Vanity Fair’s “Hollywood Issue” Is Here

Vanity Fair’s annual “Hollywood Issue” can usually double as their annual “I See White People Issue,” but they decided to switch shit up this year. There’s 12 actors on the cover and half aren’t white. Racism is over!

On the cover from left to right is Chiwetel Ejiofor, Julia Roberts, Idris Elba, George Clooney, Michael B. Jordan, Jared Leto, Lupita Nyong’o, Naomie Harris, Brie Larson, Chadwick Boseman, Margot Robbie and Léa Seydoux. The left side looks like Julia and her chorus boys relaxing backstage between the matinee and evening performance of their cruise shop show where she sings the hits of Kander & Ebb. The right side looks like a bunch of models in a wedding fashion show who are suffering from the wet shits after they made the mistake of eating the Mexican lunch given to them. (Chadwick is obviously good because he brought his own food.) And in the middle is Lupita looking like OSCAH gold!

VF should get a slow clap for giving us diversity, but it’s still not diverse enough for my taste and by that I mean the dudes should’ve posed with no clothes on.

And the long-awaited, so-called GOOP takedown is in this shit and I’m afraid to read it. Graydon Carter apparently goes soft on Goopy and reading it is probably going to be a lot like sucking on a big, 9″ peen that just won’t get hard. Just wave of disappointment after wave of disappointment.

And The Best Dressed Of The Critics’ Choice Awards Goes To…

Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.

The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.

Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.

Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Julia Roberts’ Golden Globes Dress Divides A Nation (Not Really)

The Ghost of Jennifer Lawrence’s future Julia Roberts showed up to the Golden Globes yesterday wearing an ensemble that made some whores applaud and made other whores, including this whore, wonder where her serving tray full of champagne flutes was since she looked like an overdressed cater waiter. Julia made some best dressed lists (and I’m guessing one of those lists is from the American Foundation For The Blind) and she made a lot of worst dressed lists. This applies to almost everything in life, but I looked at Julia and thought to myself, “Sharon Stone did it first and did it better, bitch.”

Julia’s look made me want to roll up my jeans and dab a little Dior Poison on my b-hole, because bitch was giving me 90s all the way. If you traveled back to 1993 and strolled into a Charlotte Russe with an Orange Julius (aka the Frappuccino of the 90s) in your hand and walked to the prom section, you’d find that dress hanging there. It’s like Mimi’s beehive from the Can’t Let Go video and one of the P.E. outfits from Clueless crashed into Julia at the same time. She looks like the least charismatic member of an all-white En Vogue cover group.

If Julia wore a black velvet choker and smelled like Primo, this would’ve been the look.

Because I really don’t want to throw up 100 more Golden Globes posts (cut to Allison, Megan and I throwing up 100 more Golden Globes posts in the next 3 hours), here’s tons of looks from last night including Hermione Granger giving us a reverse mullet and Zoe Saldana looking like an old snobby lady’s fabric scrap bin.

Let’s Play A Game Called ‘What Caused That Look On Julia Roberts’ Face?’

Here are my guesses:

1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.

2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)

3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.

4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.

Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.

(Pics: FameFlynet)

Julia Roberts Denies Having A Fetus In Her Body

For the past week or so, 46-year-old Julia Roberts has been wearing dresses from Pea in the Pod’s Hide The Bump collection and baggy shirts, so of course, some hos have been screaming that there’s a fetus hiding in her body. They can see it! But while promoting August: Osage County on Letterman last night, the Jennifer Lawrence of the 90s spit out a solid NO when he asked her if she and that Danny Moder dude are going to add another baby to their family.

Letterman: You have the twins who are about 9 years old now?
Julia: They turned 9 in November.
Letterman: Oh man, that’s exciting. And then the other one is a 6 year old?
Julia: He turned 6 over the summer. Henry. Or the “other one” we sometimes call him.
Letterman: Have you thought about adding more to the group?
Julia: Oh sure.
Letterman: Any chance?
Julia: No.

Can’t a bitch go through the trials and tribulations of menopause without a ho calling their bloat bubble a baby? No, I have no idea if Julia’s got a fetus growing in there, but if she does, I hope she sticks with the cartoon mice theme when naming it. Julia’s twins are named Phinnaeus and Hazel, so I hope if there’s a fourth one she names it Fievel or Gussie. The world needs more kids whose names make you want to sing, “There are no cats in America!”

Julia also told Letterman that she tries not to curse in front of her kids. Not cursing in front of kids. Where’s the fun in that?

“In the nine years of being a mother, I’ve only done that one time, and it brought all of us to a screeching halt. Everyone was like, ‘What just happened?’ It was horrible! I still think about it now, and I still can’t believe I did that. The children just stopped, and I said, ‘I am very sorry!'”

This reminds me, I have this tia who curses way more than I do. Her mouth is a Scorsese movie. A few months ago, we were at a family thing with a bunch of kids and I kept the curse words in my mouth, because for some strange reason parents get all mad when I teach their kids the “cunt” word. Parents are so weird. I can censor myself, but my tia can’t do it. So she taught the kids a trick. Every time a curse word is about to fly out of her mouth, she screams “EARMUFFS!” and that’s their cue to cover their ears with their hands. So when she talks to us in front of the kids, it goes something like this, “Can you believe that – EARMUFFS, KIDS, EARMUFFS –  bitch would say that to me? What a – I SAID EARMUFFS, GODDAMMIT – fucking asshole, right? And her husband’s  – EARMUFFS! EARMUFFS! – a fucking piece of shit too!”

I think she said, “earmuffs,” more than actual curse words. I kept waiting for one of the kids to say, “We know, we know, she’s a fucking bitch. Can I put my hands down now, my arms are getting tired.”

Here’s Julia and some of the cast of August: Osage County at the NYC premiere last night. I really wish Julia would’ve used those glorious teefs of hers to chew off the dying animal on Dermot Mulroney’s head.

Pics: Wenn.com

Julia Roberts Thinks Jennifer Lawrence is Too Cool For The America’s Sweethearts Club

America’s Sweethearts Club: where sweethearts sit around on Ralph Lauren wool blankets wearing their boyfriend’s over-sized Abercrombie hoodies and drink non-fat pumpkin spice lattes (they can get them year-round because they have super-special Starbucks Sweetheart cards). Is there also an America’s Dirtbags Club? Where do Ke$ha and Tara Reid meet to scream at old episodes of Judge Judy on a busted couch and drink vanilla-cinnamon Baileys straight from the bottle? And also are they accepting new members (I’m asking for a friend).

In an interview with MTV, Julia Roberts reminded anyone who forgot that she’s the HBIC as she spoke candidly about our favorite current inductee into the American Sweethearts Club, Jennifer Lawrence:

MTV’s Josh Horowitz mentioned that Lawrence had recently joined the group of America’s sweethearts, to which Roberts pondered, “How many are there of us?”

As to Lawrence herself, Roberts commented, “She shoots flaming arrows. Is this a new cupid tactic?” Horowitz questioned if Roberts wasn’t “voting yes” for Lawrence to join “the club,” prompting Roberts to explain, “My card is expired and I didn’t get a new one.”

Roberts continued, “I think she’s fabulous,” before trailing off, saying, “but she doesn’t seem … she seems cooler than …” Horowitz clarified, “Oh, she’s too cool to be a sweetheart,” to which Roberts added, “Right?”

We’re all familiar with that feeling, Julia. It’s when you’re asked about someone you, to put it frankly, do not care for, but you can’t reply with the truth (“Who gives a shit?“) so you fumble over a bunch of say something nice words and it still comes across as insincere.

But she doesn’t get off that easy; her response still makes her sound like a bitter meanie. Too cool? Come on Julia; the title of America’s Sweetheart isn’t something you need to fight to the death over like you’re in the damn Thunderdome (two men enter, one man leaves!) Just reply “She sure is!” with a fake-ass smile and keep on promoting that Oscar-bait of a film, August: Osage County.

And that’s the most eloquent way I can talk about Julia Roberts. Up top isn’t even what I really wanted to say; my first draft was just this pic repeated 12 times: