Frankie Grande’s Sister Brought True Toddler Hoochie 90s Hooker Glamour To The VMA Red Carpet

…because DUH, where else is a toddler-faced hoochie supposed to bring it? Just like how Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, the red carpet at the VMAs is the place where a sexy fetus can dress in 90s day-shift streetwalker couture and the only thing people will wonder is whether or not her skirt is short enough. You should be dressed slutty enough that someone calls both the vice squad and CPS.

Ariana Grande Latte, the sexy rhythm-deficient singing fetus and Frankie Grande’s less famous sister, did what Ariana Grande Latte do best by by showing up to the VMAs looking like she was ready to turn tricks for Milli Vanilli’s Moonman, then find a no-good Kindergartener named Raiyden to which she can sell the Moonman for a bag of animal crackers and a Capri Sun. The only thing she needs to complete the look is a purse to carry the cellphone Frankie gave her (for when he needs to call her up and prove to people that he’s related to Ariana Grande), and she’s ready to hit the stroll! Click clack, pretend to make that Playskool money, honey! Although I have to deduct points for originality, since Paisley from Toddlers & Tiaras already did it first and, to be quite honest, better. But A+ for execution, no doubt about that.

Here’s more from the VMA red carpet, including JLo (who looked bueno, but also sort of like the Madame Tussauds version of herself), Jessie J wearing an IKEA curtain panel, Iggy Azalea looking like the princess of a far away land called Strippertonia, Charli XCX looking like Marsupilami’s skanky cousin, and a very knocked-up Kelly Rowland in Heidi hair.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Here’s A Classic “Bitch, NO” Moment From Beyonce….

In case you haven’t fed your soul with this priceless gem from Vine that’s been going around, here is Beyonce and the two fallen Children of Destiny throwing a trio of side-eyes when Kelly Rowland calls herself the “second lead vocalist of the group” during an interview from the olden days. Beyonce throws a triple at that bitch. She throws a side-eye, lets out a shady cough and then gives a “I’m going to swallow this ‘BITCH, PLEASE’ I’m about to spit out” look. Beyonce won’t even let Kelly be SECOND place. Beyonce is forever the Regina George to Kelly’s Gretchen Wieners. I always love it when Beyonce’s undercover bitch comes out, even if it comes out ten long years after the fact.

George Clooney On Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, His Main Homegirl Brad Pitt And Twitter

In the December issue of Esquire (via The Daily Mail), George Clooney his eyeballs at that fake bitch Russell Crowe, shows no love for Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse and draws a heart around a picture of his forever bromate Brad Pitt.

A few years ago, bloated walrus Russell Crowe figuratively threw a hotel phone at George’s head when he called Clooney a sellout for getting a quick check by filming foreign commercials. Russell also called George a Frank Sinatra wannabe. George told Esquire that Russell later tried to apologize by sending him a book of poetry (the fuck?) and pulled his dick all the way by saying he was misquoted. George was not impressed with Russell’s little fake apology and probably used the pages from that book of poetry to wipe down his just-used strap-on.

“And that’s when he really went off on me. ‘Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He’s a Frank Sinatra wannabe.’ He really went after me. The truth is that [Russell Crowe] did send me a book of poems to apologize for insulting the shit out of me, which he did. I think he said “I was misquoted” and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”‘

You know George made a W with his fingers when he said “whatever.” I always thought George was more of a Dionne, but I guess he’s more of an Ambular.

After George finished calling out Russell, he spilled some shit about Leo. George and his friends once played a basketball game against Leo and the Pussy Posse. Before the game, the Pussy Posse said they were going to “kick some ass.” George didn’t like this and let out a cackle when he and his friends won 11-0.

“And the discrepancy between their game and how they talked about their game made me think of how important it is to have someone in your life to tell you what’s what. I’m not sure if Leo has someone like that.”

Yeah, I’m sure Leo surrounds himself with ass-sucking hos who tell him that his farts smell like strawberries and cream, but so does George (see: Sarah Larson, Stacy Keibler, that other one, that other one and the other ones I am so not going to Google) I’m sure AND it was just a damn game of basketball. It’s not that serious. George acts like a stupid game of  basketball is as sacred as a game of Mall Madness.

When George finished slightly dragging Leo and Russell, he blew air kisses at Brad for suffering through all the re-shoots for World War Z (WHY WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE RICH MALE MOVIE STARS?!!!). And George said this about why he’s not on Twatter:

“Why on God’s green earth would you be in Twitter? I mean, when you see, like, Ashton Kutcher coming out and going, you know, “Everybody leave Joe Paterno alone,” or whatever he said, you just go “Fifteen minutes longer and a thought process and probably you wouldn’t have done that.”

“…IN Twitter?” George just has to tell me that my gut doesn’t look as big as usual and he’d officially be my mom. IN Twitter!

I can’t co-sign everything that spilled out of George’s mouth, but I love it when grown rich dudes talk shit about each other. Fuck the GOOP vs. Vanity Fair feud. This award season is going to be all about watching George throw bitchy mean girl looks at those skanks Leo and Russell. I can’t wait for the Golden Globes when the camera will pan to George and Russell coldly hugging in the audience as George says to Russell, “Ew, I can totally see your split ends.” And George is totally going to try to steal Lukas Haas from Leo and if Danielle Spencer wasn’t 10 years too old, he’d try to snatch her away from Russell and hire her as his award season escort.

Here’s George and others (including Lupita Nyong’o, Borat, Ralph Fiennes and Kelly Rowland’s tits) at the BAFTA LA Britannia Awards last night.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Tony Bennett Calls For The Legalization Of The Good Shit, The Bad Shit And Every Other Kind Of Shit!

If President Obama, Congress and all the Houses quit their jobs and handed all their power over to Tony Bennett, you’d soon be able to waltz into a Duane Reade to pick up a bottle of lube (not the Pimp Mama Kris-endorsed one), a bag of hot fries, a roll of toilet paper and a box of crack rocks. At Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy gala, held at the same hotel where Whitney Houston passed away, Tony said that deaths of Amy Winehouse, Michael Jackson and Whitney might have not happened if all drugs were legal. Preach it, pepaw!

“First it was Michael Jackson, then Amy Winehouse, now, the magnificent Whitney Houston. I’d like every person in this room to campaign to legalize drugs.

Let’s legalize drugs like they did in Amsterdam. No one’s hiding or sneaking around corners to get it. They go to a doctor to get it.”

The only shit I know about Amsterdam I learned from an episode of House Hunters International, but I’m pretty sure that only weed is legal there and they still have to buy their 8-balls from a sketchy dealer with stank breath in the dark part of an alley way like the rest of us. Also, Michael Jackson died of a prescription pill overdose and it’s looking like Whitney didn’t take any illegal drugs before she went up to star in Heaven’s remake of Sparkle with Aaliyah. It is kind of bizarre that Xanax and Valium are completely legal, yet whenever my weed man comes to visit, I have to pat him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire tap. Actually, that’s not why I pat him down. I pat him down because he lets me and it’s pretty much the only kind of action I get.

Anyway, Pepaw Tony means well and some of what he says sort of makes sense if you think about how many billions are spent and how many people die from the war on drugs shit. But that’s some shit for a different day. I think what Tony is really trying to say is that he wants to be able to buy a damn joint wherever he goes.

Here’s a few pictures from Clive Davis’ gala last night and let me predict the future by typing what you’re going to think in about 5 seconds: What in the name of veiny titty balls was Kim Kardashian doing there?! Call me Miss Cleo.

In order: Toni Braxton, Rita Wilson & Tom Hanks, nobody, Glamberace, Amber Rose (no comment on those Klingon brows and gremlin lips), Diana Ross, a Diana Ross wannabe and Our Lady of Perpetual Cheetos.

Beyonce’s Baby Will Bathe In Bling

Kelly Rowland was almost deported back down to the basement after she dropped the gender of the unborn wig messiah during a red carpet interview, and so she knew she had to diffuse the rage in Beyonce’s eyes with something sparkly. That’s where this mess of a bedazzled baby bathtub comes in. ABC News heard that Kelly spent $5,200 on a baby-sized porcelain tub from designer Lori Gardner and gave it to Beyonce as a baby shower gift. The Liberace Jr. special takes 2 months and 44,928 Swarovski crystals to make. It weighs more than 3,000 pounds.

Jay-Z and Beyonce are allegedly building a 2,200 square foot nursery in their Tribeca apartment and so this 1% of bathtubs is merely just a dim twinkle on the mound of tacky extravaganza their baby will sit on top of. Still, some of the old members of Destiny’s Child are cursing life for not falling out of Beyonce’s vagina as they scrub their pits in a Rubbermaid trash can full of hose water in their backyards (been there!).

I was going to write that at least those crystals will give Beyonce’s au pair something shiny to focus on when her baby butt burps a tub turd, but then I remembered that the golden child of infinite light is probably going to shit Swarovski crystals anyway.

Kelly Rowland Is Going To Pay For This!

Beyonce was supposed to announce the sex of her unborn ball of infinite golden light by shooting out of a pink diamond-encrusted cannon into a ring of pink fireworks as water dancers wearing pink mermaid tails swim in a pool of pink champagne while spelling out the words “IT’S A GIRL!” with glitter-dipped pink flamingo legs, but that’s not going to happen anymore. Destroy the cannon, kill the water dancers and drain the pool, because Kelly Rowland has ruined it for everybody.

During an interview with Bang Showbiz (via People) on Thursday night, Kelly let everyone know in so many words that the case covering Beyonce’s pillow baby is light pink and covered with tiny rhinestone vaginas. Here’s the words that made Tina Knowles scream out, “I should’ve snipped that traitor tramp’s tongue while I had the chance!” over her cauldron in the witching room of the House of Dereon:

“I have no idea what I’m going to buy Beyoncé at the baby shower because Jay is going to buy that little girl every single thing possible.”

Kelly Rowland is a judge on the UK’s X-Factor, is the biggest star in Liechtenstein, or some shit, and was very close to earning a permanent “Stay Out Of The Basement” card. But then she had to go and fuck it all up. X-Factor will replace her with another one of Destiny’s children any day now and her name will be erased from iTunes FOREVER! The only time you’ll be able to hear her voice is when you put your ear up to the basement window at the end of the night to her hear sing “Castle on a Cloud” with Basement Baby.

Here’s Beyonce smiling a “that bitch is gonna get it” smile while walking to some building in NYC yesterday.