I only realized it was Super Bowl Sunday when I went to Home Depot and the Garden Center was the only section seeing any action. The moment I realized I shouted “MOVE BITCH, I’M MISSING MY COMMERCIALS!” as I pushed an old lady into some zinnias and hightailed it to the car. But I was too late and by the time I got home, I had to find out on Twitter that cryptocurrency, useless apps, and hard seltzer are the future.
Willie Nelson is 87 years old and just released his 71st solo album since 1962. Whoa… that’s 1.2 albums a year for almost 60 years! And they say marijuana makes you lazy. In a new interview with The Daily Beast, Willie discussed getting the COVID vaccine, missing live performances, and how he once out-smoked Snoop Dogg. Wow. The reeeeal Fight of the Century!
Every single member of the marijuana industry probably put their house on the market and Nair’d their hole in preparation for selling ass to pay their bills after reading this from Page Six:
But weed dealers can go ahead and take their house off the market and let their holes get hairy again, because it’s only been reported that Willie Nelson has stopped “smoking.” So that means Willie has probably replaced his in-house joint roller and bong packer (please tell me Willie had his own in-house joint roller like Snoop Dogg) with a Le Cordon Bleu-trained edibles chef. We can all breathe a marijuana-infused sigh of relief. Well, everyone except for Willie since his lungs have fucked with his toking.
The bad news is that Texas has gone and done it by charging human weed flower Willie Nelson with misdemeanor weed possession. The good news is that if he’s convicted he’ll only get a fine and won’t face a second in jail. TMZ says everyone thought Willie would get slapped in the face with a felony charge because the cops claimed he had six ounces of the good shit on him. But after it was weighed (and a few officers had a pass the blunt party), officials determined it was under four ounces. That gets you a misdemeanor, which means Willie is FREED!
This is me after finding out stoner hero Willie won’t be jailed:
Yeah, I don’t even know…. Just order me whatever he’s having.
Willie Nelson looks like a big meanie just snatched a joint out of his hand, because they did! This mug shot was taken shortly after Border Patrol in Texas caught Willie with six ounces of weed over the weekend. Willie was charged with a misdemeanor and freed on $2,500 bail, but TMZ says that it’s far from over. Texas doesn’t ever play around so there’s a chance they could stick Willie’s old ass behind bars for more than 2 years. It’s a good thing Dolly Parton can hide a double bowl bong, 4 marijuana plants, a lighter wand, a food dehydrator and a heat lamp in her titty canyon.
A criminal defense attorney who practices in Austin tells TMZ that there’s a good chance Willie could get sentenced to a minimum of 6 months and a maximum of 2 years in the chokey. The director of NORML, an L.A. based marijuana law reform organization, thinks Willie should tell the jury that he bought the good shit in California (where medical weed is legal) and forgot it was on the bus.
If Willie Nelson is jailed for 2 years, every single marijuana plant will shrivel and dry up from intense heartbreak. Then all of us will have to spend the good part of our day blowing good shit smoke towards Texas hoping that Willie gets contact high by sticking his mouth out of the tiny jail house window. Err. Since I put it that way. Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing after all….
Arresting Willie Nelson for being possession of the good shit is like arrested Jessica Simpson for farting. But that’s exactly what officers in Texas did to him yesterday morning at a Border Patrol checkpoint in Sierra Blanca. When Willie’s tour bus rolled up, BP agents smelled the delicious scent of marijuana floating out of the windows. That was just Willie burping again. Seriously, if Willie’s tour rolled up and the officers didn’t get a contact high from a good shit cloud wafting out of the windows, then they should arrest his ass! I’m clutching my bong with my mouth out of SHOCK about this.
E! News says that officials found 6 ounces of weed on the bus and Willie admitted it was his. They took him down to jail, charged him with a misdemeanor, and he was later released on $2,500 bail. Obviously, this has happened before.
Can’t the government just grant Willie Nelson a pardon from all future marijuana arrests? It’s Willie Fucking Nelson! The history books will tell you that he came out of the womb smoking pot. He’ll smoke a joint on his bus, or in a jail cell. Dude doesn’t care as long as he’s got a joint between his lips.