duchess Kate sob over a toddler’s bridesmaid dress, who could possibly decide?! Yeah, my money’s on Meghan, too.