Put down your rosaries, folks! Because 77-year-old billionaire music mogul David Geffen is sailing through this whole coronavirus thing. And he wants you to know (people must have been asking, I guess?) that he has been and will continue to remain safe by staying inside. Now, when I say inside, I mean inside one of the countless luxury suites on his private yacht. Oh, billionaires! They’re just like us.
Before we get into the details of this accident, let’s go over some things:
- Prince Philip is 97 years old.
- Prince Philip is married to the fucking Queen of England.
- Prince Philip is reportedly worth $30 million, and his wife is worth a ton more.
Add all that up together and it equals: OLE’ ASS COOT SHOULDN’T BE DRIVING HIMSELF! The other PP should be chauffeured in a gold chariot as royal minions hand feed him Werther’s Originals. But Prince Philip still drives, and he was behind the wheel of his Land Rover today when he got into a crash and it flipped like he does whenever a photographer takes too fucking long to take his goddamn picture. And because Prince Philip is invincible, he walked away without any injuries.
Seen above looking like a Bizzaro World Megan Fox and Billy Ray Cyrus, Nikki Sixx of Mötley Crüe and his 33-year-old wife of about four years, Courtney Sixx, are getting ready to slather their first baby in a leopard print onesie, a leather headband, and White Rain hairspray. Scratch that last one, actually. This is Nikki Sixx’s kid we’re talking about. That baby is going to secrete White Rain hairspray from their head pores, naturally. Nikki and Courtney have let the world know that she’s got his fifth baby brewing in her womb, even though he got his baby batter tube snipped years ago.
It’s been almost four long years since we first heard that Daryl Hannah and Neil Young replaced Meg Ryan and John “I Refuse To Drop The Cougar From His Name” Mellencamp as the IT couple of the blonde actress from the 80s (or 90s) and pepaw rocker set. Between then and now, my brain must’ve corroded even more, because I forgot these two were together. But not only are they still together, all signs point to them getting married over the weekend. I really need to get a subscription to Closer Weekly so I can stay up to date on the oldies.
Two grumpy old men got into a fist fight at Costco, and surprisingly it wasn’t over the last known Costco Café polish hotdog on earth. No, this fight was at everyone’s happy place, a place that keeps most of us coming back time and time again, a place that comforts us on our darkest of days. Yes, two old-timers desecrated the sanctity of the free sample line by having a full-on punching match during the free sample lunch rush.
Taylor Swift just managed to dispel my long-held belief that all her fans are 13-year-old girls. Sure, most of them are. But apparently there’s a 96-year-old pepaw out there who shakes his replacement hips to Shake It Off. And today he’s making all the other senior Swifty fans at Shady Pines jealous.