While I was watching Super Bowl LIII on Sunday night I could barely pay attention to the game because it was boring. The commercials were boring. Adam Levine was so bored during his halftime performance with Maroon 5 that he took his shirt off to make things a bit sexier and it was still, by far, the most boring Super Bowl in years. And I’m not the only on who thinks so as the ratings have come in and they’re not good. In fact, viewership for this year’s Super Bowl was the lowest its been in a decade.
Tom Brady was probably clapping with two hands all giddy-like this morning, because Gisele Bundchen served him a very special victory cheat meal of organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, carb-free wheatgrass pancakes lightly sweetened with a hummingbird whisper for being a very good boy and winning his sixth Super Bowl. But while Tommy B and the other Patriots are happy about the game, many aren’t, because it was apparently as dull and lifeless as Tom Brady’s dead eyes. And a boring Super Bowl game got a just-as-boring halftime show that not even a pair of sweaty man nipples could save. You know you’ve redefined boring when even my hard-up-for-man-nipples slut ass doesn’t get even the slightest tingle in the loins over the sight of man nipples.
I’m about as interested in football as I am Maroon 5, but as an American, it’s pretty much impossible to avoid either of them entirely right now as fervor for the National Sporting Event reaches a fever pitch. According to Uproxx, custom dictates that whichever musical act has been chosen to entertain the masses during the halftime show, attends a press conference hosted by the NFL in the days leading up to the big game. But things are a bit more complicated this year, in case you haven’t noticed.
This year, 37th choice Maroon 5 (or Travis Scott and Big Boi) won’t have to sit around a big table nervously wringing their hands as Amy Schumer in a newsboy cap peppers them with questions about why they’ve chosen to participate in the Super Bowl instead of supporting Colin Kaepernick by boycotting the NFL. The NFL cancelled the press conference at the last minute. Instead, they threw some money at a charity and called it a wrap.
Jimmy Buffett Confused Football Enthusiasts With An Unearned Mic Drop After Singing The National Anthem
The big National Sporting Event is fast approaching. Gladys Knight will perform the thankless task of singing The Star Spangled Banner aka The National Anthem. But before that can happen, some other people had to sing that song in front of a crowd of football enthusiasts cum judges of vocal talent. At last night’s playoff game between the Los Angeles Goat Men and the New Orleans Man Angels, Jimmy Buffett put his margarita down long enough to take a stab at one of the most notoriously impossible songs to sing well. But he was either too drunk or not drunk enough. Who knows, two more margaritas and he might have been in the pocket. Two fewer, and he might not have performed a wholly unearned mic drop. The only person who’s ever earned the right to drop the mic after singing The National Anthem was Fergie (Whitney gave us something transcendent and doesn’t need to be dragged into this conversation).
Yesterday, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady clinched his spot to return to the Super Bowl for the ninth time, and all the Brady fan boys jizzed their pants with excitement. Meanwhile, over at the Whitest house in America, a very moist in his nether regions Donald Trump also pursed his lips together to kiss both of Brady’s butt cheeks by tweeting out his congrats after their win.
Yesterday soul legend Gladys Knight announced that she will sing the National Anthem at this year’s Super Bowl in Atlanta, GA. She also released a video reminding everyone how she’s been a civil rights activist for decades. Of course, since “offense” isn’t just for football games, this caused many folks to throw side-eyes her way because of the ongoing war within the NFL regarding the National Anthem and quarterback Colin Kaepernick, who took a knee during the anthem in protest against police brutality. The struggle continues within the organization, so Gladys decided not to remain silent about the elephant in the room.